Being DRY

[Bigglesfliesundone]

This is the fourth thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol completely.

It's an arduous path at times, but we're still here!

We know how easy it is to slip, and how hard it can be to stay on the road, but we also know that we can't drink 'just one'.

The thread motto is 'Watch the film to the end'

Come and have a coffee!

Thank you Merce I am getting it, I'm sure.
I'll let you know how my first AA meeting goes on Sunday.

Ahh..just found the Qcumber and ordered 2 bottles. Thank you Biggles

I feel all charged up with enthusiasm to 'change', 'take charge' and live a more honest happy life. I wonder when this feeling starts to subside and real life, not just numbed feelings and awful guilt, takes over.
What are people's 'go to' suggestions when resolve is faltering.
CornChips You said you 'white knuckled' it yesterday.That sounds difficult and very brave. How did you manage it?

Hi- I am going to hunt that drink down too.

Ihad an awful day yesterday. I was pacing the house, heading back and forth to the fridge to get a drink and stopping myself. In the end I worked myself up into a frenzy, then 'displacement ate' a couple of baked potatoes with cheese and sour cream and eventually went to bed.

So, no real methods as such. Today is better though. I was sick to death of myself yesterday though, and am still feeling a bit that way today.

Actually, CornChips that is terribly good. I admire you enormously for not giving in when 'the chips!' were down and you were having a bad day...hard enough when one is having a good day. I drink to make a good day better, a bad day better, a frustrating day, numbed, and in a totally self destructive, WTF, 'I am not a 'good enough'..'.nice enough'.'..worthy enough' person to save. There doesn't have to be an excuse.
Food does help as wine on an empty stomach hits so much sooner, so one can thwart the effect somewhat and also satisfy the craving for comfort, to feel better.
Just think how you would now be feeling...on top of a bad day...having broken resolve. You did not do that....what an achievement!

Thanks. :) The problem is, I always know the day after a day like yesterday that I feel better, but am more easily thrown off stride...like I white knuckled it, got through and then have no energy to resist any more.

DH is home tonight for an unusual mid week visit home. He has already asked me to put cava in the fridge so I am obsessing about it.

I'm going to have to tell him, aren't I? I talked with my counsellor this week about how I don't want to admit to him just how bad my drinking has become. I said that I could say I want to give up as it plays havoc with my depression- which is perfectly true. She said maybe I just say that to him for now.

I thought the days of feeling strong and euphoric would be how it would be every day. I am so naive.

Forgive me...I have not read the whole thread....lurked on all the previous three so my grasp of who has just stopped, who is struggling to stop, who's lapsed and who is a 'Long Timer' is poor.

How long have you been stopped CornChips? Because I could not cope at this moment with DH suggesting putting Cava in the fridge.
I have emptied the house of ALL alcohol, including his weak lager and Bailey's which I hate but would slug in desperation
.
I am dreading having to have supper/ Sunday lunch get-togethers here as I will have to offer wine and I just cannot trust myself.

Is your DH understanding? I am actually a little unsure about how 'understanding' my DH is. He just expects 'will-power' or an exercising of 'moderation'. He simply cannot grasp that one gets to a point where one cannot trust oneself with alcohol ever again.

I had to have a completely honest talk with him... and I 'm still not sure. Good luck, it is so hard to admit to someone you love and /or respect that you have failed, that you are flawed, maybe inadequate....all of those things I did on Sunday and it was painful and raw.

I can understand that 'day after' after feeling.....that you have absolutely no resources left.
Thinking of you.

Hi Ending. I have been on the thread since early March. I think my longest consecutive alcohol-free period is 2 weeks, and then I tend to lapse for 1-2days and back again. I am aiming for complete abstinence and I will achieve it. :)

DH simply does not care that much about alcohol- or any other sort of drug. So he kind of does not really get how it is for me. He is understanding, just a bit baffled. There are a bunch of reasons why I have not really explained things yet to him.... so many of those reasons are really just trivial. And so many other reasons are exactly what you have said above... admitting I have failed him somehow. He has/had me a bit on a pedestal. I am afraid of admitting to him that maybe I am not all that really. Also, I don't want him to change his habits around me because of me. I honestly don't care if he drinks. I don't want to feel like I am ruining anything for him.

I feel like I have spent my entire life trying to be the perfect daughter, friend, wife, mother. It IS a charade. I am not sure how much I have left for me and to give to myself. That is why the earlier discussion we all had about the isolating, time out affects of alcohol really resonated for me. It is like giving msyelf a bleeding rest from it all.

Anyway, I am not drinking today. :) DH will not be back until late anyway, and once I am past my early evening trigger time I don't care much anymore. We may talk tomorrow.

