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Original poster

Compromised - Wrong decision?

128 replies

NachoAddict · 26/04/2014 09:35

So background - Last year dp and his sister had a row about wether the kids should play outside or be allowed to play on their ds. I wasn't involved but sil started telling me that letting ds play his DS was lazy parenting. I took her meaning to be in general ie letting him have a DS is lazy parenting so I replied, well you do things your way and I do things mine. DP decided we were leaving so off we went.

Next day I went round as usual to drop off ds with MIL while I went to work. (MIL and SIL live together)MIL stated giving me a lot of verbal abuse over the argument because apparently I told DP what to say before we went and I control his thoughts.

She told me if I don't do as I am told in their house I can take my fucking kids and fuck off. (I have a detailed thread about it on AIBU, I think it was called WIBU to change my childcare)

So anyway fast forward 9 or so months and that is exactly what I did. I haven't seen or spoken to either of them since, neither have any of my dc. DP maintains contact with them.
It became quite a sticking point between dp and I as he really wants his ds (my youngest) to have a relationship with his mum and I so far have said no chance until she apologises.
It had become such an issue between us that earlier this week I fully intended to separate from dp and ask him to leave.
Last night we had a very honest open chat. He admits that none of it was my fault and his mum was in the wrong. He also says he has given them hell for it over the last 9 months but he knows his mum and she won't back down. Ever. He broke down in tears and told me how its tearing him apart that his son wont know his mum. He fully understands why I hold the view I do but if I was to change my mind it would be for him and not her.

So seeing how much it means to him I have agreed yo compromise, he can take ds round once or twice a month when the other dc are with their dad, on the condition that he doesn't push it for every week which is how often we would visit together as a family before this.

So have I done the right thing? i have basically given her the message she can treat me how she likes but I Have never seen dp so upset.

Just too add dp was out of work cor a couple of months before Christmas and could have quiet easily taken ds down here while I was at work but he didn't as he says he was fully supporting my decision.

OP posts:

Lweji · 27/04/2014 09:32

I meant in the same circumstances, with our partners.
Some of us might, but not many, I don't think.

He needs to sort his issues with his mother and being put in this position I don't think it helps.

Offred · 27/04/2014 09:48

I think it is up to him to sort his issues with his mother and I don't think the child should be put in a position of being emotionally abused because he won't. The fact he'd rather lose his family than sort it out and has let one child's life already be affected speaks volumes about how likely he is to actually take action.

AskBasil · 27/04/2014 10:22

I agree with all those who say you shouldn't be backing down on this one because with lunatics like your MIL, you only prove to them that they were right all along and they can take the piss further once they've got their feet under the table again.

I would deal with the rows with DH like this:

Buy a copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and insist that he reads it so that you two can discuss it afterwards. Every time he raises the issue, ask him "have you read that book yet?"

Then also I think you need to get relationship counselling together and he needs counselling to deal with the fact that he is still living with the legacy of his toxic mother and passing it on to his wife and children.

He also needs to stop allowing his mother to badmouth his ex in front of their daughter. That is emotional abuse and you need to tell your DH that he is a BAD FATHER for allowing this to happen.

AskBasil · 27/04/2014 10:25

Oh and I would tell your DH that you will consider allowing your DS to have a relationship with this toxic woman, once he has been to counselling to ensure that he understands how her poison works and how he can siphon it off so it doesn't reach DS. That's the least he needs to do. And I would say this every time he raises the issue of contact. "Please can we talk about DS going to my Mum's?" "Have you made an appointment for counselling yet?"

And yeah, point out to him that the very fact that he is prepared to split up his family about this, shows how skewed his priorities are and how very urgently he needs to go and learn how to be a good parent, unlike his mother.

Original poster

NachoAddict · 27/04/2014 15:37

He will never agree to counselling, he doesn't think they have a dysfunctional relationship or that she is toxic. He just thinks she is stubborn and can be nasty.

I went to the party. Sil spoke to me normally like nothing had happened. That strategy was ok with me. Mil and I just ignored each other. She didn't even acknowledge ds until dp made a point of taking him over to her. He will no doubt say because she felt awkward but to ne it just says she isn't bothered.
I will leave it now and see when he suggests taking him down there next and when he does I will insist I go too. She cant drip poison if I am there after all.

I have told him many times about how they should not undermine his ex. They are best friends to her face then mil says I wish her brakes would fail so we can keep dsd. (that wasn't to dsd)

Lweji we have dsd here fri-sun. We did arrange a 50/50 but MIL put a stop to it when she realised how it would impact her contact with dsd and we actually lost contact with dsd for weeks until we got a solicitor involved. Meanwhile she was having the extra contact that we would have been having.

Dsd's num would never agree to us having custody because she is in the process of fostering and it wouldn't look good.

OP posts:

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 15:57

At the end of the day OP that's his mother. He has a right to take the child to see her. You will probably never like each other but be the bigger person and stop using the child as a porn.

Offred · 27/04/2014 16:05

The op isn't treating her son as a pawn.

Tbh op the more you say about your DP the more he sounds like a nasty little man himself.

