Being DRY

[Bigglesfliesundone]

This is the fourth thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol completely.

It's an arduous path at times, but we're still here!

We know how easy it is to slip, and how hard it can be to stay on the road, but we also know that we can't drink 'just one'.

The thread motto is 'Watch the film to the end'

Come and have a coffee!

Oh Heavens- i am not on facebook, so did not know. Off to have a look....

Back again- hi everyone. :)

Was not on this thread yesterday- was too busy getting thoroughly wound up by people on an AIBU thread about peanut allergies. Way too invested.......

Had a good weekend, but need to think about how we DO spend our weekends. DH is only home then so he does the stuff he wants to do all the time- his (solitary) hobbies- and I was pushing for family time, so it was all a bit - well. Not sure really, Kind of pushing him to spend time with us when every time I turned around he had vanished back into his workshop. (He does alot of carpentry). So i was pushing him to be with us, when he wanted some alone time and I was getting frustrated. So I more or less bullied him into coming to the sea with us for the afternoon on Sunday. But i never see him! i WANT to spend time with him and our DS together.

sigh. anyway. He has a fairly high octane work life, wants to come home and do nothing. I work at home, and am at home with DS on my own, and am desperate for some attention and adult company. Something to try and figure out.....

I managed to get some good bike rides in though. :)

Hope everyone is fine.

tortoise had a thought about your 'where to write' issue. It's not romantic- but do you have a McDonalds nearby? A MCd's coffee, a chocolate sundae... (I'd be eating all the pies though).

Can I come back? Up during night being sick, feel awful. You are all doing so well, why not me? Day 1 (sigh)

sonlyme course you can come back I just wrote a bloody long post which disappeared! argh. Will try to repeat it! It's all about looking beyond the first couple of drinks, and really getting to the 'end'. On Saturday, I ran a bar at the school fete. I stood behind there, pouring pimms and beer and getting the usual jokes from parents about 'ooh, I bet you lot will have a few afterwards'. I just gritted my teeth. I found it really hard, but would not admit it. I want to be this sorted out together ex drinker but I still crave that first taste of g and t, white wine, cider, cool lager. In the pub afterwards, looking behind the bar at the array of drinks I LOVE, watching dh and my friends drinking. They however, had two and stood up to go home. I would have insisted we stay until things got completely out of hand.

You can do it. This is by no means my first attempt, it's about my 7th, and I may fail again. I hope not. I want you to be me, honestly, it is just so much better - despite the odd foot stampingly not-fair-ness about it (it seems).

Keep here. I hope you feel better

Right - discovery of the day…. You can buy big bottles of Japanese green tea and Chinese Oolong tea from Amazon. Appreciate this may be a bit niche (!), but I used to live in Asia and LOVE having these chilled teas in the fridge; reminds me of living there. Really refreshing, no calories, good for you etc. Just off to polish my halo…… Pokka is the brand they seem to stock most of if this appeals to anyone (probably not - an acquired taste!).

Hi all

Merce, I love those drinks! thanks for the tip.

Sonlyme - YAYYYYYYY welcome back!!

biggles, great stuff at the fete and in the pub. Kudos

Cornchips and tortoise- i have a lot of similar family / home / partner issues to sort out. really weighing on me this morning.

hi hi hi to everyone

I have been ill, a tummy bug that took me by surprise and I had to vom in work loos and train loos. It was ok, no actual humiliation, but the realisation that your body is out of control in a public place is pretty scary. but then there is this weird flood of delicious relief when the bout is over and you haven't puked on your boss's shoes...

I went to bed at 3pm when I got home from vomming on the train and lay there feeling bloody awful, with a bucket, till about 10.30. then I got up and went downstairs dying for some company and sympathy but very wobbly and not at all well. dp was lying on the sofa with his back to me, watching football, the dcs stuff all over the floor and the curtains open onto the night, and he didn't even look round. It felt so dismal and scuzzy and unwelcoming. I would never treat a sick person like that and I wouldn't leave them 7 hours without asking if they wanted anything, I would always make sure they at least have water. I think he was feeling like a hero because he looked after the dcs and got them to bed and everything but I just thought... is this it? Is this my relationship? Is this the man I am going to grow old with? what will it be like when the dcs have left?

they are always so pleased to see me and their physical affection sustains me, the big generous unguarded wriggling hugs of my little girls lighten my heart so much, and they are going to stop being like that, and then who will there be to love me and give a shit about me?

