"But We Took You To Stately Homes!" - Survivors of Dysfunctional Families

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

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It's almost May 2014, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010
March 2011
November 2011
January 2012
November 2012
January 2013
March 2013
August 2013
December 2013
February 2014

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I had to poo when my mum said. I couldn't go to bed unless I had had a poo! How weird? Shadows there are lots of personality disorders out there! There is definitely something not right about your mum's behaviour! (Understatement!) You can call the police as this is harassment. She sounds so similar to my mum, but you are right about the anger. My mum isn't passive aggressive she is aggressive aggressive!

bunny its really hard when you see some genuine emotion of sadness. It makes it all worse, really. Such a pity that it's not possible to connect with someone then, givne what tends to follow :(

< offers needtogoNC a cuppa tea>

Shadows, it must have been a hard decision to go NC but in your shoes the hair would be creeping on the back of my neck with anger - rage- at those documents. Agreed, the priority has to be your children. And, you know ... yourself. She sounds just too subtly poisonous. Claiming loss of grip on reality, my biol. mother did that too - highly ironic in the circumstances. A truly nasty insidious trick.

guggenheim it sounds like she is highly emotionally unstable. I did ring somethign long ago about how parents like that tend to have children with a higher than usual proportion of schizophrenia becuaes they are taught from an early age that their own perceived reality is not to be believed. Their mothers tell them that their reactoins (such as sad if something bad happens, happy if something good happens) are wrong and how they ought to feel. The children loose faith in their own perceptions. So it sounds like you've been pretty strong to keep going with her this long and your feet on your ground and have faith in yourself.

How to deal with it? hmmm. How about trying the old method of keeping neutral? actually tuning out and replying with neutral phrases like airofHope wrote on the last page? "I hear what you're saying" "ah, I suppose that's true" (to any point she makes, while not paying much attention) etc etc. It means giving up any hope of a real genuine person-to-person relationship but that possiblity has long been gone from what you say. I wouldn't suggest such patronizing softsoap in dealing with a more normal person, but with some people you cannot get through.

I think you are feeling upset becuase basically you're being invalidated. You are more of a listening board for her take on things, rather than an actual person who happens to be her daughter. If I'm right about that, then trying to connect with her must be an immensely frustrating and disappointing experience.

you may find it easier to quietly and unobtrusively start contacting her less. Highly mood-swingy people like her are very wearing when you are around them for long at the best of times, never mind when you're the actual daughter.

Hope that helps a bit ...

having to poo with her in the room and at a time set by her, having her walk in to the bathroom whenever you are in there, not being able to close your bedroom door, having no privacy, no personal space. Having to relay conversations with school friends and teachers to her, word for word.

Oh dear god, shadows. and that is the tip of the iceberg? . Ye gods. You've been under intense siege haven't you?

What about, next time this happens, going out and talking to your brother. Saying that what's going on is not normal and that you are enforcing a line with her. Ask him to get back in touch when he can in private, undetected, or when he can.

And then talk to the police. She is harassing you. Seriously, they can stop this. This is appalling behaviour. You need to look after yoruself - easy words but it's TRUE. You have to look after yourself for your children. Did they see this awful scene? Will they be seeing more when she does this again? If it was an ex doing this, the police would be quickly involved. it's pretty similar. She might be your mother but nothing gives her any right to do this to anyone else. if you ring 101 they can tell you how to go about keeping her off your back. Or post here, there's a lot of experience on mumsnet with how to deal with people who need to be kept away.

Honestly, I would contact a skilled therapist as well if you possibly can.

by the way, I'm not sure you need a diagnosis for her. There's a lot of armchair diagnosing goes on; it doesn't matter because the fact is she is absolutely poisonous.

