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Original poster

Should she let me see them?

136 replies

januaryblues11 · 27/04/2014 17:53

I've been with my dp for 6 months. He has 3 children with his exw, aged 2,4 and 5. She point blank refuses to allow me to be anywhere near them, her reasoning is that she doesn't want them to see anyone else as a mother.

I'm feeling very positive about this relationship. I really think we have a future. I want to know his children in the future.

Is she in the right? How long should we leave it before we bring it up with her again?

OP posts:
BIWI · 27/04/2014 17:55

First question - when did you meet your dp? Were you the other woman?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 27/04/2014 17:56

Leave it for now and don't push because you want it.

It's only six months into a new relationship.

Original poster
januaryblues11 · 27/04/2014 17:57

Not exactly the ow, no. But they had only split a couple months when we got together. We were friends before, colleagues.

OP posts:
Littlefish · 27/04/2014 17:58

6 months is no time at all. You have no idea yet whether this is going to be a long term relationship yet.

As others have asked - were you involved in the break up?

How long has he been separated from his ex wife?

Original poster
januaryblues11 · 27/04/2014 18:01

No, I wasn't directly involved. We were friends. He'd left her by the time we happened. She blames me though because he chose to be with me rather than work on their marriage but that was his decision to make.

OP posts:
Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 18:01

Absolutely not her call. He needs to get a decent contact routine in place and during those times he can allow whomever he wants to spend time with his children.

What if she gets a new partner? Will she be asking her ex's permission?

Saying that, six months is quite early and your boyfriend may want to make his own mind up as to what would be appropriate in terms of introducing you. Having read a fair bit about separated families I would suggest at six months a gentle introduction to you as a "friend" and lots of time with just daddy too would be appropriate. Building up to more "family" time as they become used to you.

But he needs to change his attitude from that of having to ask his ex permission to be a parent before anything else and on that one I would just sit back and watch because it will be an insight in to what a long term relationship with this man will look like.

YouDontDoHumanityDoYou · 27/04/2014 18:02

DP? Or boyfriend?

Also, why do you want this? To benefit you? How would it benefit the children? They're the ones who count here, not you and what you want. They're toddlers and an infant. If you've been with their father for 6 only 6 months and he'd only broken up with their mother 2 months earlier they will still be in a state of confusion and be unsettled.

You're not in a position to demand that this is potentially made worse just six months after starting to date their dad. It's way too soon and the children are way to young. If the relationship does last you will want a cordial relationship with the children's mother and a lasting one with them. Pushing to see them just because you've been their father's girlfriend for 6 months isn't the way forward.

Time. If it's meant to be it will be worth it.

BIWI · 27/04/2014 18:03

I think it sounds very soon. He has barely been out of what was, presumably, a long-term relationship before he started seeing you. I'm sorry, but it sounds like he is on the rebound with you, and so it might not be a long-lasting relationship.

Obviously, for your sake, hopefully it will - but I think it's probably a bit too soon for you (or him) to know this.

Be sensitive to his ex-wife's feelings. If she knows that you used to work with her ex-DH, she may wonder whether or not you were the OW.

Six months really isn't very long. Be patient. Be sensitive. The children will also likely be confused about what's going on, and they are quite little. They don't need to get caught up in this.

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 18:04

No idea what it makes any difference if you were the other woman or not.

I mean, it could go some way to explaining the hostility from his ex. But it doesn't change his and the children's rights in regards to normality and not having Mum Gatekeep the relationship they may have with him and you

fidelineish · 27/04/2014 18:04

So he had an emotional affair with you which wasn't consumated until after they split?

I'd back off and stop pushing.

The DC need time to adjust if their parents split only months ago. It's too soon for them to be meeting new partners.

WhoNickedMyName · 27/04/2014 18:05

In the ex's mind you were the OW.

Certainly if someone posted on here that their husband had left and started seeing a friend/colleague in a matter of months, they would be being told that at the very least, their husband had an eye on this woman as he left.

It's only been 6 months. Therefore it's very early days for the ex. If you think this ones a keeper then you've got all the time in the world.

Let the wife and children get over the shock of the split eh?

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 18:08

I'd let things settle for a bit longer and not push it. It's not been long. It may be that she is still struggling and will calm down in time. Hopefully she will not be obstructive.

However as said, he needs to work towards suitable contact and really it's up to him how he spends his time with his children as it is for her. If she meets someone else she'd probably not like your DP telling her when the kids can meet him.

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 18:11

In the ex's mind you were the OW.

This doesn't give her the right to be obstructive.

Certainly if someone posted on here that their husband had left and started seeing a friend/colleague in a matter of months, they would be being told that at the very least, their husband had an eye on this woman as he left.

Doesn't mean they'd be right, or change the situation now, even if they were.

^It's only been 6 months. Therefore it's very early days for the ex. If you think this ones a keeper then you've got all the time in the world.

