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Original poster

Should she let me see them?

136 replies

januaryblues11 · 27/04/2014 17:53

I've been with my dp for 6 months. He has 3 children with his exw, aged 2,4 and 5. She point blank refuses to allow me to be anywhere near them, her reasoning is that she doesn't want them to see anyone else as a mother.

I'm feeling very positive about this relationship. I really think we have a future. I want to know his children in the future.

Is she in the right? How long should we leave it before we bring it up with her again?

OP posts:
Lweji · 28/04/2014 08:29

No, it is exactly that, to the individual parent.
They may take lots of things in consideration and hopefully most and foremost the interest of the child, but it is up to the parent who they are with at the time.

Offred · 28/04/2014 08:49

Only because you can't force someone to be a good parent lweji. Unfortunately. To a certain extent that isn't true anyway. Parents don't have rights over children anymore, they have duties to them and you can make an offer of contact that for example says no contact with alcoholic granny or contact only in certain supervised situations or no contact with gf until dc have for used to new arrangements and built relationship with NRP and NRP's relationship is getting serious e.g. Living together which will be supported. If a parent is thinking about their rights above the child's welfare the court takes a dim view of that.

Offred · 28/04/2014 08:54

And it is different if you are RP as it's too much of an interference with your life to say you can never have a gf/bf but if your are NRP you have no need at all to bring a gf/bf to the minimal (in comparison) contact you have with dc.

Lweji · 28/04/2014 10:21

I agree with you Offred, and I totally subscribe the view that it is about the rights of the children and responsibility of the parents.
That is why I did say it was too soon and they should wait.

But if the father disagrees in this instance and thinks that it is ok for the children to meet the OP (and it doesn't have to be a big deal, it could be slowly, she could be introduced as a friend, etc), I don't think it's for the mother in this instance to "forbid" - which does scream of control. And I doubt a court would prevent it unless the OP could be a danger for the child.

In this instance it would be better if both parents agreed on a timetable and a strategy regarding meeting other people in their lives.

Having said this, people are in and out of the children's lives.

I do think that meeting a new gf would be more sensitive if the children were teenagers.

Frogisatwat · 28/04/2014 10:56

Ohh ffs I don't live with my partner. ..

Frogisatwat · 28/04/2014 10:56

Its not up to anyone but me what I call my other half

Waltermittythesequel · 28/04/2014 11:04
Confused
Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 11:07

Random little outburst there Frog

Answered almost as if you were the OP Confused

Quinteszilla · 28/04/2014 11:10

So you are just dating then? And still think your needs to see the children outweighs what is best for them?

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 11:12

Oh I just advance searched you OP not been quite truthful on this thread have you.

I left my husband to be with my current partner. he left his wife for me

That sentence ring any bells?

Waltermittythesequel · 28/04/2014 11:13
Shock

Good work, Agent Cupid! Grin

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 11:16

Wow I have read some more of your posts and I'm sorry to say that I completely agree that for the time being you shouldn't be anywhere near your partners children and their Mum is completely right for not wanting you to be.

I hope you get the help you need but I would honestly suggest you focus on yourself and your own family situation before trying to integrate yourself into someone else's family dynamic.

Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 11:20

Agent Cupid Grin I quite like that

Quinteszilla · 28/04/2014 11:26

Focus on the relationship with your own children, if you miss contact with kids.

getthefeckouttahere · 28/04/2014 11:31

As someone who has to sit and watch my ex play happy families with my kids and their new DP including moving them in after 6 mnths (and then kicking them out 3 mnths later!) theres bugger all that she can do about it.

But even from my embittered point of view i don't think 6 months is too soon. Provided its done gently and sensitively.

Quinteszilla · 28/04/2014 11:32

Please dont bring the children into the mess you and your horny partner has made. They dont deserve any of this. Show some sense, at least.

MirandaWest · 28/04/2014 11:38

I'd say in general that 6 months is an all right length of time before meeting children. I think that waiting until you're living together seems potentially quite a long time - XH has been with his girlfriend for 4 years and as they're currently in a long distance relationship (although they do plan to live together in the next year or so) it would be difficult for the DC to have not met her yet. And my bf and I aren't likely to live together for another 3 years.

I'm not sure how much right the other parent has to say when children should meet a new girlfriend/boyfriend. I think it depends a bit on the relationship the parents have. I also don't see that XHs girlfriend is trying to be a mother yo the DC - she has her own children. Seeing as she's hopefully going to be involved in their lives for a good long time then I'd much rather they enjoyed spending time with her than not. But I appreciate I may be a little unusual.

PoundingTheStreets · 28/04/2014 11:41

You're asking the wrong question. This isn't about the XW at all - it's about your BF. It's up to him to decide when is the best time to introduce you and if he feels that his XW's viewpoint carries more weight than yours, that's the way it has to be.

I don't think 6 months into a relationship is too soon to introduce the children at all. In fact the sooner the better for the parents really, before they become so emotionally invested in the relationship that they overlook problems between new partner and children. However, it should always be done slowly and sensitively, and as Offred said, as an NRP your DP should be prioritising his contact time with the DC without dividing his attention with you because it's only 8 months since the split and the DC are still very much adjusting.

Incidentally, it won't just be the DC adjusting at this stage. Your BF and his XW will be too and personally I think it would pay you to take a step back and let them disengage further from each other before setting your heart on a happy long-term future with this man. It could all work out for you and I hope it does, genuinely. However, IME it's way more likely to go wrong with such a short time span between his separation and his meeting you because your BF never had time to process what went wrong, heal from it and learn from it.

Protect yourself first and worry about his DC second. don't be in too much of a hurry to don the step-mother role.

AnyFucker · 28/04/2014 11:43

Hmm, curioser and curioser...

Frogisatwat · 28/04/2014 11:50

No my outburst is delayed from page one!! I am def not op with a name change fail! Honest Grin

Waltermittythesequel · 28/04/2014 11:51

Regardless of whether other people think six months is too soon or not, respecting the dc's mother's opinion on this one will go a long way to helping keep things pleasant in the future.

If you are now together as the result of an affair you really should respect the fact that these dc are probably not ready to meet any new adults right now. At least, not ones in relationships with the parent who walked out!

Now is not the time for you or your boyfriend to assert your rights (whatever you may think they are).

Now is the time to try and repair some of the colossal damage something like this can potentially do.

If that means you staying out of the picture for a while then so be it. It's not like he's not used to keeping you a secret!

Besides, six months post-affair is no time at all. Wait until you really know each other, as in not the sordid little secret stuff, before presuming you have any right to be in those dc's lives.

Because it might not work out at all. And then there's more unnecessary confusion or upset.

I'm not going to assume that because you had an affair with a married man that you don't care about his dc.

Waltermittythesequel · 28/04/2014 11:52

No my outburst is delayed from page one!! I am def not op with a name change fail! Honest

Grin
Cupid5tunt · 28/04/2014 12:06

Haha I was wondering

FunnyFoot · 28/04/2014 17:06

Frog
You didn't post on page 1? I have just gone through the thread and your first post is:

Frogisatwat Mon 28-Apr-14 10:56:12

Ohh ffs I don't live with my partner. ..

Me thinks you have had a name change fail Hmm

Or are you going to say you wrote that post yesterday but it's only shown up today?
Pull the other one it has bells on!

TBH I wouldn't want you anywhere near my DC's especially after only 6 months. YOU are completely out of order trying to push contact and you have ZERO rights in this matter.

fidelineish · 28/04/2014 17:11

Nice work Funny Grin

And nice acting Frog Wink