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Original poster

Should she let me see them?

136 replies

januaryblues11 · 27/04/2014 17:53

I've been with my dp for 6 months. He has 3 children with his exw, aged 2,4 and 5. She point blank refuses to allow me to be anywhere near them, her reasoning is that she doesn't want them to see anyone else as a mother.

I'm feeling very positive about this relationship. I really think we have a future. I want to know his children in the future.

Is she in the right? How long should we leave it before we bring it up with her again?

OP posts:
FunnyFoot · 27/04/2014 21:23

I am aware of that maud but what I was saying in my post was

So waiting a decent length of time would go some way of ensuring me the new GF wasn't abusive/flaky or just out for what she could get.

I never said approval was needed I said waiting a decent length of time makes a real difference for the above reasons. I also said it would be the same for EXH about EXW new partners.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 21:26

OP hasn't been back for a while

come on now...are you pushing contact with his kids to validate your relationship ? Be honest now.

FunnyFoot · 27/04/2014 21:30

Probably didn't get the response she wanted AF so we may never know her true intention Smile

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 21:31

could be

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 21:42

I think she had a variety of different opinions to consider for people who'd been in both or at least one side of the fence

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 21:45

Fidelineish - very very true. But unless the other parent is so bad that steps are made for no or supervised contact only then we can say (IMO) that his/ her opinions and beliefs about the child's upbringing are on oar with the importance of the other parent. Unless both parents agree that no one will develop a relationship with the child until approval from the other is gained then it hardly seems fair

FunnyFoot · 27/04/2014 21:49

Quick scan of thread and about 14 say wait and don't rush it and 3 say EX is controlling you are not in the wrong. That to me would be a majority against the OP pushing to see the children.
Hence why I feel the OP didn't get the response she wanted and has not returned to the thread.

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 22:01

I ignored the unbalanced, incensed and rude posts.

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 22:02

But even given that. You're probably right, there were more saying wait.

FunnyFoot · 27/04/2014 22:08

It isn't because they are all controlling ex wives either. I am a stepmother and a mother and waiting is the right thing to do in my book. Not indefinitely but at least until the relationship has moved on and become more serious than just dating.

Relationship break downs are always hard especially when children are involved.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 22:13

I have never been involved in blended families, step parenting, taking on other people's kids etcetera

and I still say slow down

fidelineish · 27/04/2014 22:21

And actually regardless of all the above, if the OP hopes to be in the relationship in the longterm and therefore always to have the EXW on the edge of her life, then isn't it jst good politics to get things off on the right foot by treading gently and diplomatically rather than forcing things and throwing your weight around?

Malificentmaud · 27/04/2014 22:35

Oh absolutely, which is why she should sit back and see how her dp handles this.

But his position should be to assume his position as half of the parenting team... Not a grateful supporting act who waits for when mum "allows" things to happen.

If OP doesn't witness that after a while she should consider if this will work long term

Offred · 27/04/2014 22:53

See this is where I think you're going wrong though malificent;

But his position should be to assume his position as half of the parenting team... Not a grateful supporting act who waits for when mum "allows" things to happen.

That is not a good attitude to have about parenting after a separation. You consider the children's best interests not your perception of your rights to do xyz with 'your' child in 'your' time.

If the NRP puts aside their pride and considers when it is best for the dc to meet their partner and the RP puts their feelings aside and considers the benefits of allowing their children to form a bond with their other parent's partner when it is appropriate for the dc then things are more likely to work out better for the dc.

Parents who behave as though they have rights to do what they want with their child tear their children in two.

DontCareAboutYourShoes · 27/04/2014 22:56

How does meeting the children so early benefit them? It doesn't. Leave them alone.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 22:58

OP's posts scream of her rights

not so much the dc's

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 23:00

No they don't. Don't exaggerate for effect.

DontCareAboutYourShoes · 27/04/2014 23:02

Of course they do. Even the title does.

Should she let me see them?

As opposed to, is it best for the kids? Will the children be ready to meet me? Is it too soon for the children?

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 23:05

the title says "me"

what else is there to say ?

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 23:08

It's a question. A perfectly valid one.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 23:09

yes, it's a valid question

and Op got valid responses based on that premise

BillyBanter · 27/04/2014 23:12

Yes, she got valid responses and then you saying her posts scream of her rights which I disagree with and think is a gross exaggeration.

AnyFucker · 27/04/2014 23:17

Ah well, OP hasn't been back for some time so we can safely say that until she does that argument is pretty academic ?

EllaFitzgerald · 28/04/2014 02:13

I understand that heightened emotions may have caused you to choose the title of your thread without thinking, but you really aren't painting yourself in a good light if you believe that the mother of three infant children should think it's a good idea for you to try and build a relationship with them just because you've been seeing their father for a few months. I'm finding it difficult to comprehend how any man or woman would think that was a good idea, whichever side of the fence they were on.

You aren't dealing with teenagers here, but very young children who are probably still adjusting to their lives being turned upside down. You might see the relationship as long term, but how does the children's father feel? He's gone from a marriage to a relationship; is there any possibility that two months down the line, he could decide he would like to enjoy being single for a while? And how would the children cope with another relationship breaking up? Do you live together? I wouldn't want children of mine introduced to some random woman and encouraged to build a relationship with her if there was any chance at all that she was just going to be passing through.

I think that saying it's down to the individual parent to decide what happens when the children are in their care seems to be less about the welfare of the children and more about the parents asserting their right to be 'in charge' at that particular time. Domestic abuse cases aside, I think that some parents (mothers and fathers) need to grow the fuck up and start putting the emotional welfare of their children above any desire to get one over on the other parent.

Perhaps you could consider encouraging your partner to try some mediation with his ex to resolve the issue of when to introduce new partners rather than thinking about when you would like to meet them.

fidelineish · 28/04/2014 02:26

I think that saying it's down to the individual parent to decide what happens when the children are in their care seems to be less about the welfare of the children and more about the parents asserting their right to be 'in charge' at that particular time

This^