Just popping in to say hi as we're off on holiday for about 3 weeks on Friday!! Whoop whoop! 3 weeks without having to see my mother, hurrah! Off to Dbro's flat at the beach and then he's coming to join us about half way through, via DM's house. Also looking forward to not seeing PILs for a few weeks as FIL has been being a bit of a knob the last 3 or so weeks we've seen them. I think without even knowing it, DH and I both unconsciously found a life partner with similarly dysfunctional families. His isn't as bad, but his dad can be a right dick.
Can't believe the pooing thing, that is so awful!! On phone so can't scroll back for names but I see Meerka has given some great advice. It's so hard to try to extricate yourself from all this shit sometimes, isn't it? But this thread is a great, safe place to start. Without this thread I think I might have been divorced by now. Life is so much better now.
Hissy if you're around, how is DS doing?

yes, I do hope he's doing ok hissy

and have a great vacatoin, goodto, yay for just being you and freedom from parents!

OMG! Shadows I remember you from a couple of years ago. I'm very surprised that you got in contact with your mother again after what happened.
With regards to her saying "how could you do this to your mother?", how could a mother do those things to a daughter? She took the side of your abuse ex and put you and you dc in danger if I remember rightly? A loving caring mother wants to nurture, protect and love her child not act the way your mother has.
You have come so far, please do not go back now. Her behaviour is deranged and she is using your DB to manipulate you. I know it's hard but stay strong and do not give in to this awful woman. I would definitely follow the advice of others on here and call the police next time she turns up at your house.

DH and I have got ourselves into a situation with his parents but unfortunately we have made our bed and have to lay in it.

Years ago I posted about DH's parents. We got in contact again when I was pg with DD (4). Things seemed fine, we got on well, even went on holiday with them.
To cut a long story short we now live next door to them, renting our house from them. We took 3 months to make the decision taking into consideration finances, work and what would be best for DC's in the long run.
Unfortunately we did not know the true extent of FIL's controlling behaviour and MIL isn't a saint either. FIL walks around like he and he alone is king of the castle. I have no problem with this, he is entitled to be king of his own castle but he has no sense of boundaries. He is rude, obnoxious, is full of his own self importance and thinks he has a right to do as he pleases.

I feel bad for writing this as we are very lucky, PIL are paying for an extension on our house that FIL and DH are building themselves. However, FIL thinks this entitles him to walk into our house at any time he feels like and with whom he likes. There's so much more which I won't go into but if DH raises any kind of objection he FIL's usual reaction is to ignore DH as if he's never said anything and up the ante.

I know something is brewing as DH and FIL have not been seeing eye to eye. MIL has had a couple of ops cancelled recently. At the end of last week she had a scan and got booked in for the op at the same time. We knew about the scan but found out about the op from MIL's work (just passing the time of day with MIL's boss). DH had asked MIL about the scan after she had it and she never mentioned the op. We are going on holiday on Saturday and I just know they are playing the martyr and it will be thrown back in our faces, so it's a waiting game I guess.

Like I said before we have made our bed and now have to lie in it. I just wanted to vent as there is no one in RL I can moan to without the obligatory "I told you so's".

Fit as a flea! thanks for asking both!

He still has marks on his skin, but they are all fading really well. Signed off by the hospital and they don't need to see us again! we are off to Portugal next week for a couple of weeks, i'm really looking forward to it! :D

mampam you have to move house. at least you are only renting!

Aaah Hissy we can't move, cannot afford to plus I am pg with DC #4 and would never be able to afford a house big enough renting or buying. Like I said we really have made our bed...........we just have to put up and shut up.

Glad your son is ok

Thank you so much,I know you guys get it. I haven't posted the full story because it's just so much abusive crap and I've dealt with it over and over again.

I'm NC with my abusive father and have directly told him to stay the fuck away,so I do want to hold on to a kind of relationship with my mother but it will be a very distant one.

She is utterly manipulative and controlling,but thankfully I'm not a child and don't need to have much contact. Anyway,thank you again,I knew that people here would understand.

You can't polish a turd guggenheim, a semi relationship with a toxic relation is still harmful. Just because you have told ONE Toxic level 10 to FTFO, doesn't mean that you have to put up with a Toxic level 6.

