Hello everyone
I started a thread earlier and a poster pointed me in this direction. I've always seen the title of this thread and never clicked into in. For no apparent reason the amount of posts always put me off, and I didn't really know what it was about. I've read the first couple of posts and I'm tired now so wanted to post before I go to sleep. Will try and read through the whole thread in the next few days.
Well where do I start
I'm having relationship troubles. Have been for nigh on 15 years. My partner is not emotionally available to me (well, not in the capacity I crave, anyway) and we have even discussed the fact he may be AS.
Even if he is autistic, and cannot physically empathise or sympathise with me, my reaction to this is extreme, and I have become stupidly needy over the last few years (especially since birth of child 2 years ago). I have recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and it all stems from my relationship. It's the only thing I'm unhappy with. Sometimes I convince myself I'm being emotionally abused. But I'm so confused as he seems perfectly happy and is perplexed as to why I'm unhappy. He tells me he loves me all the time, that I'm his soul mate. But I don't feel it's enough.
My father was (is) a fucking shit. He was abusive (mentally and physically) and my mum left him when I was small. But he let coming back. I witnessed beatings and was scared witless of him. He's a Muslim and made no bones about telling me I was unwanted as I was female. At Christmas he would tell me father Christmas didn't exist and used to pull the heads off my dolls and throw them at the wall. He would tell me I was going to hell because I went to a Catholic school. When my sister went to his home country in Egypt, he gave her false travellers cheques and when she was arrested he ran off and left her in a jail cell for 2 days. She was 16 years old.
I could go on. And on.
So, what I'm asking is, am I projecting the issues I have with my father onto my partner?
My partner is not completely innocent in this either. A couple of examples are, him not being there to pick me up after an abortion, and not being there to emotionally support of afterwards. A few years later I wanted to get married so proposed. Only to call it off after he made it clear it wasn't what he wanted. A few weeks ago he told me he had planned to propose once, but I had been a cow that day and so he changed his mind and decided not to ask me. He knows how much I want marriage, and it's like he is deliberately keeping it from me to keep me in line, or control me. I don't know, am I making a fuss of nothing? I'm so utterly confused and sad.
So sorry to just jump in hijack the thread. I don't even know if anyone will be in the slightest bit interested or even able to help. I've written this monumental post, haven't read it back, I'm tired so I'm just going to post and hope for the best.
I have my first counselling session tomorrow. Did I mention I'm depressed and anxious? 
thanks for reading X