Partner says I am too fat to have sex with

[blueeyesindallas]

I am 47 years old with one child. I have been married to my spouse for almost three years. A year ago I weighed 114 and became very ill and had two major surgeries. After the illness I weighed 102 and was weak and frail. My husband was very loving and attentive and interested in sex when I was 102. I have gained back up to 115 and my husband told me in the middle of being intimate that the reason he could not maintain an erection was because of all the weight I have gained. I am devastated beyond words. I feel like I should try to get back down to 102 so that I will be worthy of his attention.

[Uptheanty]

This can't be real

There is no way anyone at 115 pounds could ever think they were fat no matter who t

[Uptheanty]

...sorry phone...

[flightywoman]

You've clearly never heard of anorexia or body dysmorphia Uptheanty...

Given the cult of size zero and digital image manipulation in the media, a size 6 could very easily think they were fat, even when they patently aren't.

[Uptheanty]

Clearly, you've never heard of anyone who has a different opinion than you flighty woman .

[DownstairsMixUp]

You look lovely in your photos! Get rid of him, pronto! He isn't worth it!

[Dirtybadger]

Blueeyes

1. You have a rockin' body and are beautiful and look very healthy.
   

1. Even if the above weren't the care, you're more than what you look like ffs.
   

1. Don't fall for any bullshit about you needing to support your husband. If has a deep seated problem he sure as hell isn't going the right way about helping himself. When someone slaps me across the face I don't start counselling them about where their anger comes from. Not. My. Job.
   

1. I see no mention of him apologising. Fuck that cunt.

[Snog]

The problem here is not your weight.
Either your dh has an erectile issue that he is blaming you for even though he knows it is not your fault or he is trying to control you and make you feel like $hit.
He doesn't sound like a very nice man because the way he is treating you is not loving. It is not even kind or respectful.
I suspect there is way more to this and that he is treating you disrespectfully in other ways too.

[FBXL5]

BlueEyes

He says you're too fat to have sex with? At 8 stone?

I bet I could prove him wrong (If I wasn't already married - and 5000 miles away)...


But seriously - whatever the problem is, it certainly isn't your weight.

(btw In the pictures you look fantastic!)

[flightywoman]

Uptheanty, you did say "there's no way..." when there is a way that someone with one of a number of medically-recognised eating disorders could actually think they were overweight when they aren't.

That's all I'm saying.

[blueeyesindallas]

Thank you to everyone for your support and kind words. This is not an isolated incident of control. I am not allowed to wear perfume or eat or drink things that he does not like the way they smell. He is not the Father of my son. My child is 22 and I have been married to this man for almost three years. The comments on here have convinced me to love myself for who I am and not to do something to try and appease a partner with serious issues. I feel strong and confident that I can analyze if this marriage is worth saving. The overwhelming majority of posters are delightful.

[bragmatic]

Well, there you go then. It's nothing to do with weight and everything to do with control. I'm afraid that types like him don't change.

Out of interest, what does your son/daughter think of this man?

[BitOutOfPractice]

Ugh. How revolting he sounds.

Tell him he is too ignorant to turn you on. Honestly some people's arrogance knows no bounds does it.

I think you need to have a serious think about how he treats you and whether yet want to continue to let him treat you like he does.

This comment was SO vile that it gave you a wake up call. But it sounds like he is nasty and controlling in some far more subtle, insidious and, maybe because they are so sly, worse ways.

[catsmother]

I really hope your analysis brings you to the conclusion that this marriage isn't worth saving at all. I really doubt that someone with such hard hearted control issues could ever change, and there's no excuse for it. At 5'4" 102lbs is dangerously underweight - and you would need to practically starve to maintain that weight - yet this is the "ideal" you are supposed to conform to ? What sort of loving partner would pressure their other half to do anything which would risk their health ? Then you have the other stuff on top - which really confirms how he sees you as subservient to him, and not as an equal at all. His wishes seem to be paramount - why? Who made him this superior being ? He sounds nasty Blueeyes and TBH I'd make the break before he becomes even worse.

Good luck.

