Dear STBXH,
I am writing to you today to dish out a little admonishite, because, well, just well because I can, and I'm somewhat bemused by your antics this week, as well as that of your 'employees' namely 'shs' and friends, more of whom in a minute.
As, I fear there may be others 
party to my correspondence to you, and perhaps have never had the joy of getting divorced before, unlike you, I shall endeavor to explain the process of getting divorced in layman's terms so they can keep up.
You may give a copy of this to your solicitor, because I fear, for reasons I am about to explain, she may also gain assistance from my learned experience.
When you decide you want a divorce: that is the opportunity to fuck off without notice from a marriage, you still need to follow the divorce procedure in order to make your decision legally-binding. This is not a complicated procedure per se.
Firstly, you fill in the correct paperwork, giving the correct reasons for wanting a divorce. It is very rare that someone does this twice because they got it wrong first time.
After that, you agree, not decree, with your STBX how to separate the finances and make arrangements for any children of the marriage, if necessary. Thankfully, as you know, making arrangements for the children is not necessary but this is not because you have a wonky willy, I know this now, but I'm guessing you still need assurances on this matter.
If you have any problems with this part of the procedure, it is advised that you seek sensible legal advice.
Sensible legal advice can be A Family Law Solicitor specialising in Divorce Law, aka a SHL. I always recommend a person shops around a little to find someone who 'gets' you and your situation before making a firm decision because you really want someone to rely on in the coming months. After all, they have been tasked with the most difficult job 'protecting your rights' whilst at the same time 'abusing the rights' of the other party.
Alternative legal advice can also be sought from Bar Room Barristers; Dr. Google LLB; others having had experience of divorce (like yourself); and children's law specialists - otherwise known colloquially as 'shs's.
'shs's may be very nice women, or in fact men. No one really cares about this. Yours, according to my SHL, is apparently is a very nice woman, albeit just a little clueless on Divorce Procedural Matters.
So the next part of the process is dealing with what's called Arseholeance Relief Matters. They are are all separate legal actions that can only be taken once a divorce petition has been correctly submitted. Note: correctly submitted. For example, I couldn't apply for the bizarrely named: Spousal Maintenance Pending Suit, when I was 'allegedly still happily married'. It should really be called Divorce Pending - left her in the Shit Suit.
So in theory, and this, I agree is a bit confusing: You can be a petitioner, and your STBX is the respondent in the divorce, but you can also end up being a respondent, and your wife be the applicant (and vice versa). However: it will depend whether you are taking them to the courthouse, or they you on the Arseholeance Relief Matters.
It is, therefore, very important that you don't confuse this when you make financial offers starting: The petitioner gets and then claim nigh on 90% of the marital asset's in the respondent's name, offering none in your own name. This is because you are the petitioner, not me. Remember that stunt? The outcomes is that it tends to cause utmost upset and high blood pressure for the opposing party, and results in sending them orbital into a parallel universe and thereafter run to the courthouse with a SHL and a SHB, asking for a Timetabled Divorce.
A Timetabled Divorce is just that. A Timetable of events to bring to an end the Arseholiance Relief Matters. They are there to be obeyed, and the procedures followed.
Irrespective of how you decide to proceed, if you are employing solicitors, you will most certainly be required to complete Form E. This is not E for Exaggerate your medical illnesses and Empty the bank accounts to make yourself look more destitute than you are. It is just the letter given to the form, which is part of the process. It outlines, your current financial situation, and your needs going forward, and any special contributions that you think should be taken into account when splitting the assets.
Form E is then exchanged once, and once only: and a copy lodged with the courthouse. Ideally, they should all be the same. Ideally they should be signed. This is not difficult to achieve. But all the same, it was very kind of your 'shs' to hand-deliver a fourth, Form E yesterday. This one is, in fact, signed. Progress, me thinks.
This signifies the next stage of the process, what questions to ask the opponent, because things don't always add up. For example...
You are claiming back the cost of my degree as it's a marital asset that needs to be shared, and it forms part of the 'special' contribution you made to the marriage. You have decided you need a masters degree in my former profession (management) even though you have no experience of my former profession: and in fact are still doing the same job as when I met you. You haven't even had a promotion in fifteen years and remain with your feet firmly on the shop floor. But whatever, I'm just making an observation and not castigating you or anyone who decides that managerial responsibility is not for them. I just wonder why now, given you are going to drop down dead at any moment in time, you suddenly want more stress in your life not less - as I think whatever anyone thinks about managers, they are aware it's not all jollies and golf-clubs. But I'm getting carried away here.
Back to the legal procedure. So having exchanged just one Form E (hopefully), you along with your chosen legal representative, then compile a "Questionnaire".
This is not, as you'd think, a form with such trivial matters like: How much do you like your STBX on a scale of 1-10, but in fact a list of queries about the information within the Exchanged Form E.
