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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out he was a MM - Please help

173 replies

keepaway · 05/05/2014 04:02

Hi all,

To cut a long story short, found out a few days ago he was still actually very much married, I cut all contact and haven't returned the numerous calls and texts. Can't talk to anyone in real life about it, feel stupid enough as it is, I was in his home, in his bed, the one he shares with his wife, there were no signs, I feel like an idiot. Finding it really hard not to reply, to ask questions but I know that NC is the best way to show how angry I am and how I won't be part of something like that. Its just really hard, I miss him I just need to stay away.

Please help me stay strong, I never want to see this man again but I know he will try to see me, his voicemails say as much. Sorry I know its short just wanted to keep my fingers busy writing on here rather than text the SOAB!

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 17:22

I disagree - and unfortunately haven't time to set out why at this moment.

But he won't know for certain will he? And the pount is to get this jerk off the poor OP's back.

forumdonkey · 05/05/2014 17:23

I feel for you Keep and it must be devastating to find out the man you loved and trusted was married. It beggars belief how he got away with it all - from you and his DW. How did you find out?

Stay strong, you deserve so much more than this man

MrsPixieMoo · 05/05/2014 17:46

What a horrible thing to find out OP. You (& his DW) deserve so much better. Am really sorry you've been hurt in such a callous way. Lots of support on here. Stay strong and hard as it is, don't look back.

silveroldie2 · 05/05/2014 17:47

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. Years ago I had a relationship with a man who I loved and thought we had a wonderful future together.

Then I discovered that he had a wife and six children in Ireland. It nearly destroyed me but I went NC and never spoke to or saw him again. It's devastating but you're doing the right thing. I hope time can help, as it did for me.

MuttonCadet · 05/05/2014 17:50

Agreed cosie, it's about getting this guy off her back, any way is worth a try.

NewNameForSpring · 05/05/2014 18:26

When you were in his marital bed, how come there weren't lots of his wife's things around the room and in fact, whole house?

With regard to healing, I guess you have to keep thinking of the awfulness of his behaviour and blank out the so called happy memories. Poor you. I think it can be likened to an assault, but a mental one.

Vivacia · 05/05/2014 18:37

How did he explain all of her belongings around the house? Knickers on the clothes drier, sanitary products in the bathroom, shoes in the hallway, book on the bedside cabinet...?

qazxc · 05/05/2014 19:01

Tell him you don't want to hear from him again and that if he doesn't stop you will go to the police about harrassment.

prawnypoos · 05/05/2014 19:05

keepaway he owned up by text because she was pregnant. I've heard through the grapevine that he has had quite a few other since his son was born, though, of course he has never left his partner who is probably completely oblivious. I have been told by his relatives that his 'heart is in the right place, he just gets himself in muddles'. They know exactly what cake they are having and how they are eating it. Horrible, horrible manipulative men. I have been accused of lying about my pregnancy but I have scan pictures, midwives letters and doctors letters (due to an infection in my womb) to prove it. It's shit it telly is but you are doing the right thing. His poor, poor wife

Original poster
keepaway · 05/05/2014 23:26

Thank you everyone for your replies, to answer the questions on how I never noticed things in his home, well the story I was fed was he divorced a few years ago, his wife lived in the country home about an hour away. He retained the city house as he worked in the city whereas she could work from anywhere.

The house he lives in is very big and has many rooms I never had need to walk around in, saw the children's rooms and the living/drawing rooms, kitchen and of course his bedroom. No outwardly signs of any female clothes, toiletries etc, it is very minimal with walk in wardrobes and everything tucked away and I never really snooped around as its not in my nature to go looking through drawers.

I would never contact his workplace, I hate him but wouldn't want to jeopardise his job or in fact tell his wife, I feel really sad for her too, I am sure she has no idea of what a wanker her husband is. Thing is he never came across like that, that's what I feel so angry/sad about. He seemed perfectly normal.

Prawny poos your story is so sad Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
keepaway · 05/05/2014 23:35

I found out by accident, I saw his youngest children (recognised from pictures) with their mum getting into his car whilst I was driving one day, he was in the driving seat and she leaned over to kiss him hello, I was stuck behind some traffic facing their direction and they were parked across the road. the traffic started moving and I just got an uneasy feeling there was more to it, as he had told me he was away on business that day.

Later on that evening I made a half hearted jokey comment of catching him out with another woman and hoped it was his sister, he stumbled and said something and it snowballed from there really.

OP posts:
Thetallesttower · 05/05/2014 23:42

That is very devious on his behalf, what a shit. Glad you saw him though. Op, at least you know what type of person he is now, but its very sad. He obviously was carrying on the pretence to her too, what with the kissing her etc. At least this way you know any claim it was all over/just like brother and sister/only you and so on wouldn't be true.

