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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Compromised - Wrong decision?

128 replies

NachoAddict · 26/04/2014 09:35

So background - Last year dp and his sister had a row about wether the kids should play outside or be allowed to play on their ds. I wasn't involved but sil started telling me that letting ds play his DS was lazy parenting. I took her meaning to be in general ie letting him have a DS is lazy parenting so I replied, well you do things your way and I do things mine. DP decided we were leaving so off we went.

Next day I went round as usual to drop off ds with MIL while I went to work. (MIL and SIL live together)MIL stated giving me a lot of verbal abuse over the argument because apparently I told DP what to say before we went and I control his thoughts.

She told me if I don't do as I am told in their house I can take my fucking kids and fuck off. (I have a detailed thread about it on AIBU, I think it was called WIBU to change my childcare)

So anyway fast forward 9 or so months and that is exactly what I did. I haven't seen or spoken to either of them since, neither have any of my dc. DP maintains contact with them.
It became quite a sticking point between dp and I as he really wants his ds (my youngest) to have a relationship with his mum and I so far have said no chance until she apologises.
It had become such an issue between us that earlier this week I fully intended to separate from dp and ask him to leave.
Last night we had a very honest open chat. He admits that none of it was my fault and his mum was in the wrong. He also says he has given them hell for it over the last 9 months but he knows his mum and she won't back down. Ever. He broke down in tears and told me how its tearing him apart that his son wont know his mum. He fully understands why I hold the view I do but if I was to change my mind it would be for him and not her.

So seeing how much it means to him I have agreed yo compromise, he can take ds round once or twice a month when the other dc are with their dad, on the condition that he doesn't push it for every week which is how often we would visit together as a family before this.

So have I done the right thing? i have basically given her the message she can treat me how she likes but I Have never seen dp so upset.

Just too add dp was out of work cor a couple of months before Christmas and could have quiet easily taken ds down here while I was at work but he didn't as he says he was fully supporting my decision.

OP posts:
Offred · 27/04/2014 17:38

Have you read the thread at all tinks?! Confused

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 17:38

People say terrible things in arguments.

Now he needs to detach from his birth mother? really?

Unbelievable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2014 17:38

People who have no knowledge thankfully of dysfunctional family relationships often write similar to what tinks has posted.

OP has already been verbally threatened by this woman to do as she is told when she is in their house!. If this woman cannot and will not respect OP how on earth is she going to respect her child or treat said child with any respect?. She will not do so and will use the child to further get back at the mother and her own son.

This is all about power and control; she has already managed to control her son(who is a weak man anyway) through a lifetime of conditioning at her hands (he is also in denial as to his mother anyway because he does not want to face how awful she really is). She now wants to control the OPs child as well by poisoning the child against the mother.

Offred · 27/04/2014 17:48

I'd be inclined to think the minimal contact proposed would be an ok plan for a DP who still wanted to give his ds a chance of a relationship but who recognised and opposed the abuse. That's not the op is dealing with though. He thinks there is nothing wrong and actually wants his ds to be treated like his dd.

And I have no sympathy with the stuff about keeping the relationship together. That is never something you should put a child at risk for. He'll only be a safe parent himself if he recognises the abuse himself, the op can't make him do that, she can only take steps to protect the dc or not.

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 17:50

We will always come across dysfunction in most walks of life, it's how you deal with it is key. I believe in finding a way, not to battle and exclude totally, but to find a middle ground. Taking a child away from a grandparent who will probably have a very different relationship with them anyway far too harsh. I also believe the child will not thank them for doing that in the long run.

AskBasil · 27/04/2014 17:56

But the OP isn't taking her child away from the grandma.

The MIL has herself chosen not to have anything to do with the grandson.

Her status as top dog is more important to her, than seeing her grandson.

I just can't see what positive energy such a person would add to anyone's life tbh.

Even my dysfunctional mother would care enough about seeing her grandchildren, to apologise if that's what it took.

This woman doesn't even care that much. Some granny. Hmm

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2014 17:56

Some grandparents should really not have any access to their grandchildren tinks. It is NOT harsh for the OP to try and protect her son from such harmful influences like her man's mother.

MIL has not apologised nor has even taken any responsibility for her actions; there has been no attempt at saying sorry.
OP has not had contact with MIL for 9 months for to my mind at least very good reasons. If MIL cannot respect the mother here what chance does the child have?. The child will be used as a conduit to further get back at the mother and father.

Finding middle ground is impossible to do when you are dealing with people who are inherently emotionally unhealthy; it is their way or no way as far as they are concerned.

