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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I confront my mum about her drinking?

28 replies

DementedTiger · 03/08/2014 20:13

I started a thread in AIBU recently about my mum and her drinking and how it's starting to impact on all our lives.

Basically she drinks every single day, never has a night off, well actually sometimes she does but it's only once in a blue moon. She can easily sink a bottle of wine, sometimes more in an evening. She will then pass out drunk on the sofa in front of the TV until my dad wakes her up and makes her go to bed.

When she goes out she's worse. She will drink and drink until she can hardly stand up, and has to be carried home. She become very loud, lairy and is sometimes verbally rude to family friends and even strangers. She frequently embarrass us whilst we're out and I know for a fact friends and family talk about her drinking behind her back, I've overheard them. Privately my dad tells me he is ashamed of her as well but he won't confront her about it because he knows what will happen, she is incredibly sensitive about the subject of her drinking and will go absolutely apeshit if anyone even makes a joke about it. It is a subject that is off limits as far as she is concerned.

I'm tired of it. I know in order to stop she has to want to, the excuse she usually gives is that she can't unwind without it in the evenings but that doesn't excuse the making and exhibition of herself at parties etc. I think she's got a drink dependency and is in denial about it.

She doesn't drink in the day, she's not one of those people who has a glass of whiskey with her breakfast, but once 7pm arrives it's wine o clock and it's time to open a bottle. To be honest I think the only reason she doesn't start earlier than that is because she still works and drives everywhere, I dread what will happen when she retires because on the weekends she starts mid afternoon.

A few months back I went out for a curry with my DB and his partner and we were talking about all the stupid things she'd done whilst under the influence over the years, he then looked at me in the eye and said "she's an alcoholic isn't she?". It was a relief to know that he's also picked up on it, but what do we do about it? I think if we all got together and confronted her she'd fucking explode at us, but we can't go on like this. It's always one of us who has to deal with the embarrassment when she gets herself into a state and insults people. Sober she wouldn't dream of being rude to someone, but pissed she's rude, obnoxious cow!

Please can someone advise me? I just don't know how to deal with this. I know that in order to stop she has to want to stop, and that would also mean admitting a problem and she's just not prepared to do that. She's not good with criticism anyway, and this might result in her disowning us all.

Help and advise on what to do here. would be very much appreciated

OP posts:

TonyThePony · 03/08/2014 20:23

Watching with interest. In exactly the same boat.

However, I will say, I have confronted (not aggressively) my mum a few times, she just gets angry and defensive and declares that she's not an alcoholic because she has a job... Also, because my family want to keep the peace, they shrug it off and so the conversation gets dropped quickly and I come away as the bad guy.

I don't want my mum to hate me but I really really don't want my mum to die early from alcohol related problems

It's hard OP, you have my sympathy.

HumblePieMonster · 03/08/2014 20:25

confrontation probably won't work. what's making her drink?

EBearhug · 03/08/2014 20:31

If you're going to do it, I wouldn't suggest confronting her too bluntly - "Mum, do you think you're an alcoholic?" is just going to get her defensive. You'll probably get further if you do it in terms of asking how much she drinks, whether she thinks it's good for her health and so on. Open questions which might mean she thinks about the answers, rather than clearly indicate you're labelling her as an alcoholic.

Mind you, I never had the nerve to talk to my mother about it, even though she ended up in hospital almost dead from it on two occasions. Mind you, in my mother's case, if she took things too badly - well, I still have the physical scars.

Fairylea · 03/08/2014 20:34

I come from a family of alcoholics. I don't think confronting her will do anything at all sadly. Unfortunately they have to want to stop drinking.

What you can do, however, is to refuse to spend time with her or see her if she has had a drink. That sounds hard but it might just spur her on to making the decision to stop. She has to know you won't tolerate being around her while she drinks. That means no family get togethers unless she is sober. Zero tolerance. That is the policy I have adopted with my own mother.

