Compromised - Wrong decision?

[NachoAddict]

So background - Last year dp and his sister had a row about wether the kids should play outside or be allowed to play on their ds. I wasn't involved but sil started telling me that letting ds play his DS was lazy parenting. I took her meaning to be in general ie letting him have a DS is lazy parenting so I replied, well you do things your way and I do things mine. DP decided we were leaving so off we went.

Next day I went round as usual to drop off ds with MIL while I went to work. (MIL and SIL live together)MIL stated giving me a lot of verbal abuse over the argument because apparently I told DP what to say before we went and I control his thoughts.

She told me if I don't do as I am told in their house I can take my fucking kids and fuck off. (I have a detailed thread about it on AIBU, I think it was called WIBU to change my childcare)

So anyway fast forward 9 or so months and that is exactly what I did. I haven't seen or spoken to either of them since, neither have any of my dc. DP maintains contact with them.
It became quite a sticking point between dp and I as he really wants his ds (my youngest) to have a relationship with his mum and I so far have said no chance until she apologises.
It had become such an issue between us that earlier this week I fully intended to separate from dp and ask him to leave.
Last night we had a very honest open chat. He admits that none of it was my fault and his mum was in the wrong. He also says he has given them hell for it over the last 9 months but he knows his mum and she won't back down. Ever. He broke down in tears and told me how its tearing him apart that his son wont know his mum. He fully understands why I hold the view I do but if I was to change my mind it would be for him and not her.

So seeing how much it means to him I have agreed yo compromise, he can take ds round once or twice a month when the other dc are with their dad, on the condition that he doesn't push it for every week which is how often we would visit together as a family before this.

So have I done the right thing? i have basically given her the message she can treat me how she likes but I Have never seen dp so upset.

Just too add dp was out of work cor a couple of months before Christmas and could have quiet easily taken ds down here while I was at work but he didn't as he says he was fully supporting my decision.

Offred has not been rude at any point Tinks. I have experience of emotional abuse and have separated my DC from their FATHER as a result. If you have no experience of it you will not understand why.

Offred is asking you perfectly valid questions in a measured way.

With all due respect notquiteso, I don't see things being quite so awful as to justify this and there is room for compromise between the OP and her partner here. The second option mentioned by the OP would personally for me, be the way to go at present.

And yes, offred was rude.

This is quite silly, whoever started this whole chain of events should have apologised and soothed the waters.

Your partner was the one who argued with the SIL to begin with, and it was his action and his decision to say things ON your behalf WITHOUT your permission, which landed YOU in hot water. This is why the comment "you poisoned my own son against me". The thing is, did you wanted your husband to defend you this way and spoke on your behalf? Cos it was this action alone which turned the whole chain of event to be what it is. She then swore at you because she accused you of you saying things which you did not say to begin with. The question is, does she know that you never did this. Did she know that you never mentioned and said to your husband "it is your mother or me" ? Why did you shy back and not tell the MIL in law that you did no such thing ?

Honesty helps. Sometimes when someone accuse you, you do not have to make the situation to be that your action becomes inline with their supposed accusation. Cos if you walked away without even clarifying your own honesty to begin with, then it means her assumption may prove to be true. In reality, your husband has got a heck of a lot to answer for.

To me, this is all too petty, because from this small incidence alone has now turned the situation into one that you are talking about divorce, your children have not seen the grandparent for a while. All because someone reacted in a defensive mode, and now your DP is pleading with you and make you take this accusation, AND be the bigger person here ? What the heck !

I would talk to your DP privately first, and then march him over there with you in tow, and talk to your MIL and really clear and apologise for causing all of this to begin with.

By the way, this is "not" compromising, but it is about handling the truth and building trusts between relationships. i.e. maturity.

Applauds Maisie for making total sense of the situation.

I am however never rude to another poster as you have been.

Really???

it was his action and his decision to say things ON your behalf WITHOUT your permission, which landed YOU in hot water.

I didn't read this in the OP.
The SIL had an argument with her brother, and then went to take it on the OP.
dp and his sister had a row about wether the kids should play outside or be allowed to play on their ds. I wasn't involved but sil started telling me that letting ds play his DS was lazy parenting. I took her meaning to be in general ie letting him have a DS is lazy parenting so I replied, well you do things your way and I do things mine. DP decided we were leaving so off we went.

The MIL then accused the OP of telling her OH what to say previously, which would have been impossible, but effectively blaming the OP for the reaction of her own son.

And where does it say that the MIL accused the OP of telling her OH "your mother or me"?

