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Original poster

Should she let me see them?

136 replies

januaryblues11 · 27/04/2014 17:53

I've been with my dp for 6 months. He has 3 children with his exw, aged 2,4 and 5. She point blank refuses to allow me to be anywhere near them, her reasoning is that she doesn't want them to see anyone else as a mother.

I'm feeling very positive about this relationship. I really think we have a future. I want to know his children in the future.

Is she in the right? How long should we leave it before we bring it up with her again?

OP posts:
Hassled · 27/04/2014 18:54

Agree that 6 months is way too soon - too soon for you to know it has a future, apart from anything else. And if you meet these kids now and bond with them and they like you, then things go tits up and you're off, the children will be very confused. Give it way more time.

redandchecker · 27/04/2014 18:54

6 months is soon.

The ex may feel better when she realises how stable and serious your relationship is.
There's no need for you to meet them just yet.
I hope your relationship does last but if it didn't it wouldn't be fair on the children to be meeting new people all the time.

YolandiFuckinVisser · 27/04/2014 19:31

6 months is a long time out of the lives of all these small children. Imo, the ex is controlling your dp using the children as pawns. Disgusting way to treat your kids, and i personally don't see any issue with them meeting their father's new girlfriend.

FunnyFoot · 27/04/2014 19:38

Your right Yola. Much better to introduce her to the children who are probably taking a ridiculous amount of time to get over the break up of their mum and dad. Then when the children are just getting their heads around daddies new GF she ups and disappears out of their life causing yet more stupid upset because lets face it this is all about the GF and her feelings/need to be in the children's life Hmm

cantbelievethisishppening · 27/04/2014 19:42

yolandi you clearly underestimate the impact that the separation of parents can have on children. You really don't see anything wrong with this? Whether you think the mother is exercising some degree of control is irrelevant at this stage.

Offred · 27/04/2014 19:42

Contact is for the benefit of the children. It is about your DP building a relationship with his dc which makes them feel stable and secure with him as the NRP. Because he is the NRP and there is therefore no need for you to spend time with the dc at all you should only be introduced when the relationship is stable and secure such as if you are planning on moving in together (staged introduction though). She should allow you to take on a step mother role when your relationship has got serious enough for it to be appropriate not when you are still in the stage of thinking it may become serious.

Why do you want to be introduced to the dc?

IMO it is a common mistake people make with the ow/m or ones that were soon after and borderline that they want to play happy families in order to prove the relationship is serious. That's topsy turvy IMO. Secure relationships with new partner and with children separately and then when they are secured introduce one to the other.

Step parents can make a valuable contribution to a family but introducing them too soon or for the wrong reasons or unnecessarily can cause a huge amount of pain.

cantbelievethisishppening · 27/04/2014 19:55

IMO it is a common mistake people make with the ow/m or ones that were soon after and borderline that they want to play happy families in order to prove the relationship is serious

This ^^

MarianForrester · 27/04/2014 19:58

Is it really the case that she says you can't meet them? Are you sure they have really split?

This has happened to a couple of friends of mine where the man was still involved with the mother of his children. Be wary, is what I think.

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 19:59

Theprisonerofazcaban did you not want to experience what your dp was like with his kids and how he managed the whole relationship with his kids and his ex before you decided to move in? Obvs different strokes for different folks but I'd want the whole picture before making that commitment.

Cupid5tunt · 27/04/2014 19:59

You've only been together 6 months and he has only been separated for 8.

IMHO it's too soon to be involves with the children.

Stripyhoglets · 27/04/2014 20:01

She can't stop you meeting them in the long run, but I assume he would have stayed with her and raised 3 young children together had you not been waiting in the wings for him, so can understand why she feel how she does as her life will now be devastated because he left to be ?ith you. 6 months is too early, I'd give it a year, then if you and he are still together and strong start to meet them gradually.

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 20:02

Regards the timescales (and apologies for the projection!) birdhouse and his ex wife were together for five months before getting engaged, and seven before getting pregnant with dsd. Yet when we'd been together seven months it wasn't a proper relationship and far too early to know each other was "the one" and to introduce the children. Double standards if you ask me.

Although, I appreciate there are differences when children are concerned

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 20:03

I think the only consideration here is what is best for the children

OP, if you are attempting to ingratiate yourself into his dc's life to further endear yourself to your new bf, you are seriously out of order

Make sure you are a fully grown up person, put the dc's needs first and then decide how much you are going to push for this

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 20:05

I also don't think kids care if it works out with the new gf or not. I used to obsess over the effect of all of my ex's GFs swanning in and out of our dd's life but you know what, if they have a mummy and daddy who stand by them, everyone else is decoration. They don't form the attachments we assume they will.

Quitelikely · 27/04/2014 20:07

My view is that this mother should allow her children a set routine with their father. Where he goes and who he exposes his children to (as long as there is no risk of harm) is not her business. It's his responsibility.

