Being DRY

[Bigglesfliesundone]

This is the fourth thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol completely.

It's an arduous path at times, but we're still here!

We know how easy it is to slip, and how hard it can be to stay on the road, but we also know that we can't drink 'just one'.

The thread motto is 'Watch the film to the end'

Come and have a coffee!

Just to echo everyone else. This is a fab thread, filled with fab people. I can honestly say that I would not be sober still without this thread. I was just reading back- the book and blog recommendations, just the general support has kept me on track - and more importantly, I am so so so happy about being sober. It is changing my life.

So, welcome again newcomers and any lurkers out there- you are very welcome too. :)

I've been reading these threads for a while, and I've been unsure about posting or not. I'm not quite sure if I fit in to this thread, but here we go :)
I've decided to not drink again. My current relationship with alcohol is way better than it has been in the past, I spent most of my twenties drinking every night, and all day on the weekends. I have been drinking since I was 14 and can honestly that most of the things I have regretted have come from when I was drunk. I have put myself into incredibly dangerous situations, or just plain stupid ones. Or made a total tit out of myself. Which i still cringe at today. Since having children three years ago, I only really drink approx a bottle of wine a week. However, as my youngest gets older, I have started drinking a bit more frequently and have started going out with friends again. And drinking just a bit too much. I feel like I'm on a slippery slope. I got quite drunk on Friday out with the husband, and am still feeling rough today. I don't want to spend days feeling rough for the sake of a few drinks. I don't want to spend the money on basically a hangover. I dont want to end up like my parents who I suspect are high functioning alcoholics. I am worried about what people will say, my family especially as all social affairs are structured around getting drunk. People will probably just think I'm pregnant. And will there be any point in going out any more?!
Anyway,I haven't drunk since Friday and there's a half opened bottle of wine I'm ignoring.

CornChips, can you make me a snack? And a drink? Not this drink, I want juice. In the pink cup. Not that pink cup, the other pink cup. And I have finished my snack, so while you're in the kitchen can I have another one? And actually, can I have a hot chocolate as well as the juice? I want to eat them in the lounge room, I want to watch telly.

Or did you just want the pride part of being my mum, in which case, forget the above.

twolittleboys you absolutely belong here and it's great to meet you. If you only drink a bottle of wine per week, then you are presumably already sober most of the time, so nobody will notice anything or say anything. You're in a great place to stop, because you're already used to days and nights without wine.

For the record, here is a sample of things people have said to me, the first time they've noticed/been told that I'm not drinking:

'Oh, you're well behaved today'
'Why?' [Because I decided I was happier not drinking] 'Oh. Right'
[After being told the whole proper truth] 'So, not even a glass of wine every now and then? Oh. That's very brave of you'
'You're not pregnant? Sorry, it's just that the last friend who told me they weren't drinking was secretly pregnant'.

Here is a comprehensive list of things that people have said to me about not drinking, on the second occasion I've been around them without drinking:

[.........]

It's really no drama at all. I realised, in time, that what I was afraid of the most was that people would say 'Oh, thank GOD, we've been so worried about you'. Mild curiosity and surprise are just no big deal at all really.

I have found it quite calming that the actions of our parents and our childhood seem to have such an impact on our own behaviour. I always thought it was just me!

Anyway you are very supportive - your stories and thoughts are giving me strength.

Day 10 without a drink. I know that this is the easy bit. I have been here before - during pregnancy and after massive arguments with DH when I promised to sort myself out or get counselling.

Its the future that makes me think. Everywhere I go I am reminded about drinking. Adverts on tv, the supermarket, party invites, mums nights out, facebook (how many people are obsessed about their latest need for Wine or boasting about alcohol related antics or hangovers with kids.....)

I know I can do this. It is going to be a roller coaster. It will be emotional. There will be tears, but as a said initially, I never ever want to see that look in my childrens eyes again. I need to regain their trust, their love. They need their Mum back!

have a good day ladies.

