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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

994 replies

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 26/04/2014 13:39

Thread opener here: webaunty.co.uk/mumsnet/
You may need to right-click and 'unblock' it after downloading it.

It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 01/08/2014 16:21

Argh, project a total shit fest, will lose loads of money on it....feeds into my feelings of uselessness. Need to switch off from it. I struggle with worrying I'm fucking up my eldest too, sometimes feel crap about.everything i do.

mampam · 01/08/2014 17:22

GoodtoBetter just acknowledging that you do not want your children to have a childhood like yours or for them to feel the way you did is a great step in the right direction. You don't need to feel crap about everything you do. Thanks

spanky2 · 01/08/2014 18:41

I think it is really understandable that we find parenting difficult, we have no role models. What is different (so DH tells me,) is that we are aware when we do make a mistake and acknowledge it. But be mindful that we have been raised to be critical of ourselves. I spent Monday in deep depression and in the p.m unable to stay awake or speak. Yes I have beaten myself up about that and worry about what sort of role model/ parent I am.

Hissy · 01/08/2014 19:32

Can I point out the Bleeding Obvious here for a moment...

If you think that you are fucking up, if you're worried about how your decisions affect them, how best you can love them, protect and nurture them, believe me, you're NOT fucking up, and you're NOT repeating your DMs mistakes.

They don't think they're wrong. Remember?

As a CBT therapist told me when I said I thought I was going mad 'Mad people don't think they're mad, they think everyone ELSE is'

It'll be ok. Promise.

GoodtoBetter · 01/08/2014 20:13

Thanks everyone. Has been a horrible day work wise. Client arguing about errors and refusing to pay in full. There are errors, but that's why any decent agency pays a proofer. Now they're saying I'm liable for the cost of proofing. Not fair, but not a lot I can do about it eccept never work for them again, but it feeds a bit into my worries that I'm actually a bit crap and maybe I'm just kidding myself. But I know that's not true really. It's them not me. What's done is done, I wasn't excepting to earn that money so whatever they eventually pay will be a bonus.
Then, Meerka struck a chord with her post as I often feel I'm too hard on DS, but you're right again, I am as good a parent as I can be. I do my best. He drove me to distraction, running off into the road last week and I.smacked him. Sad Felt like shit. So I sat him down and apologised and said.I.was wrong to do it and I loved him. I hope he remembers that rather than the smack.

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 01/08/2014 21:27

I'm just checking in. I've had a week of not leaving the house, barely eating and evenings sat cradling glasses of baileys and feeling broken and desperately lost.

Today at about 6pm ish I decided I'd had enough of feeling like this. I utterly refuse to allow anyone or anyone's behaviour to define my feelings. I will not be broken by this, not now when I endured so much as a child, as a teenager, as a 21yo fleeing into a refuge. I will not be broken by a woman who means less to me than acquaintances and strangers. I have decided to take the radical step of denouncing her as my mother. I deny her as my mother, I deny her words the power to hurt me, I deny her actions to power to make even the slightest impression on my world.

Just thinking those thoughts was like a huge weight lifting. All of it, years of pain and scars only hurt me if I give them power and I'm chosing not to. I'm separating myself from all of them, my mothers sisters, my stepfathers family, my brother. I don't think I can save him without hurting myself in the process. When he is older, old enough to be able to make choices I will get in touch, and I'm sure he will know I will always be there. But I can't go wading in, without risking myself and as a single parent, my children need me to be strong and well. I need to put mine and their needs above anyone else's now.

It makes my future a lot easier. I can move back to where my daughter was born without my mother firing guilt at me until I change my mind. I can admit that I'm not religious anymore, I can admit that my children will not be christened, that they will be spending half of Xmas with their Dad, that I am bisexual, that I will always dye my hair red and it isn't just a phase. I can breathe out again.

I can't say all of the above to anyone in RL without them looking at me oddly and saying "but she's your mum" so I had to say it on here. Apologies for the self indulgent rant, but I feel much better now! Smile

GoodtoBetter · 01/08/2014 21:52

Good for you, Shadow! Xxx

Meerka · 01/08/2014 22:55

shadow go woman!

MushroomSoup · 02/08/2014 01:08

Hurray for Shadow!

