"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
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Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Having frequent arguments with partners, friends or relatives can increase the risk of death in middle-age, say Danish researchers.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-27327325

This doesn't surprise me at all.

Hello all, will read through some of your posts later.
Has been a while since we have had any 'real' issues with dhs parents, apart from the odd attempted phonecall etc.

But today it looks like the shit may hit the fan as an angry voicemail to what is now dhs number (was mine) repeating "why, why, why, why, just why"

Again proving she is still as toxic as she once was.
If she was 'normal' she would know "why" we no longer correspond with her or see her anymore.

Just angered she feels the need to bombard me with such and angry raving voicemail. Why now, me & dc have been non contact properly for over 18m bar one meeting last march.

I don't know why she thinks she can ignore the reasons of "why"
Ffs fil is an abusive oafe, she is a mentally abusive bitch and they have affected their son massively. Even after many chances she still allowed that man to my door.
All she had to do was stop being verbally abusive to my eldest child and keep fil away from our house. But she did neither and she expects me to ignore that!!

The nerve of it! Normal people would send a letter or atleast ask for postal contact. She even had the chance to meet on neutral ground but she didn't want to do it as things weren't her way.

cleo your nan sounds lovely. I second milly ... really don't think you are being whiney at all. I cant think of one person here who has been actually. All I have noticed is that some people find it hard to really believe in themselves and their own experiences!

gtb it sounds like the counsellor is pretty good?

I've copied an pasted some replies on here to keep and read. Thank you all soooo much-even though you might not be replying to me. I've trivialised my childhood I think but coming now to realise that it was so very not right. I am damaged from it and my siblings are too.

Mil has since attempted to call another 3 times

She's nothing if not persistent, pumpkin :(

oh good grief pumpkin. I hope you can manage to keep your husband from being too badly affected.

Dealing with people like that is like dealing with aliens isnt it? they seem to experience a different reality from everyone else

Meerka, I think she seems quite good. It helps to have someone else say I need boundaries and that she needs to respect my space and boundaries. I find myself thinking things through afterwards and things sort of fall into place a bit IYSwIM? I'm beginning to believe a bit that it's not awful of me to solve her problems, the little niggling voice that says if she's lonely/annoyed/depressed etc it's up to me to solve it (and maybe sometimes she isn't any of those things but the little voice assumes she is), well that little voice is beginning to be countered by another little voice that tells me that she's not me and it's her life to live, which sometimes although I "know" that I don't really believe, iyswim? I complain she lives through me, but I have to learn to detach too.
How is it going with the baby? Is it DC2?

Hmm, not sure much of that made much sense....sorry.

Hi all, I've received a letter from my mother today.
If I typed it on here would anyone be happy to comment as I find it impossible to look at it objectively
Thanks

Mozzchops - ill give it a bash

should read "it's not awful of me not to solve her problems". Gah.

Go for it, Mozzchops.

Thanks both I will do my best not to bore you to death!!

Brief history, narc mother, not lots of narc traits but deffo some.
Last year my marriage ended and I couldn't deal with all of that and her.
She then got her new boyf to text me about how ill she was, when they didnt get the reply they wanted his texts became abusive and I have not contacted her since, other than sending a birthday card and a Mother's Day card

Mozz, unless that letter starts "Dear dd, I am most deeply sorry.." wwhy are you not immediately binning it?

She can't get to/at you if you don't let her$ you've told her the issues, a normal person wouldn't, do what she's doing.

I remember your contact with the bf, mozz, it got pretty weird didnt it with him texting you.

go ahead and post here. if you are concerned about her seeing it you could leave it a day or two and then ask for it to be deleted. Or pm it to the people you trust.

GTB what you said did make sense to people who've been there and i hope you can carry on encouraging that little voice that says that it's -her- life and yes, its ok - healthy actually, to detach a bit.

This baby is our second yes and my goodness me, we won't be going for a third after that preg. he's ...

Mozzchops

I would gladly comment on any correspondence but I would warn you right now that no good would come of it if you did reply to such a missive/demand from her.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist (and I note as well your mother has a willing enabler/winged monkey to help her as well). It is really as simple as that.

Right here goes, I couldn't do it last night as it would've just wound me up.

Dear mozzy

I hope you and the kids are well, I've decided to put this in writing as we have had no communication now since 26 feb when we came back from X.

I have tried contacting you by text and phone however you have told me you don't want to speak with me despite the fact it was Mother's Day and my birthday and I sent cards to the children at Easter. It would've been nice to speak to you when the kids rang to thank me for their money.

Apart from a brief conversation with (dd 18) I have not heard from her since the holiday despite sending 2 texts which she did not respond to.

It's only 7 weeks until I am due to come down for her 18th birthday party, I have given it much thought and consideration, however the fact that we have not spoken in 2 months has led me to reluctantly decide with great sadness that I won't be attending. This is not about me as you have pointed out in the past, I simply cannot be at the party when you and dd don't want to speak to me.

The last 2 months have been distressing I have not been able to speak to you about your life or how your separation is or how the children are. This is not about me as you have accused me of in the past but about having a normal mother/daughter relationship.

