Compromised - Wrong decision?

[NachoAddict]

So background - Last year dp and his sister had a row about wether the kids should play outside or be allowed to play on their ds. I wasn't involved but sil started telling me that letting ds play his DS was lazy parenting. I took her meaning to be in general ie letting him have a DS is lazy parenting so I replied, well you do things your way and I do things mine. DP decided we were leaving so off we went.

Next day I went round as usual to drop off ds with MIL while I went to work. (MIL and SIL live together)MIL stated giving me a lot of verbal abuse over the argument because apparently I told DP what to say before we went and I control his thoughts.

She told me if I don't do as I am told in their house I can take my fucking kids and fuck off. (I have a detailed thread about it on AIBU, I think it was called WIBU to change my childcare)

So anyway fast forward 9 or so months and that is exactly what I did. I haven't seen or spoken to either of them since, neither have any of my dc. DP maintains contact with them.
It became quite a sticking point between dp and I as he really wants his ds (my youngest) to have a relationship with his mum and I so far have said no chance until she apologises.
It had become such an issue between us that earlier this week I fully intended to separate from dp and ask him to leave.
Last night we had a very honest open chat. He admits that none of it was my fault and his mum was in the wrong. He also says he has given them hell for it over the last 9 months but he knows his mum and she won't back down. Ever. He broke down in tears and told me how its tearing him apart that his son wont know his mum. He fully understands why I hold the view I do but if I was to change my mind it would be for him and not her.

So seeing how much it means to him I have agreed yo compromise, he can take ds round once or twice a month when the other dc are with their dad, on the condition that he doesn't push it for every week which is how often we would visit together as a family before this.

So have I done the right thing? i have basically given her the message she can treat me how she likes but I Have never seen dp so upset.

Just too add dp was out of work cor a couple of months before Christmas and could have quiet easily taken ds down here while I was at work but he didn't as he says he was fully supporting my decision.

Have you changed your mind about separating?
Mil sounds pretty unpleasant but yes I would probably still allow some contact/ relationship to be ongoing.

IMO compromise is the best way forward, someone has to be the bigger person. You should really do what is best for your son, and I don't think it would be fair to deny him a relationship with his grandmother because of your negative relationship with her. It's not your son's problem - it's yours.

If it's also putting a strain on your relationship with your other half it's not really worth the effort to stay angry either. I would attempt to let it go and try to move forward.

We are going to see how we get on now that we have a starting point to move forwards. I wouldn't say we are out of the woods but at least we wont have the same row over again.

I'd hope MIL wouldn't bad mouth u in front of your wee one, but if she does your husband should make it clear that she's likely to lose the 2x month contact as it would not be healthy for your child.
Other than that possibility, I think you have made a very mature and fair compromise.
I hope it all works out well.

"She told me if I don't do as I am told in their house I can take my fucking kids and fuck off."

And your dp is crying that his son would not have a relationship with her?

Well clearly she does not care either way and unless she were apologising and crying that she does not see her grandchild, I would stick to what she said when she told your "fucking kid to fuck off". Not a person worth knowing for your son.

I don't think you are giving her the message that she can treat you how she likes. She isn't going to be able to treat you badly as she won't be seeing you. And the 9 months of no contact give the message that you can and will stop her seeing your DS if she behaves poorly towards him.

I agree with MrsBumble - this is not your son's problem. Your DP will be there to watch and any inappropriate comments about you will be dealt with by him.

The inappropriate comments was a huge worry for me as I have heard her bad mouth dps ex to dsd on a regular basis. She can be subtle but still drip poision. Things like, aw your mum wouldn't let you do x, well we would let you do x anytime u want if it was up to us. OR your mum says silly things don't listen to her. Just petty little comments aimed to make dsd prefer being at their house instead of at home.

How does she treat your son? Given that you could "take your fucking kids and fuck off" and in 9 months has not even bothered one bit, does she deserve to be in his life? What does she bring to his life? How does she enrich it?

Cos it's not all about her right to see her grandchild, is it? Or about how your husband feels about his mum not seeing his son. What about your son? Will she treat him properly? Is she going to be nice, neutral and a loving grandparent or will she slag you off to him or more subtly cause problems between you? Is she going to treat you as a family or try to create 'them and us'? Particularly with regard to your other children? One little group of her, your husband and your son and then there's you and your children. Little split there that needs thinking about.

I absolutely agree with MsBumble that it should be about what is best for your son. She's got right to the heart of it with that one sentence. I also think that you should think carefully about what that is.

Posted too soon, so when I raised this with dp he said he wouldn't allow her to do that because he would just bring ds home. He does acknowledge that she has done it to dsd bit says she couldn't do it too me because I am fair and involved with my kids whereas his ex is lets say less hands on. Dsd spends a lot of time with the in laws.

I think it's right for your DH to have the relationship he wants with his family and support your decision to keep away. I also think it's right that you support your DH to do so.

I don't see how this can be a problem unless either if you try to force the other onto your own path.

Just make it plain that if he discusses his visits with you, this is likely to be a flash point in the marriage so he should respect your rights not to want to discuss them.

Hecate your post is absolutely why I have held off this long on compromising. All my fears and indeed what she will try to make reality.

She has an excellent relationship with dsd, dsd worships the ground she walks on and I think dp wants her to have a bond like that with his son too.

I don't know what is best here, do I hive it chance yo see how it goes? Maybe she will behave having not seen him for 9 months? If it goes wrong I can pill the plug with no guilt as at least I tried?

JoysMum I don't have a problem with dp having a relationship with his family, I think he is bonkers after the way she has behaved throughout his life but that's a whole other thread.

