Found out he was a MM - Please help

[keepaway]

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, found out a few days ago he was still actually very much married, I cut all contact and haven't returned the numerous calls and texts. Can't talk to anyone in real life about it, feel stupid enough as it is, I was in his home, in his bed, the one he shares with his wife, there were no signs, I feel like an idiot. Finding it really hard not to reply, to ask questions but I know that NC is the best way to show how angry I am and how I won't be part of something like that. Its just really hard, I miss him I just need to stay away.

Please help me stay strong, I never want to see this man again but I know he will try to see me, his voicemails say as much. Sorry I know its short just wanted to keep my fingers busy writing on here rather than text the SOAB!

I'm sorry to hear you've been had by a cad.
You sound really nice- immediately dropping him because he is married. How many 'other women' do that?
If I was his wife I would much rather know.
My cousin's husband was cheating, we never told her. She said she would have left him sooner if we had shown her proof.

Good work op. Keep it up.

Tempted to listen to his snivelling excuse? Remember, please. He is a very, very, accomplished liar. Expert. And the thrill of being the expert. He does, on some sick sick level get a thrill, otherwise his morality would have kicked in at some point in that 8 months and he'd have fessed up to one of you. 8 months. 240 odd nights ( some with you, some with her) he's gone to bed and drifted to sleep without any drive to cease his adulterous behaviour to his wife and his deceitful behaviour to you.

He will be lying to you about why, poor poor him, excuse and vindication, you know the script. He won't be sleeping with her, its a sham, she's a bitch, yadda yadda yadda. All the time wondering if he can 'fool' again, will he get away with it, get you back into the game. That's all you are, he doesn't actually care about anyone's feelings but his own.

This is, in my opinion, a very different scenario to that of knowing mistress and wife. He's doing this to you both, he's puffing his nasty ego and enjoying every smug minute of his achievement.

NC. Keep going. Get angrier, and do not look back.....

Talisa, thanks for saying that, I'm not sure I would be dignified if left alone in a room with him! to be honest I am devastated inside, not just for his lies but I thought I was actually in a loving relationship. NC as hard as it is, is the best option for me as I know there is no excuse, I am surrounded by great role models in men, father, brother and best friends so would never put up with the scraps of this type of relationship.

Sadwidow, thanks, sorry to hear about your friend and the amount of money she spent trying to discover the truth.

Holly, (it is a lovely name!) you are so very kind! I have always been of the mind frame that karma and patience will bite the a**holes at somepoint, where as if I lose the plot even if I have a right to I will always look back and wished I had handled it differently, plus knowing the man he is NC will drive him crazy more so than getting angry in front of him!

Alabaster, everything you say is probably spot on, is would seem that he has actually started to believe his lies, in one of his emails he said something along the lines of not throwing the past 8 amazing months away, that we could at least try to be friends, that I am his best friend his soulmate and someone he could confide in, and this is where I think he is deluded in that he doesn't actually see what he's been doing and why it's so very wrong.

He never bad mouthed his (ex)wife and always said they had an amicable relationship which I thought was great, it took him a while to convince me to go for dinner and we slowly developed into a relationship as he knew I was apprehensive about a relationship with a father of three and all it would entail, his youngest is 12 so as they were a bit older and I thought in time would warm to another woman in their dads life I decided to go with it. argh the Wanker!

Do you know, keep, (musing here), maybe your very stability, sensitivity and great relations with the men in your life was what made you a particular challenge for him - and is part of what's making him so furious now at losing the game. (He's been relegated out of your club when previously he thought he'd made the Premier League.)

It's late and I'm expressing that badly but it would be awful if those great things were affected.

Cozie, I never thought of it like that, as much as he has messed with my life and my head I wouldn't let him screw up my view of most decent men that I am sure are out there!

It does hurt and right now I am missing him I won't lie, but only the man I knew last week not the man I have now come to find about.

We had so much planned, events to go to, weekends away, I was even meant to go see him in action in a courtroom, wonder if I should still go and throw tomato's instead!

