Being DRY

[Bigglesfliesundone]

This is the fourth thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol completely.

It's an arduous path at times, but we're still here!

We know how easy it is to slip, and how hard it can be to stay on the road, but we also know that we can't drink 'just one'.

The thread motto is 'Watch the film to the end'

Come and have a coffee!

Hi all

Just back from my meeting. I was told it wasn't as well attended as usual owing to the clash with the England game, which we could hear the goings of because the meeting place was next to a pub!! Mixture of men and women and everyone was very kind and welcoming. Was given the newcomers welcome pack and women attending gave me contact details. I can see how valuable it is when there is so little else out there for those of us who find our relationship with alcohol problematic.

Don't know how I feel really. I really struggle with the 'I am alcoholic' as part of how you introduce yourself. Why? Because I don't see myself as an alcoholic and don't want to be defined by it. Is that ego? Maybe. Is that denial? Maybe. Yes I drank too much and yes it was getting out of hand but I stopped before I created total chaos in my life. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone that was there. I nursed alcoholics and so see alcoholics as those who are physically addicted and I never reached that point. I don't feel powerless and I really struggle with the God emphasis (am agnostic).

Steps, sponsors, attending regularly? I'm having CBT and feel that I am meeting all those needs with her. Will I go back? I don't know but it was a valuable learning and questioning experience for me so was not in vain and I know where they are should I need them in the future.

The smell of beer as I walked past the pub on leaving was really appealing and yes I did want to reach for a drink. More soul searching required and I find blogging about these things cathartic so no doubt one will appear in a couple of weeks once I've processed it some more.

I think if you are wondering about AA you should go along yourself and make up your own mind as to whether it is for you. As for me the jury's out.

hi all
I love you all! It feels so great to have people wishing me well. I went through the whole process of really wanting a drink just like I knew I would... and through it, and out the other side. It felt great to emerge and feel like I just didn't need it, didn't want it, and I had people rooting for me.
thanks!

Merce, I don't blame you at all for having it done the way you feel best about.

guggenheim - funerals are so so so draining. try to look after yourself and have ways to relax and recharge if you are staying away from home.

haggis and scarf - I think the wanting to leave early thing is because you get tired and bored and only drink props you up at that stage. It is like having a drug that allows you to eat more cake even when you are full. you are taking more company than your brain and body can naturally stand! ( I say body because I notice awful backache sometimes at long dinners when not drinking. When I am drinking I have aches and pains the next day instead)

sonlyme - big high 5 to my day 4 buddy.

thanks to you all for pulling me through. I can't believe the difference it makes to have you here.

I had to wing it in the meetings because I felt so jittery and awful yesterday I was too scatty to prepare properly. but that was fine because I was sharp and clear headed enough, with no hangover. and then afterwards I asked myself: what can I do with this release of tension, this tiredness and thirst? the answer was: fresh air, fast bike riding, bottle of water and a good book on the train.

then I saw my girls and omg they are so fresh and lovely and it was so lovely to be fresh and lovely with them.

sorry for all this rambling drivel about how great everything is. I appreciate your part in it, all of you.

big hand holding to anyone struggling tonight. i think many of you will be out of the danger zone by now. Hand out to hold for anyone still in it.

So caught up in my own stuff forgot to say Guggenheim & Merce I will be thinking of you both tomorrow and wishing you strength for tomorrow's funerals.
And mab go you!! :)

Well done Mab. Sounds like a stressful day, but it would only have been worse if you'd drank at the end of it. Your bike ride and bottle of water and home to your lovely girls sounds good!

Lucy - really interested in how you found attending your meeting. I have similar feelings - but hope to give it a go at some point.

Merc - I think you were right to go with your instinct. Your face is very important. Hope you can see the surgeon you were more confident in.

Can't remember anymore personals. Bit tired & edgy. Great idea to let our two eldest stay up to watch the footie. But sometimes I need some child-free time. Hope it finishes soon so I can get off to bed. Enjoyed my Fever Tree Lemon flavoured tonic with ice. Yum.

Merc and Guggenheim - I hope the funerals aren't too dreadful. If that makes sense.

Mab - that bit you wrote about your girls being fresh and lovely and you being fresh and lovely with them was really touching. So true. I regret all the years I wasted not being that person and not appreciating the beauty of them and all those moments. But no point wallowing in regret - just onwards and upwards.

All this support and sisterhood is bloody brilliant.

Night all!

Big hi 5 back Mab! Well done. Also took in some fresh air today walking in the sunshine and listening to 'sober' by Pink lol! Lurverly.
Very chuffed onto day 5 tomorrow but feeling a bit panicky re the 'weekend' which is so very different to midweek, full of fun filled exotic activities with the family all happy and smiling, the sun always shining and alcohol just ramps the joy right up to near perfection. No-one lying pished by 7pm, kids crying and arguing or anyone talking pish in this house of a weekend. no siree.... you can see the appeal.

Hugs to Merce and Guggenheim for tomorrow

So many things to reply to!