You have done the right thing, block and move on.

Treat yourself nicely though, you have done nothing wrong yourself.

cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 23:44

keepaway

I'm sorry to have to say this, but with such a man, with the moral compass of half a tomato but clearly very well organized, how do you know you were the only OW?

And how do you know you would be the last? (Assuming he 'gets away with it' with you.)

cozietoesie · 05/05/2014 23:47

PS - before you move on, I'd be getting yourself a quick STI check. 'twill do no harm.

Original poster
keepaway · 05/05/2014 23:52

Thank you tallest tower, I am ignoring and trying my hardest to repeat in my head, what a lying devious shit he is, not helped with pages and pages of emails trying to explain. I am not going to give him the satisfaction in replying. When I walked away I made it clear I didn't want to see him ever again and what a low life scumbag he was.

Cozie, I have no way of knowing anything about the man now, and I don't know if i'll be the last, devious and in reading the emails regardless of how sincere he sounds I am well aware how he managed to convince me and how I have no idea of who he is.

OP posts:
Original poster
keepaway · 05/05/2014 23:53

regarding the STI check, I am ashamed and mortified to go into a clinic, I have been thinking about it.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 06/05/2014 00:11

He's a devious, lying scumbag who is clearly an accomplished liar. I would ask yourself if he ever had to go away to other cities for work - and if so, is there the possibility that he was taking up with other women there?

Just - is it possible? That's all you need.

About the check, trust me - no need to be mortified. There are plenty of us on this board who have had one or more (including me) and they're really matter of fact and nice people there. You can usually walk in off the street as well although you maybe should take a book in case there's any waiting to be done.

It wouldn't be nearly as bad in practice as in your imagination right now.

And I think you have to, don't you?

Original poster
keepaway · 06/05/2014 01:20

Yes Cozie you are probably right, he put me and his wife at risk, at the moment I don't ever want to talk to him again, I know if I see him he will be so convincingly sorry, nature of his job (Law) he has a way with words that makes you believe the unbelievable. I am staying strong, I'm thinking of what his wife must've been thinking where he was a few nights a week and where she was when I was at his home, I have so many questions but then think whats the point. He is married and no amount of explaining will excuse what he's done.

OP posts:
WildBill · 06/05/2014 05:54

If you want him to stop e-mailing you ring his HR department and tell them he's using company e-mail to harass you. They won't sack him but they should have a quiet word. This has happened at my employers.

wannaBe · 06/05/2014 06:09

Whether there were others is unimportant tbh, what matters is that he has deceived the op and she has told him to get lost. Yes he may have other ow in future but that's not op's responsibility to deal with either.

Op I wouldn't bother with contacting employers and such, block his email address, then forget about him.

qazxc · 06/05/2014 07:41

Don't worry about getting tested. It's all very much matter of fact and not judgey/grim at all (just like getting a smear test). Please look after yourself.
You're right not to engage with him or read any of his emails, as you say no amount of explaining will excuse what he has done.

Deathraystare · 06/05/2014 07:55

Of course the wife is preggers. I bet she knows about you, well that something is going on, this is classic "Have a baby to keep the man' stuff. I bet he has previous.

Disgusting that he used the marital bed.

Those that ask how you did not spot the signs of a wife living there - I bet he hid any pictures etc. When they want to hide things they can be motivated enough to put things away where you don't see them.

FreeSpirit89 · 06/05/2014 07:55

Please please please go for a sexual health check. You don't need to give them a reason, or tell them why.

As for him, you don't need us to tell you here what he's like. I'm sorry you had to find that out. Send him one final email saying : I have stated my positioned, I wish no further contact between us. You have a wife and family, had I have known I would never have allowed a relationship to develop. Please respect my wishes I. The matter or I will be forced to contact the police for harassment purposes

Rebecca2014 · 06/05/2014 09:07

Scary how this can happen isn't it! I mean he could have got away with this for years!

Can I ask why you will not tell his wife? Do you not think she deserves to know? I am sure you two were having unprotected sex then he went home and had sex with her.

He will properly go on and sleep with other women, I personally would let her know then leave them too it. Guilt would eat me up if I just left it.

prawnypoos · 06/05/2014 09:39

keepaway I also feel so sorry for you, I can relate. I remember visiting twat bags house several times and there were no signs of another person let alone a woman living in the same house! And looking back it just didn't make sense to me. He never cancelled dates or his his phone from me. I wa on the pill and for the first few months we used condoms. These men are clever and will go to any lengths to maintain their bit on the side. Having said that there are plenty of very decent men who wouldn't dream of infidelity like this. Don't tar them all with the same brush, despite what he's done it will take time to get over. Some days you will feel stronger than others.