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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dear STBXH

973 replies

WellWhoKnew · 10/05/2014 22:44

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

OP posts:
oldgrandmama · 05/06/2014 15:37

I am totally awestruck by OP's strength, fortitude and fantastic writing - she should definitely compile it into a book later, when the dust has settled (oldgrandmama was a journalist, so knows a bit about such things). Her shitbag soon to be ex doesn't stand a chance - vile creature.

To those incredulous that he had the sodding nerve to forge her signature ... my exH once forged my signature on mortage documents for the little love nest he was buying in which to meet his latest OW.

She dumped him as soon as she realised he was taking seriously what was to her just a bit of fun/lots of presents/work done on her home (he owned a building firm)/anyway, her DH was far richer ... so the twat decided to keep on the love nest anyway, to meet his OTHER OW who happened to be my (by then ex) best friend! Until I found out ...

Wish I'd reported him for fraud etc. etc. I made him sell the love nest - to rub salt in the wounds, he'd also equipped it with a load of MY stuff - CDs, VHS tapes, books, antiques and paintings (given to me by antique dealer father), bedlinen, kitchen stuff from OUR house ... how bloody DARE he!

Eventually divorced the shit. To this day the OW/best friend, whom he eventually married, doesn't know that he had the other OW on the go at the same time ... I may or may not tell her one day Grin

Keep up the good work, OP - wish I'd had half your brilliance back in the 1970/80s.

WellWhoKnew · 07/06/2014 00:58

Hello, dear NSTBXH,

I'm back from another night out. You bought the rounds.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. It is the village who dragged me out tonight. I had an interesting conversation with a group of men, about the word 'cunt'.

Being the only woman there, I listened with interest. They all agreed it was a very strong word, and they didn't really like to hear it used in the presence of women. They deffo don't like women using the word.

I said 'my husband is a cunt'.

And they all chimed: Oh, yes, your husband is a cunt.

So, you cunt, it turns out you are somehow acceptable.

I wonder though, whether I am the bitch. I mean I imagine your 'legal advisors, pint in hand telling you what to do:

"Do this...: that'll show the bitch"

"Yeah, when I divorced my bitch-wife, I did..."

"Wives are just money-grabbing bitches, give her nothing, mate".

Talking of mates, one of our mutual friends rang today. I told them the news. They called you a cunt.

Oh, he must be having an affair, they said. Well, at least if you can prove it, you'll get more in settlement. They advised me.

But sadly, I suspect you are under this misnomer too: I will get what I get as a financial settlement because of UK law, which does not give one shit whether you've shagged one woman, or one man, or half the population of Countyville (man or woman). It does not give a shit whether you dick is working or not. It just does not do melodrama.

So you keep listening to your bar room barristers. My SHL will keep applying the letter of the law.

For the record, she never called you a cunt. Just about the only person I know who hasn't.

And she's on my side.

Best wishes,

Your rather sweary wife.

OP posts:
nespressofan · 07/06/2014 01:04

Love it! Our local pub landlords shook their heads and made loads of noise about not liking 'what was going on, don't like it AT all' - yet went out to dinner with cunt and bint last week. WTF!

Dec2013mummy · 07/06/2014 16:09

You have so much strength. It really is his loss!

WellWhoKnew · 07/06/2014 20:39

Dear very lovely people of MN,

I'm not liking this word 'strength'. I have cried daily (some days hourly) for the last five weeks. I am bewildered, confused, angry, fucked off, and desperately sad. Strong, I am not.

I have never felt so humiliated, impoverished and desperate in my life.

Still, my own fault for being married to the ultimate fuckwit, I suppose.

But, thank you all the same. You are lovely.

If you don't mind, I'll keep up my rants. I will never write this book because at some point in the future (and this IS what I'm clinging on to) my life will move on.

I'm just going to focus on putting one lonely foot in front of t'other, until the day I look up and notice the scenery has changed. In the interim, I shall rage here.

Yours, WellWhoKnew.

OP posts:
nespressofan · 07/06/2014 20:42

Lots of days putting one foot in front of the other is tougher than we can possibly even think. But we call you 'strong' because you are. Very strong. I wish you even more strength soon and erm, that book, I'm reserving my copy ...

punygod · 07/06/2014 20:49

Dear STBXH,

thank you for taking my boys for 50% of the week, which means that I have to cram 100% of their lives into the other 50% because you do NOTHING with them, buy them nearly NOTHING, NEVER take them to the dentist's, hairdresser's, doctors...in fact they're not even registered with a dentist or doctor where you live, despite the fact that you insisted on moving 20 miles away 2 years ago.

Thank you for giving up your job 3 months after we got married and stating that you'd "never work for a boss again" - because I had money.

