Being DRY

[Bigglesfliesundone]

This is the fourth thread for those of us who want to abstain from alcohol completely.

It's an arduous path at times, but we're still here!

We know how easy it is to slip, and how hard it can be to stay on the road, but we also know that we can't drink 'just one'.

The thread motto is 'Watch the film to the end'

Come and have a coffee!

Hi all

Not been by in a while and was thinking of you all

Still off the drink here, it's been quite a while now, but I'm rubbish at remembering dates so couldn't say how long! I put it in my calendar at work so may try to remember to check tomorrow.

I hope you are all well xx

Hi all! Mistress and Lemon I'm coming up to 90 days as well (can't remember exactly, but it's around now) so congratulations to us!

Charade I'm glad you've told your DD and your DH - that's a big step in itself. I can't tell you about AA, except that I agree about the anonymity thing - the other people there are the same as you, remember.

Honestly, three months out, the whole stigma and shame thing is almost gone for me. It felt very shameful to be a drinking alcoholic, but I'm perfectly happy to be a sober alcoholic. That doesn't feel shameful. It doesn't mean that some of the things I did weren't shameful, and like MistressP it's the stuff around my DD2's first year especially that I find hard to think about, but being an alcoholic who doesn't drink? Not a big deal. Honestly.

On weightloss - I too put on weight. And then a couple of weeks ago I took the bull by the horns and started calorie counting, and - I said this upthread, I think - it's soooo easy when you're not scheduling in calories for wine. In two weeks I've lost 6lb.

Good morning lovely people

There's a really lovely positive feeling to the thread lately! So good to read. Of course, there are down days, there will be, but there would be more through the haze of hangovers I reckon!!

I seem to be reaching that stage where, actually, I don't even think about drinking very often. It's not in my head when I get home, in the evenings, at the weekends. well occasionally it is, but not in a craving way, more a restless way really.

I am very on my guard at the moment though, I absolutely HAVE to rest my leg for a week, so I can't run at all. It's really depressing, but I have bought myself some new e books and spend the time reading them, which is not exactly active, but keeps my mind off it! It would be easy to drink while doing it, but what would be the point?

I did have a 'fuckit, I'm 50, what's the point,' moment but did the 'film to the end' and decided that it wasn't a fab ending and being 50 is the best reason not to do it!

I am compiling a 'List of what to do now I am officially Middle Aged' and one of the things is rejoin an am dram group. I love acting and did it a lot when I was younger so intend to restart.

That's about the only thing on the list at the moment...but it will get bigger!!

Have a fabulous day all.

Am dram group sounds fantastic! Quite right to do things you really love - I think we tend to let our own ambitions/interest take such a back seat when we have children that we almost forget what they are. Not drinking means we can be in a position to give them free rein. Think that is just fabulous. And hope the ebooks take edge off the pain in the arse that is having to rest (as a fellow exercise junkie I do know how hellish it is…).

Hi all

Biggles I know the feeling - not that I am a runner so maybe I don't really, but I have always used lots of walking to manage my mood and really struggled when I had spd. I did get some little barbells from Argos though to do some upper body workout stuff and although it is not the same as getting out there, it does feel better than nothing. (weirdly it had a positive effect on the spd too - I thought I was imagining it but when my physio finally came through, among other things, I was given upper body exercises to tone the lats which do help to keep the pelvis in place - sorry v. boring tangent)

thinking of going back to the couch to 5k. I last did it in 2008 and it worked, even on me! not sure when to fit it in - wondering if I could combine it with my commute somehow - but not sure what to wear and I always seem to have so much to carry. Feeling the need for... something new. And so many of you get so much about of running!

sorry to rub it in for those who can't run just now

C25K is what got me started last year. never ever thought I could do, and now I have a proper grown up running injury!!

Merce - I drink peach and lyche cordial with diet lemonade - yum yum - Just been swiming and swam 2k - really - feel sooooooo good xxx. Have a good day all x

Well done you!

I discovered a drink called 'Q' in Tesco the other day, basically fizzy cucumber! Bloody lovely!

Those both sound well worth investigating. Thank you! Glad you are feeling so good, 70H. I am just back from yoga so also feeling (vaguely) serene - OOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM

hi Etah
Glad to hear you are going to AlAnon.
Maybe you should start an AlAnon thread on here too? This thread is not for family of those with a drinking problem.

sorry if that sounds brusque, it's not meant to be but I think the two groups have different interests and requirements

Sorry.
I reported my post.

Hello all,

Thank you for the messages of welcome.

