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Original poster

"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

994 replies

DontstepontheMomeRaths · 26/04/2014 13:39

Thread opener here: webaunty.co.uk/mumsnet/
You may need to right-click and 'unblock' it after downloading it.

It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2014 09:34

If you do not want to phone her then do not do so, there's a small but significant boundary you can certainly put in place today. By doing that as well you will be sparing your children from also being subjected to her manipulation as well.

AnAirOfHope82 · 09/08/2014 09:37

I would inform her that you will only call her once a week at a certain time to catch up on the weeks news with her so she has your full attention after the kids are in bed and you can have a good natter. Get rid of the apps and txts as its so easu to misread my intentions on these and I would perfer to talk to you instead.

Results

  1. low contact
  2. no misundderstanding
  3. no messing about as its harder to be rude in person than on an app/txt
  4. no need to answer phone or messages from her during the week
  5. gives you time to gear up for the call
GoodtoBetter · 09/08/2014 09:54

Thanks air and Attila. I should reduce contact even further or go NC but I always balk at it. Probably should have done that when we moved out. She always blinsides me, I'm always taken by surprise by the nonsense.
She didn't misread my tone in msgs though, she was complaining there haven't been enough msgs while I've been holiday with a stomach upset. Hmm
Not going to phone her.

AnAirOfHope82 · 09/08/2014 10:07

No your txt was fine she was mean and wanted to cause drama. It was just a polite way of saying im not txting emailing or apping you from now on and I will onlu call you once a week with no contact with the kids. Reducing contact but still being nice, she would still complain but it gives you strong boundries to maintain as the rules have been set out.

AnAirOfHope82 · 09/08/2014 10:12

She will still try to contact you in the week but just ignore it, get caller id and get rid of answerphone!

Once she stops trying and its only an hour a week it gives you time to get emotional distance and heal xx

ems1910 · 09/08/2014 11:23

So glad I found this thread. Have seen people directed here before but haven't really read it properly myself.

So many of the points in the OP seen so familiar with the ILs at the moment. Will have a good read through and then show my OH.

:)

Meerka · 09/08/2014 11:32

hi ems and ouch, good luck, i hope he can get something he needs from it.

goodto ... keep talking to your brother about trying to put your boundaries in place. He'll support you. Run the idea of making it one call a week by him.

She's running you ragged and has been for a long time. You can do this, you really can get rid of what'sapp (or can you change your user name on that or something? something to disguise you still have it? or block her number, if you can do that).

Again - the only reasonable answer to the guilt tripping is to say "Not playing that game".

God, how i hate game players.

GoodtoBetter · 09/08/2014 12:12

Hi ems
Thing is we see her once a week as it is. Nothing is enough once she stars the martyr routine.Sad

pumpkinsweetie · 09/08/2014 15:28

Well another birthday in my household has been and gone with yet another handposted card.
A very detailed written card that makes no sense to the age of my dd.

And today a cab has been sent to my house by someone, I can only guess it was one of the toxic il clan.
Feeling very spooked tbh, I just hope this isn't the start of something.

MorphineDreams · 09/08/2014 15:40

I posted before about my mum being violent. Just struck me she owes me £1000 that I put on my credit card for her. How on earth I'm going to get this back I don't know.

Original poster
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 09/08/2014 15:53

Oh morphine Sad that's so much money. Would you have ever got it back anyway?

Hi Ems

Pumpkin an actual cab, as in a taxi???

Good I'm so sorry. Good advice has been given. I'm sure you can block her on whatsapp.

OP posts:
GoodtoBetter · 09/08/2014 16:04

Pumpkin did you have to pay for the cab? I hope not. They really don't give up, do they??? Is DH in contact with them at all?
Morphine can you manage without the money? What happened, did she hit you? I missed your post, are you OK or do you mean in your childhood she hit you?
DM is watering DS' sunflower (in her house) so has been sending a photo of it as the flower opens Hmm I've responded briefly most days. After last night's nonsense she sent a photo again of the sunflower, with no message. Have ignored it until now. Best just not to play that game I think. DBro was saying she'd do something, kick up some kind of fuss.
I just think she's so batshit mad. She always wants more. We see her on Sundays but it's always "oh I'm so lonely, perhaps sometime we could have coffee, I have no one to talk to" but she never rings me or DBro, and if I say, why don't you ring em then, she says "but I know you're busy". You can never win with her....she likes having something to whinge about I think.
I suppose I just have to withdraw further. There would be no point getting in contact atm anyway, she'd just be sullen and unpleasant.

