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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out he was a MM - Please help

173 replies

keepaway · 05/05/2014 04:02

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, found out a few days ago he was still actually very much married, I cut all contact and haven't returned the numerous calls and texts. Can't talk to anyone in real life about it, feel stupid enough as it is, I was in his home, in his bed, the one he shares with his wife, there were no signs, I feel like an idiot. Finding it really hard not to reply, to ask questions but I know that NC is the best way to show how angry I am and how I won't be part of something like that. Its just really hard, I miss him I just need to stay away.

Please help me stay strong, I never want to see this man again but I know he will try to see me, his voicemails say as much. Sorry I know its short just wanted to keep my fingers busy writing on here rather than text the SOAB!

OP posts:
jaynebxl · 06/05/2014 09:48

His poor wife. And poor you. If I was her I would want to know. Then I would want to kick him out.

wannaBe · 06/05/2014 10:53

I wouldn't tell his wife. Not because I don't think she should know, but because there is no way to do it without looking like the bitter ow. No woman is going to believe someone who tells her she slept in her bed several nights a week and was oblivious to her existence.

If they'd always gone to the op's flat then it would be plausible that the op had no idea the marriage was over, but the fact the op spent so much time in their house is in itself unusual, and I can't imagine many wives would believe that it was possible without the ow having an inkling that something wasn't as he had said.

So I would just leave well alone, block his email address and his mobile number, and never speak to him again. I wouldn't even threaten police - I would just block him - it's easy enough to do in a digital era...

Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 13:50

Wannabe this is what I think, I have no idea of what she is like and what their relationship is like, I do think she has a right to know about what a lying sack of shit her husband is and the lengths he will go to contact me and things he has said to me, but I just don't think I could ever tell her without sounding like the mad OW.

Plus they have children and just because he doesn't give a crap about them or her I just couldn't be the one telling her and making her world crash around her.

Today he has sent emails saying he wants to leave her how she means nothing to him, I feel like replying back so desperately saying 'Yes best thing you could do, free the woman from your shitty behaviour'

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 14:16

Don't reply whatever you do - he wants to start a dialogue with you in any way possible. You said yourself he was good with words so he's likely relying on that to wind you round his little finger again.

Can you block his emails or have them on auto-redirect to another folder that you don't see ?

cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 14:24

PS - you might find this strange but there are plenty of times in my experience where - if you can get through this really horrible phase - you'll actually find yourself getting stronger rather than weaker as the days go by.

In the meantime, we're here if you want to rage and moan and can't find anyone IRL to do it to.

(I don't know if you have any close friends in real life to talk to because these jerks often work to isolate women without their realizing it so that soon enough, the man is the only thing in their life and the woman has no-one else. Temporarily of course!)

BitOutOfPractice · 06/05/2014 14:47

Oh keepaway what an awful shock. I'm so sorry this happened to you

You are absolutely right just to not answer. Nothing you can think of saying to him will drive him half as mad as silence - plus he will see any reply as an opening for dialogue. So just ignore - you are doing great, really strong

Good luck to you. I hope you can move forward to happier times soon

wannaBe · 06/05/2014 15:07

oh yes I can see the temptation to reply that she would be better off without him. But he's a tad delusional if he thinks that you would want to run to him after he'd lied to you for eight months to the point of taking you to his marital bed. Shock

seriously I would block this man and consider that you'd had a lucky escape.

Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 16:18

Thanks Cozie, BOOP and Wannabe, I am not going to reply as I know silence is my best option. I can't help but miss the man I thought I knew but I also realise I've had a lucky escape. I wish I could turn my feelings off and am trying my best to do everything to keep myself occupied.

Your support has been invaluable, I have read through many posts these last few days about the other side and how a wife finding out her DH has been cheating has devastated what she thought she knew about the life she had. I feel sick that he must've been sitting with his wife being protective over his phone, disappearing without reason and how she probably knows something is up but can't put her finger on it.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 16:40

It's surely going to be rough for you to stay disengaged but you're doing so well.