She still drinks but not nearly as badly as she used to. Ideally she should stop altogether but I don't think she ever will. I never let her look after the children on her own because I don't trust her.

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 20:37

I wouldn't bother.

Bisou88 · 03/08/2014 20:42

I agree with Fairylea.

Refuse to spend time with her unless shes sober, she has to realise her drunken behavior effects the people close to her, and they have a right to not have to put up with it.

Alcoholics wont stop drinking unless they have a true desire to. Fact.

Original poster

DementedTiger · 03/08/2014 20:44

I don't really know what makes her drink. The only reason she's ever given is the need to unwind at night and drink helps her do that, one thing I've noticed though is how uncomfortable she gets around people who are drinking when she's not. On the very rare occasion when she offers to be the designated driver, she's irritable, snappy, fidgety and usually demands to go home early, so she can have a drink funnily enough.

She's always drunk at home , my dad used to drink quite heavily as well but he's cut right back over the past few years. He now rarely drinks in the week, I know that she irritates him with her behaviour. My sad is slightly older than my mum, he's now a pensioner and quite frankly he doesn't need this shit.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 20:53

Did you say how old you and your brother are OP?

sonjadog · 03/08/2014 20:55

There is nothing you can do about it. She has to want to stop herself and it doesn't sound like she is interested in that right now. The only thing you can do is step back and take care of yourselves. Don't enable her in any way, don't fix the messes she makes while she is drunk, when she is being rude and obnoxious let her deal with the fall out herself. Remember that the one who is embarassing herself is her, her embarassing behaviour is nothing to do with you. If there are situations that you know you aren't going to handle, then stay away.

Mintyy · 03/08/2014 20:57

I agree with refusing to have anything to do with her when she's drinking, but just let her know beforehand that this is your new policy and why she will be seeing a lot less of you.

Original poster

DementedTiger · 03/08/2014 20:57

I'm early 30's, my brother is late 20's. So we're not kids obviously. But still I hate seeing her like this and I hate that she's showing up us all and especially my dad.

A few years ago we went to a wedding and she fell off a chair during the bit between the reception and night do, and landed face first on the grass in front of everyone. Another time she fell down the stairs, and there was also a time where she lost her shoes on the way back from a friends barbecue.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 03/08/2014 21:03

But still I hate seeing her like this and I hate that she's showing up us all and especially my dad.

If you don't want to see it, don't be there when she's drinking or likely to drink.

newnamesamegame · 03/08/2014 21:09

My dad is also a problem drinker/borderline alcoholic. Not a falling down drunk, never before 6pm etc, but drinks every night. For a long time it was about a bottle a night plus spirits and more if going out and he is a pain in the arse when he drinks, ranting, self-pity, bullying etc. I have been at loggerheads about it with him for years and he still has never fully confronted it although he now basically knows to draw the line at about two/three units.

The only thing that really worked for me or worked up to a point was I said to him a few years back I was not prepared to tolerate being in his company if he had more than two glasses of wine and I would make a point of getting up and leaving the room if he helped himself to a third glass. And I stuck to it religiously, regardless of extenuating circumstances or who else was there etc.

He kicked off about it, called me a bully, said he wouldn't be told what to do in his own house etc... but it has worked. He now basically knows not to go over a certain point when I am there. I dare say he will drink more if I'm not there, but he does at least know he has a problem and knows his limit. There are other factors involved in his calming down, he had a serious illness, my mum is now very ill etc. But knowing his kids (my dsis has also tried similar tactics) won't let him go overboard and will hold the line on it has helped.

I'm afraid with drinkers there's little or nothing you can do to force them to confront it. What you can do is make very clear that you have boundaries in relation to their drinking which they must not cross. If you and enough family members enforce this you increase the chances of getting through to her.

