Found out he was a MM - Please help

[keepaway]

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, found out a few days ago he was still actually very much married, I cut all contact and haven't returned the numerous calls and texts. Can't talk to anyone in real life about it, feel stupid enough as it is, I was in his home, in his bed, the one he shares with his wife, there were no signs, I feel like an idiot. Finding it really hard not to reply, to ask questions but I know that NC is the best way to show how angry I am and how I won't be part of something like that. Its just really hard, I miss him I just need to stay away.

Please help me stay strong, I never want to see this man again but I know he will try to see me, his voicemails say as much. Sorry I know its short just wanted to keep my fingers busy writing on here rather than text the SOAB!

How are you doing OP?

just want to add that you are a strong and classy lady

Keepaway hoping things are going your way.

Hello All, Sorry been a bit silent recently decided to head away from it all with a few friends, still staying strong, not responded to any communication he has tried to engage in! I have had wobbles, I won't lie, where I miss him like crazy and think about how I thought we both felt when together, there are reminders of him everywhere, places we've gone where I find myself shaking my head to try get rid of the thoughts always reminding myself he was never who I thought he was.

He had a big case running and I googled to find out the result, he lost which funnily made me feel better as it was one he was sure he'd win! silly I know! I saw him driving past my home the other day just as I was unloading my bags from the girls week away. He kept driving as I think he had his DD in the car and I had my friends there. I got the sad face text message later on saying how good it was to see me blah blah, Ignored!

Oh well done keep. You're doing so well. He really does have some fucking brass neck doesn't he?

You're doing so well!

It's hard finding out someone has feet made of clay.

He's got a massive, massive adrenalin kick from all the lying and skulking about, plotting his next excuse to her, fabricating his next story, concucting his next move. That rush and adrenalin is quite addictive. The getting away with it, the 'winning' at not being caught, that thumping racing heart as his wife walks in the room and he's texting you. He doesn't want to loose you because without you in the game, there is no game. Remove yourself from the game 100%.

Oh yes indeed, with bells on.

OP, what you said to him on your doorstep was the best counter punch I have ever come across. WELL DONE!!'

I think you could give the wife a copy of the emails he has been sending you, or give her the phone number you have been using with him, and suggest she send a few lovey dovey texts in your name.

I know it would hurt like being hit by a train to get the horrible news, but ultimately what hurts more is the humiliation of knowing other people know what your H has been doing behind your back. Humiliation stings like nothing else does, but the longer you are deceived the more it hurts when you find out. Nothing about all of this is ever going to be easy, for you or for her, or for her children.

That being said, it is hard to divorce a lawyer with a personality disorder (how do I know this....).

Stay strong.

Go to a sti clinic.
You may be surprised at how straightforward it is and how nice the staff there are.

BOOP, yes he really does, probably thinks I should be falling about his feet, tosser! I have nothing but utter contempt for him!

Cozie, thank you, although I swore off relationships for a while, I did find myself smiling back at a man who was smiling at me today, quite handsome he was too!

BerylStreep I have spent a few minutes trying to figure out if that means that he has sticky stodgy feet! :-)

Mathanxiety, yes I know that the humiliation for his wife would be one of the hardest things to overcome, I really do think she needs to know, the number he texts from is his official number, there would be absolutely no doubt if she was to ever read his emails/messages, I just couldn't be the one who could tell her.

I've been thinking about this and it all shouts 'addict'. Him that is. ie perhaps he hasn't been consciously calculating iyswim but that he is an addict. I'm not sure what addiction this would come under - sex addict? (sex addiction is not necessarily about just sex) - but it has all the hallmarks: incredibly dangerous behaviour to get the fix.

Not that I'd want you to be feeling sorry for him or anything - just that it must be chilling to be on the end of something like this. You must feel absolutely done over.

Hello to everyone and just wanted to quick update as you were all so helpful, more than a few weeks on and he is still in contact although perhaps once a week now, still with the 'Please let me explain, i'm so sorry text' I bumped into him once and just walked away, received a text asking why I was being so cold ! but maintaining the NC and still makes me feel sick thinking about it!

The arrogance! He just doesn't get it does he?

Well done for staying NC. It's absolutely the right thing for you.

Thanks Cozie, no he just doesn't get it, there was a time about two weeks ago I thought about somehow telling his wife as messages were getting to me all reminiscent about what we had done together and after a few glasses of wine thought of replying to him but glad I resisted! and then thought only way to stop it is making his wife aware of what her sack of shit husband was doing but just couldn't bring myself to do it.

After this amount of time I'd be tempted to respond that any further contact will be considered harassment and you'll involve the police.