Anyway. Me me me me. It's all about me.

sorry Friends.

Corn - you don't have to be perfect - no one is perfect - be kind to yourself - I am in bed hiding from the pull of alcohol -

I'm 7 months in now and still feel like a beginner. I sometimes can't believe how long it is and yet also feel it's no time at all! I just want to get to a year, as I feel that will mean something (just a personal thing) Also 11 months smoke free.

The 'pink cloud' does sort of fade after a while I guess, but, s everyone knows , I replaced my drinking with running! I can't run at the moment because of an injury and am feeling really fed up about it all.

I asked DH again tonight whether he 'missed' me drinking - you know, the times when you get drunk with your partner and it's 'ok' for a bit, good fun even, and he just said the end of the night (film!) always ruined what ever had been good about it. I have to say, the only thing I sort of long for is drunk uninhibited shagging at times. Just every now and then ...

corn it's allowed to be about you! You are the one that matters .

Blimey CornChips Your post just now could have written by me!

And there was me thinking I was individual and unique!
DH and pedestal in the beginning, for years though, tho' I've really fallen off now...... trying to be the perfect someone to everyone, not letting anyone down, DH baffled (he can have half a can of 3% lager and put the rest back in the fridge.
Not sure whether a catholic education and a father who was a clergyman helped (got to say, my dad was a wonderful person, completely judgement-free, middle of the road, not extreme and really, I believe could have not had ANY negative influence as I was growing up). But my background was always defined by what you can do for other people.
My Mum though,, did drink and still does (sherry).....Alan Bennet...'Talking Heads' anyone? (tho' no affair I'm sure).
Entered caring/medical profession, always giving..giving..giving

This is why I need to explore WHY I drink. Not to justify it, just to understand it.

I will have to very careful not to become too introspective and navel-gazing about all this...I don't think it would be tolerated at home at all.

I will really have to do all this in a very moderate, laissez faire way, even when I inevitably hit a challenging time.

That's why I value here. Corn Chips Don't apologise that it is 'Me, me me, it's all about me'. Your 'me' resonates with my 'me'

Fuckit 4 hours and 10 minutes 'til it's a year sober!. How I wish I could say that.

Sorry, sounded a bit whiny there.

Yes, it is frightening. I get the drunk shagging thing.

I guess there is fear too about being alcohol-free. I have been drinking for 20 years. What if I don;t like RL without the fog shielding me?

I am on my second cup of jasmine tea. :) I investigated Couch 2 5 k, Biggles. That is wholly because of you. :) Still considering it....

Evening all. Tortoise, thank you for the Rachel Brownell (sp?) tip - have ordered. Actually I do take back quite a lot of what I said about Drunk Mom - having re-read the end in full last night I did get more gripped and felt less novel-ly about it - but as you say, it is very 'written', isn't it. Its funny - rather than hiding empty bottles at the moment, I am hiding the number of alcohol books/memoirs I am buying, by squirrelling them away in a secret place (or so I think...) on the iPad. Ironic.

Pff, antsy evening here. Day 3 and I am all over the place. Can't concentrate, or rather am concentrating quite well on several things at once (watching tennis and ordering school uniform for Sept (what's that about? true displacement activity!) may be compatible but doing them at the same time as cooking dinner and preparing a work presentation for tomorrow certainly isn't.). Feel all scratchy inside and out, and am glad the kids are in bed and long-suffering DP is out for the evening, so I can concentrate on whirling round the house in an increasingly unproductive flurry, barking at myself rather than at him. But on the upside, I don't feel like I'm going to drink (have really scared myself by reading lots of stuff about liver damage symptoms - no idea why I do this to myself, but it's something I do periodically to steel my nerves). Must calm down! I'm assuming that my current manic rushing around the place probably has some physiological rationale to do with alcohol leaving the system (she says, hopefully). I certainly hope it will have ceased by the time I do my presentation tomorrow, otherwise everyone will feel like we're all on speed or something.

I hope everyone is doing really well. Sorry am not yet good at name checking, but sounds like people are being really positive and determined - fingers crossed for us all.

That's funny, ScarfLady! I'm self conscious about all the memoirs etc as well. I had to order Caroline Knapp's Drinking: A Love Story in paperback, there's no Kindle version, and I feel embarrassed at it being on my shelf!

