Dear STBXH

[WellWhoKnew]

Thank you for trying to save me costs of divorce by selecting a solicitor for me and by covering their costs, you are doing me a favour, I know.

Thank you for being fair by offering to take only 40% of the assets in my name to enable a quick resolution to the end of the marriage, which is what you want.

Of course, I realise that the assets in your name aren't mine because you are the man. Sorry you are THE MAN. I do keep getting things wrong, so I perfectly understand that you want a divorce.

All the same, thank you for offering me a speedy divorce by asking me to agree that we have been separated for two years so that I can move on with my life. Okay, we both know it's less than two weeks in actualment since you walked. I remain in shock but I'm so grateful that you have my best interests at heart during this difficult time.

So, Soon To Be Ex-Husband, thank you.

Because you are a twat and I'm so much better off without you.

Dear OP

Supporting you from the sidelines, keep going. You're doing wonderfully (even though I suspect you feel you aren't)

Duck

Dear STBXH,

I am only writing to clarify a few things that you are failing to comprehend I suspect from your email to me this morning, having got my solicitor's letter yesterday.

1. We ARE communicating. It's just that my solicitor is doing the emailing and you don't like what you are reading.

2. When you say 'I guess you are after MY pension', how certain are you? I mean are you absolutely certain I am? Also when you say 'MY' don't you mean 'OURS', after all we made the decision together to do that large investment each month rather than spend it elsewhere. And there were times, when it was needed elsewhere.

Also, hon, don't forget the other two pensions. And mine. We were relying on those to carry us through to old age. I still am, in fact.

3. I am not writing back directly. Just delegate your wants and needs to a solicitor, and get them to take the stress out of the situation. I realise I am a bitch of the highest order for co-operating with the divorce that you instigated.

4. You have asked for 80% of the assets in my name and 100% of the commodities. You are now writing to say you'll negotiate this. You do recall that one of the things that attracted you to me was my intelligence. You may have battered my self-esteem, but the brain remains firmly intact.

5. I know that I said I wouldn't call you anymore names, but you are a controlling bully. As such, I define your behaviour as a further attempt to bully me. The secret to being unbullyable, is to have self-esteem. To assure yourself, that you are not a bad person, that you have positive points which other people find attractive and admirable. You wrecked my self-esteem by isolating me, by saying nasty things to me, by implying that I was useless. Now, I've got a solicitor, and making friends and I am losing weight, and I'm going out and doing things, my self-esteem is starting to re-grow. I cannot and will not let you bully me anymore. This is another upside about you divorcing me is that I'm learning a lot about myself. I can achieve all sorts of things. I have to.

6. Your leaving me has been devastating. It has reduced me to a pitiful wreck at times. It has humiliated me and it has taken away everything I believed I had. The only options a person has when in a lot of trouble, is fight or flight. Given I haven't grown a set of wings, I have no other option.

My emerging self-respect compels me to walk away from this with a much dignity as I can muster. My strong sense of fairness means I cannot allow you to get away with your dirty tricks. I wouldn't accept anyone else being treated like this, so I am not going to accept it for myself.

We are going to court because of your actions. Not mine.

The clock is ticking.

Wife.

well, your #5 should be read again and again by every woman (or man) who is in your position. It's what they need to know in a nutshell. And as far as #6, don't be so sure you don't have wings. I think a lot of people here think you do. Your words have given courage and heart to many and that's what an 'angel' does.

The clock is indeed ticking and when it strikes 12, his 'glass coach' will turn into a pumpkin and you, Cinderella, will be the one living in 'the palace.

Well.

Your letters to STBXH. They are so resonant, so powerful and so poignant. They are universal and yet so personal. I think you are magnificent. I've found it hard to find the words to express the impact of your words on me so I've had a or two. But here they are:

Fuck me, this thread should be a MUST READ for all those who will, sadly. follow you. (for that reason I am going to ask for it to be moved to classics)

I can't think of a single other thing I could say except believe that you really are magnificent.

Dear WellWhoKnew,

Keep on keeping on. You are not alone; there are lots of people here who understand. I admire your ability to communicate so clearly the disbelief and hurt and the resilience needed to deal with it.

" I'm going out and doing things, my self-esteem is starting to re-grow. I cannot and will not let you bully me anymore. This is another upside about you divorcing me is that I'm learning a lot about myself. I can achieve all sorts of things. I have to. "

I want to C&P this to my STBXH (cant happen fast enough, but my SHL feels that slow and steady wins the race).

Dear Redoubtable,

I too am incommunicado with my twat of a husband. It is the best approach, but believe me, I have daily arguments with TwatHusband. I proper scream and shout at him (and that is behaviour I do not tolerate in myself when dealing with people). I mean, I am really nasty and underhand, and plain fucking vicious on occasion.

Shame he left, really.

My SHL is going for fast and uncompromising. But was always clear - every divorce is unique, let us do our job.

I loves her a little bit.

But, you follow your SHL's advice because trust me, they are the people best capable of sorting out your future. Right now, you need a life manager, and right now a SHL is the best employee you can have.

