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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out he was a MM - Please help

173 replies

keepaway · 05/05/2014 04:02

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, found out a few days ago he was still actually very much married, I cut all contact and haven't returned the numerous calls and texts. Can't talk to anyone in real life about it, feel stupid enough as it is, I was in his home, in his bed, the one he shares with his wife, there were no signs, I feel like an idiot. Finding it really hard not to reply, to ask questions but I know that NC is the best way to show how angry I am and how I won't be part of something like that. Its just really hard, I miss him I just need to stay away.

Please help me stay strong, I never want to see this man again but I know he will try to see me, his voicemails say as much. Sorry I know its short just wanted to keep my fingers busy writing on here rather than text the SOAB!

OP posts:
Auriga · 05/05/2014 04:12

Hi keepaway, don't know your story, had you been with him long?

AdoraBell · 05/05/2014 04:23

You don't need a man who would take his GF to his marital home while still being very much married.

That is without dealing with the fact he led you to believe that was single.

If you aren't using the phone to post on here then switch it off, remove temptation.

BuzzardBird · 05/05/2014 04:28

Does he have dcs?

magoria · 05/05/2014 09:14

Send him one message.

'You are married if I had known I would never have dated you. Do not contact me again our relationship is over. If you do I will consider it harassment and report you to the police and tell your wife what a dirty scum bag you are.'

Then block him from communicating you in any way.

Consider changing your number maybe?

WildBill · 05/05/2014 09:25

I'm sorry - this is horrible to be on the receiving end of. The cheating is one thing but him taking you to the marital bed shows real contempt for his wife.
Keep reminding yourself he's not the person you thought he was. Tell him not to contact you anymore.
Best wishes x

Joysmum · 05/05/2014 11:04

It would be obvious to him that both you and his wife expect and deserve fidelity. The fact that he puts his own wants before the needs of either if you shows he cares for himself more than either of you.

qazxc · 05/05/2014 11:17

OP you are doing the right thing, keep strong, it gets easier. You deserve so much better than him.
Do not feel stupid, it's not your fault he deceived you.

Original poster
keepaway · 05/05/2014 16:50

Thank you all for your replies, yes he has DC, he co-parents with his wife or as I thought Ex wife, told me they divorced years ago. Haven't met his children and I believed it was too soon (we've been seeing each other 8 months) thinking about it now, I initially believed that was my decision but looking back I see things so differently.

He is in touch via email constantly as he is getting no response from texts. How can a MM lead such a double life? so angry, hurt and feel like a complete shit knowing I was in his marital bed.

OP posts:
MuttonCadet · 05/05/2014 16:52

Tell him if he contacts you again you'll send a message to his wife. That should stop it.

Rebecca2014 · 05/05/2014 16:55

Wow 8 months, what an pig. Now it is out in the open he is still trying to get you to be his mistress! If that was me I would tell his wife what has been going on, if you are in the dark I am sure she has been too.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 16:57

Please Grin tell me he's contacting you from a work email address?

Original poster
keepaway · 05/05/2014 16:58

He knows I wouldn't do that Mutton, I have been reading some of the threads on here in an attempt to keep occupied but things just spin round and round in my head. Things he said, places we've been, the way he has acted, so sincere, came across as so trustworthy, so caring, loving, declared love, trips away, all whilst married.

He holds quite a senior position in a job where you would think he had a lot to lose by getting found out yet he acted like a single man with no worries.

OP posts:
Original poster
keepaway · 05/05/2014 17:00

Yes Cozie a work email address.

OP posts:
Original poster
keepaway · 05/05/2014 17:02

Yes Rebecca telling me he loves me, never thought he would feel this way, hasn't felt this way about anyone, didn't know what true love was, the last 8 months have been eye opening and he was scared of losing me, the usual script I imagine. Just feel sickened by it all.

OP posts:
MuttonCadet · 05/05/2014 17:03

He's not the man you thought he was. Threaten to tell his wife, I can guarantee that he'll assume you will, he'll judge you my his own poor morals.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 17:04

Ha. Never known a reasonably large sized employer (ie more than a man, a boy and a dog) for which that wouldn't be a sacking offence. Just email him back and say that if you get one more contact from him, by any means, you'll report him to his HR department for harrassment via company email. (And you could always throw in some 'gross moral turpitude' if you felt so inclined.)

Then if he does ever attempt to contact you again, just do it.

Grin
prawnypoos · 05/05/2014 17:04

This happened to me. I never found out until he texted me to tell me that he had a partner and they had just found out that she was pregnant. I changed my number after I texted him back to tell him how much he disgusted me, anyway one positive pregnancy test and a miscarriage at 16 weeks later and I have survived!! He found out about the miscarriage and sent me a letter stating how sorry he was for putting me through that ordeal.

Original poster
keepaway · 05/05/2014 17:06

I know Mutton, that's what I keep telling myself, he's not who I thought he was, the things he said meant nothing now I realise he was going home and probably acting all normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
keepaway · 05/05/2014 17:08

Prawnypoos oh my god, that's horrible and disgusting of him, what made him own up? I found out by accident.

OP posts:
PiratePanda · 05/05/2014 17:09

Please don't threaten his job; it's tawdry, vicious and pointless because I've never known an institution of any size that would sack a man for having an extramarital affair that was not affecting his work.

But do threaten him with the police for harrassment if he doesn't stop contacting you.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 17:11

It's much the same thing, Pirate. If a report eventually is made to the police and they pick it up, the company will find out about it. The man is a pig.

MuttonCadet · 05/05/2014 17:12

I've never known a company sack someone for an affair, even when it was two employees conducting it on company time.

Don't bother with his job, it's his family he'll be worried about.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 17:13

It's not the having of the affair - it's the use of company email to conduct it that's the critical thing.

edamsavestheday · 05/05/2014 17:17

Mutton - I think the point is he's using company email to harass the OP.

Keepaway, can you change your settings so all his emails go to a junk mail folder?

Feel for you, v nasty to discover he's such a shit but at least you've found out now and can put a stop to it.

MuttonCadet · 05/05/2014 17:19

As long as he isn't sending messages all day the company will not care.

They would if they were trying to get rid of him, but if he's a valued employee then he'll get a warning at most.

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