Well said Clear :)
Nice one Tortoise, that makes me feel so much better!
Hi Twolittleboys, the family influence is huge isn't it? I've actually been weighing up in my mind these last couple of days whether I can actually see my parents at the moment. I think if I'm going to do this sober thing properly, then I'm going to need to cut toxic people out of my life, at least while I'm in recovery - and that basically means my parents and my husband!! Got a lot to think about there.

Anyway, I'm off to sports day! Have a lovely day everyone :)

guggenheim thanks, I have already got a stock of tonic water and loads of lemons and limes, I am going to make up a load of iced lemon tea to put in the fridge today and we have a lovely meal planned tonight.

Thename thanks for the welcome :)

I didn't feel too bad this morning as I only had enough in last nights wine box for three glasses, I definitely wanted more but as there was none I took myself off to bed early to read. Its going to be difficult as my DH continues to drink (cider is his poison, I don't mind it but prefer wine) and he doesn't know how bad I really feel about my drinking atm, I've told him I am going to stay off it for a month, then go from there. A month seems more realistic for me as a goal but to be honest with myself I actually do want to quit for good. As I am only on day one I don't want to push it, if that makes sense?

Problem is me and dh usually sit together after dinner, drinking and talking through the events of the day.

Have been researching things to eat/drink to help heal my liver too, poor bloody thing won't know whats hit it after the end of today. Trigger time is usually around 5pm for me, but I have been known to start earlier after the school run I am also thinking of taking up yoga and meditation again.

Cross posted - enjoy the sports day

welcome all newbies
I have no hesitation in telling people I don't drink . No one really cares to be honest it seems as long as they can get a skinful
I've got builder's in at the moment and yesterday one said "I bet you can't wait for us to go so you can have a drink" I thought, if only you knew
maybe when I pop out tomorrow to my AA meeting, I'll tell them the real reason for me going out just to see their faces

pearl, I only set myself a day at a time as a goal, been known to take that down to an hour, even a minute in the early days, seems to be working upto 10 1/2 months, one day at a time. my partner drinks but keeps it out of sight in the house so I don't have to stare at it. would never ever have a bottle of wine in the house, let alone an open bottle

Yes, the 'bet you can't wait to have a drink' after a busy day from everyone! It so normal isn't it? Up thread I talked about my stint running the bar at the school fete (bar? school fete?, but that's another issue ) everyone was saying 'ooh, I expect you'll all have a few after this' etc. I smiled nicely. I have to say, it was my friends who were silently bristling for me - sweeties

Thanks Stayingdry, my goal for today is to just get through day 1. Hubby knows its my intention to stop for 30 days so maybe I might have set myself up for a fail here but I NEED to know if I can do it as I have never tried before and its been a long time coming.

Funny thing is I was sorting through the recycling this morning and was horrified about the amount of wine box cardboard that needed throwing out, I feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself that I have been so dependent for so long, I initially started hanging out on the brave babes bus but I know that I cannot even start on moderation as I have no self control at all (Thanks to both my parents for that lovely gene)

Biggles - having a drink after work is a REALLY big thing in my line of work, started todays facebook session off with half a dozen pictures of people all enjoying wine in the sunshine wherever they are. I am envious of them in a way but have done enough reading to "watch the film to the end" and its never pretty in my case. I might avoid FB for a while actually.

Pearl - I feel your pain regarding DH who also enjoys alcohol. He is still drinking in moderation. However although he knows I am not drinking at the moment, he doesnt know my inner thoughts.

I am scared that if I can do this it will create a wedge. Before we would enjoy wine with dinner / beer at the end of the day / dinner out with good wine to wind down, treat ourselves and discuss our day.

Frankly without the glass as MY crutch i am not sure how I can carry on those conversations. Its habit. Kids in bed, adult time, eat dinner, drink wine. And then more wine. Pass out. Hangover next day.

Plus so much of our social life revolves around alcohol. Parties, dinner with friends, pub, bbq. Plus I get really pissed and then consequences need to be dealt with the next day......