She is just being awkward. And I don't give a hoot if I get flamed for it either. I mean it's just a form of control from her.

I would seek legal advice.

FunnyFoot · 27/04/2014 20:11

Maybe with the GF's swanning in and out the children never actually had the chance to build up a relationship maud.

I know all the adults that have a close relationship with my children. I know them all personally and I trust them with my dc's. I wouldn't know my Ex's new GF at all and that would make me uneasy. So waiting a decent length of time would go some way of ensuring me the new GF wasn't abusive/flaky or just out for what she could get. I would assume most fathers feel the same way about their ex's new partners.

Offred · 27/04/2014 20:17

"I would seek legal advice" - really? About what? A gf of 6 months can't apply for a contact order. Her DP could seek legal advice and he'd be told contact is about you building a relationship with your child and it must be built around what is best for the child, of what benefit to the children is introducing your new gf just now and why do you feel it is necessary?

The ex would not be considered reasonable to ban you from ever becoming their stepmother though. The law supports you on that point but would support her if she was saying not yet, not until their relationship is stable and the children are settled.

YolandiFuckinVisser · 27/04/2014 20:19

The kids are very young, at that age they just get on with it: it is what it is. My xh moved out from our house to his ow when ds was 2. In the interest of my son keeping a meaningful, close, real relationship with his father i never stood in the way of them having contact including ds visiting his dad on a regular basis in the ow's home. Why would i? What purpose could there be to this other than keeping control over her ex and who he is allowed to be with?

I believe the ex is being difficult for her own reasons, not for the sake of the children.

FunnyFoot · 27/04/2014 20:24

The eldest is 5 yo Yola old enough to understand some of what is happening.
The ex is not stopping contact with the father she is saying that the GF cannot see them. Considering that they (GF & dad) do not live together I do not see how that affects the relationship and bond with dad and DC's.

Offred · 27/04/2014 20:27

I disagree Yolandi. We don't decide contact arrangements based on 'it probably won't do any harm' or 'what other option do I have' or 'the kids are too young to know' but on what is best for them.

My children were only 1 and 2 when going through all this after splitting when they were unborn and 9 months and they were definitely unsettled and damaged by poor parenting decisions of xp. Court supported me to say no new gf yet and eventually when their relationship with him was better established and his relationship with new gf became better established she became a really lovely influence in their lives, he eventually split with her and is now married to that gf but my motivation was protecting dc not punishing him.

Never allowing a stepmother is unreasonable and she should be told that but expecting a gf of 6 months 8 months after a split to be treated as a step mum because she believes the relationship will become serious is also unreasonable.

The children are in quite important developmental ages particularly the 2 year old it simply isn't true to say they will not really realise what is going on and therefore will be fine whatever happens.

fidelineish · 27/04/2014 20:32

Speaking personally, by the time I ejected my ex from the house, he had already made several irresponsible choices re the DC. He moved in with 'a' woman (can't substantiate an 'OW' suspicion) within a few short weeks and wanted full weekend contact to happen there.

My overriding concern was that all the enormous changes in my DCs life should be staggered (we were also obliged to downsize and change schools). Yes my ex should have had the good parental sense not to try to immediately play happy stepfamilies, but if he didn't care about or couldn't see the devestating impact that would have on our DC, I was bloody well going to string things out long enough to protect DC and give them time to absorb the developments in their young lives. The fact that ex was being a shit father and putting their needs last made it MORE important that I did my parental job properly and put their needs first, not less.

Maybe your boyfriend's ex feels the same and is just trying to be a good mother?

LadyCybilCrawley · 27/04/2014 20:41

This is simple

If this is a relationship you see a future with, as you allude, then you have to be an adult

You need a decent relationship with their mother and a solid relationship with your partners children

That will NEVER happen if you push meeting the children over and above the needs of the children - ever

Step back, be an adult, and think about the long term here

The only way this ends happily is to respect the mother and the needs of the children above all else - you have no reason not to do this

There is no way it's in the best interests of these young children for them to meet you so early on in a relationship

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 21:11

But funnyfoot the other half of the parents of your children does know this person. And they do (we assume) trust them. It's the harsh reality of being one half of a child's parents that you aren't the only person to decide who they spend time with. It doesn't matter if you know and trust them... Same as if you meet a new man you don't wait for your ex's approval.

Sad, but true I'm afraid.

fidelineish · 27/04/2014 21:17

Malificent not all halves of 'parenting teams' are responsible or trustworthy or even adequate. The argument that the parenting any individual DC receives need only be as good as the weaker parent can muster is just bizarre.

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 21:21

I sincerely hope you're not using his dc as a stamp of approval on your 'relationshio with a real future'.

6 months?

No. Just, no.

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