Original poster

DementedTiger · 03/08/2014 21:10

It's funny that posters keep saying I should stay away from her she's drunk, because last summer I went to a barbecue at another family members home and it was when my mum and dad happened to be on holiday.

I hadn't wanted to go because I don't usually like family gathering but was eventually persuaded to go and ended up really really enjoying myself and I didn't know why? The next day it dawned on me, my mum wasn't there and if she had been I'd have been on pins all night waiting for her to get drunk and start making a show of herself, and then when she did I'd be worrying about how we were going to get her home.

Without her there I relaxed and I was able to really enjoy myself at a family "do" for the first time ever.

Don't get me wrong, I also enjoy a drink, but I never drink on a weekday unless it's a special occasion. On the weekend I will have a glass of wine of a small bottle of cider on a Saturday and that's it. I haven't been blind drunk in about three years.

OP posts:

smilingeyes79 · 03/08/2014 21:12

My mom is now dry 3yrs 10mths ..... Its tough and a long road but its worth it.

Talking calmly, openly and v honestly is better than confronting. Maybe starting with why she drinks, is it to block out something, to calm herself, to give her confidence. There are so many reasons.
Ask her if she wants help to stop, she has to be ready .... If she is ready then go to drs with her. Whatever her reason for drinking it will feel bigger when she gives up.

Look after yourself too .... Al anon are there for families of alcoholics

If she is not ready try to ignore it both for yourself plus having a go everytime she drinks wont help your mom either x

Original poster

DementedTiger · 03/08/2014 21:24

What is al-anon?

OP posts:

smilingeyes79 · 03/08/2014 21:37

A support group / charity for family / those affected by somones drinking.

Original poster

DementedTiger · 03/08/2014 21:42

Ok thanks, not heard of that before.

OP posts:

Squeegle · 03/08/2014 22:09

I would second al anon; you need some support. Basically I second what you've been told here - no good to confront her- but make sure you make your own boundaries and stick to them. For example a boundary could be to not be near her when she drinks. You can't change her but you can change the way you interact with her. I'm sorry yours going through this, it must be hard.

smilingeyes79 · 03/08/2014 22:20

If you can't help your mom this support group can help you deal with / manage how you handle it for you.

Timeforabiscuit · 03/08/2014 22:21

I would third al-anon they have really helped.

There is also a website for adult children of alcoholics and the stately homes thread. They help with the unpacking in your head.

I wish I was as brave as smilingeyes - It is surprising how much you're prepared to turn your own life upside down to avoid confrontation and upset - conditioned almost.

dnstrawberry · 03/08/2014 22:27

We have the same issue with my OHs mother, but whenever we mentioned alcohol she would just insist that she wasn't an alcoholic because if she was the bottle of vodka by her bed would be gone by now, or say that she's only drinking as a pain killer. It even got to the point when she was trying to get her youngest son to claim benefits while he was living there, he told her that if she quit drinking spirits, not even drinking completely, just spirits, then he would claim, to which she responded if he didn't then because she would have to pay council tax for him she wouldnt be able to afford it and she would be made homeless and would have to kill herself and it would be his fault. And that she couldn't quit drinking as it was the only thing that worked as pain relief for her fibriods.

Original poster

DementedTiger · 03/08/2014 23:10

I've already instilled some boundaries I think? I always used to buy her a bottle of wine for Christmas or her birthday, mainly because I just didn't know what else to get her. They'd never last very long obviously and a few years ago I realised that I was actually enabling the drinking so I stopped, and now I buy her something else instead.

How stupid was I buying her drink? I can't believe I did it looking back.

OP posts:

Original poster

DementedTiger · 04/08/2014 15:02

Found out that yesterday afternoon she managed to get through two bottles of Prosecco and was passed out by 8pm. Nothing changes clearly....

OP posts:

Squeegle · 05/08/2014 19:22

Hi Demented, sorry you are still habing a bad time. Did you think at all about what you can do to look after yourself and protect yourself from the worry and stress?

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