Lucy I have all sorts of opinions about an AA meeting being held next to a pub. That seems like it's asking too much of a newbie. I wondered about your experience because I've thought of going along to my local one, now that DH 'knows', just to meet sober people in my area. But I don't think I can take it. I really hate slogans and group-think and - oh, this sounds like I'm a pretentious teenager, but - the conformity of it all. And I know that the 'higher power' can be anything, but I'm a very very very atheist. A central tenet of my life is that there is no higher, external or other power than myself, and I'm damned if I'm disempowering myself to believe otherwise.

(It is in my back of my mind as a back-up, though, if I feel like my current support systems aren't enough. Just to have real-time phone numbers and things)

And I want to say a huge enormous WELL DONE to Queenmab and Sonly, Haggis and Scarflady. Wooo!

On the changing routines thing - I tried not to go home after school, for a little while. I'd grab snacks from a local bakery, pick up the girls and take them to the park for afternoon tea, or to the library, or to the duck pond. So by the time we got home, I'd already had a doughnut, or a good coffee, and it was time to start dinner anyway, and the time had sort of passed. I also bought myself a very pretty coffee mug and some really good, fancy coffee, and declared them off-limits to everyone else in the house. And I organised lots of playdates with friends.

Alright, that's quite enough from me.

Hello again and Good morning!

Interesting conversations about AA.

I am fine. Yesterday I had [whispers] almost no cravings . Incredible. But I know I have to be on alert today- my pattern is I think, if I have a hard day and get through then the next day it falls apart, if I have an 'easy' day then the next day it falls apart.

I am going through the Belvoir cordial range in a pretty comprehensive fashion- rhubarb and strawberry is delicious.

The changing of routine thing- I think that might be key for me. If I do the school run, then home at 3.30 then I think 'now the frick what do I do?'. I need to plan. Today if it is like yesterday I will drive the hour to my favourite beach and have fish and chips for dinner again. If it is rainy- um- not sure. Maybe go to somewhere like McDonalds. Not ideal, but the point is I have to drive there. That gets me through the trigger time.

Best of luck to merce and guggenheim for the funerals. I hope it all goes as well as can be hoped.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Good morning to all. I had a small bit of feeling wobbly last night (will need to speak to DH soon about the whole thing and ask if he can not drink often at home). But got through it and went off to bed.

I'm liking all the ideas for changing routines. I will try and go out with the dog after DH comes in this evening and before dinner.

Hi to all - esp those of us in the first week. We can get through this weekend because we are all in the same boat. I'm sure of it.

Day 6. I have also had ten AF days out of 11.

Morning all!

Well done for getting through the wobbly stage last night, Haggis. I think it's entirely fair enough for you to ask your DH to try not to drink around you for the time being. One other thing I found helpful was getting my DH to drink things I never really liked (like beer or whisky).

Oh - and Tortoise, I totally get the atheist thing. I am card-carrying Richard Dawkins type too. But I have found AA can work in spite of that. The Higher Power thing can be anything - string theory if you like! And know what you mean about there being no higher power than yourself, but one way of thinking of it (that I found useful) was: Do you have the power to move the oceans/tides/weather/rotation of the planet etc? Not that there is some 'God' that is sitting there masterminding it all, but just that we don't have that sort of power, if that makes sense. Actually, if you come to terms with the fact that you (one) can't control 'people, places and things' then it can be quite liberating. So, for instance, instead of constantly battling against someone's behaviour (an infuriating parent, for instance), you just accept that they are who they are and you aren't going to change them. All you CAN change is how you react to them. Otherwise life can be like banging your head against a brick wall. Does that make any sense? Anyway - not meaning to be a cheerleader for AA, but just passing on the way that I made sense of it. So much of it is brilliant that it seems a shame to forgo it all just because of the 'GOd' issue.

Anyway - about to take kids to school and am then going to take myself to the gym to blow some cobwebs out ahead of this funeral. My poor, poor friend. Now a single mother to two tiny children after losing her partner. And had to see her partner die in front of her. Can't even begin to imagine what Hell she must be going through.

Sorry - slightly miserable post.

Wishing everyone a great sober day.

xx

Just had a thought.... Another trick that I think tortoise recommended on an earlier thread is you put £1 in a jar for every day AF. I got depressed last week when I lapsed, but then counted my coins and could see something tangible from my AF days. .... I had the mindset of throwing it all away because of my lapse. I am planning to buy myself something lovely when w got to Spain from my money. There has been more than one day that the only thing that got me through my triggers was wanting to put a coin in my jar.

Oh merce how desperately sad for your friend and her family.

Thoughts to everyone having a sad day today xx

Merce, that will be a really difficult funeral. look after yourself before and afterwards. Sometimes you can get through the event, the thing you knew would be hard, and then find afterwards you are drained and have low defences and things go wrong.

I loved waking up this morning - girls up too early but I didn't mind - we had time to do some colouring and sticking after breakfast.
I know harder times are ahead. I am not complacent, just enjoying the good times as they come.

There is a ton of positive stuff on this thread. I bloody love you lot, you are all ace.

Checking in, I started a thread on here yesterday about having realised I need to stop drinking, and lovely poster messaged me and mentioned this thread :)

I'm a danger to myself and I don't know when to stop (even though I can go ages without a drink, classic binge drinking).