Maybe I expect too much of him. I could have called someone, when I needed a chat, if I had kept up with any of my friends. I can't call them when I feel shit because I don't call them enough at other times. I will phone someone today. two people. I have two brilliant women in mind that I will call today.

queenbee, men are selfish
mine thinks hes doing me a favour if he spends time with us, let alone gets a sandwich for the kids I have learnt to accept him for what he is because I know that resentment is a killer for us alcoholics. If he pisses me off enough I will explain to him how I'm feeling, but always end with, just wanted you to know you're pissing me off usually calms me down.the next time he wants me to do or go where I don't want to, I don't feel guilty saying no, because I remember I didn't lose my rag when I would of done when I was drinking. make sense?

I'm incredibly lucky with my dh . he does all the shopping, most of the housework, always does Sunday and xmas lunch, sorts out the packed lunches everyday (went down this morning and he was making mine as he had forgotten last night), Is fantastic when I'm ill, does loads of stuff with the kids and generally most things I ask.

Oh and he stuck with me when I was a mad rabid, vile drunk :( I asked him why the other day and he said 'because I knew you were in there somewhere'

On the down side, he plays cricket every Saturday from May till September, is a dull drunk and snores!

Quick one from me. Hi to Mabs and a big welcoming hug to Sonlyme.

I'm in bed drinking Fever Tree Ginger Beer at 8.30 pm. Rock n roll x

Hi Mabs. That is tough. I think men are often pretty hopeless at being the care givers - so when we are ill/incapacitated, they don't rise to the challenge with much dignity. I think they are so used to that being OUR role, somehow. Anyway - big hug from me and I do hope you are starting to feel more human. At least the vomiting was the result of a genuine bug rather than alcohol; I remember feeling almost happy when I got my first bug in sobriety for that reason - for once I wasn't trying to pretend it was genuine illness…

Sonly - so glad you are back. Keep hanging in there. Keep talking and posting. Presumably you are feeling pretty rotten. Wonder if that foul feeling can help you feel more determined that drinking isn't for you? Please try not to beat yourself up. And remember, you CAN do this.

Biggies - your bit about your DH saying why he stuck with me brought a tear to my eye - pitiful soppy thing that I am.

Equally rock and roll here. Studying in kitchen with my cold Japanese tea to hand. Cat on lap. What could be better?!

Yep feeling much better thanks.
Yes, i did think of being hungover and wonder why anyone would be such an idiot as to deliberately do things that would make you feel that bad.

Before I went home from work someone who had been in a meeting I was in came in to see how I was, as he saw that I was blatantly not well. I do not sit in an accessible place, no one can be just passing, so it was nice of him to come and check - he gave me a manly slap on the back and said something encouraging and I thought afterwards, as it was Monday morning "I bet he thought I was hungover!" maybe that is boozer's paranoia.

My dds went to bed an hour late tonight because we were having too much fun. i am a bad mother. it gets dark so late though! how am I supposed to know it's bedtime if it doesn't get dark?

stayingdry, your coping mechanisms sound great and I will see what I can adopt of that.

dp always says after I have blown up about something "why don't you just tell me?" by then we are making up and I don't want to start a row again by saying "I did tell you a million times in a million ways but it didn't suit you to hear it". Maybe I do need to just start being more blunt and say things more like the things you say

sonlyme, how are you?
Off to bed in a minute. waiting for someone in LA to send me something for a meeting tomorrow but I don't think they are going to

Okay, you guys, no. Men are not just selfish in an unavoidable way, and you are not lucky to have one that pulls his weight. Men are people and women are people and you have the right to expect to be treated equally and with respect just as part of the basic, starting-point, DEAL. And if you're not getting that, you need to blow shit up until you do, seriously.

As drinkers, we are displaying maladaptive behaviours, sure. What is it that we are mal-adapting to? I think it's the demands of life, sure, but I think it's more than that. I think it's internalised rage. Women don't get taught to rage on the outside, that's why we cry more than men, and alcohol abuse is another good way of internalising the crap that we feel day to day. When we don't feel loved, or lovable, we don't take care of ourselves either.

I once read something on here that said, if you think about it, PND is quite a rational response to being asked to give up your job, your friends, your hobbies and your body in return for being stuck inside all day with a screaming baby, no help and no sleep. And that stuck with me; the things we expect women to just be able to deal with, without incurring any emotional scars, are immense.

So some of us drink. I'm not saying that therefore we can't take responsibility for ourselves, or in a feminist utopia it wouldn't happen. But I AM saying that part of recovery is making for ourselves the right life to live. This is our lives, the whole rest of them, and we're going to do it without a crutch. So they need to be good lives, and they need to be healthy and supportive and fulfilling.

And that means that our men have to get the fuck off the couch and start looking after us when we're sick, and spending time with us on the weekends, and making us feel like loved, valuable people.