They know every cunt of a man (odd phrase that one!) and how best to manage it. You only know one cunt of a man, and are on the back foot in responding to it.

I haven't worked for a few years in the formal sense (I was project managing the build of our dream house). So I have been sacked as a wife and as a employee!.

I've been advised not to get employment until the financials are sorted out. Ergo, I am fucking bored! Writing angry letters is the most productive part of my day. Doing the vacuuming, is the second most.

I used to be an intelligent, hard-working, ambitious, gung-ho, do things differently kind of woman.

In fact six and a half weeks ago, I was! Divorce turns everything on its head.

Although my NSTBXH remains a twat. That is consistent.

So you keep on, keeping on too. In the interim, we can keep each other company.

Best wishes,

And you tread softly, and silently, don't jeopardise your future.

I used to be an intelligent, hard-working, ambitious, gung-ho, do things differently kind of woman.

You still are!!! It's just that right now you are in a 'holding pattern' at your SHL's request. You aren't 'go-getting' because you aren't able to, you aren't 'go-getting' because you have been advised not to. Soon as the dust settles, I fully expect you to shout "eat my dust, sucka!" to NSTBXH as you roar happily off into the sunset. Or the sunrise, as it will be a brand new day for you.

I really like the 'holding pattern' analogy.

Thank you.

Where angels fear to tread...

Fools rush in.

Thank you. Patience really is a virtue. I will forgive my own prevaricating.

Mind you, prevaricating, comes from the latin of 'spread your legs'.

If only...

Dear WWK

By communication, I meant that I admire your writing skill that gets across the illogicality of a STBXH's stance.

I have to smile....I know only my variety of c*ntish STBXH.

However, c*ntish ex's seem to be a weed that has very strong identifying features - this allows the investigator to recognise one wherever it emerges.

The ExW is a shouting, screaming, irrational, argumentative fishwife- tick

The ExW is lazy and entitled (while bringing up the children alone) - tick

The ExW has brought the situation on her own head and reaps what she sowed - tick

The ExW was a previously self-motivated, adventurous and dynamic woman who was waiting to meet a STBXH who could be her "meal ticket" - tick

The ExW has no right to be angry- tick

I loves your SHL a little bit also...I'm on my second, as my first was anxious that I understand that STBXH was "under a lot of pressure".
I, of course, have an easy ride (or have prevaricated !)

Dear STBXH,

Something utterly amazing happened yesterday, and I am almost excited today by it.

I wouldn't call it anything as magnificent as an epiphany, nor would I call it acceptance either, but the happy medium, I suppose, is to call it progress.

You'll be disappointed to know that all that happened is I passed my first twenty-four hours without crying. Those heart-bursting, lung suffocating sobs that emerge without warning like some physical affliction didn't wreck my body yesterday.

It's like I popped a pill and all my problems have been solved. How are your pills working for you out of interest? You know those pills you bought online, allegedly for my benefit (you know divorce point no. 6), which you didn't appreciate and are now defining me as unreasonable for. Them.

I also have learnt that those kind of pills are renowned for making depression worse, for inducing agressive behaviour, and all sorts of other things. You know Dr. Google, he doesn't just prescribe. He can also diagnose and supply information regarding the risks of different medicines. Perhaps another visit is in order. I tried to talk to you about it but you didn't accept my advice. Largely, I suspect because I am always in the wrong and always to blame.

But I rounded off my evening by reading a couple of books about Mid-Life Crises. Boy did I crash land when I discovered my lovely, fabulous, inspiring husband is just an ordinary boring stereotype these days. One book was a little like our marriage - started well but tailed off towards the end. But the other one was really good looking at the physiological changes in men as they age, as well as the psychological one. It really is an acceptance issue that you too are suffering from:

You growing old. Things aren't working as well. It's scary. It's happening to me too.

Difference is I am coping with it. I can't teach you how to cope. I also can't compete with bright young things, like fast cars, or something. I can't suggest you are doing the other obvious indicator as you're so upset about the last time I did (divorce point number 4). You are just another boring stereotype of a single man hitting the town, partying hard, and risking his job and future in the quest for defy his age. Still, if you 'find youself' it'll be worth it right?

Anyway, Dr. Wife here has a better insight on what's happening to her, and what she must do to get herself through the next few months. Top of her list is to secure her future.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Dr. Wife.

Excellent! You've taken a huge step towards that brand new day. You are going to be happier than you knew. And he is going to see that it is his absence, not his presence, that is giving you that happiness.

If you've never read it, read Maya Angelou's poem 'I Rise'. Although it's written about Civil Rights, I think it also speaks to people who are rising above anyone who has stomped on them.

Dear STBXH,

I confess I said out loud 'tick tock, tick tock' after my solicitor sent her first email. We timed it well.

Within an hour you sent your first 'you cannot be serious' email directly back to me. And then twatted me with quite a bit of garbage.

Later you considered your position and sent a very arrogant email to her.

She called you names.

Gosh!

And then she wrote back to you.

And you dictated back at her.

And then she wrote to you.

And then you heightened your terms and conditions. Made your refusals and told the both of us to fuck off.

She wrote to you again.

I began tick-tocking away.

