Partner says I am too fat to have sex with

[blueeyesindallas]

I am 47 years old with one child. I have been married to my spouse for almost three years. A year ago I weighed 114 and became very ill and had two major surgeries. After the illness I weighed 102 and was weak and frail. My husband was very loving and attentive and interested in sex when I was 102. I have gained back up to 115 and my husband told me in the middle of being intimate that the reason he could not maintain an erection was because of all the weight I have gained. I am devastated beyond words. I feel like I should try to get back down to 102 so that I will be worthy of his attention.

[measles64]

Your husband is ill. He may have waning libido, he may be gay. He may be asadist/fetishist/narcissist. Whatever he is you have to get away.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Can you son help you to get away?
You CAN do this.

[GoatsDoRoam]

Hi blueeyes. It's not unusual to feel too beaten down to leave an abusive relationship.

What kind of help can we give you at this time? You've asked for prayers, and Im sure you have all of MN's thoughts and good wishes (you certainly have mine!).

Is there anything else that would help you?

You deserve to be free of this treatment, you know. You are a precious human being, as precious as any, and you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and respect. And if someone is not treating you with kindness and respect, then you are too good to stay with that person.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Brilliant :)

[ScrambledSmegs]

Yes, it's a US number. I googled

There's a list of international domestic abuse helplines here.

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

[Anniegetyourgun]

Is that a UK hotline, scrambled? OP is in the US.

[ScrambledSmegs]

Sweetie, you already have the strength to leave this man. It's within you NOW. I know you think he's broken you, but look what you've done - you came on here, you talked to us and when we told you what we thought, you listened and you agreed.

That is far, far more than many women in abusive relationships manage when they first talk to people about what they are suffering. You are amazing. You can do this.

I can't pretend it will be easy. But the first thing you need to do is talk to someone in real life. If you can't talk to a friend, talk to these guys -

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

I know it says 'violence' in the title but that's misleading. You are being abused, and they can help, or can put you in touch with someone who can.

[Anniegetyourgun]

OP, I remember your threads. Please try not to feel guilty that you haven't left him yet. It's never that easy. If it were, nobody would ever be in an abusive relationship. You can, in theory, just up and leave any time you choose, but oddly (to anyone who hasn't been there) it's the choosing that's the difficult bit. Obviously you love the asshole man or you wouldn't have married him, and I dare say there are great bits in between the control and insults. This is the point at which many women have said "I wish I could catch him out in an affair, or that he'd do something really awful like hit me, just so I could have a proper reason to leave". You don't need a proper reason - "this relationship isn't working for me" is quite enough - but you do need to reach your own personal line in the sand. Keep working on it; life doesn't have to be like this. What's the average number of times a woman tries to leave an abusive relationship before succeeding - 7 rings a bell?

Whatever you do or don't do, please understand that you are not letting anyone down by not leaving your husband. This is your life, not anybody else's.

[Partyringer]

I'm v sorry!
I looked at the month but not the year and looked at the previous posts of the OP and it seemed to tally up! Apologies everyone, I'll report it.

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

an example of why it's bad form to link to old threads if you're not the OP....
partyringer I'd ask HQ to delete that post of yours, it's just going to complicate this thread and now the old zombie thread is active again.

[ChangingTiming]

OP, I was so hoping the update was you living your own life and happy. Well done for coming back to post, and hope you get the support you need to leave.
Have you for a friend/relative you can confide in?

[anonacfr]

Partyringer the thread you are linking was from last year. The OP sadly didn't go through with her plan.

[JsOtherHalf]

Partyringer the thread you linked to is over a year old?

[pocketsaviour]

I am not sure what organisations are available in the US for women leaving abusive relationships. Do you have anything equivalent to Womens Aid available in your area?

Make no mistake, this man is abusive and has ramped up his controlling ways over the past year. You clearly need help leaving this relationship for your own safety.

Can your adult child help you? do you have any other family nearby?

[KnitFastDieWarm]

Please get the hell out of there

He has really done a number on you hasn't he? I am almost TWICE your weight and from the sound of it, have twice your confidence - and that just breaks my heart. You sound like a lovely person in the prime of life with everything to live for and you are stuck with this tosser grinding you down.

Your 'husband' is an arsehole. It doesn't matter if you weighed 6 stone or 26 stone, the way he is treating you is shitty, shallow and downright abusive. He'd rather you make yourself miserable to conform to some ridiculous ideal than be happy and healthy? Who the hell does he think he is???

Have you thought about contacting womens' aid? I know it feels like a big step but they aren't just there for people who are being physically abused - they can also offer advice on emotional/mental abuse like you are experiencing. And please don't doubt that it is abuse. He is not normal. Normal people do not behave like this.

I'll bet this year's salary that he doesn't look like Brad Pitt either! What a tosser.

Please keep posting, we are all here for you

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Blue I'd say your H is too ugly to have sex with. Infact too ugly to even stay in a relationship with. I dont mean physical ugly either, he's ugly, ugly, ugly to the core and he knows it.

He wants you to have no self esteem, so you wont leave him.

You are looking amazing, you should be celebrating your amazingness instead of feeling ashamed of what you look like.

[ineedabodytransplant]

Blueeyes,

I've had a look at your profile photos and I have to say you're pretty yummy

Your OH is a controlling bastard and going on your posts he is getting worse.

I used to work with a bloke many years ago. Used to socialise with him and his wife. She was a lovely lady, very pretty and petite. He had the same thoughts on woman your baggage has. Started off with the no perfume 'rule', then his partner wasn't allowed any money, wasn't allowed to go shopping. She was always dieting to please him and I wanted to tell her she didn't need to but thought it wasn't my place. You could see she lost any breasts and hips she had. She became a 'little girl'. I started to reduce time with him but that meant we lost touch with her. Eventually she got in contact a few years ago. She'd finally found the courage and sense to leave him and then met another bloke. She's very happily married now, blooming with having her real figure back, and like you she's still pretty hot.

Your husband is a limp dicked waste of skin and air.

I'm so angry on your behalf. It's not your fault he can't get it up. I wouldn't have that problem

[Hobbitwife001]

Yes, I'd say you need to lose some weight, OP, 180 pounds of twat
He's terribly offended at your asking a valid question?
He's just trying to make his erectile dysfunction your fault, he's an abusive arse, and You are not the cause of of it, you are a healthy weight.

[Admiraltea]

Take good care of yourself and congratulations for having the courage to post again. Many wise women here will come to support but i just want to send you the strength to keep reaching out...a new life is out there for you.

[blueeyesindallas]

Dear Mumsnet friends, as the Op of this thread I am sad to say I have continued to put up with this issue regarding my weight from my husband and my self esteem is just shattered. I have been dealing with this issue off and on for almost two years now and now he is trying to dictate what I can eat and drink. Please pray for strength for me to get out of this unhealthy relationship. I feel so emotionally abused to be called fat at 115 lbs and at 5ft 5in tall.

[Snog]

You deserve better than this OP. I hope that you decide to take back control of your own life and choose to only surround yourself with people who respect and value you and make you feel good. You only have one life and it is too short to waste on a partner who doesn't respect you and value you. Trying to control another adult is way out of order.
This man doesn't sound nice to be with.

[Martin1984]

He sounds an absolute arse.

[DillydollyRIP]

Sorry to hear your dh is acting like this towards you. You are not in the slightest bit fat or unattractive. He is the one with the problem, not you.

[hellsbellsmelons]

There's usually more to these things.
He sounds awful.
You can't wear perfume!?
He's a controlling abuser and you are now realising this.
Very glad you posted on here.
You know what to do now.
Get some legal advice and get him away from you and your DC!