Hello ladies,
I am a regular but I have nc because after I finish writing this, I might still want to pretend it's someone else's story and not mine. I'm embarrassed by it and I'm baffled as to why I feel like this, but it's definitely embarrassment I feel. My lovely DH lost his DM quite young and recently his DF as well and hearing him reminiscing about the happy childhood he's had and the loving marriage of his DP has made me think more and more about my own upbringing (this sounds so selfish but it's not meant like that IYSWIM). I need to get this out and I am hoping it might help to heal - I have been convincing myself for years nothing was wrong and I was just an odd child and lately the truth has hit me in the face and punched me in the stomach. Long and boring post alert.
My mum and dad did not and do not have a happy marriage, they didn't marry for love and they didn't marry for money so tbh I got no clue why they married. I am scared to ask because the resentment they've both been building might come out and make me pity them and I don't want to. I think they married to fit in the society (quite traditional Catholic families). My mum's parents strongly disagreed with the boy she was in love with and they were in general horrible bullies who educated their kids by beating them. On my dad's side, my nan is the loveliest human being I've ever known but a very weak character and my grandad is a stubborn tight man who always had it his way, but deep down not a bad person. So my mum and dad knew eachother but how they actually decided to get married and spend the rest of their lives together I cannot comprehend. Their wedding picture is unreal, they all have faces like thunder and on top of that it's taken on a wet grim November day - so much so I knew something was not right ever since I was a child, I used to love going through the family albums, but that photo sent chills down my spine.
Then I came along after just one year and my mum (from what I know) had a difficult birth and my dad refused to come to see me because I was a girl and not a boy (I heard this from my mum's mum so I'm not 100% sure it's true). I spent a few months with my mum who had no milk to breastfeed me and then she went back to work and my grandparents from my dad's side brought me up until I was 7 yrs old and it was time to go to school, when I finally went to live with my parents. These 7 years were idyllic and I was my nan's little precious gem. I used to see my mum and dad at the weekends when they came down at my grandparents, in the countryside. I haven't got many memories with them, apart from my mum rushing to change me into clean pressed clothes when she got there (I was probably covered in mud from playing etc). Even when my parents were there, I still spent all day with my nan or my friends who came to play in the gardens or in a little wooden den I had. I do remember crying my eyes out when I had to move with them and start school. After that, we'd still come down to my grandparents every weekend and I'd spend every holiday with them until I finally left for uni. I loved these holidays and I had fantastic times with a fantastic bunch of friends. I was free and happy and in the same time terrified before my parents were coming down because I knew they will, they must find something wrong and tell me off.
I got no memories of Santa, apart from the one I've seen at nursery when my nan used to take me to the Christmas play. My mum and dad would always openly put the presents under the tree. Some years I only got a few chocolates and oranges (we weren't poor). When my friends asked what I got, I made up things. For my birthday, I got a pair of pyjamas every year (because I "needed" them), socks and pants. Nowadays, I refuse to wear/own pyjamas. I had lots of clothes, toys etc. and I was allowed to go shopping on my own when I was about 12, but I never understand why couldn't I get a nice, exciting birthday/Christmas present like my friends.
They never told me they love me, I never told them. They never hugged me, I once made an attempt to hug my dad and he pushed me away (it was after I run up a bill on the landline by voting for something or calling a dodgy number, I don't remember exactly, I was 10-11 - I confessed before the bill came and I thought he will go mad, but he didn't). My mum sometimes kissed me, I never kissed them. I was never punished and I think my dad slapped me twice and pulled my hair once, but I was called names, mainly incompetent, dumb, idiot. I wasn't, I was a bit of air head sometimes, granted, but I was an intelligent kid, always first in my class, finished with straight A's and winning prizes at literatury and history essays national competitions. I was congratulated, but not too much in case it gave me a big head. I was never made to feel worthy which came to bite me in the ass big time.
When I hit the teenage years, all I wanted to do is rebel against them. I had a boyfriend which they hated because he was too working class but (not surprisingly I suppose) I was grateful he had eyes for me. I stuck to him for 2 years and it wasn't the best of relationships, he pretty much ruled over me and I did everything to please him but towards the end, I think he fell really hard for my innocence and turned into a lamb and I got bored and I dumped him. I then had another boyfriend who I was besotted with and he was besotted with me, I wanted to get married and have kids. We were way too young and I think I scared him off, after about 2 years he started to pull away and I started to get needy, he started cheating on me and I turned desperate. It ended and it broke my heart and it shattered my confidence. My mum heard me sobbing and she told me that if this affects my exam she will never live down the shame. My dad mocked me for wanting to be a wife subdued to her husband (I didn't) and told me how I'll end up beaten up and carrying 3 kids after me. I passed my exams with flying colours and off I went to uni. I chose a notorious hard one to get into and I did. All throughout the exams I kept being told by my parents that I will fail and shame them and I'm a good for nothing. Looking back, I think their vanity was speaking through. After I took my exams, my mum literally dragged me for a holiday to see her brother (abroad) in which I didn't want to go - I spent two weeks in a foreign country where she point blank refused to allow me to have pocket money. I walked up and down the streets in August without being able to buy an icecream. She said if I need anything to ask her. I've never felt so humiliated. I don't know why she did it. I was used to having my own pocket money since I was 10 (my dad's idea). It was like she was finally using her power over me.
My one and only desire was to have my own little studio flat (I wasn't being unreasonable, we weren't poor, I'm an only child and I was going to get a job). Having my own little place had truly been my dream. I was instead taken to an old couple (family friends but not close ones) and they've been asked (out of the blue for them, but my parents must have been concocted this move for ages) to have me as a lodger. They politely refused saying they have their own habits (they were well into their 70s) and not a very big flat and they don't want anyone living with them. When we come out of their flat and got into the car, my parents flew in a fit of rage and screamed at me the old couple refused to take me because I was such a horrible, dirty, bad mannered girl. I think that was their frustration and shock at being refused coming out and being taken out on me. I then got put into student accommodation (where I won a paid for place anyway) and took me one year to get my own place and get an absolutely fantastic job (not blowing my own trumpet, but it was the kind of job people with 10-15 years of experience get) - it was half luck and half effort. Prior to getting my job, my dad made a point of telling me every time we spoke I'm a lazy layabout (I was studying full time and it was my first year of uni) and I'm a selfish brat to expect them to support me (they were giving me the bare minimum, I had a merit student grant) and generally a waste of space. My mum got the hump with me calling all the time (I called every other day because I missed home or anything to do with home for that matter) and coming home too often, she thought I wasn't adapting. I was very proud of my job, I don't remember getting a well done from my parents though.