Let the wife and children get over the shock of the split eh?^

Agreed.

Lweji · 27/04/2014 18:14

It doesn't matter what happened in the break up, in what the children are concerned.
However, she can't control who the children meet when they are with their dad.
Personally, in his place, I'd start with short meetings, as a friend and only introduce as a partner and spending more time if your relationship moves on. When you start living together, or if you get married you will have to be in the children's lives, no matter what she wants.
You can't be their mother, but you are likely to become an important woman in their lives. Like their teacher, grandmothers, etc are.

In your place, I wouldn't push for contact. Your OH has to decide what to do in his own time.

cantbelievethisishppening · 27/04/2014 18:21

DP....after six months? Instant relationship...just add water Hmm seriously.....why the rush? Six months is nothing. Where these children are involved you don't have much say. I wouldn't push it either. At this point you should still be finding out about each other not trying to engineer meetings with his children. Your message is coming across as me me me.

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 18:23

Of course she can call him DP after 6 months. Some people prefer to use the word boyfriend, some people prefer to say partner.

YouDontDoHumanityDoYou · 27/04/2014 18:27

There's an assumed difference isn't there BillyBanter? DP = living together relationship as opposed to casual dating boyfriend/girlfriend one.

Vivacia · 27/04/2014 18:28

DP implies that you are living together. How is he managing contact if they can't be at your house?

I think you should tread carefully. Of course she can't dictate, but if he's happy to go with her wishes... well, I just wouldn't want to cause any friction and I'd also want to protect my own feelings.

FunnyFoot · 27/04/2014 18:29

I think you should give it time.
It was 13 months (I was not OW) before I met DSS's. I didn't push it and accepted that this was what made their mum happy/comfortable.

13 years later I have a great relationship with DH's EX and she has said that me keeping my distance and respecting her wishes meant a lot and she knew she could trust me with her DC as I was clearly in this for the long term.
Give her time and do not force the issue just because you feel you have a right to be involved in these children's lives because you are their dads girlfriend of 6 months.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 27/04/2014 18:32

Yes, 6 months is far too soon. I would not push it at all.

cantbelievethisishppening · 27/04/2014 18:35

Youdont kind of what I was thinking.
I have never understood how anyone can allude to someone have been seeing for a few months as a partner. Each to their own I suppose. Anyway, partner or not, wanting to meet kids six months after the break down of their parents relationship.... Hmm

balia · 27/04/2014 18:38

Depends how things are going generally, I'd have said. If a reasonable contact schedule is in place, and the DC's have adjusted to the changes (and kids often do) then there isn't any reason why your DP can't make the decision to introduce you - he is their parent too. He doesn't actually need her 'permission'.

But if they have managed to have a civil relationship post split and it is just this one issue that is upsetting her, leaving it for a little while might be tactful. If there are other issues, would mediation help? Sounds like she sees you as a threat and some third party advice might help.

Fairylea · 27/04/2014 18:51

Well the reality of it is that she can't stop you from seeing them. What your dp does with his children during his contact times is up to him. This includes allowing them to meet and mix with whoever he likes - including you. She has no right to ban you.

However (as a woman who was a single parent for many years and now remarried) I think 6 months is quite soon considering what's happened.

So you were working with her husband and he left and then you started seeing each other...hmmmm. surely there must have been some sort of spark between you both for things to move so quickly. You say you were friends but I think his wife would say you were having an emotional affair.

I've been married 3 times. My second husband left me for a girlfriend he had before me after talking to her on Facebook and going to see her in London when he visited his mother. I was so hurt and angry I have to say rightly or wrongly I wouldn't have allowed dd to go and see him knowing he'd be introducing her to dd. (However luckily none of that happened as dd was from first marriage and second husband just literally disappeared the twat he was). Given time the hurt would have eased and perhaps I could have been more adult about it.

I think you have to appreciate in your dps exes eyes you will be the other woman. And given that you need to give it some time as you would expect if it were you. The children aren't going anywhere, you could wait another 6 months and then take things slowly and get to know them.

It's very early days in the timescale of the split and moving on really.

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 18:51

There's an assumed difference isn't there BillyBanter? DP = living together relationship as opposed to casual dating boyfriend/girlfriend one.

Only if you assume it. I personally prefer to say boyfriend than partner regardless but many people don't like calling someone their boyfriend so presumably say partner. Or lover. I suppose they could say that.

Partner could be a husband wife, of either sex, a boy/girlfriend you live with or not. A date to a party even.

ThePrisonerOfAzkaban · 27/04/2014 18:52

Me and ex had a rule, no one else was to be in ds life unless they were going to be moving in. Seemed to work fine, as we have got engaged to our new dp. Obs when we decided that the new partner was going to live with us the meet ans greets started and we went at ds pace.