Compromised - Wrong decision?

[NachoAddict]

So background - Last year dp and his sister had a row about wether the kids should play outside or be allowed to play on their ds. I wasn't involved but sil started telling me that letting ds play his DS was lazy parenting. I took her meaning to be in general ie letting him have a DS is lazy parenting so I replied, well you do things your way and I do things mine. DP decided we were leaving so off we went.

Next day I went round as usual to drop off ds with MIL while I went to work. (MIL and SIL live together)MIL stated giving me a lot of verbal abuse over the argument because apparently I told DP what to say before we went and I control his thoughts.

She told me if I don't do as I am told in their house I can take my fucking kids and fuck off. (I have a detailed thread about it on AIBU, I think it was called WIBU to change my childcare)

So anyway fast forward 9 or so months and that is exactly what I did. I haven't seen or spoken to either of them since, neither have any of my dc. DP maintains contact with them.
It became quite a sticking point between dp and I as he really wants his ds (my youngest) to have a relationship with his mum and I so far have said no chance until she apologises.
It had become such an issue between us that earlier this week I fully intended to separate from dp and ask him to leave.
Last night we had a very honest open chat. He admits that none of it was my fault and his mum was in the wrong. He also says he has given them hell for it over the last 9 months but he knows his mum and she won't back down. Ever. He broke down in tears and told me how its tearing him apart that his son wont know his mum. He fully understands why I hold the view I do but if I was to change my mind it would be for him and not her.

So seeing how much it means to him I have agreed yo compromise, he can take ds round once or twice a month when the other dc are with their dad, on the condition that he doesn't push it for every week which is how often we would visit together as a family before this.

So have I done the right thing? i have basically given her the message she can treat me how she likes but I Have never seen dp so upset.

Just too add dp was out of work cor a couple of months before Christmas and could have quiet easily taken ds down here while I was at work but he didn't as he says he was fully supporting my decision.

Sorry I don't really understand. Which two are you referring too? Mil took over a parenting role with my dps daughter (my dsd) whilst he lived with her (mil) so he knows what his daughter likes and the rules she is used to. We have lived together now for two and a half years so don't really need mils input in how to run our house. I did after all manage my own home and children for years before I met any of them.

I'm not sure I have understood your post properly though so apologies if I am barking up the wrong tree.

Sorry, I had to get my head around the children, and who is who. (I apologise for still getting used to the abbreviations dp, dsd, dw etc etc.)

I mean, I cannot see or even support the idea of parenting 4 children but using different rules for each one. So what I am suggesting is that, you both need to follow the same set of rules (which is workable, and valid) for all children. So there are no specific personal preferences as such, but these rules will be applied to all children. But before you get to this stage, why not ask the MIL what the girl is used to before. Because if you personally ask her, and let her know that you may or may not consider these kind of rules also to your 2 children, as well as the newer child too. Maybe that would allow her to see the situation for what it is then. That you want to be parenting all 4 children. Basically if you take on some of her advice, at least when you drop off your 2, or the new child, she too can stick with the rules that you apply too.

Ok, so 2.5 year is not too long yet, and I can see it is still a delicate situation, but surely wouldn't you both want to actually come to a similar mindset on parenting ? Why segregate this way ?

It sounds like also that it will take her a while to also let go of her role as well that she played in the young girl's upbringing.

I agree with you that she is struggling with her role as grandmother and not a parent role.

We do parent all children the same in our house, that has caused problems in itself as she doesn't believe that that dsd should be treated as an equal, she should be made to feel special but that is a whole other thread.

We cant follow the rules of her house because there really aren't any hence why dsd loves it there so much.

The set up we have works fine, the children know what to expect from us, what we expect from them. They know they are loved equally and will be treated fairly. I really don't need parenting advice from my mil, that's not what the thread is about anyway.

I do appreciate your advice though. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to offer support.