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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out he was a MM - Please help

173 replies

keepaway · 05/05/2014 04:02

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, found out a few days ago he was still actually very much married, I cut all contact and haven't returned the numerous calls and texts. Can't talk to anyone in real life about it, feel stupid enough as it is, I was in his home, in his bed, the one he shares with his wife, there were no signs, I feel like an idiot. Finding it really hard not to reply, to ask questions but I know that NC is the best way to show how angry I am and how I won't be part of something like that. Its just really hard, I miss him I just need to stay away.

Please help me stay strong, I never want to see this man again but I know he will try to see me, his voicemails say as much. Sorry I know its short just wanted to keep my fingers busy writing on here rather than text the SOAB!

OP posts:
qazxc · 06/05/2014 19:26

Yell at him to fuck off or you will call the police.

magoria · 06/05/2014 19:29

Has he got his bags? He has left the Mrs and 'lucky' you have won the prize of this cheater.

Don't open the door. Tell him to go away through it or you will call the police.

You do need to consider taking this further as he doesn't seem to be getting the hint of no response.

qazxc · 06/05/2014 19:32

Are you ok OP? Is he still there?

cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 19:32

I'd just call the police. As soon as he sees the blues coming round the corner he'll be on his way - as a lawyer, he won't want to wait around to talk to them. Or more.

cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 19:35

You still there, keepaway ?

BitOutOfPractice · 06/05/2014 19:38

Oh heck. Hope you are ok and safe op. Don't let him in. It'll just be more lies, probably accompanied by tears and pleading I'd wager!

Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 19:48

I opened the door walked out of the house, he was saying something about please letting him explain, he's so sorry and blah blah blah, and I asked him to come back in an hour with his wife and we could all sit down and discuss it together got straight into my car, and drove off. went for a drive but heart beating a million miles an hour and shaking with anger/hurt and realised I had left the oven on so have rushed back and thankfully he has gone.

OP posts:
Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 19:52

argh so angry that he has made me feel this way.

OP posts:
pissedglitter · 06/05/2014 19:56

You handled that really well (apart from the oven)
If he comes around again just ignore, do not open the door, do not engage in conversation etc

cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 19:56

Thank Goodness you're safe. He's so angry that you're not falling for his blandishments any more that he's being intemperate. You're right to be angry.

I fear that you may now have to take action to keep him out of your life or you're not going to feel safe in your own home. (You'll likely be quite safe but you just won't feel it.)

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 20:47

Fuck,he isn't quite stable is he

Quick thinking about inviting the wife around for a chat

Call the police if he does that again

TalisaMaegyr · 06/05/2014 20:57

AnyFucker Indeed not Grin

cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 20:58

No, I'm not entirely sure he is - unless it's just the sheer fury at being ignored. These types are sometimes so arrogant that they cannot conceive that the world doesn't revolve round them.

I think wise counsel is needed for keepaway here. For my own part, I'd load for bear and that may not be called for. I've quite taken against him.

TalisaMaegyr · 06/05/2014 20:59

Good god OP, well done! That was a fabulous response, I'm glad you're angry. I've been thinking about this on my way home from work. I cannot believe that someone has the fucking brass neck to deceive both of you for all that time. Dick.

cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 21:03

keep

Do you have any friends or relatives nearby?

BerylStreep · 06/05/2014 21:19

How horrible. 8 months is a long time. I think you are dealing with it really well.

Great response about bringing his wife round to discuss.

I have to say when I read the title I thought that MM stood for Mormon, so it could have been a lot worse.

Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 22:05

Thank you everyone, I am overwhelmed by your responses and kindness, yes I was just so angry that he was annoying me at home I grabbed keys for the house/car and as calmly as I could said what I said whilst walking away, it just came out. I know he looked very sad and sorry but I am also very aware its because he got caught and is feeling sorry for himself and not for me/his wife.

I don't feel threatened by him in that way and I wouldn't call the police, I know he is trying to see me to explain and say sorry I just don't want to hear it. He actually said something via email earlier which made me laugh which was, How could I let the past 8 months go and not give him a chance to explain, allow him a chance to speak to me, that he was still the same person I was with last week!

Its taking all my will not to reply by saying, Are you on Drugs or something?

I do have friends close by, I've not told anyone yet, I don't really know why.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 22:17

......I know he is trying to see me to explain and say sorry ......

You almost sound as if you're starting to feel sorry for him.

Don't. He's trying to repair his own image of himself - so we have the Star Crossed Lover Extraordinaire and if he can get a chance to weep and throw himself at your feet, he'll feel a lot happier. And then go on to his next victim with a better spring in his step and a whole tale of woe to ensnare the poor woman.

(Because there will be another victim or several, be sure of that.)

I wasn't thinking that you should necessarily tell friends close by - more that it might be good for you to visit people who don't know about any of this horrible set of circumstances and get some different life under your belt.

Do you think you might like that?

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 22:19

When you are ready, OP, you do need to start telling people. To make it real. And to strengthen your resolve to not fall for The Flannel. He won't have finished yet.

cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 22:28

You're being magnificent about all of this by the way. I for one couldn't have handle all of this in such a dignified and together way.

Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 22:28

Hi Cozie, believe me I don't feel sorry for him, I won't feel sorry for all the things he said which were blatent lies, I am just aware why he feels the need to say sorry, he doesn't like not being liked. you are exactly right about him having to feel happier to move on.

I had my friend over for a glass of wine after he left, just in general talking about her new business which was good as took my mind off him.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 22:34

Oh that's excellent. I hope you feel better for her company.

AF was on the button by the way - at some point, it would be good for you to tell people about him, to make it all real. But only when you're ready to.

Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 22:34

I know AF, I will tell my friends over the weekend probably, I just feel sick enough thinking about it let alone talking about it in RL, They were all charmed by him, he was always very gentlemanly when we were out they all said how into me he was, thats the sickening part, it was all just a big fat lie

OP posts:
TalisaMaegyr · 06/05/2014 22:39

Oh this bloke is making me really angry.

TalisaMaegyr · 06/05/2014 22:41

Oh this bloke is making me really angry.