Trust me ( check out my post) cut it now. I was where you are now and in lots of ways I wish I had just been strong enough to cut things completely. I also didn't meet his daughter at first which I thought was MY decision because I thought it was to soon during the first 6 months. I ended up meeting her 1.5 years in. Its 2.5 years in- he is still married and I am pregnant.

Please listen, if he wants you he will come back when he is free.

I'd actually be surprised if his wife didn't have an idea of his behaviour. The world you spoke of him being in is a very close and very gossipy one, especially in that part of the country. I grant you that she may not quite realize the full extent of his perfidy.

None of that affects you of course. Just keep on as you're doing and good luck for the future.

Zpush, I'm not sure if you've read my thread but I don't want him, I had no idea he was married and when I found out I cut all contact, I will not entertain a married man who is capable of such deceit to two people. I don't care of his relationship status with his wife as I would never accept him back in my life.

I know in your case you are now pregnant but this man will never change, if he hasn't by now he never will and you will be signing yourself up for a lifetime of crap!

Cozie, Thanks, yes I'm sure perhaps his wife is not completely blind to his wandering eye and blatant lies of his whereabouts. In a way I do want her to know as if the situation was reversed and my twunt of a husband was saying the things to another woman that I have been hearing from him I would wonder if I meant anything to him at all and be utterly gutted that he could profess love to another to the extent he is claiming he does if that makes sense?

Maybe you would want to know if you were her but I would think hard aout your motives here. I suspect - and it would be entirely understandable if so - that you want to hurt him where you think it will get him most.

A shit he may have been/be but you need to detach yourself completely, I think. Rub him out of your life - and consciouness if you can.

(And why the heck are you still receiving texts from him? You should have blocked him long, long ago!)

Zpush.You should really read the thread again.

His texts and calls are blocked Cozie! his emails are sent to another folder but ! did read them the other week, can't really understand why myself, and then he left a voicemail message on my phone from a number I didn't recognise after he bumped into me and I ignored him.

Nothing much you can do in practice about the voicemail then apart from changing your number which might be difficult or ineffective depending on your circumstances.

You could block the emails though, or at the very least, delete without reading. Have a think about that one - and why you read them the other week?

Hi Keepaway,

Firstly, you are awesome, and you are right to furious and not ashamed. This man is disgusting beyond description.

Secondly, please please please do reconsider about telling his wife. Maybe she does know, but if she doesn't? That's just way too sad. People are saying that she probably knows, but I guarantee that there were people saying exactly the same thing about you when you were together. "Oh she probably knows deep down that he's still married, and is just happy to be the mistress". If you were duped, then the chances are she was too.

This woman is being absolutely humiliated and you have the opportunity to open her eyes. You can't guarantee what she will do, and that's not for you to worry about. But you can at least make her aware, and then put your conscience to rest.

My advice? Print out the e-mails from right at the beginning of the relationship which talk about how he is divorced with an amicable split, and inviting you to dates. Basically anything which shows that he lied about his marital status. Hopefully they are from his work account, so she will recognise that it is irrefutably him. Put them in an envelope.

Print out one or two e-mails where you guys had arranged to do something together on a weekend. Guarantee that she will remember those as dates that he was "working". More lies. Put them in an envelope.

Next print out the e-mails (again from his work account) from more recently after the split saying how sorry he is, how he wants your forgiveness, asking to let you explain. INCLUDING THE MOST RECENT ONE. Then put them in an envelope. You can also do an envelope with pictures but only if you are comfortable with it.

Next, write a very short letter and put it in an envelope. All you have to say is:

I am so sorry. I had no idea. I hope that the following can help you to believe me. I want nothing to do with this person - they are the worst type of scum. I was so scared to say anything, but I couldn't face my conscience by not doing so. I am sorry. Whatever you do from here on is of course only for you to decide.

On your letter write "for Mrs X- first"

Then on each of the others write 1, 2, 3 etc. If you do a photo one, please write on the back "this contains photographic evidence" so she is forewarned.

All you need to do is drive to her house when you know that he will be out. Ring the doorbell. When she answers, asks if she is Mrs X. When she says yes hand her the envelopes and just say "I'm sorry" then leave SHARPISH.

This way she has irrefutable evidence against her husband if he tries to deny it. She can either confront him, or burn it and never mention it again. You don't need to know what she does.

I find it so sad when people find out that their partners are really married, but never say anything. It's basically enabling the guy to get away with it.

PS, After you have done that, the next time he contacts you (if he does) you can reply

"You have the gall to have lied to me and to your wife, and to continue to harrass me against my will. Due to this utter disrespect to both me and your wife, I have told her everything. I suggest that you concentrate on your wife now. You know, the woman that you pledged your life to in front of your friends, family and god. That woman. You cheating, lying cunt".