CornChips, baked potatoes and bed sounds excellent, well done you. As for the husband, you know that I went through this as well. I didn't mention it at all at first, and then a few days in he asked and I just said I was taking a break. We went back and forth on it; 'But, a glass with Sunday dinner, surely?' 'Nope, because then I'll want another glass, and then the next week I'll want a glass or two on Saturdays and Sundays, and then it'll be Fridays as well, and before I know it I'm back to struggling to get an AF day twice a week'. We needed to have the conversation a few times, because he'd accept it and then a few weeks later: 'But what about when we settle on the new house! Aren't we going to have a nice bottle of champagne?". But, just as I started to find it easier and easier to do without, he started to find it easier and easier to not have a drinking companion. For the same reason: we both realised that alcohol wasn't the thing that created the companionship in the first place, and Friday night is just as nice without it.

He does ask every now and then, still, but not 'would you like a drink', more 'how are you finding the not-drinking?'. He drinks a glass of wine with dinner, and about twice a week he'll come home and make himself a G&T or have a second glass in the evening, and that's it. So he's drinking less as well now that he's not keeping up with me. And thank Christ for that, because frankly we'd be financially underwater if we were still spending on alcohol like we were.

Hi everyone, not posting at the moment much but have been reading. 1 month for me today. Feeling proud, think this is the longest in about 15 years, even when pregnant I drank a glass or two every week.

Sorry if its disconcerting for everyone to have all these lurkers popping out of the woodwork but I am another one and just wondered if it was ok to add something?

I just wanted to say that it helps enormously if you can accept that it will be difficult some days and sometimes you might be truly obsessed with thoughts of alcohol. Instead of thinking "Oh I'm no good at this, I can't do it because I can't just serenely get on with my flower arranging or other displacement activity, I am a failure at giving up alcohol, its got a terrible grip on me, I am a hopeless case ... etc" - just try and accept the difficulty of it as a matter of fact and do whatever it takes not to drink including stuffing yourself with baked potatoes and going to bed!! .

Because it really doesn't matter if you found your sober day difficult or a breeze - you still had a sober day and that is the goal. No matter how you got there.

I hope it is ok for me to say this. I feel like a participant on these threads because I read them all, even though none of you know me!

Onwards ever onwards all .

Well done Skippy! Congratulations.

Was thinking about what to tell your teenage children, Ending, and actually think what Cornchips said about the link with depression is useful. I have decided that if I am really pushed by friends about why I am not drinking (hasn't happened yet, but am bracing myself) then I will say that I have found that alcohol makes me depressed. It IS a depressant, after all, and anyway is true - as getting pissed results in hideous consequences which DO make me profoundly depressed. Wonder if that might be the reason you could give your teenage DCs?

I am feeling bad today as my AA sponsee has had a relapse. Realise I need to not make it all about me, but equally wonder if there was something more I could have done to help. Self-flagelation moment….

Hi Mintyy. Yes, I rather agree with that. Think key is not to expect things to be black and white. Fixed or not fixed. Sadly, the reality of life is that it has more grey shade. I like the bit in AA when they go on about 'progress not perfection'. Makes sense to me. If we expect ourselves to be 100% serene in our sobriety all the time then we are setting ourselves up for a mighty fall.

Right - MUST do some work….

Yes, people feel a failure if they find it hard. But you are not failing, you are winning (and it gets easier, much easier).

I'm into my sixth month and still have to pinch myself that I've actually done this. From wine being an integral part of my life - drinking at home, alone at least two or three times a week (and I was one of those who could never stop at a glass or two, it was always the bottle, and then sometimes making a big dent in another!). So maybe three/four days out of seven I'd have a 'hangover' of some description.

I now haven't touched a drop since 31st December 2013. It was intended just as a dry January after the excesses of Christmas/New Year, but I've just kept going.

I think occasionally about drinking, had one Saturday a while back when I was really, really tempted for some obscure reason (but didn't cave) and now I don't even think about it.

I live an alcohol free life after drinking for decades.

Hate using cliches but 'if I can do it anyone can' so please hang on in there all of you who are trying (and slipping up, as I did many times).

Yes, Merce Cornchips made a good point. I think I can adopt that with friends too, also...'As I get older, alcohol has a more and more negative effect on me, whether physical or emotional'

I still don't know what to say about my trips to AA. We have my MIL to supper every Sunday and the meeting is at 7;30 about 40 minutes away.
I just cannot tell her where I am going; I can't afford that. If I said I was going to, say Pilates for instance, she would think I was being selfish and abandoning my family supper. And she would say so.
Am thinking that 'Sunday supper' could become 'Sunday lunch', she would then be out of my hair by the evening. I feel guilty at re-arranging the whole family to fit around me but then think. 'Sod it...this is my life and health at stake'.

