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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should she let me see them?

136 replies

januaryblues11 · 27/04/2014 17:53

I've been with my dp for 6 months. He has 3 children with his exw, aged 2,4 and 5. She point blank refuses to allow me to be anywhere near them, her reasoning is that she doesn't want them to see anyone else as a mother.

I'm feeling very positive about this relationship. I really think we have a future. I want to know his children in the future.

Is she in the right? How long should we leave it before we bring it up with her again?

OP posts:

Ruushii · 28/04/2014 20:29

Oooh I googled that and I see! What a liar!

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 28/04/2014 20:41

Blimey, away with the fairies much.

FunnyFoot · 28/04/2014 20:45

I think the OP is just so desperate to ensure she gives her lying cheating 'DP' a perfect life so that he doesn't cheat on her as easily as he did his wife.
By integrating herself in his children's life she hopes to become a permanent fixture...........just as his wife thought on their wedding day.
And no doubt her husband.

fidelineish · 28/04/2014 20:49

Maybe also to 'give' her own DS a family life on the few days she sees him? And herself?

Doesn't sound very wise from an angle though.

I wonder what ongoing support she is receiving with her MH problems.

fidelineish · 28/04/2014 20:50

any^ angle

Frogisatwat · 28/04/2014 23:11

Funnyfoot yes my name does suit me. I am very green...

FunnyFoot · 28/04/2014 23:12

Helloooo Frogi I totally just named you on another thread

Not in a bad slagging off way. I was accused of playing Scooby doo on another thread and I said I wouldn't play it without you!.

Frogisatwat · 29/04/2014 20:35

Ive name changed from jupitergentlefly. . So I am not the op.. but love the scooby doo-ing !

prawnypoos · 01/05/2014 11:46

Ride out the waves for now with this one. DP's ex was of the same attitude when we first started dating. I never met DSD until we were a year into our relationship, which was no bad thing really. Believe me, step kids can be such hard work. I would bide your time and wouldn't push for any involvement just yet. If your relationship continues then it won't be practical for you to have to avoid DP's kids (we found this). Involving DSC can change the dynamic of your relationship, just enjoy some time together first.

Maisie0 · 01/05/2014 11:57

Remember one thing though. And this is a self discipline and self control thing as well. Looking at this objectively, you may or may not be a stepmother in the far far future if and when your partner decides to integrate you both. Focus on the very immediates right now, and prepare mentally a little bit of the possibility of this role. You can never really know how it will pan out even then any way. You just have to learn when the time comes.

One thing I do know that is that you can't, or shouldn't displace any possible emotions that you may have for children onto these specific children too. You have be mindful and remember this as well.

I say this because my own mother, truly mothered her siblings, than she did mothered her own children. I think in the end, my affection were more for my aunties who were there for me. But this should not be right or correct. The mother-offspring relationships should exist. Be mindful of where and how your relationships pan out. For my mother, I think growing up with her siblings truly solidified her relationships and her time. This was always an issue for my father, as she spent more time on them, than on her own children. So, as a women, the only advice I can give or offer is to truly understand your role, and give time, and or affection when and if it is necessary.

Lucyccfc · 01/05/2014 12:11

Just a different perspective on all of this.

When my parents separated, my Dad moved in with a woman about 4 weeks later and we had no choice but to see his new GF when we saw him. It was still very raw for us all and we really resented not just being able to spend time with my Dad. As adults we still didn't like her and to be honest, it all might have been different if my Dad had taken his time with it all. (I know there is a difference between 4 weeks and 6 months).

On a positive note though, this means you can just concentrate on spending time with your DP. You may not even like his children. My step-mum didn't particularly like me because I acted like an absolute brat because all I could see was that she had 'stolen' my Dad and I wasn't very nice to her. Children can be hard work and especially 3 very young ones, so count your blessings that you don't have to be involved with them yet - they may well be little buggers, who,you actually don't want to get to know. (Just playing devils advocate here - I am sure they are lovely)

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