Practice 'No, that doesn't work for me/us/the cat'

Hi

Sorry fuzzy I didnt see your post. Im sorry your grandfather has died. Please call all the kennles to look after the dogs and just drive there and back on the day. Also I live in south yorks and will gladly have them for two days. Ask on mn dogs if any mner bby you will have them? You know it will be horrible to stay there and you dont have to.

To the poster whom mother that likes to write reread the letter from your grandmother about your mum. Does it make more sence? Even if not the words show more about the writter than the subject. Burn it when saying "your words harm me none as they are yours alone about you not me"

My thinking on "but im your mother" any women can give birth but you have to activily provde posative parenting to be called my mum. You fail.

If your mum is screaming in the street or knocking the door tell her to leave or I will call the police you have three minutes. Then call the police. Think of her as a toddler that needs to learn boundries. This takes communication but it will be ignored so the consequences need to be enforced each time. The given her three minutes is the nice and polite bit on your part so you dont have to feel bad that she ignored you and the police asked her to leave.

Report her each time and then go to a lawyer for arestraing order. Call ss about your db as its a toxic envirnoment and let him know he can live at your house as soon as he is 16 yo. He will ask you why you left him with her why didnt you save him from her? I asked my sister and she said you cant just take peoples children away. I asked why didnt she call ss "i would never be forgive" "so you left me there to get abused, you know and did nothing even when I asked you to save me at 14yo, you did nothing and I will never forgive you or forget. Telling me I know you will be ok because you are strong is not acceptable".

The thing I worry the most about is what im doing to my children from my fucked up life that I think is normal but its not and I dont see it. My dh assures me im fine but there is always dought about myself and my choices. My mother never said I love you and has never hugged or kissed me (from the age of 5 she never brushed my hair, teeth or bathed me neglectful) I make sure I tell my dc 100+ a day I love them, kiss them and hug them (untill they tell me to stop as they are too old lol)

Hi guys - was sent this way by some lovely people on another thread

I'm in my 30s and only recent realised that my childhood wasn't normal. It was very controlled and governed by fear. I realise that in many ways this continues despite my efforts to stop it.

After our son was born I tried to raise the subject with my mother and explain that I had grown up afraid to do anything wrong because of the consequences. I explained that this still affected my working life now. I was provided with a number of excuses. And then it was all forgotten. Both parents and siblings were against my choice of husband as I was marrying outside of my culture and to someone I had chosen. He is a kind funny man who has always made me happy. He comes from a similar home himself so we have spent the past 16 years setting up our life together and trying to be more independent from our parents. Our life is a happy one. We have an amazing son who brings us do much joy and we just pray he will grow up feeling happy and loved.

But none of this is good enough for my parents. I received an email when we first started thinking about having kids telling me not to have children asy husband would be a useless dad and I wouldn't be able to cope.

When I became pregnant my mother kept referring to my bump as her baby and how she was going to be his mummy too.

When he was born I felt totally criticised and inadequate in my parents eyes. Every choice we made was questioned. From giving him the mmr vaccine to breastfeeding past six months. I asked that they respect our choices but was told that's just how they are and how they show their love.

Last year they tried to split up my husband and I. For no reason other than not liking him or who he is. I tried to stand up for him but was too weak. I finally did but the damage was done. Once again my husband was insulted in his own home and people had gotten away with it.

Most recently we received another visit with more insults. And this time I calmly wasn't having any of it. I asked them to leave. And I have not heard anything since. I suspect they are waiting for an apology. I feel very very guilty but I know this has to stop. For my sake, my husbands and our sons. We just want to be happy.

Kingswood123 you have done the right thing. My parents tried to split me and my dh up. they do it for control . All the time you are listening to your dh they are losing control of you. Read about FOG . Fear Obligation Guilt .

Can't polish a turd !

Thats really made me laugh although think they would say the same thing about me and dh!