Gen35 · 27/04/2014 16:07

Gah what an awful woman your MIL is. I think the limited contact and understanding dh leaves if anything derogatory is said and that's it is worth a try. Really, your dh should have told MIL that she had to apologise to you and that's that but I do think it's not worth your marriage as long as he follows through on being vigilant about no bad mouthing you in front of ds.

Offred · 27/04/2014 16:15

He will never agree to counselling, he doesn't think they have a dysfunctional relationship or that she is toxic. He just thinks she is stubborn and can be nasty.

I have told him many times about how they should not undermine his ex. They are best friends to her face then mil says I wish her brakes would fail so we can keep dsd. (that wasn't to dsd)

He is not going to protect your child and you can't trust him to because not only does he not think there is a problem but by the sounds of it he is involved in the abuse of his daughter as well. This means it is possible that the reason he refuses to see the relationship is toxic is because he agrees with her and is also an abuser.

I would not want a partner who was abusive to/complicit in the abuse of his child and I'd do everything I could to ensure my dc was protected at any cost.

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 16:30

I stand by what I said, the child is being used as a porn whether they are aware of it or not. OP does need to be the bigger person here. That is her partners mother. People come and go throughout our lives for whatever reason. He will always only have one mother.

Offred · 27/04/2014 16:48

So if the MIL was sexually or physically abusing the children you'd have the same view or is it just because it is emotional abuse that you think it isn't important?

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 16:50

????? getting a bit carried away there, things being blown up out of all proportion again as usual.

DustBunnyFarmer · 27/04/2014 16:54

Tinks - when people weigh in with comments like yours, it is usually because they have positive, healthy relationships with their parents and, though well meaning, have no concept of how harmful and damaging relationships with toxic parents can be. Would either of your parents wish a grandchild's parent dead as OP has said her MIL does? I seriously doubt it. I bet you wouldn't tell someone to put their child in harm's way with an emotionally abusive partner if there was the option (in law, for example) not to. Stop imposing your (presumably positive) understanding of the parental/grandparental relationship onto this OP's situation.

DustBunnyFarmer · 27/04/2014 16:56

Or what offred said,

And it's pawn, not porn. Two soundalike words - big difference in meaning.

Offred · 27/04/2014 16:56

No, the mil is definitely emotionally abusing dsd. It is pretty certain she will try with ds. Why would you promote contact with any abuser? Why does it being emotional rather than physical or sexual abuse make it different?

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 17:07

thanks for pointing that out to me Dust. At the end of the day the OP chose her partner hence knew what that entailed. The OP will never be able to stop him taking the child to see his mother whether they are apart to together. Battles about things like this never ever end well for the child. As stated that is his mother and the childs grandmother. I haven't heard anything actually being said to the child.

AskBasil · 27/04/2014 17:08

"He will never agree to counselling"

Really? He would rather lose his home and break up his relationship and family, than talk for an hour for six weeks?

Shows how much he values them doesn't it?

AskBasil · 27/04/2014 17:09

Do you think emotional abuse ends well for a child Tinks?

AskBasil · 27/04/2014 17:13

OP it's possible that your DH doesn't think his mother is toxic because he hasn't done the reading and/ or hasn't had it pointed out to him by someone with a bit of paper he respects, that her behaviour is not normal or reasonable.

Offred · 27/04/2014 17:16

You know that grandparents don't have an automatic right to contact don't you tinks and that it is perfectly possible to protect a child from abuse during contact with a parent whether that is from the parent or from the child being taken to visit an abuser.

Answer the question. Would it still be the same if it was physical/sexual abuse or would you then be shocked and urging the op never to allow her child to go to MIL's at any cost?

AskBasil · 27/04/2014 17:21

Also i wonder why you're accusing the OP of using her child as a pawn, when in fact it's the MIL's aim to do that. The OP wants to protect her child from that.

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 17:28

When did the op say she was abusive to the child? this was an argument between adults, now everyone has got very carried away as usual...... don't think I need to answer such ridiculous questions offred.

Tinks42 · 27/04/2014 17:30

what on earth is the MIL aiming to do? the op is having problems in her relationship with her partner clearly which is rippling out. Nowhere do I see her child being in danger. Madness.

Lweji · 27/04/2014 17:33

It's not unusual that your OH doesn't see her as abusive. Many people don't see it in their parents or partners until very late.

What was his reaction to her wishing her DIL was dead?

I do think that custody of dsd with visiting rights to her mother (stipulating no contact with GM while with mother) would be the best way to protect her. Maybe the mother should become aware of what is going on.

You do need to evaluate how complicit your OH is or if he is just a decent person in a difficult situation.

My mother has been under the spell of an abusive mother and even now at 70 she finds it difficult to detach. It has taken lots of talks with her children and husband.
I do think that if you make him choose ATM it will drive you apart. But if you support him in dealing with her, you may find that he'll naturally detach.

Maybe couples counselling will allow the subject to be brought up and help the process.

clam · 27/04/2014 17:36

"She can be subtle but still drip poison. Things like, aw your mum wouldn't let you do x, well we would let you do x anytime u want if it was up to us. OR your mum says silly things don't listen to her. Just petty little comments"

I don't call that subtle. Or petty. And I wouldn't call that an "excellent relationship" either.

It seems to me that your points of reference as to what constitutes a healthy grandparent/grandchild bond have become warped here.

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