Its is just our ds that we struggle to agree on.

From what you say I am not surprised dsd worships the ground she walks on, and I have no doubt she would try to make your ds worship her too. Does dsd worship and respect her own MUM in equal measure, or does that adoration come at an expense?

I think she loves her mum but she's not as close to her as she is MIL, but dps ex doesn't help herself in that respect. From being a baby dsd has often spent half the week with MIL, there have been several occasions of upto two weeks at a time because her mum wad busy doing other things. Dsd's mum doesn't really plat with dsd, she's not neglectful or abusive, just not really into the soft glowy aspects of parenting. Doing crafts, playing on the park, bike rides etc, so dsd does that with us or MIL.

I wouldn't have that problem because I think all that stuff is important and do it with my children myself. She couldn't take over my role there.

not sure that actually makes sense?

I think this sounds like a reasonable compromise. After all, you can change the arrangement if it doesn't work out ie if it distresses your DS or your MIL starts harassing you in any way.

Does your son miss her? Is he asking about her?

He is only 21 months, I doubt he would know her if he fell over her after all this time.

That's another reason I am reluctant, if it all goes wrong in the future it will be worse because he has a relationship with her. At least now he doesn't know if he is missing out

Your concerns as laid out in your last post are justified ones.

Your man can maintain contact with his mother if he so wishes (probably also does so because of FOG - fear, obligation, guilt) but this does not mean that you and by turn your son have to.

If this woman cannot behave then she gets to see none of you. So what frankly if your man is upset; it was his mother who caused this in the first place. If she cannot respect you how she is going to respect your child?. She has not bothered for the past nine months and likely was not bothered prior to the period of non contact. Does his own child really need to know his mother, a woman as well who openly despises you his chosen partner?. BTW such toxic women like his mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Now, when your son is little, would be a good time to test the water to see if she can be trusted around him.
Would you trust your husband to tell you if she starts being manipulative though?
She sounds a bit narcissistic to me.

Attila that was my attitude to it all prior to last night. I decided to compromise because looking at it from dps point of view, it wasn't his fault either and he is torn between us. Apparently they ask about the baby all the time and ask when he will take him to see them.

He just wants his son to have the same sort of relationship with his family as his daughter has. That's never going to happen but say twice a month for 2/3 hours is better than nothing in his eyes.

In my view she doesn't deserve it and I wouldn't trust her.

I don't understand why (and I'm a grandparent) people think that children should have relationships with people that clearly hate dislike one of their parents.
If it was anyone other than GPs the question wouldn't even be asked.

I'd not be as worried about MIL as DP tbh 'he just wants his son to have the same sort of relationship with his mother as his daughter has' - one where her mother has been written out of the picture (mother's interest/effort irrelevant)? One where he has failed to protect her from emotional abuse? He wants that for his son too?

I can understand why he is so very upset because he has been abused by her too but it does sound a little like the effects of the abuse he suffered are causing him to fail to protect his children.

No. No way would I do this. My question would be to my DH - why are you not thinking that it's more important for your son to be protected from toxic people than it is for your toxic mum not to be upset?

Your mil was in the wrong. But she won't apologise. And that's ok with your DH? It doesn't make him think - well actually, that's her showing what's more important to her - her pride rather than her grandson? She's not seen him for 9 months because not apologising to you is more important. Right. Yup, he totally should have a relationship with her, imagine what he's going to be losing out on. Yeah.

Meanwhile, you get to back down so that you can hand your son over to a woman who has no respect for you, who already drips poison against her mum into her other grandchild's ear. A really damaging thing to do, basically - no matter how 'hands off' the mum is.

This is a shitty grandparent.

It's also a person I'd make a point of never backing down to, not because it's not better to be the bigger person but because that kind of behaviour would simply indicate that we're better off without her.

And no way, no WAY would a child of mine grow up seeing a conflict situation where the sensible person is sidelined to placate the unreasonable, nasty person.

Your DSD worships the ground she walks on? Last thing I'd want my child feeling for a toxic manipulator. Dangerous ground indeed.

I know what I'm talking about - I had a similar granny, but my mum's mum. She was a black widow over my childhood, tbh. Oh I did indeed worship the ground she walked on - she taught me to do that, just as thoroughly as she taught me to despise my parents. As an adult, I wish she'd never existed - we'd have been a happier family. But there you go.

Your posts are very worrying. I would be telling my DH that I'd changed my mind and asking him to think about his mum's CHOICE in preferring to not apologise and not see her grandchild. And what he thinks about the level of respect his mother has for HIM. His family. His wife.

You're opening a can of worms here - basically, the message you're giving is that she rules the roost. And that she has a right to your son even if she makes it clear she disrespects his mother.

No way.

And this will be impossible to go back from, as you now won't be there to see subtle undermining (and believe me, a DH who at this point is mainly concerned with regaining contact is NOT going to be keeping an eye out - he will not be policing, you will not be there to see it and he WILL turn a blind eye if he thinks you might stop contact again).

Give it a few months and this woman will be crowing. Inviting your DH and son for family things 'but she isn't invited remember!'

Thin end of a very dangerous wedge. Do not do this.

Yes I think it is the thin end of the wedge. But DP is your main worry tbh because if he can't keep his dc safe from MIL then you can't trust him to keep them safe. He has completely failed to keep his daughter safe and he wants your son to have a similar experience, why would he be a trustworthy parent in this case. I might agree to some contact with the MIL if he was really upset but I absolutely would demand that she allows it to be supervised by you and not your DP if you really insist on doing it.