The Dating Thread 74.

[MadeMan]

Hello and welcome.

Jarlin, as much as I know you're involved already, would it not be better to find someone that doesn't come with all this hassle? I feel for you, I really do.

Jarlin - I agree with Deliberately if he looks petrified after your being together 6 months and talking about a future, then I would, myself have serious doubts.

There's Slow and there's Slow and then there's just... you know.

Well I WhatsApped MBB asking did he want to keep in touch (I really quite liked him, as a person) and he got in touch saying he'd still like to do drinks with me in 2 weeks time (he's on a detox meantime). Even though he said he wasn't sure (not definite mind) that he was ready for a relationship yet on my side (and his?) at least a date with drink, 2-3 hours etc, not rushed, well it gives me a chance to see where the land lies and if I/he like each other. If not, hey ho. Maybe he's thinking on same lines. I also said I liked him but didn't want to pressure him. eeek. Was that ok?

Jarlin - a final point - ok so he's had a shit 3 months with grief/bereavement etc - but that in no way should excuse him dodging a question when it comes to commitment/where you see things after 6 months?

In fact he could have quite easy answered or given you a non committal answer. It's the silence and terrified look which would make me think twice personally.

Neil if you don't want to go don't go!

I'm never overly keen on friend's of friends etc... as the fallout/gossip can be spectacular.

I don't think I will SuperFlyHigh. Well I'll still go out but just make it clear that me and her together would look daft. I'll have to hope I don't drink too much and change my mind near the end of the night.
Yeah, the friends of friends thing is really awkward but they think they're doing you a favour.

neiljames - by "drink too much and change your mind near the end of the night" do you mean get pissed and snog her in a drunken haze of misplaced passion?!

friends of friends always think they're doing you a favour but sometimes their idea of the perfect partner is not ours!

Jarlin - oh shit, the "cautious" word...

do you really want to end it?

if you do all you need to say is you don't think its working out (even mention the period of time). Could you ring him? that'd be better than email/text.

with MBB yes, it will be much easier than 2, 1 hour rushed lunch dates. and if he still thinks he's not ready then I'm not that fussed. He's nice but another man hapless victim will be along in summer... .

itwill how far away is your date?
I think after having to arrange overnight babysitters for the bloke who dumped me, I'm going to stick to someone I can visit in an evening. It makes it really hard unless you have a shag pad!

Yes SuperFlyHigh , something like that.
I'm old enough to be her dad though and I'd look like a right berk.
Nothing in common with her anyway, she just giggles.
No. I won't bother with her.

jarlin I hope yr ok?

maybe you just need to be totally honest with him. tell him you really like him and that you want to know what he thinks. I can't see anything wrong with that. you aren't asking for guarantees or anything. just that you want to know where ge thinks it is heading.

if he genuinely can't put his past behind him. that is hos problem and not yours.

xxx

jarlin I think I too after 6 months would want to know how he felt not just think it. I agree about having an upfront conversation before ending it completely. after 6 months he should be able to say if he sees a future.

hope u are OK

I don't usually post on here any more but I lurk around a bit and just wanted to say to Jarlin that I really think that if you're in the position that you are considering finishing it with Slow, then surely you have nothing to lose by meeting up with him and laying all your cards on the table. At the moment, if you go ahead and end it, then that's the default situation, an ended relationship. If you can screw up your courage and be open and honest and explain the situation from your point of view and what you want and need, then even if things don't work out you will be no worse off and you have a (big, I think) chance of things getting sorted out. Maybe he's not awfully emotionally intelligent but once he knows what you need he will step up and provide it.

Overall, he sounds like a lovely guy. I do see where you are coming from in that the pace of the relationship sounds very frustrating, but when things are good they sound great and I hope you think it's worth one last try before you end it.

One word of caution, though - it's really no time at all since his mum died. If people haven't been through something like that themselves they can underestimate the impact it can have. Grief can affect mood and behaviour in all sorts of unexpected ways and I think he still has quite a way to go before things settle down for him in that respect.