You guys are awesome, and brave, and wonderful, and funny. Don't accept scraps.

That is a bloody BRILLIANT post, Tortoise. Just that. Bang on the money. Thank you for putting it out there so clearly; we need to be reminded of this stuff.

Thanks tortoise. Thank you. X

Wow what a post Tortoise! Hit the nail on the head for me. Hi everyone - been a lurker for a bit with this thread but didn't feel ready to join you yet - is it ok if I do now though am off to my local nhs alcohol service on Friday for assessment and strangely or not am really looking forward to it and am going to remain dry from now until then. like you say tortoise there is far more to all of this than just 'liking a drink'! I'm in a miserable, unloving marriage that I'm trying to get out of, I have a diagnosis of pnd and am on antipressants and I'm stuck in a vicious cycle of binging on 2 bottles of wine every other night. I binge, I feel like shit the next day, I stay dry that day, I wake up feeling better, so much so that as the day wears on, I fancy another binge....I know you all know what I'm talking about, I've tried moderation and switching to other drinks but don't see the point really, it doesn't work for me as I'm drinking to numb myself and forget and unfortunately I'm not going to achieve oblivion on a bulmers and a couple of pimms!! I've been so put off stopping for good for the fear that life won't be fun anymore, but it really isn't fun now and I'm starting to worry for my health, so as of today I'm starting to feel excited that with some help and support I can break this cycle, sober up, get healthy and enjoy a dry life!

Thank you for this thread and keeping it going everyone, it really really has helped to take those first steps getting help in reading people's honest accounts and insights x

All true tortoise. x

Welcome Namehaschanged. Sounds like you've really come a long way in your thinking already. Good to have you with us and hope your NHS alcohol service session goes well; will be interested to hear whether they suggest 'responsible drinking'. Frankly, as anyone on this thread knows - that just doesn't work if you are one of us. Abstinence is the only way. And life DOES change, but as you observed so well - life isn't exactly 'fun' like this. So anything is an improvement. And actually, it's LOADS better than that being sober, but just saying that even on a worst case scenario it's still better than the alternative.

Thanks for the kind words Merce I'm very curious too about the appointment on Friday - they might talk about 'responsible drinking' but I don't think so as the website (IDAS) talks about links to rehab, AA and Smart recovery. I think this is for proper alkies and druggies! I self referred after finding the don'tbottleitup website and realising that I am a dependant drinker.

sorry forgot to add this is day 2 for me by the way!

interesting to see how the appointment goes namechanged.
I know afew people that went for help before rehab or AA with the NHS. they had to keep drink diarys which of course they either lied about or couldn't remember how much to write the next day cos they were to pissed to remember
I hope that i didn't come over as a push over in my last post. I definately don't let my partner walk over me but I do try to remember the crap I put him through, the lies, my moods, behaviour, I try to be more tolerant. keeps me thinking sanely, keeps me sober. I f I am calm it stops my washing machine head going pushing me to want to drink.

I have to admit, when I wrote 'ooh I'm so lucky...' I did think hang on, this is what people tell me, not what I think! DH and I work in this way and it works for us, it's only everyone else who tells me what a wonderful man he is to do such traditionally female things. I must stop thinking he is special (although of course he is) I am just proud of his amazing mother who brought up all her 4 boys to be such amazing and respectful men.

Afternoon all :)
Welcome namechanged and congrats on Day 2! I am also curious to see how the appt goes. I know that the service offered can be patchy, dependent on where you are, so for me will be interesting to hear your experience compared to what is offered around here. As for my DH he has had many years of training so is pretty good in the sharing of responsibilities.
merce will have to check out the cold japanese tea as am always on the scout for new AF beverages. Have you guys seen the flowering jasmine tea that you can get in Wagamama's? Beautiful tasting and looking.

stayingdry that's funny, how are drink diaries a good idea for dependant drinkers? It's not weightwatchers! - I wouldn't remember how much I'd knocked back and so would therefore lie!! No, that would be like a green light for me to just carry on, hope this treatment will be a bit more dynamic than that
Thanks Lucy, I've had the flowering tea in Wagamama's and at Ping Pong I think it's called, so pretty and tasty! I need to have a read through the rest of this post to get inspiration for AF drinks that also aren't too high sugar - I know another very welcome side effect of stopping drinking can be weight loss if you've got any to lose, and I really do (2 stone) so I'll be looking forward to that.
Am I right in thinking I read somewhere about the link between Alcohol cravings and high sugar/carb diets? Am thinking of doing Slimming World Red Days rather than full on No Carbs and joining a council gym as (hopefully) positive distractions from the upcoming cravings.