You certainly stuck by that. You now live on the £230, 000 my parents gave you to buy you out of my house, plus the £20, 000 a year you get from renting out the £250, 000 shop you insisted on as part of your 'settlement'. You know, the one I bought you so you could open a bookshop after you did the degree I financed, after you left work?

You now run an online bookshop, despite having no pc or printer at your home. The boys need one, you know. For school. That other thing you don't pay for.

All this, and the boys come home complaining that they live on Tesco value frozen veg and use Tesco value toiletries when they're with you.

Massive. Entitled. Twat.

punygod · 07/06/2014 20:50

Sorry, I hijacked.

I thought it was a letter thread.

I'm sorry for your situation, OP.

I guess you touched a nerve.

You're well rid. As am I.

WellWhoKnew · 07/06/2014 21:04

Punygod,

You are a very welcome addition to this thread. In fact, when I started it, I expected other posters to rant here in just this way.

You keep writing here - because you haven't hijacked , you've contributed.

Thanks you. The fact that I am not the only very fucking angry woman walking this planet, makes me feel slightly okay.

And I'm sad that there's another woman who has a fuckwit! Sometimes, I feel very alone.

Best wishes.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 07/06/2014 21:09

'Strong' is relative, Well. Some reading your thread are not even capable of putting one foot in front of the other right now. To them, you are a 'heroine'. And an example of where they hope to be. To others perhaps you appear 'not so strong' because they are further ahead than you or they instigated their divorce and so wonder "What's the big deal, get on with it?". But allow those who need to get to where you are to admire you. Even as you allow yourself to fall down occasionally.

Your life is moving on minute by minute. Slowly, maybe, but it is moving and the scenery is changing. And rage away! It's good for you.

PedantMarina · 07/06/2014 21:19

Thanks for welcoming punygod to the fred, wellwhoknew - I've thought about doing a "letter" but just haven't. yet.

(BTW, punygod - totally get the reference. Some day I may even qualify as a Geek Therapist, and thay bit (and "this looks important") will both heavily feature).

punygod · 07/06/2014 21:42

Thank you, Wellwhoknew.

My main aim is getting rid of the anger. It's becoming a habit.

punygod · 07/06/2014 21:42

Pedant

Smile
WellWhoKnew · 07/06/2014 22:05

Punygod - the anger is something that comes in flashes (hence my posts). You come here and rage. I welcome you.

Life is all upturned. It sucks to be the person having to make sense of it all. It really sucks being the person who has to explain it to your family, his family, your children, your friends of over twenty years, your business partners, your employees, your anyone you have ever met. It just plain fucking sucks.

Pendant. Just type. It's so fucking easy. Retype anything that makes it clearly unique to you. It's amazingly cathartic.

OP posts:
KiaOraOAotearoa · 07/06/2014 22:23

Heheee! God help STBXH!
Fab writing OP :)

punygod · 07/06/2014 22:34

Dear stbxh,

In fact, the money is nothing.

You took my self esteem and my ability to trust.

Most days I live with the legacy of your controlling behaviour.

My new dp simply walking into the kitchen and closing the door behind him makes my stomach flip over and my heart pound.

I'll never get over what you did on our wedding night. I should have left you then.

Our sons are the only thing that make the twenty years I threw away on trying to have a relationship with you worthwhile.

SpicedGingerTea · 07/06/2014 22:34

Well have just found your thread. Excellent. You're doing really well. For what it's worth, I remember those early days, feeling defiant and strong and angry one minute, then I'd be crying or shaking or sitting staring at the wall thinking my life was over the next,......

It's exhausting. Look after yourself and I'll keep reading.

chaosagain · 07/06/2014 22:42

You can be strong AND hurting. One does not preclude the other...

And you do sound strong.

Like so many others here, I'm willing you on and wishing you more strength.

To borrow the best MN insult I ever read "I'd call him a cunt but he lacks both the depth and warmth of one."

Moanranger · 08/06/2014 01:12

Well I can strongly relate to your situation. When my marriage ended I posted on here & people would comment on how strong I was, but I didn't feel that way. I was, and to a degree still am, angry, and that can be useful & certainly better than curling up into a little ball.
But these Xs are such dicks! Mine left me for someone else, but has been thoroughly raging & unreasonable since. Although we are divorced, we haven't settled our finances, & he still continues to be a complete dickwad. I made him a settlement offer 10 months ago which he turned down flat & then he took all sorts of legal actions against me. He will eventually end up with nothing over & above his fair share of marital assets, precisely because of his twattishness. When I was where you are now, I mourned the marriage, but not the man, which is maybe the way you feel, more or less.

WellWhoKnew · 09/06/2014 23:08

Dear NSTBXH,

You know how all those parenting gurus say 'label the behaviour, and not the child'. Management gurus spout something similar too when dealing with difficult people.