I have to change, I have to stop drinking, it's destructive and unhealthy and I'm ashamed of myself but it's going to get better, I'm going to stop, I can't carry on like this, so here's to the start :)

Welcome sooperdooper.This thread is a good place to be. :)

Sooperdooper. You are very very welcome, as the lovely Corn Chips says. There are quite a few of us newbies on this thread so don't feel intimidated that everyone "knows" each other (I thought that before I jumped right in and everyone new & "old" was lovely. It's really helping me.

I'm trying to view each new day as a day I get closer to removing ALL the layers of emotional & physical crap that drinking. I'm not giving something up. I'm not "on the wagon" - I'm gaining something. Something that will be really really good.

Merce - as you say - your poor poor friend and her children. What they are facing into, it's unimaginable. She will need her friends and you sound like a very very good friend.

Mabs - we love you too!!! Here's to another good day for us all (as much as it can be for those who are facing tough situations.

Welcome SooperDooper. Is today a drinking danger day?

Hi,hope everyone is doing well,friday can be a tricky day to stay sober but well worth it for a hangover free start to the weekend.
merce that sounds like a very sad situation- sorry to hear about it.
My funeral isn't until the start of next week- I was a bit vague about details,so thank you for all the kind comments,I will store them up against next week if that is ok.

I wanted to say something about telling friends that you are sober. I just either don't say anything at all or just " no,thank you" until they get the message. I tend not to offer any explanation at all and that works ok.But it took 3 or 4 meet up with close friends to really get the message across,with time they really,really,really don't give a monkey's bum if you are drinking or not.
With the repeated "no,thank you" method,I am prepared to have a little bet. People will be annoying up to and including 9pm. After that they will be pissed and settle in for a proper drink (you know what I mean). If your friends continue to bug you after 9.05 I will send you your own body weight in chocolate buttons.Or we could have a Dry Thread game- what is the latest reported 'sober bugging' time. I'm convinced that 9 is the watershed.
I also wanted to mention that there are some great things about aa too and personally,I intend to continue going while ignoring the pushy,agenda crazy types. For instance,I'm trying hard to just deal with life and not to make a disaster or drama out of everything bad which happens. This is a message I've taken from aa which works very well for me,whereas amends and sponsors ect didn't work out so well. Maybe in the future they will be exactly what I want to do they won't who knows?

This thread makes me think long and hard. I always just hop on to say hello and end up writing an entire essay.

Guggenheim - loving the idea of a Dry thread game. Interesting that 9pm is the time after which people start focusing on their own glasses. My bet is that anyone particularly persistent may have their own alcohol issues. I say this in the knowledge that I have always been in the past, THAT person ah, go on, go on, you will you will you will . Maybe I can change my MN name to Mrs Doyle.

I've just had a Magnum and a coke to top up the old sugar levels pre-danger time.

Just spoke to my Dad on the phone. It came up (rather bizarrely, he was talking about any liver damage he may have sustained when he was in full drinking mode) about the date he got sober and went into rehab. I'd never properly done the maths but kind of had it in my head he was mid-late thirties. Turns out he was 41years and 10months old. I am 41 years and 5 months old. Kind of weird, huh?

He doesn't know anything about where I am at now. We love in different countries and have a remote, if fond, relationship.

Anyway ladies. Hope everyone is ok. Looking for some good hand holding from you all this evening.

Evening lovelies :)
Tortoise I feel all of those things that you mentioned too. Merce & Guggenheim I absolutely don't doubt that AA is fab for some people but I suspect just not for me. I really wanted to feel like I was 'coming home' which is how another sober friend of mine described it, and so wanted to feel differently than I was. Now I'm all stirred up again and feel 'not good enough' because I can't do AA. F**king people-pleaser in me does my head in!
Anyhoo, you live and learn and I hope everyone has their sober treats ready on this lovely summer's evening. Me, cloudy lemonade and milk chocolate, obvs not mixed together! Merce I hope the funeral went as well as it could - so hard as you say.
Hands out on a Friday night and sending out sober strength vibes.

Grabbing your hand Lucy. Please don't beat yourself up about AA. It's not for you right now. It might never be for you. There are a hundred different ways to get sober and stay sober. And you are already doing both of those things! Let's face it, this thread and Soberistas and all the sober blogs - all perform the same function. To bring people together in community of their shared understanding that they want to be alcohol free. And support and encourage each other towards that end.

That was the original idea of AA, but human nature being what it is, all sorts of layers of rules and philosophies have been added on top (never mind all this cult palaver we now hear about). And all that extra stuff can really really help lots of people. But for some people it just doesn't help. But that doesn't mean they've failed in any way.

Not meant to be a rant ....

Today, I am mostly drinking cranberry juice and tonic. In some ways should be easier today, DH is not drinking as he is on a 5:2 day. We are very good living in this house tonight

Haggis Thank you :) Everything you say is right and true. I perpetually felt 'not good enough' and that's why I drank. Remove the drink and that feeling is still there. I just find new ways to berate myself!!

Had a long soak in the bath with bubbles which is my new remedy and reward to feeling crappy.

Hope everyone has an easy night