Under the circumstances when there is no dialogue with you and you won't speak to me it would be very difficult for me to attend dds party when there would be an atmosphere which would spoil dds evening and I don't want that.
If there's a problem between us I would have appreciated you taking the trouble to explain what has gone wrong. I know we had a long conversation about it before the holiday and you were upset with me which I thought we could've put behind us but clearly there are still issues from you which you won't talk to me about.

I love you and the children very much and want to be part of your lives. I realise you're going through a difficult time but unless we talk I can't possibly know what problems you are having and how I can help you.
I am always here for you and the children I will always be here for you surely you know that and I miss you and the children but I can't do anything unless you talk to me.

I have not taken this decision lightly as your mum I am trying to do the right thing and feel we need to be honest so we can have a proper mother/daughter relationship.
I hope when you recieve this, on reflection you will talk to me as it's important that we solve our problems.

If you were angry with my boyfriend for contacting you he sent that text without my knowledge and was concerned over my injury that you has not mentioned. He was trying to support me and made normal contact with you to let you know I was in a lot of pain and still am, for you to text me before you decided to ask me the following day how I was

I love you very much

Sorry it's so long

Mozz,

She makes a great show of being "wounded" doesn't she?. The eternal wronged victim, the woman wants a round of applause. Its a good act but she's been on too long.

All that missive is one long letter in blaming you; there is no apology within that or accepting any responsibility for her actions.

I did snort at this bit in particular:-
"I have not taken this decision lightly as your mum I am trying to do the right thing and feel we need to be honest so we can have a proper mother/daughter relationship"

That takes the cake, it really does. She is incapable of being emotionally honest and contradicts herself constantly. She is really only focussed on one outcome; getting what she wants from you.

Your DD of 18 is quite old enough to make up her own mind re her nan and she has indeed done that by not speaking to her either. I think she has done both you and your DD a favour by not attending her forthcoming birthday party.

Honestly Mozz, the best thing to do with something like this letter is to destroy it via the shredder. That is all it is really fit for.

Do not whatever you do reply to this. Radio silence must be maintained. This is because if you do it will be seen by her as a "reward" and gives her and her winged monkey enabler the green light to bother you even more.

Oh dear, it's very martyr like, isn't it? No apology and an excuse for everything, while still putting it all on you. My mother would write something like that. .
i don't think there's much point in responding, although I'd be tempted to write back with a list of why, but that would no doubt just be met with more excuses and justifications.
Why can't these people just be normal? It's never their fault, is it?

I have tried contacting you by text and phone however you have told me you don't want to speak with me despite the fact it was Mother's Day and my birthday and I sent cards to the children at Easter. It would've been nice to speak to you when the kids rang to thank me for their money. That is basically saying "you horrible cow, abandoning your poor mother, how dare you do this to me" it's like a toddler tantrum - "it was mother's day and MY BIRTHDAY" sob, stamp, tantrum!

however the fact that we have not spoken in 2 months has led me to reluctantly decide with great sadness that I won't be attending. This is not about me as you have pointed out in the past, I simply cannot be at the party when you and dd don't want to speak to me.

"this is not about me", oh but it is and she is making it about her. She could apologise sincerely and then come, but NO...she has to make it all about her by playing the martyr and not coming.

I really sympathise, my mother's like this.

Dear Mozzy,

Me me me me, me me me me me me me me me.

ME ME ME, me me me me me me me me me, me me me me me me me me me. me me me me me me.

Pack of lies, me me me your fault, never mine, me me me me me me, nothing to do with me guv, me me me.

I love ME very much, but said you because it'll guilt you into doing what I want you to do.

SO much of that resonated with me, and it's practically identical to the mail I got from mine when I dared to announce that I was miffed when she moved without telling me where.

Your DM is rewriting history, absolute fucking bollocks about her sodding boyfriend calling without her permission/knowledge.

I had EXACTLY the same thing when DM's H emailed me to cancel my trip back home for my 40th birthday. Funny my sister went over though. Oh I didn't know he was goind to do that, he only did it out of concern for me (because YOU are a burden/worry/let down)

DON'T reply, let her absent herself from your life and from th e18th party, she'd only make it about herself anyway.

Hold strong Mozzy, see this for what it is. Go light the barbeque with it ignoring the howling wind and sharp showers

Blimey mozzy! Considering the fact she wrote in the letter, it wasn't about her most of it is about her!

The common denial that she doesn't know what has gone wrong and the refusal to come to your dd 18th because you are not communicating. ... obviously that in itself is a threat that if you don't respond she won't come to the party. An empty threat to get a reply to pull you in.

She has made it about her, like they all do because it cannot possibly be about anyone else but themselves.

She repeats her love for you all, continously throughout the letter. A normal person would only have to say or write it once. It's to get you to feel guilty.

All sounds very much like my mil, except she has never thought about taking the time to write a letter, I guess she isn't that clever yet

Thank you so much for the response. It's good to know that I am not a cold hearted bitch who just reads it and thinks me me me!

She genuinely won't see anything wrong with that letter and she has deffo had some input as she would never say anything about 'reflection'

I am of course tempted to reply and point out all the things she's questioned but I know it would just open a dialogue.

My life has been so much better without her in it, I am making decisions on my own, better decisions, no dips in my MH at all like there is when she comes to stay
I do still feel that terrible guilt though of she is my mother and I should talk to her

One thing I know is I will never ever be like this with my children