I'm interested in 'Drunk Mom' Mistress...That's what I am every weekend, did you find it helpful? I would so love to be free of the obsession that alcohol is for me...either how many days have I not drunk (ie 4 usually) or if it's the weekend, when I can have my next.(all day on and off)

Oh god...too many people in the kitchen which is where the computer is. You know when they say 'have the computer in a communal place' to ensure you know where your children are going online? Well, it also means you get no privacy yourself! I have HOS (husband over shoulder) or COS (child over shoulder)! Thought I'd manage 5 mins to myself while 'Mythbusters' is on. Hmmmm.
Ok.. I think they've gone.

I might still investigate AA possibly much further away....those of you who did this...2 questions.
If you are not a believer in God, how did you cope with the God thing that seems to heavily underpin the ethos?
Secondly, those of you with children over 10, were you transparent and honest about where you were going every week?
I am torn as I think being honest and not 'in denial' is a big part of recovery but much as I would like to be open, I still struggle with the concept that I should tell my 12 year old, for instance. I could be open with my 17dd and my 14ds.

My mother drank too much as I was growing up but never talked about it or was open. I have therefore grown up feeling very resentful of her as I feel she regards herself as 'blameless' when in fact I feel she did a lot of harm, my sister who does not have a problem with alcohol will attest to her behaviour as she was growing up too.
I know now, how irritated I am when she rings in the week, (I am sober, but she is slurring her words).
She comes to stay and drinks very small amounts (while I swig at litre bottles of sherry, which is her tipple... I don't normally buy it unless she is here). Very complex dynamics, I feel she almost plays a game with me. (I don't think she feels she does so it isn't something she is aware of), but the feeling of deep resentment persists, so should I be more open with my own children?

What have you all done?

Many congratulations to you all who have persisted with sobriety.

I have to face my 1st sober weekend this weekend. I have to face the mind-numbing boredom of 2 days where all I feel I do is wash clean, plan and cook meals. I know I should plan something. I need to 'play the tape to end' I 'know' it all yet deny everything.

Hello again, Ending. Feel for you with the EOS (everyone over shoulder) issue. Take computer into bathroom and lock the door - I have been known to do that!!!

So - on AA… I am a card carrying atheist. So are several of the people who go to my 'home group' (probably why it became my home group). The 'God bit' really really put me off at the start and I got quite hung up on it. I used to share about it in meetings - after all - getting sober (as you quite rightly observed) should be about honesty not faking stuff. In the end, I had some really useful chats with old timers who were non-religious like me. They explained that where it says 'God' you just replace it in your head with Higher Power. That HP can be anything - the point is that there is something more powerful than you and your ego. Can be the love in the room, your family, I know a guy who uses his cat as his HP! Some people do get religious about it, but I am now confident that the way I do it is just fine and not 'half-hearted'. Ultimately it's about dropping the ego a bit and not believing one is God, effectively. It crashes on about a 'God of your understanding' which gives a bit of free license. There is a chapter in The Big Book called 'chapter to the agnostics' which hacked me off no end at the start. Supposed to 'reassure' the likes of me/us, but actually found it deeply patronising. BUT also remember all the literature was written a long time ago in America where God is a given. I am now totally fine about being Godless and proud!

Can't help on the kids thing, but will be interested to see what others say. My oldest is 9. I stopped when he was just 7. He hasn't asked why I don't drink these days. To be honest, I don't think he's noticed. I suspect those conversations are a good way off for me, thank heavens. But only right to be honest when the time comes - partly to warn them about a possible genetic predisposition to it all.

And you might ENJOY a sober weekend, rather than assuming it will be dull and full of chores. Honestly! How about planning to do one thing for yourself that you might like amidst the chores? Even if it's just carving out an hour to read a good book (which you might be able to achieve if not crashing out pissed around 9pm which is how my evenings went).

Another absurdly long one .Sorry! Over and out. Love to all x

Hello all. Well, I've drunk my own bodyweight in water tonight (good) and am half way down a large pack of Revels (less good - but had forgotten how much I love them! Except the coffeeish ones, that is; that lottery of anticipating a yummy toffee one only to get powdery coffee flavour. Ahem, sorry, been a long day).

Mistress, Ending, I've been thinking about Drunk Mom a lot too and re-read bits of it last night. What you said about never being 'as bad as she was' totally resonated with me - in that scary drunkard logic that my head does if left to its own devices 'oh well, she went further than you've ever done, so that must mean you can cut yourself some slack and keep drinking until you get that bad'. It is realising that this is how I think that reinforces how much I need to stop drinking and stay stopped. I've also been thinking about how I don't really warm to the writer, either. Is that an awful thing to say? I kind of feel like I ought to be automatically sympathetic (which I am) and therefore feel a fondness for her (which I'm not sure I do). A lot of it is just writerly quirks and mannerisms (I cringe - quite unreasonably - when she talks about 'the boyfriend' for example). But I'm slightly struggling really to warm to her and that's a bit of a downside when the book is written almost in a novelistic manner. I think maybe I need a more blog-ish type memoir rather than something that feels semi-fictionalised. Not sure if that makes any sense - and I certainly mean no disrespect at all to the writer or what she went through.