You are on your way to FABULOUSNESS!

knackeredknitter · 02/08/2014 02:33

Hello I have never posted on here before, but have been recommended it during different name changes.
A bit about me (yawn) I am 47 and was physically abused by both parents and sexually abused by my father. I had been pretty well groomed and didn't realise what was going on until I was around 11 and did sex ed at school. I then went into some sort of trauma, stopped washing, etc and stopped eating. I ended up in hospital, and on anti-depressants by age of 15. My mother had already told me to never talk to social workers so I never did. I was desperate for her approval and love so would have done anything. She often left me at home alone with him at weekends which is when the worst of it happened, but I have blacked out most of it. My siblings were neglected and emotionally abused but now live a merry life of denial and fantasy.
I am NC with both parents, and only talk to one sibling. However she does bully me in various ways, and I am afraid of upsetting her.
I am now a single parent to 5 children, having married two complete turds (not at the same time), and 3 of my children are autistic.

textfan · 02/08/2014 03:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoodtoBetter · 02/08/2014 09:57

textfan welcome! I think you should cut them all off, they sound like nothing more than pain and stress and upset and not worthy of your time. Can you start by distancing yourself.
I wanted to ask a question....Does anyone find all this stuff worse when they have their periods? I always feel, I don't know....sadSad when I have my period and it's all focusing around this piece of work that went wrong last week. I keep wondering why it's upsetting me so much (had a nightmare about it last night) and why it's making me feel like such a little girl or a fraud or something, like I'm playing at being grown up. Know I need to shake it off, like a black cloud following me. Then woke up with heavy period (had to change sheets, horrible) and thought....hmm. Maybe that's part of it.
Sorry, SO trivial, just a bit thrown by how down I feel.

financialwizard · 03/08/2014 18:47

Hi all, just wanted to say that so much of what has been written before strikes a nerve, and so much of my experience is not as bad as others have described.

My Dad was forces, so away a lot when I was growing up, well until 11 anyway. So it was just Mum and I until then for the most part. Mum and I have always 'banged heads' for as long as I can remember. At first I thought it was my fault, that I was a difficult child. As I have grown up and had children of my own I have slowly realised that actually it can't have been all me.

When I was 16 I left home and moved into tied accommodation with my job. I loved it, this was before the time that mobile phones existed so couldn't call home very often so quickly became independent. Anyway fast forward a few months and I was encouraged to 'come home' to pursue a different career. So I started working in nursing and lived at home until I decided that actually I did want to continue with what I was doing before. Mum refused to let me so I upped and left, packing my car up and just going. She didn't talk to me for 3 years which is when I had my little boy. At that point I got the 'I told you so' speech because I was also getting divorced and having to move in with her because I had nowhere to live. Thankfully someone saved me and lent me money towards a deposit for a house and I got out of hers.

For a long time I was a single parent bowing down to her demands because she helped me in so many ways allofthemwithconditions . Then I remarried, moved overseas, had another child and lived my life the way I wanted to. Then my husbands job brought us back home and she started up again, and I LET her, why did I let her back in my life? Why did I start talking to her again? Why the hell am I so dependent on her flaming approval?

My husband and I bought our home, she had an opinion on that. We had the kitchen done, she had an opinion on that. If she doesn't like something she sulks and pouts and ignores and gives you the chuffing silent treatment until she gets her own way. Why do I always capitulate? Why do I do it?

My child misplaced something of hers not so long ago whichsheletmychildplaywith and she went nuts at her and was interrogating her repeatedly about it when I got round to pick my child up. My child is 4. No way am I going to let her be that way with my kids. My eldest is already resentful of the way my Mum is. She buys things that are inappropriate. My youngest (4) received a family heirloom for Christmas for instance, something that could easily be damaged and really is not appropriate for their age. I am not ungrateful, I just don't understand why she does this and then goes crazy if the item is out away for when the children are older or if the item is damaged.

All through my life I have felt I am not good enough, and I hate that feeling deep inside that I am a continual disappointment. I feel utterly worthless sometimes, even though I have two children who love me dearly eventhoughoneisatestyteenager and a wonderful loving husband. I know I am lucky and I really know what I need to do deep down but I am scared.

financialwizard · 03/08/2014 18:49

Sorry that is so long. I didn't think it would be - I just needed to get some of what happened out of my system.

Worst thing is my Nan knows what my Mum is like and she hates it but she has to tolerate it because she lives with her and has no choice. My Dad also does, and he is also always wrong.

Meerka · 03/08/2014 20:11

why do you keep going back? Because when we grow up, if something is (seriously) wrong with the parenting then the child often keeps going back and back to try to find the love that wasn't there. Even when she grows up. (does that make sense? I hope so!)

I was taught that the parenting process is, in a nutshell, giving lots and lots of love and the tools to survive as a rounded adult. Rounded adults don't need the love the way insufficiently-parented adults do. If that love isn't given unconditionally and properly then we crave it even when we're grown up.

So yeah, you keep hoping and hoping and hoping she'll praise you and consider you good-enough. You keep going back in that hope. Feeling you are a continual disappointment is because the bar was set too high, maybe deliberately maybe not.

Maybe all that is psychobabble but it sort of makes sense to me.

Hello knitted and textfan ... welcome

CatteLady · 03/08/2014 20:42

Meerka, that's really in a nutshell what I've been trying to tell myself for ages. Thank you.

financialwizard · 04/08/2014 16:20

Feeling massively stressed out over a text received from my Dad saying he had seen my car and asking where I was. I shouldn't let them get to me should I?