I find, so often, that men find it so much easier to do the things they need/want to do as often the mother is always there to look after the children and keep everything going. Now it's my turn but as someone else pointed out up thread, I must make sure it's not 'all about me'. What a dichotomy! But I really am anxious about upsetting the equilibrium in case I am criticised for it, (as if I didn't upset the equilibrium when I was behaving aggressively, drunk and irrational....the irony). As you can prob tell we come from a pretty 'traditional' family dynamic.
Fontella a great achievement, well done...I wish it was me
Mintyy A very good point articulately and eloquently expressed. Thank you

Sorry, meant to add congrats to Skippy and say the same about the memoirs that Tortoise was empathising about, which I am waiting to arrive. I had a quick and rather amusing glimpse in my mind's eye at all the memoirs queued up my shelf and what people might think if I displayed them with impunity.
We did houseswaps for years, done over 20 and it is very telling what people's reading material is, one makes lots of assumptions.....

Ending no worries if an alcohol allergy reason doesn't work for you with your family. As for me I'm 8 1/2 months without booze now. DH & I gave up together as he was as problematic a drinker as I was so in some ways that has made it easier. If one of us drank though - all bets would be off I suspect! I spent the last 5 years trying to moderate my way out of admitting I needed to completely stop but I was fighting a losing battle and getting pissed at myself for limiting myself (go figure!) Both of us suffered from depression on and off that has now miraculously disappeared.
I have a large (hidden and growing) collection of books about addiction, sober living, codependence, children of alcoholics - see?!
Your suggestion about moving Sunday supper to lunch sounds like a good one and I coped in the early days by shaking up my routine so that the drinking trigger times were minimised. And if all else failed I replaced the sugar from booze with cake and chocolate. I didn't worry too much as two chocolate bars still didn't equal the number of calories in the booze I'd been quaffing on a daily basis.

That's amazing Lucy....8+ months!.
In some ways it must be nice to try something challenging together. I feel very much alone with this and have done the same thing as you in trying to moderate and not wanting to admit I need to give up altogether.

It very much has crept up over a period of time...the dysfunctional drinking, I mean...I have always drunk to get drunk, but 'hair of the dog'....working out when I can have my next/first drink and being so out of control...that has got so much worse over the last 3/4 years I guess.
Looking forward to the first of my memoirs coming tomorrow. Am facing my first Friday sober tomorrow. Who mentioned..upthread about missing the good bits of alcohol? DH and I love Friday evenings, 2+bottles of wine, listening to music in the kitchen. Problem is...I will have already started at about 4pm and then Sat and Sundays are write/offs for me. Then I'm back to 'no drinking in the week but feeling increasingly sick and sweaty for longer each week, until it's almost Wed/Thur before I feel better. Really bad! Must get supper ready. Have a good evening.

Thanks Ending :)

Our dysfunctional drinking took time to build a head of steam too and I would have had to stop even if he hadn't tbh.

We both still get that 'Friday feeling' too but it diminishes with time and you just find new ways to celebrate the end of the week - which for us usually involves some kind of food treat these days!

How would I spend my ideal Friday night now? Nice dinner with nice pudding, sparkling elderflower cordial, deep bath with lots of bubbles and candles, herbal tea and early to bed to read my latest alcohol related book knowing that I will wake up without a hangover.

You have a good evening too.

Hi all,

So many great posts and thoughts here. A good day for me today. Just wanted to chime in- my alcohol books are hidden too.... in my wardrobe. :)

Have to feed animals, do the bedtime routine, then will read back through thread. Thanks everyone for holding my hand yesterday. I am 'back' and strong today.

Have a great evening.

Hello again.

Hope everyone is having a good evening.

Scarflady how was your presentation today?

TortoiseI think my DH is also drinking less now that I am as well. He certainly was more or less keeping up with me. When I was drinking, he would have a beer then half a bottle of red wine then maybe a scotch. (Need I say, I would have a beer, then a glass of wine in the kitchen while cooking, then a half bottle of wine for dinner, then finish off the other half secretly in the kitchen while 'cleaning up' then a scotch). Now DH, if he drinks, will have maybe 1 beer and 1 glass of wine. I had not realised really he had cut right down. The way he is, I am not sure he has even noticed.

Mintyy [waves] nice to have you drop in. :) Please stay!

On what to tell friends etc.... I remembered today that years ago I met a man who did not drink. Very occasionally he was asked why not and he just said 'Oh, I decided it doesn't agree with me'. I think that is a good answer. It certainly does not agree with me, no matter how agreeable I find the first drink.

lucy I also spent years trying to moderate. I would write my 'rules' for the day every day. Only 3 glasses of wine today. Alternate days on with days off. God, it was all so exhausting.

Feeling good today. When the trigger time came I took myself off to Argos to buy a bookshelf. I thought I would spend the evening sipping herbal tea and putting it together. But it turns out it has 6 different types of screws and three different screwdrivers and I can't be arsed.

So a bit of MNetting then bed.

Hope everyone is well. :)