For example: What evidence can you supply that your Masters Degree is a real thing and not just a 'good' idea to claim more of the assets?
It is always best, when you think about the questions you want to ask, to not ask stupid ones you already know the answer to, like for example: You have listed all the transactions in my bank account to various contractors, whom not only have you actually met, and personally selected to do the work, but also you also personally set up and made the payments to them via my bank account. Having to now deal with your accusation that I'm using some people to hide money for me and from you. It just, really, makes you look like a loon to Mr. Judge.
At this point, you should go to something called MIAMs. A series of meetings, led by a mediator, to allegedly dissuade the now exasperated STBX from Murdering the Irritating Aggavating Muppet who is giving her high blood pressure. It is an alternative to legal action, and considerably cheaper because one's solicitors are absent from the process. This, you seemed to think was an excellent idea. Me less so.
To avoid pre-mediated murder, which quite frankly, isn't going to be a great career move for me, it is generally a good idea to go to a good mediator, or ask a judge to opt you out of the process. I am learning to believe judges are very sensible people. You remain alive thanks to the actions of Mr. Judge.
So we look again to a courthouse. The Questionnaire is then submitted to Mr Judge by post. I am not being sexist here, but I've only ever met two judges, and they've both been of the male variety. Mr Judge then orders you and us to come to his chambers to 'explain ourselves'. This meeting is called an FDA.
An FDA, or Fuckwits Demonstrate Arsholeance meeting, is really just to check that all is in order, and to give a little admonishment, if he deems it necessary. It is, according to the rules of divorce, when he decides which of your questions are relevant and reasonable to ask of the other person.
But thank you for your emailed answers to our Questionnaire yesterday.
Our FDA isn't until the end of the week. We will not be supplying my answers until a judge has agreed it is appropriate to do. I am not being difficult here, but I just don't want to piss the judge off by undermining his authority. I have noticed they are grumpy sods. But I've only met two so what do I know?
The other advantage of not 'giving' away the answers to the Questionnaire, is that it can greatly piss off your opponent. For example, if you are claiming you have a Heart Condition, FROM WHICH YOU ARE GOING TO DROP DOWN DEAD AT ANY MOMENT IN TIME, and then say that this is caused by your 'blood pressure' ishoos, and that you have given up sport because you have 'Groin Injuries sustained in.....May, then Mr Facebook comes and joins the divorce proceedings. Mr Facebook may well be as reliable as Dr. Google LLB. But all the same, Mr Facebook suddenly makes you seem a little less than truthful in your account of things...
It is not the frame of mind you want your STBXW in when you're about to enter into a delicate stage of the proceedings, and she is having to sit in a room with you in a few days time. You remember pre-mediated murder? I'm not going to do it but I am thinking about the defence of 'an act of passion' and whether to yet more legal advice....
The other consequence is suddenly I have a heart condition, and my blood pressure is now, according to Dr. Google, and my doctor friend, in the 'melodramatic' figures. Yours: not so much.
Now, if you are largely already in agreement at this point of your divorce, you can write to the judge, by way of completing a Form G, and ask him to convert the FDA to FDR hearing, which is another kind of meeting, more formally called: Fuckwits Demonstrate Reasonableness hearing.
My SHL has done the Form G so I'm pretty sure we've got this bit correct. It wasn't difficult, just involved ticking a box saying 'I want our first meeting to be an 'FDA' and not ticking the box to say I wanted it converted into an FDR'. Given I am the applicant in the Arseholean Relief Matters, it is my job to do this. But thank you for your form G. It appears we can agree on very little.
So here I am at the week of FDA, and not FDR, and I am reliably informed that you are bringing with you your specialist solicitor in children's matters, and a barrister - for a twenty-minute meeting with a judge, which is just a 'directions' hearing to make sure we are all behaving ourselves, before we start making offers and counter-offers, which is what we need to be doing to get this divorce over with.
So, a little tip for you: please find out what specialty your Barrister has. Because at the moment, for someone who wanted a cheap, efficient divorce by way of 'quickiedivorce.com', you've now doubled the price of my FDA, as I too now have to bring back the lovely SHB just in case you decide to start fucking negotiating on the day - and the lovely SHB is my ultimate case manager on the likely outcome of this divorce. Should your arseholeance continue all the way passed FDR and into "FH", or the 'Fucking Hell' stage of a protracted divorce, I want to know we've done absolutely everything we can to avoid it.
Alternatively, it may be that 'shs' may be relying on using a Barrister because she is inexperienced and unaccustomed to managing an FDA and speaking to judges - because, if that's why you are bringing a Barrister and a Solicitor to a twenty minute meeting, I shall despair.
However, at the moment we don't even know who your barrister is, nor what you the hell you are intending in court this week.
In the interim, I am looking at the bottle of gin.
Please, please, please get some brains. Somewhere, find some, please. I'm begging you now.
Wife with brains (no longer yours).