The Dating Thread 74.

[MadeMan]

Hello and welcome.

It is likely that he is asleep. He was out late last night, up early this morning and then went to the gym for a couple of hours this afternoon.

It won't even have occured to him that I'll be wondering...

I think I'd have to ring to reassure myself. But I have zero will power.

I'm going to bed with a book. It's the best place for me.

No I think that is true. He won't have thought that you'd be wondering.

Damn - this thread moves fast! Sorry I haven't kept up with everything!

So Mr WeekendAway is back - I thought he lost interest after I made it clear that I wouldn't leap into bed with him, but he back and back on charming form too. Still haven't met him though...

And I went out with a big group of friends last night and found out one of my mates really fancies me (feel like a teenager even typing that - it was a classic - his best mate told me!) Oh god! What to do!!

I'm not going to ring. We don't phone each other, it's a disaster. I hate talking on the phone and we can't understand each other very well!

Besides, I couldn't bear the thought of him looking, seeing it was me and then ignoring it because he's with someone else.

I know that's not likely in reality, but it's not an impossibility either...

No point in thinking about the bad stuff until it is actual fact. There'll be a daft reason or,he's just not thought about it.

oh folk enjoy your book and try not to worry. from what you've said before I think he sounds genuine.

The worst part is I'm now seeing little things he's said in the past in a negative light, whereas before I wasn't. For example he knew what I had written on my profile in some detail. I joked at the time saying how often have you looked at my profile, you know it better than I do.
At the time I thought it was sweet and a sign he was keen and had taken the time to remember stuff. But now I'm thinking could it be he's an actual controlling, jealous physco and that's why he knows it. I feel that whats happened has spoilt it all for me :(

I've deleted my profile now so he's bound to ask me why. I may just say that some odd bod messaged me with a fake profile and it goes to show you never really know what someone's like. I could see what he says to that. Do you think I should ask him if it was him?

Cani Well, stand by what you said you will do.

I mean, only tell him if you trust him. Cos I told my ex as well about this local guy. Cos I really did not expect this guy to still continue to message me. In fact, it was my ex who told me to be kind on OD, cos guys also have a bad time too. So yeh, well, this kind of thing turned around to become what it was in the end. (So I was right to be harsh before my ex brainwashed me on that one! Tsk.) I came to realise that rejection does hurt actually, and it does help to go slow and to see the situation better.

Well, I guess you can only tell if he is controlling or not, depends on if you can communicate with him and if he actually respects what you ask and so forth. I guess only tell him if you trust him at this point.

cani No, don't ask if it's him. I don't know, only you will know whether you genuinely have reason to suspect him of being a wrong'un, or whether you're possibly being a little oversensitive and overreacting, I suppose.

I used to remember pretty much everything everyone had written on their profiles because I have a good memory. And because if I liked them, I did take time to read what they'd written in detail. A lot of men remembered stuff I'd written in my profile in detail. My boyfriend can tell me some of the things I'd written in mine in great detail, and I decactivated it over 3 months ago.

Even if he's memorised it so that he can bring it up in conversation with you to check that it was true, I don't think that's a bad thing either.

I'd just be careful about panicking about being contacted by a fake profile and assuming it was him and ending it.

I got a text at midnight saying he'd been watching a film and not doing very much of anything.

I suppose, if he'd been out the night before and chatting with me the night before that, it's reasonable that he might have wanted a night of peace to do his own thing.

He is a bit like that. He definitely likes his own time and space He just won't have even realised that my mind goes into overdrive!

I hate my ex for how suspicious and uncertain he's made me. He lied about absolutely everything.

His parents rowed constantly and sometimes it turned quite violent. They are both problem drinkers and he grew up learning to lie to them because their reactions were so disproportionate (I know that's true, I've witnessed it). So he kept the truth from them, gave them the easiest to hear answer to any question they asked so there was never any reaction, and then he dealt with the truth himself. From being about 12 or 13.

So he avoided any sort of conflict by just keeping the truth from me. Not because of how I reacted - because I'm not an angry person, but because that was the habit he'd developed. And I felt I was trying to build a life on quicksand because there were no solid foundations to anything.

He told me after we split that he thought that all he had to do to keep me happy in the marriage was, well, to keep me happy and that if he avoided any sort of unpleasantness, I would be happy and so would he. I said to him that the problem was none of it was real. I think he understood that, but the damage (to me) was already done. And I'm suspicious of everyone now. I know that, realistically, not everyone builds their entire lives on a web of lies, but still...

My boyfriend doesn't really know this, but he has said to me that he doesn't like lying, particularly to people he cares about and he worries about it, so he doesn't do it. And he likes the fact that he knows I'm honest. So I know he values honesty. So I don't think he's in the habit of just lying and fucking people over, I think he's very loyal, he's got a lot of friends and never says a bad word about any of them beyond very minor irritations. And even then he speaks fondly of them.

