Hi all. I posted on one of these threads a few years ago under a different name. I need to come back to the support here. My mother wasn't (I don't think) a narcissist, but I do think there is some sort of personality disorder there. It's all very subtle emotional abuse and manipulation with her. Lack of boundaries as a child, no privacy, no lock on bathroom door, not allowed bedroom door shut, her walking in when I was in the shower to rant at me etc. There were issues with my stepdad but I've dealt with those, I'm beginning to see that they are separate to the issues with my mother.
Twice in my lifetime she has attacked when I've been at my lowest. Firstly when I was very unwell following the death of a much loved relative, had anxiety that was out of control depression. I was about 17 and she made me get in the bath, and sat in the room with me where she proceeded to write pages and pages of bollocks about how I manipulated people, had problems with anger, couldn't differentiate between fantasy and fiction, how I had made up lies about her. The one sentence that stands out is her description of me hating myself for "seeking to destroy the one relationship that means more to me than anything in the world". This was of course following an attempt to access support at school because of her behaviour. She took this document to the doctors and made me sit there while he read it. He referred me for CBT but I never went. I still have those notes she made while I was in the bath and I sat in a cafe on Saturday and reread them for the first time in years. It made me feel sick.
The second attack came when I fled a violent partner and went into a refuge. She sided with him, tried to provide written evidence once again, of my inability to tell reality from fantasy, sited sexual promiscuity and manipulative behaviour throughout my teens as evidence. It was horrid reading, really vile, and wholly untrue. The whole theme she carried through the time I was in refuge was how could I do this to her! How worried she was. It took months of conversations to convince her (only on the surface mind) that I hadn't had a breakdown and that my ex had actually been abusive. Even then her "apology" for her reaction and the document she wrote consisted of "I did what I thought was the best thing at the time, it was very hard for me, and you were never meant to see the document".
Two years have passed and we were back in touch. I just reached a point last week where I had enough. The playing of happy families, the pretence that none of the above ever happened, the lack of boundaries, the insidious drip drip of control. The weekends where she never turned up when she said she would, no text to let me know, me sat at home all day twiddling my thumbs. The daily phone calls, the invasion into my life, going through my washing, going round my house with a bin bag, trying to parent my children.
I can't play happy families anymore. She was a shit mother and still is. And her personality is unpleasant which I'm noticing more and more with time, horrible remarks about children she works with, selfishness, martyrdom. A few weeks ago she failed to turn up again after I'd made lunch for us all. I sent a text saying that I'd had enough and wanted some space. Two days later she started ringing. I haven't answered the phone but weeks later the phone calls are still coming. She's sent two texts and both of these take the form of ignorance - she's acting as though she never got the message from me saying I wanted space, she's going for "I'm so worried as I haven't heard from you". I'm not finding it hard to ignore the calls and I am feeling so much calmer and happier. I am worried that her next step will be to turn up at my house however, or that she will involve other relatives. She has form for this, I usually get grilled about "how can you do this to your mother" which ties in with mums oft used trump card "I am your MOTHER" said with dramatic emphasis.
I'm really done this time. I don't want her poisonous influence on my children. I'm watching her fuck up my brother who is still at home in much the same way she fucked up me. I've bad enough so much that I'm willing to sacrifice my relationship with my brother in order to have no contact. He is too young to have a mobile or email so any communication with him would be via the landline or letter which is too open to manipulation via her. I will send birthday and Xmas presents and hope that when he's older he will get in touch. For now, I'm dealing with the string of suppressed memories that emerge whenever you are clear of the fog, and keeping busy with projects around the house. The landline is on mute and I'm ringing people back that I want to talk to so that I don't hear her calling. The phone logs the calls though so I can see how many times she's rung.
I'm taking the children on holiday next week with some friends which I think will be a much needed break. Mother of also on holiday that week but for two weeks so that will give me breathing space from the phone calls. I know I'm doing the right thing, re reading that document at the weekend drove it home. She will always portray me as that character in her play; the unstable delicate child that needs her mother to steer her through the dark times when reality eludes her. The mother who has remained faithful despite immense hardship, who has endured the poison her daughter attacked with, the heroine. On the plus side I feel no guilt or loss this time. It feels right.