I think you've handled this incredibly well .

I love the bring your wife round for a chat line. He's probably afraid you will tell his wife. I think these types of people who can lead double lives like this are often narcissists. They are skilled manipulators and are incredibly deceptive. Unfortunately I was married to one , and the general rule is if they're lips are moving they are lying. It's quite possible that most of the things he told you , about himself , his life , his job , are not true , or at the least are highly exaggerated.

Narcissists love kind , empathic , good people , as they are all the things they are not. I'd consider blocking him and ensuring there is not a repeat of turning up again. Disgusting really considering you've told him to stay away and he won't respect your boundrys.

I don't think I could behave with such dignity in similar circumstances , hats off to you Op.

I fully agree with the last 2 posters and raise my glass to you. You have handled this so well OP. I know that doesn't lessen the hurt and betrayal at finding out what you now know though. You sound lovely, you have good men in your life, good friends, you will get through this and meet someone truly wonderful and deserving of you.

You're doing so well. Of course it's hard and you are going to miss him (or miss the person you thought he was). I am at the cheek of him and all his different approaches esp the "let's just be friends" line and the placing the blame at your door for "throwing the last amazing 8 months away".
Whenever you feel weak just remember how calculating and cold he was when he was making up excuses to be with you or his wife, when he was running around the house removing any trace of the wife before you called round (and then putting the stuff back before she came home/making sure there was no trace of you), ...... That should give you the rage back and keep you from contacting him.

Yes - 'the last amazing 8 months'. It's a 'ME,ME,ME' universe he lives in right enough, eh? Defies belief, almost.

keepaway
I think you rock!!! I am so in awe at your resolve and the way you've made it clear that what he has done is not in any way shape or form acceptable. You've kept your dignity and not ranted, raged or threatened.
I'm full of admiration for you and yes, you do, you rock!
Take a bow that lady!!!

It must knock your confidence when you find out something like this and you have found a great outlet for your frustrations - keep going you don't need people like that in your life.

Keep your head held high and rise above it like a phoenix xx

You're brilliant, honestly. Whereabouts are you in the country? You should organise a piss-up with some MNers

Hi all, just back in from work and caught up on your very kind messages! I have tried to push the wamkstain to the back of my mind today, remembering all of what you have said, a few texts and emails but all ignored! BBBallerina loved the line of you saying if his lips are moving then he's lying!

WildBill, that's so very kind of you to say that,I don't feel very lovely at the moment, more like pissed off crazy!

Qazkc, I know he has a damned cheek but of course being the deluded tit he is he thinks he's being so sincere, and yes the thought that he had to run around and hide pictures/signs of his wife just makes him the lowest of the low so keeping that firmly in mind!

Cozie, Yes the Me Me Me thing very telling, he has been looked up to in his career by most of those around him and he thinks everyone will probably fall at his feet, I am most certainly not one of them!

Mrs Irony, I am blushing at your message, seriously I don't deserve such praise, if only you could see the utter rage bubbling away inside and I'm sure more than a few expletives will be exchanged when I tell my friends over the weekend!

Thank you too GGrevious! this place is indeed fantastic with all you wonderful ladies offering the support you do!

Talisa, Thanks! blushing wildly! I am in Scotland so if you are ever close by going for a drink or ten would be great with you great Mnetters!

This happened to my friend - the guy involved was married and they had 2 children, the youngest of which was 8 weeks old. She ended it when she found it and he harassed her for ages, not taking no for an answer. My friend threatened to tell his wife if he didn't back off but he carried on contacting her and so my friend did indeed tell the wife. My friend never heard from the guy again.

Writer, they are total sods, As much as I believe his wife deserves to know, I can't be the one delivering the devastating news, I am gutted, I can only imagine how she would react knowing the deliberate actions he has been taking.

I can definitely see your argument but if I was her and married to a total bastard, I would definitely want to know.

A few years ago I was being cheated on and my partner had been a manipulative little shit. I found out because the OW contacted me and told me. I arranged to meet up with her and she told me exactly what had been going on. I was upset and I couldn't believe the lengths he had gone to in order to keep me in the dark.

