"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Can't you just deliberately forget that you'd asked her to have the dog and book it in to the kennel? Then when she brings it up you can feign innocence and if she brings it up in the future just try to shrug it off as her issue iyswim? Don't let her win, is all I keep thinking. Detach detach detach. Like the other night when it was suggested you just said 'ok' to her overly dramatic message. Just don't bite, don't react. Fake it until you make it, but you will get there and life will be so much better for it.

good she's going to get a drama anyway isnt she? does it matter if she uses this as a drama? Becuase if it's not this it will be something else.

Do what you want. She'll make a drama out of having the dog anyway.

Well, having ignored her since last night she's started a perfectly friendly what's app convo all about her cats. So I've responded with polite chat and used the opportunity to say I'll book the dog in and she insisted it's fine. So, I'm going to leave it as it is and if there's any fuss later I'll remind her she insisted and that's the.end of it. Then I'll make sure never to let her help out again. I need to keep my guard up and keep.pulling back all the time.

Oh Good you're far too nice I really wouldn't try and play her games any more at all. Block her on whatsapp. Does she ever leave you alone?

I know I'm frustrating. I should go NC probably but I'm not there yet. I'm still learning about her and herring.my head round it all 18 months.later. I've got a way to go...still building boundaries and learning how to live without that suffocation. But things are a lot better.
Maybe next year if we're a bit.more stable money wise I can.sort.out a bit more therapy.
Maybe more about.me and my.people pleasing/confidence than her.

Bizarrely, when we're not away on holiday, yes. She doesn't call.or msg during the week. Just when I'm away on holiday.

hhhmm - so bit of a curveball came my way today. I am min contact with my narc mother, she has a history of inventing crazy dramas (no surprise there huh) and also has had mental health problems in the past.

However today she told me that a few weeks ago she'd undergone an awful experience which I later verified was true. I can't give details (pending court) but say it's along the lines of a violent attack by a stranger.

Obviously i expressed sympathy and have been thinking about safety issues. But other than that, i just felt shocked and numb.

That's difficult.to deal with. How are you? Hard to not get sucked into a drama but also deal.with how you feel about it and what it stirs up iyswim.

All a bit weird, she seemed absolutely fine when she was telling me. I guess it opens up a few thoughts in that, there are no other close relatives, so as she grows older i will somehow have to be keeping an eye on her, her care etc but at the same time i am reluctant to have any closer contact.

I know what you means. It's a difficult balance.

Mummy123 its hard as you feel you have a responsability to care for your mum and its normal to want to help, support and care for your mum. This makes you normal and is understandable but your mum will not act normal. She will drag you back in to the drama/situation you removed yourself from. She still thinks you have to care and support her. Do you?

She will have police support and victims charities. She can go into warden controlled housing or a oap home. If you were not there she would be looked after.

Do you feel strong to deal with her and enforce boundries and protect yourself while helping her?

Big hugs xx

Yes - it seems that the police, victim support really did an excellent job. I'm surprised that it hasn't triggered severe anxiety/depression that she's had before.

I definitely don't want to get back to a place where she's telling me how to run my life and the stressful calls. Sadly it's like the boy who cried wolf so many times that when something like this does happen i initially take it with a pinch of salt.

Thanks for the advice & support both xx

Mummy123 do what is best for you and your family xx

Phoned her today for kids to say hello. She whinged about heat a bit I mentioned having a stomach upset again (have mentioned it 3 times and she doesn't acknowledge it) and she managed an oh dear. Then there didn't seem much else to say when we weren't talking about her so I said I had to go. She sounded put out. But I'm not running up MY bill to listen to her whinging. If that's what she wants she can pay for.the call herself.

GoodtoBetter,

I would not put the children on the phone any longer to speak to your mother; that's another boundary you can put in place now.

Your mother was likely not at all interested in what your children had to say to her either; she uses them as narcissistic supply. She's only interested in getting you to jump to her tune and she can still do this to you very easily.

You will have no peace at all so long as she is in your life in any shape or form.

I have been thinking about sibilings and if its worth contact. Not with xbro as thats a no brainer not even if hell iced over but with my sisters.

I think siblings are dysfuntional as well so it not really worth it? I dont have sister2 phone number I dont call her or contact her at all. I only see her when she is at my mums. O dont send her birthday or xmas cards. She was on fb I friended her but still no contact so I defriended her as it just felt wrong. As im not going to my mums anymore I guess that means I will have nothing to do with her anyway now so its like nc. Im just not sad about that. I dont think I have lost anything.