So I'll stop calling you a cunt. I love the quote above that you lack both the depth and the warmth of one. I'll stop calling you a coward and a bully too. Mostly. In fact, I'll just manage you just like any other adult one may have misfortune of having to do business with.

And divorce is a business just like any other. A nasty one, admittedly, and if your definition of business is akin to what you see on The Apprentice, it really is a simple task of bargaining and playing 'call my bluff'. With the really unscrupulous, a case of trying to avoid their little ploys. It is ruthless, cold-hearted and has little time for much sentiment. And like a true management guru, I am delegating it to my SHL.

Delegating but not abdicating.

But, now you have deemed me an unreasonably behaved adult. I am quite liking the idea of being rather unreasonable. I would hate you to regret your leaving. I'm quite considerate like that.

Now that I'm the unreasonably behaved one in this marriage and you are divorcing me, I think it's high time I took on board your feedback and change my behaviour. It has got to be done at some point. I can't mourn you forever. My commitment and loyalty to you will have to cease. My willingness to consider your wants and needs, to think about your feelings, to have to check with you whether I'm right or wrong. And no matter how irrational you become, beyond how you have been up to now, I will not entertain your self-centredness anymore. Yes, I guess those habits need to die hard.

Oh, and your latest submission claiming 80% of the property in my name, with 100% of the valuable commodities of our marriage, gives me a wonderful helping hand.

Yours,

Wife who is learning what that right now she is her main priority.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 10/06/2014 02:09

PS The assets in my name are 35% of the assets we have.

We had.

But I shall refrain from calling you names.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 13/06/2014 21:57

Dear NSTBXH,

To 'celebrate' six weeks of freedom, you treated me to a haircut. It's still long, as you like (liked?) it but I have toyed with the idea of doing something radical with it, like cutting it off. It's not just that it would be a symbolic act to demonstrate the change in me, but long hair is much more expensive to take care of than short hair, and I'm feeling the need to economise.

I also need new clothes thanks to the effects of the divorce diet. So my expenses just keep on coming.

Your maintenance payment is delayed the post, I presume?

Anyway, my little trip out got me to thinking about Samson and Delilah. In short it's a story you'll like - the woman is to blame.

You see Samson had a lot of power. For reasons that escape me, Delilah, who was his life partner, betrayed him to his enemies by telling them of the source of his strength - his long hair. As a result, his enemies cut off his hair and his power was diminished. I've no idea if he ever forgave her. Apparently she was very remorseful though.

But then, I wondered what would happen if it was Delilah's version of events that were recorded?

What happens if it turned out Samson was a bit of a megalomaniac? The kind of man who likes to control everything; a person who makes unilateral decisions without regard for others? A man who fervently believes his way is best, and will anger at anyone who dares to suggest otherwise. You know, the kind of man who believes it is his right to decide outcomes and will do anything to ensure that he gets what he wants. A man who believes he is right and everyone else is to blame.

The problem with having to make decisions is that they invoke the law of unintended consequences. You see Samson chose to tell Delilah his secret. She chose to tell his enemies. Neither of them wanted the outcome that resulted.

Now what really really happens if one makes unilateral decisions, without consulting others, in the fervent belief they are right to do so?

Just for the record though, it feels a little wrong to disparage Samson.

And I'm not going to say you are Samson, notably because age has robbed you of your hair, and regrown it in your ears. Something, thankfully I shall never see again.

But, at least having ear hair explains why you are deaf to reason.

Anyway, back to my little parable. Samson, trusted his life partner with his most powerful secret. She, having ears free of wiry hair, listened and then opened her fat mouth. Kind of makes me wonder about Samson now. I mean, just what the fuck did he do to deserve that? I mean, clearly Delilah is the wrong-doer, she's the bloody woman. It is clear as day, as Samson can do no wrong, he is always right, and he is the victim of her actions, it has got to be Delilah's fault, right?

Anyway enough of the biblicism. Any Christian charity I have for you is diminishing at the same rate of knots as my bank balance.

Oh, and I've been consulting with others. I suspect now, you'll want to appoint a solicitor. You may find you need two.

Yours,

The wife, who, like your ear hair, remains something you have not mastered.

PS The story had a happy ending. Samson's hair grew back and he recovered his strength, which is why I didn't do anything radical with my hair today. It has become it's own symbolism. I need all the strength I have to get through this, and it's growing daily.

OP posts:
Smokinmirrors · 14/06/2014 01:31

Beautifully, beautifully written op. I would so like to know you in RL. You sound astonishing. Keep going. Keep writing. He will get his come-uppance. You will thrive eventually. He will not.

NatashaBee · 14/06/2014 01:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nespressofan · 14/06/2014 02:02

Another great post. Strength to you, your hair and plenty of volume in it. You are a breath of fresh air.