Hope everyone is doing well. Yay, a toffee revel - and bed. I am quite content with the lack of excitement in my existence, for now, anyway!

Good evening all.

I resisted AA for a long time partly out of wariness of the God stuff. But for me my resistance to God (with or without AA) came partly from a resentment and fear that the way I was brought up in religion was to doubt myself, put myself down, not trust myself, treat myself as worthless. I knew in some way that healing was going to involve honouring myself and attempted to reject all religion as being negative for that project.

I now have a more peaceful if poorly defined relationship with religion. and less anger and resentment about being not valued in my formative years. So that stuff washes over me. I choose not to care that I don't have a properly formalised or formulated religious or spiritual position. and I don't think it is my job to feel I have to solve all that in order to gain any benefits that might accrue to me by going along with it. I guess I have dumped the self-accusation of "hypocrite" as a useless bit of self flagellation.

some people - especially some women - feel that the emphasis on humility in AA is similarly misplaced for some sectors of society. Some of us have to build ourselves up to heal. In honesty of course - not hubris; but a sincere honouring of the self. I feel that this connects to the fear of religion that some have in AA; an instinctive fear of the damage that can be done by being lectured about humility when we are too low already. I think this may be in many cases an outdated fear. I have been to AA meetings which have many women present and a decent emphasis on our own personal value.

What to tell the children? - I have no idea, mine are so little. i think maybe - I don't know? - you could say something vague about treatment, or an evening class? - something about learning to be a better person...? I don't know, as you can tell. Something that is truthful but vague. let them know it is something for you. Seeing friends to work on being happy. I don't know.

Good night everyone, wishing you all good sleep x

I know what you mean, Scarflady - I love Drunk Mom, but it is highly written, isn't it? Hmmm. For you, I highly recommend Rachel Brownnell, Mummy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore, isn't quite as gripping but it's a good honest practical memoir; she was a single parent of twins, negotiating a new relationship, and she focuses a lot on the actual recovery (going to bed early eating candy; AA; trying to have sex sober; etc) and I found it very useful.

And a hearty well done to all you new sober people! Not that I'm an old hand, or anything, but you won't BELIEVE how much easier it gets. I mean really. Honestly.

Sorry, that's Brownell and 'Mommy' doesn't drink here.

Hi everyone. Have been reading but not posting. Dropping into say hi. :) White knuckled it yesterday. Have bought the Brownell book- thanks Tortoise for the recommendation.

Hoping to get back to the calm, content zone today!

Ending Only suggestion I have about telling the children would be to say that you have found out you are allergic to alcohol? Mine are also too young as yet but that would be what I would say when the time comes.

Hello everyone,

Day off today so have some child-free time on the computer.
Thank you for all your suggestions about AA and God, books to read and what to tell the children.

Lucy I think I have gone past the stage of making an excuse like allergy (in years of age and maturity) They wouldn't believe me, DD is 17, DS is nearly 15, could just about get away with that wth DD12.
I spoke to DH this morning and his feeling was to not be entirely truthful so some of the vague suggestions are useful.

I have found a women's AA some way away, does one just 'turn up' at the allotted time?. Not sure whether only women is better but need some perspective of what alcoholism is like when you are a mother and there may be more liklihood of coming across that in a women's only AA.
I think I will order the Rachel Brownell book.

Have tried to get 'Q' at online tesco, no luck, the drink sounds lovely
.
Merce I think I get the Higher Being' thing just, but allhail what you say makes so much sense...when you feel so low it can be hard to lower yourself further, where the risk is that you are so 'disenfranchised' you have not the wherewhithall to pull yourself up.
However, I have heard so many positive experiences of AA that I can't afford to ignore it.

I think that at the start, all the talk of 'humility' sounds like hitting you when you're down. I thought it was pretty much a pejorative term (made me think of people doffing caps etc). But turns out meaning is rather beautiful if that doesn't sound absurd. About being less selfish - rather than being inferior/'less than' - if that makes any sense. Took a while for it all to sink in and find it's place in my head! Frankly the HP stuff still doesn't always make 100% sense to me; I suppose the difference now is that I think/know that 'that is ok'.

And yes - you just pitch up.

I tried to find Q online too (Ocado). Nothing. But really like the sound of it so will keep looking!!!

Hope you are finding your day at home ok and are feeling (vaguely) peaceful?

Oh no, you MUST find this drink!! here we are I think I left the 'cumber bit off!

Ignore the utter nonsense about it being an idea mixer for gin and vodka. Poppycock

Poppycock indeed! Hurrah- thank you!!!