You'll manage it.

Have you got friends or family to go out and see IRL ?

TalisaMaegyr · 06/05/2014 16:42

God, I'm so sorry for you keepaway, what an awful shock Thanks

Can I just ask though - is it definite that he is still married? Do you have absolute proof? Has he admitted it?

cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 16:47

I reckon those emails from him (naughty keepaway actually reading them - get him blocked!) saying that ....he wants to leave her how she means nothing to him... are pretty conclusive. If that's the best he can come up with.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 16:50

Sorry you had to experience this, keepaway

Talisa, what possible difference could it make whether is still married or not ?

TalisaMaegyr · 06/05/2014 16:50

Yeah, actually, that is pretty conclusive Sad

What a prick. Keep strong keepaway, we are all here for you.

TalisaMaegyr · 06/05/2014 16:51

What do you mean AnyFucker? I meant in case she had misunderstood, and that he was actually separated.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 16:59

I don't think a "misunderstanding" has occurred here. What I was thinking you meant, Talisa, is that since OP has discovered he was shagging her while still married he is now separated and I was saying that should make no difference at all to how OP acts now. If that isn't what you were getting at though, I apologise for the crossed wires.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 16:59

...and also crossed posts Smile

VelmaD · 06/05/2014 17:13

Eight months is such a long time to lie :-( had you seen him often? Have you plans for the times you would usually see him, at least for first few weeks? Had you met any friends or family?

ive been with my boyfriend nine months and would be devastated if I discovered the same :-(

Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 17:17

Yes, he is still married, it came out when our conversation snowballed after I initially spoke to him about it. I told him to just tell me the truth as he was skirting around some issues, and he did, not full disclosure I'm sure but enough for me to call him a wanker get in my car and drive away.

Plus all the subsequent texts, calls emails leave me in no doubt his wife has no idea, I know these scumbag men are masters at deceiving most of the time, however just the level of deceit is unbelievable.

I don't want to engage with him in any way because I know what he is like, and although he can never get around me now he just has a way with words that is hard to not respond to. And it really is what it is, he is married, regardless of what the status of their relationship is or what he claims it to be.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 17:26

....and regardless of the current status of their relationship, he's a practised and easy liar. (And an organized one - that length of time!)

What a scumbag, as you said.

You're sounding stronger, keepaway ?

JeggingsHateMe · 06/05/2014 17:32

I'm sorry you're hurting.

There was no evidence of his wife anywhere in the house? No pictures? Letters lying about, a magazine? No evidence at all in the bedroom? Where does she keep her perfume? Toothbrush? Confused

Maybe it's just me that's strewn all over this house Blush.

Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 17:44

Jeggings, there really wasn't as I said before they/he has a minimalist house where everything was very clean and tidy, there was books on the nightstand but nothing that screamed wife sleeps here! there was a walk in closet where everything was behind sliding doors and I didn't go looking/snooping as its just not what I would do. The bathroom had cabinets that I really didn't need to go into, kept my toothbrush toiletries on his ensuite bathroom countertop. there was no pictures of his wife but lots of his children.

No outwardly signs of a wife. I met his colleagues, we went out openly in our city where he could've bumped into friends of theirs but he never hid me away or so I believe. I'm early 30's he's mid 40's and his family live a few hundred miles away and no I hadn't met them yet it just never came up , he met my friends on a few occasions, we went away together, it all seemed so normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 17:50

Cozie as much as I try to not read his emails, I have probably read them back a million times over [embarrassed]. I know I should block so I don't read them, but in a way I want to know what he's thinking even if it is lies. I know that seems crazy to most but I thought I was in a relationship and right now I'm finding it really hard to understand so finding some weird solace in reading his lies!

OP posts:
maras2 · 06/05/2014 18:03

I think that you are handling this remarkably well.Can't be easy for you.Well done for maintaining your dignity.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 18:45

Yup, mucho respec' to OP.

Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 19:24

He is ringing my door bell right now Shock

OP posts: