Partner says I am too fat to have sex with

[blueeyesindallas]

I am 47 years old with one child. I have been married to my spouse for almost three years. A year ago I weighed 114 and became very ill and had two major surgeries. After the illness I weighed 102 and was weak and frail. My husband was very loving and attentive and interested in sex when I was 102. I have gained back up to 115 and my husband told me in the middle of being intimate that the reason he could not maintain an erection was because of all the weight I have gained. I am devastated beyond words. I feel like I should try to get back down to 102 so that I will be worthy of his attention.

[hellymelly]

So he was interested in you when you were only just over SEVEN STONE? That is what I weighed at 15, and I was thin as a reed. I am really shocked by this, he sounds horrible, and rather creepy. Does he like you to shave all your body hair off too? You are clearly extremely slim, he is a fathead.

[meditrina]

'honor my vows'

What about his vows? I'm guessing from your user name, spelling and referring to weight in pounds (not stones and pounds) that you are in north America, so to may have different vows to those in the standard service here. But broad agreement to sex is usually art of it, and St Paul taught that married couples should not withhold sex except periodically by mutual agreement. Now, that doesn't mean that anyone should have or expect sex without consent. It means that sex is important in a marriage and and both parties need to work together to find a mutually fulfilling physical relationship. He's not doing that, is he?

[hellsbellsmelons]

He's blaming your for the fact he can't keep it up!??
That's a horrible thing to do to someone you supposedly love.
You are very slim so pay no attention to anything he says.
He's a knob!

[IrianofWay]

Yes it is sufficient reason not to honour your vows. It is in fact sufficient reason to cancel them.

1. You aren't fat. 115lbs is not fat even if you are small.
   
2. He likes you best when you are thin and sickly- that is pretty horrible.
   
3. Even if you were fat there are better ways to express a concern for your health than that.

[KissesBreakingWave]

115 pounds? Size 6? I'd be afraid of breaking you! That's tiny! (I weigh nearly that in kilos.

[crazyhead]

at 5.4, 102 is medically underweight, in a territory where you might expect health problems. Your current weight has returned to the bottom of the BMI range - which sounds fine for you. A man who wants you to go from medically healthy to unhealthy to satisfy his whims deserves the push.

[Granville72]

What a jerk he sounds.

You are not the one with the problem causing his erection issues and you are far from overweight.

Divorce him and find someone who appreciates you for who you are

[YoniMatopoeia]

I think the only weight you need to lose is the 150 lb + of dead weight that he is bringing to your relationship.

[blueeyesindallas]

I have never posted on any type of forum before and I want to say a heart felt thank you to everyone who has posted and been so supportive. You are remarkable people and appreciated more than I could ever express.

[blueeyesindallas]

You make such a good point that he is not honoring his vows. Thank you.

[joanofarchitrave]

If you were 115 kg (nearer my sort of weight), then there would be some legitimate comments he could make, e.g. about your health, and it's also theoretically OK to say as part of an honest and loving conversation that someone's body has changed and you have noticed it (not that I can imagine doing that tbh).

What he said does not in any way fall into that category. It also seems more likely that you are talking about pounds, which makes him just cruel.

It sounds like he felt deeply hurt by your comment about his fidelity and is lashing out. Not OK.

When someone shows you who they are (a man who likes weak, vulnerable women), believe them.

[ThisIsLID]

When I read your post, it didn't even enter my mind that you were talking in pounds. I mean to say you were too fat for him to find you unattractive, it had to be in kilos and nothing else right? skipping the fact that even if you had been 115 kilos, the comment would have been not acceptable anyway

So the issue is that he has ED but is so ashamed and uneasy that he thinks it's ok to blame you and be hurtful?
I have to say, if by any means, he us a nice guy in all other area of your relationship, I would give him ONE more chance and tell him to go and see his GP. Otherwise, I would be reading the riot act.

[ouryve]

You need to lose about 150lb. Of dickhead.

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

115 pounds is fat???? Your husband is a delusional twat!

[wishingchair]

Sounds like he's just scapegoating you for his erectile issues. Which may also be why he's not wanted to have sex recently.

So it sounds like that's the root cause. The bigger issue is that he'd blame it on you in such mean and hurtful way.

Suggest you have a open discussion if you can about how you're not going to lose weight because to do so would compromise your health, so where does that leave you both. He may open up about his erectile dysfunction or he may become hostile again. That may make it clearer about which direction you want to go in.

[ThisIsLID]

And YY to the fact you really DON'T want to loose more weight as it would make you unhealthy. Which you don't want regardless of his 'issues'

Maybe tell to go and see a counsellor/psychiatrist as if he can't have an erection unless you look like you are ill and famished, then he clearly has a major psychological problem that needs addressing. Look as concerned as possible and send him away.

[TheTerribleBaroness]

So he only fancies you weak, vulnerable, and looking like a child?

That is awful OP. Shocking. He is at best, a massive twat. Have you challenged him yet? What does he say?

[Pointeshoes]

What a prick. Please please leave him you do not deserve to be put down like this, I'm 5'4 and 120pounds , I'm not fat. So you can't be!!

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

He only gets turned on by weak and vulnerable women?

That's kind of weird and disgusting. Is he controlling?

I ask because if hes the controlling type, maybe he needs you to look weak to feel powerful.

If your starting to look healthy, then he feels emasculated.

[bragmatic]

The weight is a red herring. He's being a prick because he's too gutless to break up, and is treating you like shit so you leave. Of course that way, it's all your fault. I think he might be seeing someone else.

Anyway, who cares, right? Just leave with your head held high. Do you rent, or own a house together? Are your finances separate?

[Twinklestein]

If he said it after you asked if he was sleeping with someone else, are you sure it's not a diversionary tactic?

[leedsgirl231]

8st is healthy! I'm just under that (because I am 4'8'') but still! Dump the ba*^@rd!!!!

[Gen35]

Do you fancy him? I'm not sure I could want to be intimate with an idiot like that, how can you respect him? He's horrible as well as weird, what kind of bloke fancies someone more when they've lost a lot of weight through illness? Definitely grounds to ltb as he's not encouraging you to be healthy or look after yourself but rather to starve!