Partner says I am too fat to have sex with

[blueeyesindallas]

I am 47 years old with one child. I have been married to my spouse for almost three years. A year ago I weighed 114 and became very ill and had two major surgeries. After the illness I weighed 102 and was weak and frail. My husband was very loving and attentive and interested in sex when I was 102. I have gained back up to 115 and my husband told me in the middle of being intimate that the reason he could not maintain an erection was because of all the weight I have gained. I am devastated beyond words. I feel like I should try to get back down to 102 so that I will be worthy of his attention.

[pocketsaviour]

I am not sure what organisations are available in the US for women leaving abusive relationships. Do you have anything equivalent to Womens Aid available in your area?

Make no mistake, this man is abusive and has ramped up his controlling ways over the past year. You clearly need help leaving this relationship for your own safety.

Can your adult child help you? do you have any other family nearby?

[JsOtherHalf]

Partyringer the thread you linked to is over a year old?

[anonacfr]

Partyringer the thread you are linking was from last year. The OP sadly didn't go through with her plan.

[ChangingTiming]

OP, I was so hoping the update was you living your own life and happy. Well done for coming back to post, and hope you get the support you need to leave.
Have you for a friend/relative you can confide in?

[GinSoakedBitchyPony]

an example of why it's bad form to link to old threads if you're not the OP....
partyringer I'd ask HQ to delete that post of yours, it's just going to complicate this thread and now the old zombie thread is active again.

[Partyringer]

I'm v sorry!
I looked at the month but not the year and looked at the previous posts of the OP and it seemed to tally up! Apologies everyone, I'll report it.

[Anniegetyourgun]

OP, I remember your threads. Please try not to feel guilty that you haven't left him yet. It's never that easy. If it were, nobody would ever be in an abusive relationship. You can, in theory, just up and leave any time you choose, but oddly (to anyone who hasn't been there) it's the choosing that's the difficult bit. Obviously you love the asshole man or you wouldn't have married him, and I dare say there are great bits in between the control and insults. This is the point at which many women have said "I wish I could catch him out in an affair, or that he'd do something really awful like hit me, just so I could have a proper reason to leave". You don't need a proper reason - "this relationship isn't working for me" is quite enough - but you do need to reach your own personal line in the sand. Keep working on it; life doesn't have to be like this. What's the average number of times a woman tries to leave an abusive relationship before succeeding - 7 rings a bell?

Whatever you do or don't do, please understand that you are not letting anyone down by not leaving your husband. This is your life, not anybody else's.

[ScrambledSmegs]

Sweetie, you already have the strength to leave this man. It's within you NOW. I know you think he's broken you, but look what you've done - you came on here, you talked to us and when we told you what we thought, you listened and you agreed.

That is far, far more than many women in abusive relationships manage when they first talk to people about what they are suffering. You are amazing. You can do this.

I can't pretend it will be easy. But the first thing you need to do is talk to someone in real life. If you can't talk to a friend, talk to these guys -

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)

I know it says 'violence' in the title but that's misleading. You are being abused, and they can help, or can put you in touch with someone who can.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Is that a UK hotline, scrambled? OP is in the US.

[ScrambledSmegs]

Yes, it's a US number. I googled

There's a list of international domestic abuse helplines here.

www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/domestic-violence-and-abuse.htm

[Anniegetyourgun]

Brilliant :)

[GoatsDoRoam]

Hi blueeyes. It's not unusual to feel too beaten down to leave an abusive relationship.

What kind of help can we give you at this time? You've asked for prayers, and Im sure you have all of MN's thoughts and good wishes (you certainly have mine!).

Is there anything else that would help you?

You deserve to be free of this treatment, you know. You are a precious human being, as precious as any, and you deserve to be treated with love and kindness and respect. And if someone is not treating you with kindness and respect, then you are too good to stay with that person.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Can you son help you to get away?
You CAN do this.

[measles64]

Your husband is ill. He may have waning libido, he may be gay. He may be asadist/fetishist/narcissist. Whatever he is you have to get away.