Timeline of events:

1 - dp and his sister had a row about wether the kids should play outside or be allowed to play on their ds.
2 - sil started telling me that letting ds play his DS was lazy parenting.
3 - I took her meaning to be in general ie letting him have a DS is lazy parenting so I replied, "well you do things your way and I do things mine." DP decided we were leaving so off we went.
4 - MIL stated giving me a lot of verbal abuse over the argument because apparently I told DP what to say before we went and I control his thoughts.
5 - She told me if I don't do as I am told in their house I can take my fucking kids and fuck off.
6 - I haven't seen or spoken to either of them since, neither have any of my dc.
7 - dp ... really wants his ds (my youngest) to have a relationship with his mum and I so far have said no chance until she apologises.
8 - I fully intended to separate from dp and ask him to leave.
9 - had a very honest open chat. He admits that none of it was my fault and his mum was in the wrong.
10 - He also says he has given them hell for it over the last 9 months but he knows his mum and she won't back down.
11 - He broke down in tears and told me how its tearing him apart that his son wont know his mum. He fully understands why I hold the view I do but if I was to change my mind it would be for him and not her.

To me, DP and SIL should not have argued.

Point 1 and point 2 should not have existed. SIL needs to apologise for telling her own brother how to parent. She shouldn't have called it "lazy parenting". She needed to keep schtum there.

Point 3 is where the OP was acting defensive and said something which she shouldn't, which was adding oil to the fire so to speak. This is I guess why the OP is feeling injust, defensive and quite angry ? But she can turn things around by pushing things back too. i.e. not take the bait on the "lazy parenting" comment, and actually continue to bring the children with their games.

Point 4, the DP can indeed clarify to his own mother what his take is on the parenting style, and whether the OP did or did not speak to him and persuaded him on the DS game console thing.

Point 8 - the OP is talking of divorce because of this silly argument over parenting ? So the internalised anger has built up to such a high extent that, because she may not be getting the support from the DP, she will now ask him to leave and file for a divorce? (Sorry, I realised that they are not married, because she mentioned "leave" and not "divorce".)

Point 10. The DP is actually now turning his internalised anger and displacing this back to his own mother and sister ??? I doubt that his mother would be able to love him again since now he takes side to the wife/partner than his own mother ! (Shouldn't the younger members of a household respect their elders ?? How and why does he back bite to his own mother who raised him to be a decent adult ??? )

Point 11 - Making a grown man cry. If you love a person, then you won't make them cry. Or to even create a situation to lead it up to this point. So now he is upset that he cannot show his own pride and joy to his own mother in hope that the son can have a healthy relationship with grandparents-parents in his upbringing to make him a grounded person ?

Lweiji Basically from the perspective of the old lady, she thinks that her own son won't speak to her like how he does without some kind of manipulation from the partner side. Cos she raised him, and so presumably know that he cannot be a certain way.

"4 - MIL stated giving me a lot of verbal abuse over the argument because apparently I told DP what to say before we went and I control his thoughts."

This kind of response is actually very common on parents, especially when it is the first time that they encounter or seen a situation like their daughter or son actually supporting their partner. It is very tough and harsh to take, because you raised them in a loving manner, and you would not expect such betrayal from your own offsprings.

The guy actually need to stand up and speak in a more frank and mature way especially in areas of parenting, and own up to his part, and convince his parent to accept this aspect. It is in his duty to figure out why his sister is annoyed. Is it because they wanted the children to play and talk to them when they are over there, rather than just be a "babysitting service"? Is it because they wanted to connect with the children so much more? There must be a reason why the sister said what she did. Maybe he needs to find out.

Absolutely bloody ridiculous the people on this thread pushing their abuse-obsessed agendas. You are encouraging all contact to be broken between OP's husband and his mum and a grandmother and kid. Truly extraordinary. Old people are often irritable and require management. Sounds as if your OP's husband is perfectly willing to acknowledge what his mum has done wrong but punishing him, threatening divorce and making him read books about toxicity is giving the whole thing way too much importance. Bit of access isn't going to kill anybody. The compromise as suggested in the original post sounds fine.

Phew, another balanced person.

Wow, this thread is spinning in lots of directions.

Maisey I think you seeing things very differently.

A - SIL wanted the children to play outside, she didn't want to play with them, she just decided as it was a nice day they should be outside. I didn't argue the point because in my opinion, their house, their rules. It made no odds to me if they played inside or out.

B - in saying you do things your way and I do things mine I was actually trying to avoid a row and not taking the bait. My initial reaction would be to tell her to mind her own business and look at her parenting before commenting on mine. However I was attempting to be more diplomatic. What makes you think I shouldn't have said this, should I have just accepted her calling me a lazy parent?

MIL says I told him what to say/think because before he met me he lived with her and let her take the active parenting role with his dd and therefore she doesn't accept that he has now formed his own opinions.

We were thinking of separating because we were repeating the same argument and couldn't see a way forward.

Dp and his mother have ALWAYS had a volatile relationship even before he met me. So if she has found it in her heart to lobe him in the past I am sure she will again.....

As for making a grown man cry, well that responsibility lies with his mother and not me.

Oh and MIL is not old, she is early to mid 50s.

Maisie, the MIL could think all she wanted.
It doesn't mean that her son spoke for his partner. To me it just sounded like she wanted to play her son as a helpless creature that can be manipulated by the women in his life, and that's probably how she sees him.

Op. As of right now, has your mil done anything to your son that could be counted as abusive?

