Not bad, arthritic. I didn't really know what to expect so I think I'll record it here for posterity...
The story of my little trip to the Sex Diseases Place is something I never thought I'd have on a bucket list, let alone write about, but hey ho.
For some reason it isn't sign-posted in the hospital it's just called a 'local' name, something like the "Tower Bridge Clinic", say. And it was a small detail they forgot to tell me when I made the appointment. So each and every time I got lost I had to ask "Excuse me, I need to go to the clinic where one declares one has had dodgy sex'.
Four times to be precise.
No one bloody even said 'yes, it's discretely named "Victoria and David Clinic" so that we don't all think you're a sex worker who has had an occupational hazard.
Could it get any more humiliating?
Yes!
For some reason I expected it to be a women's clinic. Nope, aside from the nurses, I was the only woman there. I felt really odd sitting in a room with tons of good-looking men but whom you know have got 'dodgy dicks' in their trousers.
Then, of course, came the paperwork. Lots and Lots of paperwork about my awareness of sex diseases, if I had any symptoms (nope), my sexual orientation (sadly not lesbian but considering it), whether I had oral, anal or virginal sex and with whom.
Since I did not know I was having dodgy sex and there wasn't a 'Has your twat of a VSTBXH been having dodgy sex' box to tick. So I discretely added my 'own' option and ticked it.
So I sat there like a muppet amongst men who have had dodgy sex reading the extensive information on all the different tests I would be undergoing.
Where are all the women these men have been with?
Then I went to see a doctor, not bothered by him being a man so much but in my dim brain, I'd have thought I'd have the choice. Thankfully there was a woman nurse there with me.
What I did not expect was the endless questions that he asked. Some of which did make me smile:
When was the last time you had sex? Just before he left me.
Did you use protection? Nope.
Do you want to take some condoms away with you today? Nope. I never want to have sex again after coming here...
How long ago did you last have sex with someone other than your husband? In the last century.
Do you consider yourself knowledgeable about 'safe sex'? Think I am now I've just read your leaftlet. Will keep it on the bedside table should I ever decide to risk having sex again.
And with that he ordered a battery of tests. Gave me a lovely smile - I think no one was under any illusions that I was some 'silly little girl' who made a mistake.
I was treated like I am a mature woman who married a mistake.
And then the nurse took me off to explain the swab, at which point I burst into tears. I thought it would be like a smear, but it's DIY thankfully, so I didn't have to flash my fanjo at the world (I'm a little precious about it right now!).
The nurse was utterly fabulous and let me have a good old cry. So I feel a bit silly now! Then I went to see a Blood's nurse, who'd obviously been forewarned. She just said 'My husband was a cheat, and we split 8 years ago'. It does get better. To be honest, it was the least painful injection I have ever had - so I'm now wondering what I did to upset all the other nurses I've ever seen....
Honestly, they couldn't have been any nicer or more compassionate.
And then I had to find my way out of the hospital, and remember where I'd parked my car, after which I went shopping and bought some 
.
I will get the results after I have seen the dodgy dick that I am currently stuck in a marriage to. Thankfully Nisi is being read this week. I take a lot of comfort in that.