Its a challenge, but then I know so many other women I know drink lots in the week, have hangovers but deal with with it. I don't think they have the demons I have? The 'time for wine' mentality and cope and drink in moderation. Or do they? So many questions.

One scary thought I have had is how often I knew I was driving the next day and would count my drinks so I 'thought' I was not over the limit. Hell I dread to think how many times I probably got that wrong....

Love the honesty on these threads - I am still not drinking but have had blips - feeling sooooo much better - feeling great everyday versus feeling like crap - it is a real no brainier so why is it Sooo difficult ?

ClearHead your description just then of your life and they way you wind down and socialise thats us EXACTLY!

and ditto also to the driving next day..oh the shame :(

70hours, I am looking forward to waking up tomorrow hangover free then I know that I can do one day. I am not intending to go near a shop today and do not intend to drink tonight.

Have been mostly drinking hot water with fresh lemon slices today and may have found a new addiction, its lush!

Clearhead, I also mentioned upthread how hard it can be having a partner who drinks. I have been so worried that we won't be able to be the same couple anymore, and that we will drift apart :( So far, it seems ok. There are tense times and he is so incredibly dull when he's pissed (which I had obviously never noticed before, being too pissed and stroppy myself )

The thought of not having that glass in your hand when you're having a conversation seems impossible to deal with and it took me a while before I could comfortably just have a hot chocolate or a nice soft drink and feel comfortable. Sometimes it is still hard. but the alternative is not a good one.

OK, today have read two books one was "Beat the Booze" it was ok, factual, certainly made me think; but some of it I found irrelevant (the sections on helping others who are addicted for example - I don't care about helping others at the moment, I just care about ME!)

Second book was "No More Hangovers" by Allen Carr, now this one was much more like it, cut straight to the chase, I totally "got it". I did find it weird he said to continue drinking throughout it though; as I have decided not to today. I understand why; as right at the end he suggests you take a swig of a strong spirit.. I couldn't face that bit, sorry Allen!

Other than that, we are approaching my usual trigger time and I don't feel the urge to drink at all right now. Didn't after I finished the school run today either, so this is good.

Biggles, I am a little worried about this too, tonight is going to be our first evening together where I am off and he is on. Should be interesting!

I'll be thinking of you . I have a long long list of books... We had a big clear out at the weekend and I put all my drinking memoirs, self helps etc on one shelf. Dh was a bit

I'll list them all when I get home. I think most have already been mentioned but I'll just do it anyway!

Thanks for not kicking me off :) I think I just feel maybe I'm.making a fuss about nothing as I don't drink much at all right now. But it's the fact I can feel a lack of control over it and it gradually getting more that has frightened me. I enjoyed my crazy twenties but look back now and know I am in a much, much better place for not living like that.
It's so normal in my family to drink to excess one night, recover the next, drink heavily etc I'd never thought anything of it until recently. Aside from my own well being, I'd like to break that cycle for my kids as I'd hate to see them repeat it. God knows why my mum has always supported and encouraged my excessive approach, maybe it makes her feel better?!
Anyway, I find reading your posts so inspiring, and hope i can follow your lead :)

Yeah, heavy drinkers like company, it normalises their drinking, so it makes sense that your Mum would want you to join her.

The whole idea that you have to get worse before you stop is very common - you're sort of alluding to that - but honestly, the very fact that you have the family history, and the sense that you're not happy with your drinking, is all you need.

Honestly, you lose nothing by giving up alcohol. There is not one thing in my life that would be improved by drinking. Even if I were a 'normal' drinker, able to enjoy a glass of something in the sunshine, I'd have lost nothing by going dry. I can still enjoy a glass of something lovely and dry and fizzy in the sunshine, after all; I can still talk to my friends and wind down from a day's work. If I'm at a party, I can still dance and talk and make jokes. Alcohol adds nothing at all, really. It's all a big illusion.

Biggles, this is part of why I love e-readers - so much more discreet!