MorphineDreams · 09/08/2014 16:08

dont I would have because I saw her most days to try and keep my eye on her (mentally and physically) but after her hitting me now I think i won't get it back. But I can't afford to pay it so god knows what I'll do now. I only lent it to her so she could throw my brothers a birthday party. Which I wasn't allowed to go to. :(

Original poster
DontstepontheMomeRaths · 09/08/2014 16:18

Money for a party you couldn't go to. It just beggars belief really Sad

OP posts:
MorphineDreams · 09/08/2014 16:34

It is isn't it. I just wanted them to have a good birthday. Apparently the party didn't even happen so the money went.. Well I dunno where it went.

Breaks my heart it really does. I'm in my early 20's I don't need this. I suppose no matter what age you are you don't need it, but bringing up your brothers from being a teen then mother deciding she's fit to parent again and then doing this. Just wow.

GoodtoBetter · 09/08/2014 16:53

That's crap Morphine Sad

MorphineDreams · 09/08/2014 16:55

Ah it'll okay. I have a perfect boyfriend and friends and that's all I need. Sod them

Fuzzywuzzywasabear · 09/08/2014 19:11

Hello all back from the funeral it's was more awful that I imagined but at least dh sees we can't have a relationship with my mother anymore!

My mother and brother were 'civil' in the loosest sense of the word, dh said that when I was chatting my DSF & my brothers gf she was making faces and mimicking me behind my back?!

We arrived late the evening before the funeral and needed to walk dogs which had been in the scorching car for 6 hours so didn't see DGm the day before. At the funeral she came to speak to my brother during the family line up outside, she looked at me with what only can be described as "puss in boots eyes" (think Antonio banderas in shrek) I said hello but she carried on the db and was playing the doting grandmother expressing her sympathies! We tried to go see her the day after but she either wouldn't open the door (windows were open) or was out?

The funeral was awful dsm's family were openly hostile and blanked dh and me all day, then step brothers fiancé punched dsm's mum and then had a fight with dss at the wake!!!! The only saving grace was most people had left by then! So by the end of the day everyone had fallen out!?

I went to see my dad and my dsm the day after and after a bit of a heated exchange we discovered my mum has been manipulating the situation to make trouble!

Basically she rang my dad and told him & dsm I was going to kick off at them at the funeral! Which is why we got blanked all day and her family were giving me evils! Fortunately we've managed to sort it all out and left yesterday on good terms!

Can someone please explain why the fuck my mother would set me up like that?! I can't really comprehend it!?

The positives I am taking away is that I now know that we have to go NC and can move forward knowing our lives will be healthier and happier without them, dh promises to not push me into contact.

Thank you everyone for all your advice, we both feel physically drained but I do feel more positive and less conflicted I was questioning if it was me but I am now completely sure there is something wrong with both DGm & dM x

MorphineDreams · 09/08/2014 19:14

Hope you're okay fuzzy

Fuzzywuzzywasabear · 09/08/2014 19:58

I am thanks morphine feeling weirdly serene at the moment, I think it's because I know this time I definitely did nothing wrong and she still misbehaved I feel like the weight I've been carrying since the wedding has been lifted......I feel like I can be a bit stronger with them now.

Your situation sounds awful :-( I know it doesn't help this time but next time if she asks for money for your brothers could you ask her what she needs then buy that for them yourself? You know the money has definitely gone to them then? x

AnAirOfHope82 · 09/08/2014 20:07

Fuzzy it sounds posative, im gald your dh is more supportive ((((((hugs))))))

Mophine do you have any paperwork that the money was for her or given to her? You might just have to write it off and count it as an expensive life lesson, dont give money to anyone. I wish you good luck and strength for the future xx

Meerka · 09/08/2014 20:14

fuzzy it sounds horrendous but .... it's all to the good. If your husband sees now, it's all been worth it.

Mostly I'm glad that you sorted it out with your dad and stepmother before you left. If you hadn't done that the bad feeling would have lingered. Your stepmother must think your mother is beyond crazy now.

morphine, 1000? ouch ouch ouch :(

goodtoetter ... don't let your mother look after anything of your children's again. It's just not worth it.

pumpkin ... can i suggest you start keeping a record of these sorts of hand-delivered stuff and odd incidents. If it -is- the start of something, it's really vital you keep records for if you have to go to the police. And if it isn't, then no harm done.

GoodtoBetter · 09/08/2014 20:44

Unfortunately she's looking after (not walking, just having in the house) our little dog for a week in September. She offered when we booked it last year and things were going well with her. Ugh.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/08/2014 21:00

Can your dog not go into kennels instead?. I would now book kennels, your mother simply cannot be at all trusted.

GoodtoBetter · 09/08/2014 21:05

I'm thinking it might be a good idea, although she'll use that as another excuse for a drama. She won't do anything, she'll just throw it back in my face at a later date....I'm so ungrateful, she's looking after the dog and I can't ring her fron abroad every day. What I might do is tell her that I'll text her when we arrive and no more as roaming is too expensive and tell her that kennels can be arranged but if she insists it's not a problem I refuse to listen to any complaining later and then just never let her help out in any way again.