Offred · 27/04/2014 17:58

The grandparent has removed herself from the child's life and made no effort to see him in 9 months. It is clear from her behaviour that she isn't remotely interested in ds but just using him to feed her own ego.

Children don't thank you for allowing them to be abused. It's a terrible legacy and common for them to hate the people who failed to protect them more than the actual abusers.

Do you actually have any experience with this tinks? Lots of us have been through this as children and are now trying to protect our dc from the same.

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 17:59

oh come on.. how often will the child be with the grandparent? really?
OP, just let your partner take the child to see grandmother and stay out of it till it all calms down.

Offred · 27/04/2014 18:03

Emotional abuse doesn't just 'calm down'... Wtf?

Offred · 27/04/2014 18:04

Again - do you actually have any knowledge or experience of this tinks or is it purely just ignorant opinion?

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 18:09

? I never said that.

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 18:18

To summarise what i said..

Would I personally tell my partner to leave his mother, dysfunctional or not - no

Would I stop my child spending a minimal amount of time with their grandmother - no

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 18:19

to say im ignorant is rather abusive in itself offred. I have a different opinion to you and am entitled to that opinion.

Offred · 27/04/2014 19:24

Ignorant is an accurate word to apply to someone who lacks knowledge or awareness. However it was your opinion, not you I called ignorant if it is not based on any experience or knowledge of emotional abuse.... That's simply accurate...

On what basis have you decided this is caused by an argument and is 'dysfunctional' rather than abusive? Have you any experience with emotional abuse?

Here's a link to some info about the effects of parental alienation on children and explaining how and why it is considered emotional abuse: [http://m.psychologytoday.com/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201304/the-impact-parental-alienation-children parental alienation]]

Offred · 27/04/2014 19:25

Oops try again!
parental alienation

SpecificRim · 27/04/2014 19:36

After reading the op, yes I think you have done the wrong thing. Your DH needs counselling to get over his mum.

AskBasil · 27/04/2014 20:39

"to say im ignorant is rather abusive in itself offred. I have a different opinion to you and am entitled to "

a) offred didn't say you were ignorant, she asked you if you were, or if you actually know anything about emotional abuse

b) it is not abusive to say somebody is ignorant about an issue they are ignorant of. I am ignorant of the principles of quantum mechanics. Somebody pointing out that I'm ignorant about them, is not abusive. Ignorant just means you don't know something.

Her question was, do you actually know anything about the dynamics of emotional abuse and how this can affect children? Because that's what's going on in this family, that's what the OP's husband is still feeling the effects of (and practising towards his daughter) and it's really not very helpful to post about a subject if you know nothing about it. As others have pointed out, what looks like a fairly minor, trivial issue to someone from a happy functional family, can actually be a massive pointer to abuse in a dysfunctional family such as the OP's in-laws. That's why it's useful to know if advice is coming from a position of knowledge or ignorance and ignorance isn't being used as an insult here, it's just a factual word.

Tinks42 · 28/04/2014 08:30

Actually yes i do, I don't have to spread my experience all over the boards though and can just give my opinion. Calling someone ignorant however you word it is rude and rather nasty hence abusive.

Offred · 28/04/2014 08:42

Saying if your opinion is not based on any knowledge or experience it is an ignorant opinion is not the same as calling someone ignorant. If I was calling you ignorant I wouldn't have bothered asking you what your opinion was based on.

In response to the suggestion you have some experience but you don't want to spread it across mumsnet, that's absolutely your right but it will undermine your point if you can't justify it with any analysis.

Do you accept that parental alienation is emotional abuse though, rather than dysfunction, given it is generally accepted by psychologists and the courts as emotional abuse?

Tinks42 · 28/04/2014 08:50

Please refrain from calling me out, as the next thing I will be accused of is derailing this thread. I have said all I want to say and will continue to give my opinion in any way shape or form I care to. I am however never rude to another poster as you have been.

Offred · 28/04/2014 09:06

Why should I? You're telling a poster to put her child in a position where he will very likely be exposed to emotional abuse from his father and grandmother, I don't think it is unreasonable to ask you to justify why you think that is the best course of action.

Tinks42 · 28/04/2014 09:09

stop putting words in my mouth offred. I have asked you kindly to refrain from being rude to me is all.

Offred · 28/04/2014 09:27

So what are you saying then?

Tinks42 · 28/04/2014 09:35

Would I personally tell my partner to leave his mother, dysfunctional or not - no

Would I stop my child spending a minimal amount of time with their grandmother - no

This is what I said....