Loads of good luck to you and all of you on the thread

Jarlin - I agree with OhWestern - one last meeting?! with cards all dealt - you know like tarot... only joking! And explain what you want and need, then at least as OhWestern says you've had it out there etc... rather than sloped away ending it...

yeah I said hapless victim because I have to laugh otherwise I just wouldn't...

so many of my 40ish friends who are female are single/looking etc...

Jarlin, OWW has been on this thread ages and gives such wonderful advice. I honestly think what she says is the best way to go, for your own sanity.

Neil If you don't feel comfortable don't go. There is a guy on Smooch, he is unforgivably handsome, but 14 years younger than me. I just can't bring myself to meet him. I just feel I would end up being a parent to him, that is of course not true as he is in his early 30's but I can't help how I feel.

I'm seriously debating my coffee date on Friday. He hasn't done anything wrong, he texts me each morning to ask how I am but... I just don't know. I'm cruel when I say he looks like he is someone I wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley, and I also know one photo is not what you should judge someone on. It's only coffee after all. Should I go?

Sounds sensible Neil. I'm curious that you're getting cheesy/ cringe worthy responses. Is it the site you're on?

I'm getting a real mixture. Lots of he/ hey. Straight to rudeness. But also got a couple that just seem incredibly normal and nice. Though one is definitely not my type and I have said this. Is it weird to keep in contact?

Jarlin, I say I'm cautious too. But right at the start. I agree with oww, a lay your cards on the table and walk away if it isn't productive. Nothing to lose, everything to gain.

Hello. I haven't been keeping up with things on here very much but it's nice to see I'm remembered.

So - last time I updated was about 5 or 6 weeks ago I think. I'd met someone through Tinder (the only person I met through there, one of the first people I messaged) - called Curry. I forget why. On our second date she said she wanted to be exclusive and delete the tinder app. On our 3rd date we DTD. On our 4th or 5th date she met some of my friends for the first time and was a bit off with them. Later that evening she said something weird about me seeing my DC too often - she wasn't overly happy about the fact I had kids and see them as often as I can, I think, and it threw a huge mental spanner in the works.

So I broke things off with her a couple of days later. It's a shame, she was funny and attractive but there were some things about her, when I got to know her better, that just rubbed the wrong way.

Anyway, very shortly after that - the night I broke things off, in fact, I went to a gig with some friends to drown my sorrows and dance badly to bad indie music, and I met someone there who was obviously completely out of my league, looks-wise, and also funny and interesting. We spent three hours talking at the gig in three different languages and hand gestures (her English is poor), had a few drinks, had a dance and a cheek kiss goodnight.

We've been messaging on Facebook for several hours every night for the last 5 weeks or so - up to about 10000 messages so far.

Had three dates, haven't even kissed yet but lots of chemistry and laughter. Tonight she asked me to help her translate something for her and offered to bring a curry to mine to see where I live.

I really like her so far. And for some reason she seems to like me too, even though when I was on a date with her the other night I seemed to tail off into random unintelligible gibberish whenever she looked into my eyes. I got all flustered and stupid, and repeatedly lost my train of thought, which is quite unlike me.

However, she did the same. Which made me feel better.

I'm not doing online dating, I let my Match profile expire and didn't renew it, don't bother with Tinder and I just want to see how things go with this woman. I'm taking it very slow though. Lots and lots of chatting online is fine, when you already know you fancy someone, I'm in no rush for anything.

So that's my update. Hope things are working out for other people.

Brilliant to see you back Bant. I really am chuckling at you all tongue tied and flustered. I would love to be a fly on the wall to see that. I'm chuffed things are going well and hope they continue to do so. Don't leave it so long before you update again.

Jarlin Hog the thread as much as you like/need that's what it's here for. Stay strong, things will work out how they are supposed too soon (I hope.)

Jarlin - If or when you do have the conversation, just be clear and concise about your reasons or intentions. Some blokes need things really spelling out to them. I'm sure he'll understand and appreciate your honesty.

Well, I'd go. I nearly didn't go and meet Alpha - I'd already put him off once as I felt a bit ambivalent. He only had one photo up that wasn't great, plus a picture of a motorbike (shock horror) and the messaging wasn't setting me on fire. And here we are nearly a year later happy as anything . You really never know.