I know it's not the same as we weren't married and no children were involved, but I'm glad she told me.

I agree with writerwannabe. How can she take control of her life if she doesn't know what's going on in it. It's not your responsibility of course and yes, it will hurt her badly, but the damage has already been done so you aren't the one who will be hurting her. Please consider it at least.

BTW my H had an affair and I wish the OW had had as much decency as you have shown

I think there's certainly much for keep to consider about the wife etc. (particularly the etc) but this weekend and telling friends about the situation is going to be a hard one for her. Once that's over, eh?

I wouldn't tell her. You will not feel better for it. Trust me.

Writer and Irianofway I totally understand where you are coming from and I am in the I would want to know camp, the difficulty however arises when I don't really know much about her, how she would take the news, would she defend her husband by not believing me and he would be able to convince her he was the saint she knew? she may well be the type of woman who would sit down, put the pieces together and realise that I was telling the truth and that by no means did I know about her or want to hurt a person I knew nothing about in any way?

It is unfair that I have been left with knowing that he's the wankstain he is and she is completely oblivious, but I, as a complete stranger to her could never be the one delivering the dreaded truth.

Of course in an ideal world he would feel guilty as hell and confess all to his wife, be straight up and honest with her through full disclosure, but knowing that he has lied so convincingly to me for 8 months I am not sure he actually even knows what the word truth means.

Cozie, thanks, will be glad to get out with friends and let it all out!

BOOP, I agree with you here, as much as I think she has a right to know I will not feel better being the one telling her.

Glad to see you are okay, op.

For what its worth, you don't know that she doesn't already know, that someone somewhere didn't see you out together and tell her, or that she hasn't seen a receipt or a statement or a text. She might be choosing to ignore, and that is her business. Lots of women do.

For me, right now, where you are...... Just nurture yourself. Forget him and his and all the rest. Do you have some busy plans for the weekend?

Telling the wife out of spite or revenge is one thing, but telling the wife because you think she really ought to know is another.

It is highly probable he will do this again, or has done it already. It beggars belief that he could keep it going for a full 8 months and take you to the marital home , removing all traces of her. There's something seriously wrong with someone who can do this, especially for such a prolonged period of time.

It must be because he gets off on it. His job demands a high level of brainpower: he got a huge high from pulling off such an elaborate lie, sailing dangerously close to the wind.

Also bear in mind that if he can treat his wife with such contempt that he'd sleep with another woman in the marital bed, he'd treat you with the same contempt should the 'need' arise. That is, his need to be the big guy who can pull off such a stunt.

Brrrrrr. Not a nice person.

You know, you have all the proof that you didn't know in the emails and texts he sent you.

If you do decided to tell her, collate everything, with a note apologising and the dates, them request that she ask him to stop contacting you.

Alabaster, Thank you, I am well and have spent morning shopping and lunch with friends and now off to a friends birthday party, I told my friends today and they were very supportive and everyone was truly shocked, hugs and annoyance that I hadn't contacted during the week to tell them, but I just needed some time to think about it all and glad I did.

I am still in no way inclined to respond to him, in fact the more he texts/calls/emails the angrier I am getting.

SpringyDaffs it really does beggar belief, I still can't think of one occasion where he slipped up or I noticed anything that would suggest he was still very much married and living with his wife, not a nice person at all, you are probably right about him enjoying the game he was playing.

Yes Aussiebean, I do have overwhelming proof that I had no idea and that of our relationship, if I ever presented it to his wife she would be able to see the tit for who he is, and I have a feeling I certainly won't be the first or last woman he has fooled, and you know what, I haven't even looked in the junk folder for his emails!

Reading your thread aghast. But bloody good on you for being so strong.

I'm sorry to say but I think his desperate attempts to manipulate 'explain' to you are not because he wants to 'keep' you but because you are no longer under his control and he is terrified that you will tell his wife.
Let him sweat.