I never used to be this mistrustful and doubting though. It makes me feel quite sad. I think where I was earlier yesterday is the truth. And where I was last night is just the ghost of my ex creeping in.

Folk

You sound so much like me , I spent a lot of last night wondering what Mr IT was doing knowing he was out drinking in town.

I had a text about two saying home now sexy so at least he thought enough to text.

folk I'm glad he got in touch. jesy I'm exactly the same too. could be a long day today...

Minime

I know the feeling Mr IT texted me like he does each am but he in London today ,part of me wants to trust him and a little bit does which is odd as I don't trust ppl at all but there that niggle that he'll see some fun skinny blonde today n think why am seeing the fat old mare lol
Yeah that how I see myself .

Folk, you are completely right. I am just being over sensitive and paranoid. I guess I've just realised how easy it would be for someone to be telling you a load of bs and falling for it all. It's made me realise maybe I need to hold back a little from mr nice and not be so open until I do know him better.
I'm glad he text you. Sometimes I don't text mr nice. It's not because I don't want to but rather if we've only just seen each other then I haven't done anything exciting worth talking about, so see no point in texting rubbish. It could be he's the same. You had seen him the day before and neither of you had done anything in particular so maybe he just wanted to watch the film without being interrupted by texts. I know it's hard if your used to being lied to being lied to isn't the norm.
I have the opposite problem. I had a really happy marriage with dh and we were both honest and open, therefore I assume what people are telling me is the truth and I never suspect anything. But this leaves me wide open to being manipulated and lied to. I think that's why I'm so annoyed about yesterday, I've realised how gullible I am!

Jesy I wonder if it's the same tall, skinny, blonde I worry about my boyfriend seeing... But then I tell myself that if he wants a tall, skinny, pretty, blonde, he works with plenty of them (sadly, this is true...) so he has plenty to choose from, but he chose a petite curvy red head, so there must be something he sees in me...

Cani Not gullible, there's nothing wrong with being trusting! But, yes, I can see that what happened is a signpost to the fact that you could be vulnerable to people who were less trustworthy.

I hadn't seen him the day before, he went out with colleagues. I think that's what makes it harder, we only see each other alternate weekends. When I was working p/t I sometimes saw him one evening in the week too, but now I'm working f/t it's not going to happen. At least not at the moment because I seem to have managed to fill up every evening of the week with Stuff.

He's already emailed this morning anyway. He was exhausted after the night out, the gym and a couple of glasses of wine with dinner finished him off. He fell asleep watching a film and texted me when he woke up. The niggling voice of old is saying "It's a lie, It's a lie" in a high pitched squeaky goblin voice. But the sane part of me that knows him is going to accept it. Because it's more likely to be the truth than the alternative!

I am pretty green about the system. I got a message from a guy, a generic one. I replied and then saw he had checked me out. Does this mean he had not sent the message but it was the site sending them?

Also I had one yesterday which was so long and did not answer anything I had asked and my dil said it was cut and paste?

Can anyone recommend where I can read up on how it all works? Thanks.

MrWallet I used to get that. I used to assume they were sending a generic message based on my photo but had then checked to see what I had to say about myself. But I suppose it could be the site sending them, I don't know.

I never replied to them, either way, regardless of what they looked like. There was no way I was going to reply to someone who'd sent loads of messages to loads of women without even looking at their profiles. Talk about casting your net wide!!

I think this thread is the best place to read up where it all works, to be honest. We all have different experiences of different sites. I don't think you're going to find any site admit that they send out spam messages. It wouldn't look good for them.

Folk

I try to reassure myself that he doesn't mind I'm not skinny a while back we were in bed n he said not to cover up and I'm trying not to but I'm not confident about my body.

Thanks Folk girl. Its not very flattering when someone who looks like Quasimodo sees fit to pass you by! ;) I will no longer reply unless they indicate they have actually read my profile.

Can I ask everyone, if you're chatting to a couple of people and you go on a date with one of them, if another asks what you've been up to that night or do you have plans, would you lie? This happened to me before everything went tits up with MrGolf so am now trying not to put all my eggs in one basket but I feel terrible lying but can't exactly say oh I'm out on a date with someone else!

Finally joining you on here after being a long time lurker and feel like I know you all! I've entered the strange world of online dating. It's been a scary experience. Been chatting to a man who seems really nice. He wants to meet up but lives quite a drive away. Any suggestions of best first meeting?

jesy I'm sure he likes u for being you.

folk it sounds as if your man adores you as you are!

turnedout I would be vague or lie. No need to tell them everything.

I just popped on to say I'm going on date 3 with Toryboy. He's got tickets to see Prince.

I'm doing ok. Geeky never did reply.