Meerka · 04/08/2014 16:30

no, but damn its nearly impossible not to for a very very long time.

are you in regular contact or low contact? Given how she is with your children LC seems the best way to go, or even NC.

textfan do you have a supportive partner? your gut instinct is telling you to cut them off. An outside perspective from someone who knows you all would be helpful as a double-checking thing. Failing that, then your gut instinct is telling you to cut them off. Does your head agree? If it does, the decision is easy. If it doesn't, then it's harder; maybe go low contact or simply avoid them for a bit until you feel you can handle them better.

DementedTiger · 04/08/2014 17:47

I feel like a fraud posting on this thread, because I didn't have an unhappy childhood. I've never been abused or mistreated by my parents, but I was advised to post in here because of another thread I started yesterday.

Ok so here goes my parents always drank at home. I don't remember a time when they didn't, they were never violent or nasty with it, but every night my dad would have a four pack, maybe more, of lager in front of the TV, my mum a bottle, maybe more, of wine. I grew up thinking this was normal and that all parents did it, it was only as I got older and started staying over at friends houses that I realised that it wasn't normal and that other peoples parent didn't drink like that. Hell, some of them sat in front of the telly and nursed cup of tea! It was a revelation.

This has gone on and on for as long as I can remember, but then a couple of years ago my dad suddenly decided to cut right back on his alcohol consumption. He now rarely drinks in the week, he's lost weight, sleeps better and feels better in himself. He looks so well now.

My mum is a different story, she has continued to drink in fact I think she's got worse. She can easily get through two bottles of wine an evening and always passes out on the sofa in front of the TV until my dad makes her go to bed. The excuses she uses are endless, she needs it to "unwind" if she stops drinking in the week when she goes out with friends and drinks it will go to head and she won't be able to take the pace, she can't sleep without etc.

When she goes out she is a nightmare, and she frequently shows us up. She gets loud lairy and and is often rude to friends, family and even strangers. She usually ends up being unable to stand and having to be carried home.Privately my dad has told me he is embarrassed by her, but he doesn't want to say anything because he knows what will happen, she's very sensitive about the subject of her drinking and goes mad if anyone so much as makes a joke about it. She struggles to take criticism anyway, but this really is the elephant in the room. I've also heard family members talking about her drinking behind her back, but she'd explode if she ever heard them.

I'm tired of it. If she wants to drink herself into oblivion I'm not going to stop her, but it's impacting on all our lives now and it's really not fair. I know the solution is to minimise contact when she drinks, but I don't see why I should avoid family parties just because she makes a show of herself? When soba she's a perfectly fine mum, albeit a little controlling and over bearing at times, but drunk she's a nightmare. My dad is now a pensioner and he shouldn't have to be carrying a pissed up woman about like this, it's a disgrace.

I'm so fucking angry at her delusion and her selfishness!

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 04/08/2014 18:36

Welcome.

Demented that's very difficult and frustrating. She's behaving like a teen out on the town. It is horribly embarrassing. The fact you can't being it up with her either makes it all so much worse.

Do you have a link to the thread yesterday? I'm on my phone but I'd be interested to read it too.

OP posts:
DementedTiger · 04/08/2014 19:02

Yes, here is the link to it

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2149781-Should-I-confront-my-mum-about-her-drinking

You are correct that she behaves like a 20 year old on a wild night out and not a woman pushing 60. Not that drinking till you can hardly stand and are insulting is acceptable at any age, but in 20 year olds you sort of just assume they'll soon grow out of it. Mums never grown out of it.b

I think she thinks she's being funny when drunk, but she's not, she's a pathetic embarrassment.

spanky2 · 04/08/2014 20:17

Are you sure this is social drinking? Or is it the drinking of an alcoholic? She sounds out of control. Poor you. You do belong!

financialwizard · 04/08/2014 20:51

Meerka I have little contact with them. Although I appear to have got what I want for a bit and complete radio silence for now. Bliss Grin

Demented I have no wise words at the moment, just wanted to Flowers it must be very hard.

DementedTiger · 04/08/2014 21:33

I think she'd say it was social drinking, but to be honest I think it's gone beyond that now. She's not a whiskey for breakfast alcoholic yet, but she's got a dependency I think. There is a certainly a denial there, she doesn't hide the fact that she drinks but I worry if I do speak that she'll start to do so.

Meerka · 04/08/2014 21:46

it is beyond social drinking if she is regularly causing scenes and embarassment to other people. As I'm sure you know though, there is nothing anyone can really do until they themselves want to do something about it. fairylea's advice on the other thread sounds about as effective as anyone has come up with

I'm sorry but I think you and your father are going to have a hard battle ahead :(

There is a good book Beat the Booze that covers alcoholism and recovery well and it has a few bits on how to slide into the subject with an alcoholic. Mainly the message is that you have to wait and wait until -they- are ready to change though. It might be worth a read.

Good luck.