Good morning all, well I made it - without having to go for an early night to beat my cravings. Every time I thought about having or missing that "nice" glass of wine last night something resonated in my head which shut the thought out, this was from Allen Carrs book and very very similar to how Tortoise described it in para 4. I am going to read it again today to make sure that message sticks as it has truly helped me. Is his follow on book any good by the way if anyone has read it?

Slept ok although woke for the loo at about 2am. Felt groggy when I woke up but at least I can honestly say that was nothing to do with a hangover, although my body probably remains groggy from topping up every day/month/god know how many years :(

Ok, day 2 - lets have you.

Morning all
Pearl yay for day 1 done! I read Allen Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol and don't know if this is a follow on as I only read the one. Can't imagine the message would be hugely different.
Someone else might know :)

Thank you Lucy, I am really enjoying your blog btw (if it's you who posted about Zoe ball recently) I remember her being a kind of heroine to me in my late twenties too, just got out of my first shitty marriage and it was party time all the way!

Pearl - well done and Biggles its interesting what you say about the couple thing. It is certainly making me think about our relationship.
Two little boys - I remember my mum liking to drink with me when I was younger, but I soon realised she couldn't drink normally or socially. It is strange that drinkers find drinkers and how we normalise our consumption.
Tortoise - thanks for those words of encouragement!
Bizarrely when I was putting the children to bed last night they were really frustrating me and I thought at least once they are asleep, i can have a drink. Obviously i didn't but I felt the low moment when the drink would have 'helped'.
Thankfully I didn't but the evening felt a little dull, and how envious was I of DH glass of wine..... However, after dinner I felt calmer, more relaxed so it shows I don't need it!
Anyway no drink means no hangover, so clear head for me. Just means that I have no excuse to do nothing today and feel sorry for myself!

Welcome Pearl! I hope day 2 goes well for you. It can be amazing how the days tot up, but for me it seemed to go VERY slow at first. Day 25 and I still feel really tired. I guess my body is still just getting rid of all those toxins and stuff. But so many positives already.

I'm another one who admires Zoe & Norman. She also looks fab and a friend of mine works with her and says she is absolutely lovely! Davina McColl is another sober heroine. Yes, she's a bit annoying - but her recent sports relief stuff was inspiring. I think she's a good example of someone seeming bonkers and bouncy when we are doubting if we can be "fun" anymore without alcohol.

Hi to everyone new. I'm quite new myself and love this thread.

Well done Clearhead on resisting that post-bedtime trigger. It's so ingrained isn't it? But whats true is the actual period of craving to get through is so much shorter than we imagine. I often just go straight to bed. I am slightly obsessed with my bed at the moment. So good to have you on the thread.

Two little boys - I am another one from a family with alcoholism at its core. I am so impressed that you are catching this early. YOU know you, so don't be swayed by any inner ( or real life) voices that tell you you are just fine with alcohol.

I guess I would be considered a "high-bottom" problem drinker. But I have to constantly resist my Wolfie voice telling me "it wasn't that bad." It was bad enough to make me feel constantly unhappy, ill, shamed, obsessional, irritated, impatient and resentful. I like to consider that the one gift of being an adult child of an alcoholic is knowing the danger signs perhaps sooner than I would have otherwise. It has it's own additional downsides - "me, really??? I swore this would never happen. I'd never be like my Dad. I don't want to associate myself in my head with what he did".

But still, it's a gift to get off this bloody merry go-round sooner rather than later. Tortoise's words about life being just as enjoyable without alcohol really spur me on.

One thing I wonder as someone who is now the only sober person among a large group of friends (the vast majority of which are pretty boozy and include some recreational drug users) - is how many people in the next decade (we are all v early 40s) will follow me into sobriety? I'd like to think I am a trend-setter but who knows. Maybe all of their drinking is completely unproblematic. I know I just need to concentrate on me. I only know one sober person in real life. But she's my sister's friend and because I haven't spoken to my sister about it, I don't think its fair to speak to her friend about this.

Anyway, sorry for the train of thought waffle. A good Wednesday to all. Hi to Guggenheim, Mabs, Cornchips, Lucy and Tortoise and everyone else (am rubbish at keeping up with all the news)