When I talk to my mum I try not to give any info about my family or life and I try to just be civil and it feels like its just an aquantance talking about her family and nothing to do with me. She will be in hospital soon and I will not go see her or help as they get older as they have other childern to help them.

The one sister I do talk to is only because she has split from her dh and needs to talk or fill the time as before she was always too busy to talk and even admits she was not sympathetic when I was going thru a hard time.

It feels like I always make the effort calling and visiting and its was never given back or acknologed. For example they had children before me I went over to get baby things off them and go to dn party. I was 36 weeks pg and give birth the week after. They know I was coming and said they had everything I needed baby bath and baby clothes but they didnt give me anything not one single thing. They just wanted me to see how happy their children were and to go to the party. When s1 was pg I give her bag loads and no thanks. I just got blamed for her being broody and getting pg again! None of them have been to my kids birthday party.

I make all the effort for no return so now I have stopped. I dont send cards, I dont visit or call. Maybe I was the toxic narrc that wouldnt levea them alone or take the hint? How can I tell?

Im just going to leave them all to it and not contact them.

Also when I did call s1 she never asks how my children are, or asks to talk to them or how I am. She never calls to find out if im ok. Is that normal? Is this what normal sisters are like? She is 18 years older than me so a different generation but stil?

She has said she is not very good at returning calls or txts with friends so I think she is trying to normalize her inabiloty to keep in touch

She thinks everything is her fault and that my dad made her the scapegoat so now her dh had an affire and left but devoiced her for unreasonable behaviour and she takes loads of crap from him as she doesnt want it to be her fault her childrens and dh relationship brakes down. She cant see its herself putting her in that role now

Just checking in as feeling a bit toxified and sickened after 'obligatory' LC visit. DH is really feeling it too...wish I could pluck up the courage to go NC....but can't quite escape the feeling that I would be bad for doing this...I know that's a result of manipulative conditioning....but that conditioning is powerful....the behaviour today was horribly toxic....tried as best I could to maintain boundaries....but they just have no respect for them or us and manage to give the impression that we are in the wrong and they are blameless.....horrible horrible horrible...sorry just needed a bit of a vent...

Yougnian &

Thank you air of hope..x

Argh, she's whatsapping me with weird, needy shit again...with a hint of PA undertones. She never bothers with me during the week at home, but she can't leave me alone while I'm on holiday!!!

Just block her on whatsapp.

It's a boundary that you can put in place easily. Tell her you've deleted the app.

If she's charged for texts or pictures she may send you less.

Seriously Good block her.

She's using it as aa tool to upset and stress you.

What are the messages saying?

Is it worry over plumbing etc? In which case inform her that you're the wrong person to ask and to stop messaging you about it.

Or say nothing and BLOCK.

Google it! She'll still see your name, but not that you are available etc. Tell her the free period ended or you'll u've disabled it.

try it, goodto. if you really can't stand it, you can unblock it and say that you've got a new contract or something. Just block for a few days even and see how it goes.

I quite like her being able to whatsapp me when we're at home as I can ignore messages and she hardly ever bothers me on it and it means I don't have to actually talk to her, gives me a bit of distance. But she seems to have gone a bit mad with it since we've come away.
Last night was a big long message about her neighbour having a SN child who was shouting a lot and how sad it was for the poor parents and that she'd heard from her Spanish teacher years ago that families tend to hide SN children at home out of shame and that's why you don't see Down's Syndrome people much. Which all errant nonsense and quite frankly insulting to Spaniards. And how I was so lucky to have beautiful healthy children, did we go on the little tourist train? Any photos? Any news of our day? You'll all get why it does my head in, I suppose it might sound to a normal person that she's lonely, but she doesn't do this when I'm 5 mins away ffs.
And there's no give and take of conversations, if I respond she hardly reacts (i.e to the fact I'd been ill) it's all ME ME ME ME, listen to ME! Phone me and listen to me talk endless bollocks!
Need to do a bit more thinking about boundaries. Dbro arriving day after tomorrow. He's just flown in and is at her house (said he'd had a pre-mother beer at the airport before getting in the taxi to take the edge of it, ha ha ) and then he'll drive down. Will have a good chat to him about it all.