Now you have ordered me directly to disband with my solicitor.

Tick, tock, Tick, tock.

You emphasized your point by writing 'or else'.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

I bet I'll be learning the name of your chosen solicitor within the next few days.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

Time is running out.

Court papers are served on Friday.

Tick, tock, tick, tock.

I was never a mean bitch. But, hey, you wanna define me as such, then it is my wifely duty to not disappoint.

Yours,

Wife, controlled by a solicitor.

He ordered you to fire your solicitor, because your solicitor is advocating for a fair split of the assets.

Ha! Hahahahahaha. Good luck with that, guy.

I'm picturing this guy literally foaming at the mouth when he's typing these emails. Don't know what he looks like, so I add (for my own amusement) maddened eyes, a comb-over, a string vest, no shoulders and a paunch. Oh, and lots of mouth-foaming.

Well you are a beacon of humour and light in what is a very dark place.

Stay strong. We are right behind you.

Keep going op, you are an inspiration!!!!!!!

I too have visions of your stbxh frothing and foaming at the mouth, steam coming out of his ears in cartoon style.

Wants you to sack your solicitor...pahahahaha!!!!! That's hilarious!

Keep strong.

Well you are so funny. I bet it isn't quite so hilarious from where you're sitting though...

Marina - yep. All these women telling what he should do. Not on, is it?

I've just caught up and I have to say, if I ever have to go through what you're going through, I hope I handle it just like you.

You are an inspiration! Keep your chin up. You're doing great.

I'm glad you made it through 24 hours without tears.
They will come back again though.
But... the next gap will be longer and the tears won't last as long the time after... etc.. etc...
My divorce papers have just been sent. It's been 5 years since we split.
Hopefully he will 'play ball' and all should be quite straight forward.
It must be quite exasperating having to deal your c*nt of a husband.
He really is a piece of work.
So pleased you got the SHL sorting it out.
Keep writing. Although a horrible situation, your wording and writing is rather inspiring.
for you.

Keep searching, you'll find the full, real you soon enough and it's extremely liberating.

wellwhoknew

Every time I read your posts I do a whoop whoop for you. I sincerely hope that your solicitor digs deep and fries your husband alive.

He didn't like what your SHL said to him so he's insisting you ditch her?

Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Deluded twat.

Ditch your solicitor or else? Or else what? Or else he will have to pay what is legally ordered by a judge and will not get to walk away with practically everything as he is insisting he should? Or else you will not roll over and let him to do exactly as he pleases?

What a tool :o

Dear STBXH,

I'm realising a lot of things lately, after all, all I have to fill my days is my empty head. Reading helps.

You and I have made a terrible mistake. We really have. We need to go back and have a little rethink.

I need to consider the 'or else', quite seriously now, I realise that.

Initially, given your initial behaviour where you have gone from offering me 60% of the assets in my name and commodities, to 20% of the assets only, with 0% claim on yours. This has been reduced each time I have 'instructed' my solicitor to write to you. I took the 'or else' to mean ultimately, you would claim the lot and I would get nothing. After all, you say you are being fair and reasonable.

Apparently.

And you are divorcing me for my unreasonable behaviour, so we are all agreed that it is all my fault. So you, of course, are the victim and the one with the rights.

Right?

So I'm wondering about how you intend to go about ensuring the 'or else?' if I don't comply, or my solicitor keeps on manipulating me into doing these bad things.

I've just read Lundy Bancroft's book so I'll blame him for putting ideas in my pretty little head. But I'm finding your 'or else' quite sinister now. Maybe not something to joke about, which is why this email has a markedly different tone to it. I'm starting to reconsider my way of thinking. And there was me arrogantly thinking I was reasonably intelligent but, er, yes we all can have some odd ideas about life. We can all make mistakes and we can all rethink things from time to time. Especially when we are given the time and space to think things through.

It's difficult to know what to think, isn't it? When you're a woman who needs everything to be decided for her by one man, who defines himself as fair and generous, and denies me my rights, my feelings, my sense of sense.

If you believe you are right and that I need you to make these decisions for me. Ask yourself, would you allow a stranger on the street to make the most important decisions of your life, whilst accepting none of the responsibilities or the consequences?

You are a stranger to me, although I know what you look like. Sadly , not quite as bad as some would want you to look, but definitely not all that anymore. Frothing and foaming at the mouth, was spot on though. I remember that mouth well.

However, that unknown stranger on the street hasn't wronged me. He hasn't stolen anything from me. He hasn't lied to me. He hasn't hurt me. Just because I don't know what he looks like, doesn't make him anymore trustworthy than you.

The only person who is allowed to make decisions regarding my life right now are me and a judge.

So you, Lundy, and anyone else who wants to muck with my head need to learn to leave it alone. It's mine and I'm hanging onto it for now. I'm quite attached to it.

Your wife,

And her pretty little head.

Oh WWK, do you think he is going to get nasty now? Nastier, I mean? What else can he do?

And when will it go to court?

I think it could get nastier, I mean the potential is there in any situation for things to escalate. It won't be long before it goes to court, but dates I'm still waiting on. My SHL is on the case already though, so that's good.