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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The Dating Thread 74.

999 replies

MadeMan · 04/05/2014 13:44

Hello and welcome.

OP posts:

DeliberatelyDreaming · 07/05/2014 15:57

Ambivalent is exactly how I feel OWW. I think you're right, I can't lose anything by going and it's only coffee. Who knows he may turn out to be Mr Right, any date we go on could be!

Farmergiles99 · 07/05/2014 16:47

Can I have some advice off you lovely ladies and chaps?

This is really quite embarrassing and I'm not sure what to do. In fact this is really embarrassing so I've name changed but I am a regular.

So since having dd I suffer from the horrible farmer Giles, this has resulted in stretching some of my skin(down there) from them and I have a piece of loose skin. Now it was never an issue with dh, he knew me before I had them and they appeared during our marriage and the birth of his children so we just ignored the aftermath they had left.
BUT.... Now I'm dating again it has knocked my confidence massively. I've been and seen a gp and I can have an operation to stop future episodes and it may help with the loose skin, however that part isn't guaranteed. But from what I've googled the op takes at least 2 weeks of recovery and is very painful.

I really don't know what to do. I'm at the stage where I should be DTD with him but can't face him noticing this. I don't know if I should just be upfront and say before anything happens, if I should just keep quiet until he notices something or if I finish the relationship, then get the op and start old all over again. Why I never thought of this before I started dating is beyond me! I feel like crying

whitedoorbell · 07/05/2014 16:48

jarlin I agree with neil about being straight and trying not to waffle on.

all the men I ever knew got confused by the waffle. just ask him straight out.

I made that mistake with baldy when having the exclusive chat... he said he would have to think about it and I freaked out thinking wtf... turned out he thought I was asking if we would get married or something and be together forever when what I meant was can we ve exclusive and see what happens.

whitedoorbell · 07/05/2014 16:52

omg farmer post baby body worries are the worst.

only thing I can say is that I was terrified and he didn't even appear to notice. Wasn't the exact same situation but I was horribly self conscious.

maybe a few glasses of would give you some dutch courage and after the first time it gets better.
also you know this already but if he makes you feel uncomfortable then he isn't the one... but I realise that is little comfort right now x

neiljames77 · 07/05/2014 16:55

whitedoorbell - he sounds like he's as crap at reading signals as me!!!
I'd have probably thought you were asking if we should get a cat or something.

whitedoorbell · 07/05/2014 17:03

neiljames interested to get a mans side...
do you worry about the future and is it going to work out and if I text will he think I am a bunny boiler etc....
or do men just literally live in the moment?

sorry hope you don't think I am being rude. just wondering as you must have noticed us ladies agonising over it all and looking for some hidden meaning in everything. .. just wondered if it is the same for men?

neiljames77 · 07/05/2014 17:04

Farmer, just tell him that you'd rather he didn't venture south because you're a bit self conscious about it. Then tell him about the operation (not EVERYTHING) and it's more than likely he won't be bothered by it at all.
If he is, at least you'll know how shallow he is.

DeliberatelyDreaming · 07/05/2014 17:15

Farmer You poor thing. The whole issue of DTD for the first time is a killer for most if not all of us. I don't have the issue you have nor do I have C-section scars, I do have loose skin after huge weight loss. I'm afraid I took Whitedoor's approach. Loads of wine then just got on with it. I did wear a cami which worked for me, obviously you're in a slightly different position. Surgery is a big thing (says her who is desperate for a tummy tuck) and not to be taken lightly. I do think in a situation like yours, I personally would give it a lot of thought but would probably have it done.

Don't cry sweetie, if this man cares anything about you he should understand. Vagina's are what were made for babies to enter the world via and if he can't understand that perhaps he isn't for you?

Pinklaydee1302 · 07/05/2014 17:25

I agree tooFarmer

neiljames77 · 07/05/2014 17:43

whitedoorbell - I couldn't possibly answer that without doing the most horrific mansplaining EVER!!!!!

whitedoorbell · 07/05/2014 18:23

neiljames wtf????

please tell me... it feels a bit like the holy grail round here trying to figure out what the hell is going on in man's head

Farmergiles99 · 07/05/2014 18:35

Deliberately, the problem is it's not my vagina but my bum that has the issue. I have stretched skin tag caused by piles during the birth. Omg! This is just awful.
Neil are you saying I DTD but just ask him not too look or would you suggest not even doing that!

FolkGirl · 07/05/2014 18:38

If you could all forgive me being a major bitch for a second...

My exH (well he's not really my ex yet as we're not divorced) emailed me this morning to tell me that he and his girlfriend/the OW have split up.

Well there you go. There was me thinking that this was his "true love" and that he'd "never felt like this before" etc etc.

I hope he feels it was all worth it.

I certainly do!

whitedoorbell · 07/05/2014 18:46

folkgirl so he finally figured out that the grass isn't greener on the other side ... what a wanker

neiljames77 · 07/05/2014 18:54

Farmer, I'm just saying let him know first and see what he says. Otherwise, you'll be doing just missionary forever!!

Whitedoorbell, I'm leaving work in a minute, then going out. I'd need more time to spill the beans.

whitedoorbell · 07/05/2014 18:56

ffs neiljames that is typical man shpeil!!!!

SuperFlyHigh · 07/05/2014 19:11

Folk - karma's a bitch isn't she?! could you maybe text him that?!

Jarlin · 07/05/2014 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whitedoorbell · 07/05/2014 19:45

jarlin I see it now... you know when you read a thread on mn and they just drip feed the info... this is what it feels like dealing with men.

unless you have a big show down they seem to provide the details drip by drip. I can see it isn't meant to be deliberately annoying all of the time but seriously wtf is the point in it?

so neiljames 2 questions now.

do men agonise over all the details like women do and desperately over analyse every tiny thing

if you shine a light in their eyes and bombard them with questions will that work?

am guessing is not that simple... in which case wtf must we women do to stay sane?????

whitedoorbell · 07/05/2014 19:46

neiljames before you say anything I realise that is 3 questions

Minime85 · 07/05/2014 20:07

folk stupid man. hope you are OK.

Neil I so need those answers too. currently having to actually physically stop myself sending message to bloke I'm seeing as not heard from him yet tonight which is sooo unlike him.

really want to stop turning into a self doubting, over analytical mess! x

Jarlin · 07/05/2014 20:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeliberatelyDreaming · 07/05/2014 20:11

LOVE it Folk. It seems your ex has just been well and truly been kicked by Karma just as he deserves.

If you lived beside me, I would take you out for a few glasses of vino to celebrate. Serves him flippin' right!

Farmer Not awful at all, it is what it is and that makes it a valid subject here. Have you spoken to him about it? If you talk about normal fears around DTD for the first time, could you perhaps just mention that following childbirth you have an associated with delivery? Does he have children? If he does then the mother(s) of his kids may well have some kind of residual issue from the birth. If you can, talk to him.

Jarlin · 07/05/2014 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minime85 · 07/05/2014 20:23

jarlin just over a month. he is just super laid back and I'm so not! so I spend most of day doubting things. its still so new and I feel like a bloody teenager!

farmer I would tell him how you feel. doesn't have to be specifics if u don't feel comfortable. I've had two c sections and this worried me too but I made a jokey comment about it before and his response reassured me a lot.

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