Another one whose parents (narc, smothering DM) tried to destroy my marriage. DH was competition.

kingswood agreed. You and your husband and child are the most important. That's your nuclear family now, not your parents; they need to allow you to grow up and away and establish your own life. Good parents do that and remain attached by bonds of affectoin and (genuine) love, not obligation. Bad parents force the choice between husband and parents; and the right choice in almost all cases is the husband (unless he's an abusive man; even then, the parents having forced a choice damages something between them and their child).

I hope that standing up for him now has repaired the damage from last time. Takes a load of courage.

again ... you have done the right thing becuase you chose your husband and sons. They forced the choice. Even if it means no further contact with them -just how cross are they that you didn't obey them?- it was still the right choice.

I feel embarrassed it has taken me so long to realise standing up for dh and myself is not only ok but the right thing to do. Feels both uncomfortable and liberating.

Hi kingswood

Another here that knows you did the right thing. You and dh are the main family now, you look after and raise the young and care for the old. You are now the main person in your family. Its your home, your husband and your rules, you should not have to ask guest to your home to respect the people that live there.

Good on you for standing your ground and enforceing the boundries. Please try not to contact them, I know its not easy. I have been there and its an urge to comply to follow their rules, to stay in the role they give you, to say your sorry and make it right but thats not right.

Do not contact them. If they can not say sorry to your husband they dont have the right to be part of your family as they have no respect for it.

My parents and exbro hate my dh. Exbro walked passed him and said nothing to him and he leaves my mums house everytime we used to show up and he has never talked to him in 10 years. My mum doesnt like to call me on the phone if she knows my dh is here and will not stay as he is here.

Why?

Because they havent spend years brainwashing jim that what they do is right and normal and acceptable, because its not and outsiders can see that. The lost of control and the support they offer the victim worries the abusers.

My husband see's right thru my parents and he calls them on it everytime, no wounder they dont like him lol

Dh has been so patient and put up with so much from them. His parents were the same if not worse in some ways. Perhaps both of us are just conditioned to take it. It's very easy to feel like its our fault.

Mum just texted - they ignored ds's bday and now asking to come round to give presents like nothing has happened. What do we do?

Don't reply or reply "That doesn't work for us".

Thanks for the replies, my mum just called to say as I am not talking to my brother, obviously because the whole situation is my fault, either we should stay with my gran or in their caravan at the local caravan park! The dogs can stay with them though!

I suspect db has kicked off about me staying and it's his birthday a few days lafter so we wouldn't want spoil the precious golden boys whole week would we!

This has made me realise just how horrible it's going to be, I tried to suggest we drive down and back in the one day but dh is having none of it! :-( he's rung my mum and thinks it's all sorted with us staying with them......I already know we'll turn up and be shipped to my grans where I'll spend the whole time on pins unable to relax and that's without worrying about the dogs wreaking something!?

Just spent the last hour googling accomadation but everything is booked because it's august :-(

Haven't slept for 3 days, dh doesn't seem to understand the problem, he's being quite selfish about the whole thing :-(

kingswood how much contact with them do you want in future?

decide what terms you want contact on (eg, it's when it suits YOU not them, and they have to behave).

Then tell whem what works for you. And if they get rude or abusive, tell them they will have to leave. If they get passive aggressive, keep the same line. tell them what works for you and then if they continue, lessen contact (avoid the guilt tripping) until they are straight with you.

If they say 'why are you so mean to us" or suchlike, tell them straight that you have to ensure that your husband and sons are treated with respect. It can be done without aggression, just saying your piece calmly.

Whatever else, talk with yoru husband about all this. You and he need to provide a -united- front. and you can support each other. Honestly, talking to him and planning how to deal with them will help so much.

So, in this case, pick a time that's good for you for them to come with the presents (if you want them to come at all). maybe say 'come XXX time, we're going out later but that shoudl be good'so if they try to stay longer you have a good excuse. If they pretend the row never happened -well, good. if they get passive aggressive, call them on it " is there something you're trying to say?" Don't overlook it or let it slide. And if they get mean - well, ask them to leave again

Good luck!