[teenybash7]

Blueeyes, I'm so glad all the replies have helped you see that this is not healthy - and that the problems are his, not yours. There are an amazing number of amazing women on here who will support and help you if you decide to make a break from him, even if it takes a while. Good luck.

[hellsbellsmelons]

There's usually more to these things.
He sounds awful.
You can't wear perfume!?
He's a controlling abuser and you are now realising this.
Very glad you posted on here.
You know what to do now.
Get some legal advice and get him away from you and your DC!

[DillydollyRIP]

Sorry to hear your dh is acting like this towards you. You are not in the slightest bit fat or unattractive. He is the one with the problem, not you.

[Martin1984]

He sounds an absolute arse.

[Snog]

You deserve better than this OP. I hope that you decide to take back control of your own life and choose to only surround yourself with people who respect and value you and make you feel good. You only have one life and it is too short to waste on a partner who doesn't respect you and value you. Trying to control another adult is way out of order.
This man doesn't sound nice to be with.

[blueeyesindallas]

Dear Mumsnet friends, as the Op of this thread I am sad to say I have continued to put up with this issue regarding my weight from my husband and my self esteem is just shattered. I have been dealing with this issue off and on for almost two years now and now he is trying to dictate what I can eat and drink. Please pray for strength for me to get out of this unhealthy relationship. I feel so emotionally abused to be called fat at 115 lbs and at 5ft 5in tall.

[Admiraltea]

Take good care of yourself and congratulations for having the courage to post again. Many wise women here will come to support but i just want to send you the strength to keep reaching out...a new life is out there for you.

[Hobbitwife001]

Yes, I'd say you need to lose some weight, OP, 180 pounds of twat
He's terribly offended at your asking a valid question?
He's just trying to make his erectile dysfunction your fault, he's an abusive arse, and You are not the cause of of it, you are a healthy weight.

[ineedabodytransplant]

Blueeyes,

I've had a look at your profile photos and I have to say you're pretty yummy

Your OH is a controlling bastard and going on your posts he is getting worse.

I used to work with a bloke many years ago. Used to socialise with him and his wife. She was a lovely lady, very pretty and petite. He had the same thoughts on woman your baggage has. Started off with the no perfume 'rule', then his partner wasn't allowed any money, wasn't allowed to go shopping. She was always dieting to please him and I wanted to tell her she didn't need to but thought it wasn't my place. You could see she lost any breasts and hips she had. She became a 'little girl'. I started to reduce time with him but that meant we lost touch with her. Eventually she got in contact a few years ago. She'd finally found the courage and sense to leave him and then met another bloke. She's very happily married now, blooming with having her real figure back, and like you she's still pretty hot.

Your husband is a limp dicked waste of skin and air.

I'm so angry on your behalf. It's not your fault he can't get it up. I wouldn't have that problem

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Blue I'd say your H is too ugly to have sex with. Infact too ugly to even stay in a relationship with. I dont mean physical ugly either, he's ugly, ugly, ugly to the core and he knows it.

He wants you to have no self esteem, so you wont leave him.

You are looking amazing, you should be celebrating your amazingness instead of feeling ashamed of what you look like.

[KnitFastDieWarm]

Please get the hell out of there

He has really done a number on you hasn't he? I am almost TWICE your weight and from the sound of it, have twice your confidence - and that just breaks my heart. You sound like a lovely person in the prime of life with everything to live for and you are stuck with this tosser grinding you down.

Your 'husband' is an arsehole. It doesn't matter if you weighed 6 stone or 26 stone, the way he is treating you is shitty, shallow and downright abusive. He'd rather you make yourself miserable to conform to some ridiculous ideal than be happy and healthy? Who the hell does he think he is???

Have you thought about contacting womens' aid? I know it feels like a big step but they aren't just there for people who are being physically abused - they can also offer advice on emotional/mental abuse like you are experiencing. And please don't doubt that it is abuse. He is not normal. Normal people do not behave like this.

I'll bet this year's salary that he doesn't look like Brad Pitt either! What a tosser.

Please keep posting, we are all here for you