No, I don't think so.

I suppose some people would count telling me to take my kids and fuck off would include him or the fact that she waited until I was there without dp to hurl abuse at me in front of him but I am more inclined to think it doesn't count because he didn't have the first clue what was happening. (being a baby)

To be honest, if you say you love somebody, you love their entire good or bad family too. Relationship takes time to build.

MIL says I told him what to say/think because before he met me he lived with her and let her take the active parenting role with his dd and therefore she doesn't accept that he has now formed his own opinions.

Ah ha, now we are getting somewhere. No wonder she swore at you about the house thing. Have you ever told her that you do not mind that their house rule can be followed and whether they placed outside or not, as it is not really something you are bothered about ?

So instead of letting her have no role altogether, maybe she can release the role and hold if she knew that you guys will do the absolute best in parenting and reassure her that the child will be brought up okay ?

I agree that the "lazy parenting" comment is out of line. It is not likely that she will apologise, since really, if you think about it, she has the best interest of the child at heart, and why wouldn't anyone want the child to be an all rounder and learn from all of their family's role model ? Why should the child be stuck in this tug-o-war to begin with ? When it comes to proud people, you really have to melt them a bit until they realised what their roles are. Sometimes even if you did not say and stomp your ground, if you don't, then that is your reputation gone. If you stood up and mentioned that you had no intention to be like previous partners, and that you do not mind that when the child is in their house that they follow their house rule then. Fight for who you love, and your reputation !

I had to also bite my tongue too when my mother took absolute control over the feeding of the new first grandchild into the family. I was absolutely obviously super jealous, but then she also brushed me aside too. It was like she went into OTT mode. (Mother anxiousness?) I do not know whether this was because she thought that he may not be looked after well, but it took her a while to let go of the cooking at least, until their lives stabilised. It is indeed a more matriacharial setup, but she did let go, especially she had to focus on other things in her life. To me, I did not want to lose my position as auntie, and I want absolute connection with my nephews because I also want to let my dear father know that I did my best also to support his legacy in a roundabout way. He has passed away already and asked me to look after my mother. I want the child to also have roots, and families around him like I had too. So yes, I will stay around. (But not intervene, but act as auxilary support.)

I get the impression that you are dealt with some heavy strong bonds here, and I do not know how long you have been with this guy. Some clever thinking and decisions need to be made.

By the way, I also always used to play the diplomacy card, but then I never used to state and clarify my position especially when the other person actually is loaded with assumptions. I should push back to ask for clarification and then push it to a good and decent resolution.

If your understanding of the past is correct, then yes, you may have to be more forthright and state the obvious.

So no then?.any issues have been directed at you?

I'd let my husband take the kids. As you said your dsd has a totally different relationship with her mum than your children do with you.

And. You have witnessed this issue directed at dsd, did u ever intervene?

The lazy parenting comment didn't particularly bother me, I thought it was rude and un true but its her opinion. I have my opinions on her parenting, I just chose not to air them.

What bothers me is being told to take my fucking kids and fuck off over a row that I wasn't actually involved in. However I wasn't about to undermine dp by siding with sil. We are a team.

What bothers mil is that sil and dps ex both rely on her heavily for child care and so she has control over them. She has been able to input and have influence over their parenting from the start. They look to her for guidance and advice. I on the other hand had been raising my children on my own quite adequately and continued to do so after having ds. I don't need her and don't give over control.

Since being with me Dp has been able to parent his own child and be involved in parenting mine. He has formed his own opinions on how things should be done and they don't always fall into line with mil.

That is what she doesn't like and why she hates me. Because she can feel control of dsd slipping away from her.

Since the row we haven't been taking dsd there ever weekend and funnily enough mil and dps ex are best friends, round each others house for tea all week. Previously as I have said up thread, she wasn't her biggest fan.

sexypants yes I have said, you cant say things like that. The response I get is to be laughed at or told, well why not its true.

I have tackled dp about it and he says he will have a word with his mum...

Sorry, I am lost on how many children there is, and how many are by birth between you and your partner, if you do not mind my asking.

I had two children and dp had one child when we met. We went on to have one additional child between us.

4 children altogether, two solely mine, 1 solely his and 1 joint.

Ok, aside from the children, do you love your partner, and does he care for you and treat you well and so forth. If you break up, it should be about the love between you as individuals and not because of parenting. You can both choose how you deal with the parenting, but the love should be the motivation to make you both work harder, or not, as the case may be.

Sorry, maybe I should not have asked that question. Cos my advice is that, that bond will bond, and in a way, if you guys can come to a decision on how your "house rules" with regards to children will be, then it doesn't matter really to comments by the mother, or the SIL. As long as you know what you guys are aiming for. I was going to suggest that you can always ask the MIL what she used to do with the other two kids, and try to integrate that into what you want, and make up your own approach. Because as there are 4, how do you know what they are used to, and there always are going to be landmines. Especially if you do not know what had been the children's preferences and what they took to before and so forth.