AIBU to be p*ssed off with DH and WWYD?

[flipflop100]

Background is DH & I have had 4 child-free nights in the last 14 years, last time was 5 years ago. My DM has dementia and ILs panic at the idea of looking after our 4 delightful DCs and have never offered to hold the fort to give us a break. And we have badly needed a break together. A year ago I told DH I was on the brink of asking for a separation. ILs think all is marital bliss.
For about the last 6 months I have had high expectations of next week's bank holiday weekend as I came to realise all the stars were suddenly in alignment for the first time now the DCs are older. They have all had the opportunity to go away for 2-3 nights with their various youth organisations. 3 DCs are happily signed up. Frustratingly 14yo has decided that, while he has gone on every trip possible up until now, he doesn't want to do this one. I have tried every possible encouragement.
I said to DH a few weeks ago I didn't think it was unreasonable to compel 14yo to go away for 2 nights at his age for the sake of his parents' marriage. DH had mixed feelings. I said I would leave it up to him to talk with DS and explain.
Well he hasn't. I'm hurt and disappointed at his lack of eagerness to grasp this extremely rare opportunity to spend significant time alone with me.
WWYD? I'm tempted to leave them to it for a boys' weekend and head off on a road trip on my own, youth hosteling or something. No domestic duties for two days and time to rediscover who I am again since DCs came along.
AIBU? If no, I'd love to hear your suggestions for the weekend.

Go for it, it's great that you have the enthusiasm for a trip of your own, I think you'll really love it and it will be a really good break from routine.

Go on your own or with a friend - god , I'd have my bags packed!

Why haven't you told ds that he is going- why are you leaving it to dp.

Dp is being an ass. Leave him to it.

In your circs. I would be "assuming" (that is telling) my 14 yo ohhh what a fab opportunity it is for you to go and do ... Whatever...
Making adult arrangements and if dh doesn't want to come then I would go alone.

do you mean you've never been away on your own with with friends since having kids? or that you've never been aay with dp?
I'd have gone years ago!! can't he look after his own kids for a weekend?
does he ever go away?

Even if your in-laws can't cope with all 4, surely they could cope with one 14-year-old? Maybe your DH could ask them. Though the 14yo might then decide he'd rather have a weekend away with his age group than with the grandparents…

If not, then yes, go by yourself or with a friend. It sounds like you need a break.

To put it into perspective I have 2 weekends away a year with my mates
dh has 2 weekends away a year with his mates

my bil has just been to spain for a few days with his brother to play golf

my parents always had separte holidays and interests as well as those together so I guess we've just carried that tradition on

Wow. I have it really good compared with you. YAN at all U. We try and have one weekend away each year. Normally feb as that's my birthday, but this year we are going away with friends - no kids- and it is this bank holiday weekend. My 73 yo dad will "cope" with DSs aged 7&9. They are pretty easy and will probably have to organise him!

I would go and do what you like, to underline how important this is to you. Assuming that your marriage is important to you, follow up with a conversation, and ensure you or he arranges something else soon.

Good luck. X

Well you can't force a 14 year old to somewhere t hey don't want to go so I don't really understand what you think your DH can do about it.

Agree with the poster who said ask the grandparents.

Or go with a friend.

It IS a shame that your DH doesn't make the effort for you though, so I can see where your coming from.

I'm a bit bemused at the assumption that you should get child-free time together on a regular basis tbh.

One of you away at a time, yes if that is what you want to do, but looking after 4 children is a big ask for grandparents etc.

In this situation though I would ask ILs whether they would look after 14yo. If they say no then I would tell him that you and DH have plans, so he will be going on his trip. If it really is make or break for your marriage, then putting a 14y old's nose of joint slightly for a day or two doesn't matter, and he will have a good time once he's there anyway.

I reckon that your ds has spotted that all his siblings will be away - and is thinking along the same lines you are, albeit just self focused, so thinking it will be really nice to have some time at home without any siblings around, have all my parents' attention, I can watch what I want on the tv/play on the xbox/etc with no interruptions.

I reckon your dh is scared of being the one to talk to your ds as he doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' responsible for sending ds away for a few days against his will, he's just burying his head in the sand and hoping it will all sort itself out naturally without him having to get involved.

I would give your ds a choice of gp or his trip (assuming the gp are OK about him going there - not sure if you have checked with them or not) or sorting something out with a friend. And point out that staying at home is not an option. Would you want to go away with dh for a night or two - so would that be a way to say to ds that you're going away based on the fact that he has been on all other trips and everyone else is going, so if he doesn't want to do the trip, fine, but you need to sort something else out as you can't take him with you on the trip you and your dh have planned.

Good luck - yaDnbu to want a couple of nights to yourself and your dh given that you are so close to having them, and get them so rarely! And whilst I don't think they are a right or a necessary thing, they are a nice thing and that's good for the soul occasionally! And to be so close to managing it, and then for it to be scuppered at the last minute would be really gutting so definitely need to make dh realise that he needs to woman up and do something about making it happen!

I'm a bit bemused at the assumption that you should get child-free time together on a regular basis tbh

Why not?

My eldest is 17 - don't think we have had a night away (both of us) from our children since he was born. Nearest is staying in a hotel in a separate room from them. We have both had nights away individually without our children. If I desperately wanted to we could have a night away now.

We have gone out for the evening pretty frequently, and done other couple stuff - usually hiring babysitters.

But couldn't your 14 year old have a sleep over with a friend if they don't want to go on the trip?

Great encouragement!

Lilac I meant to say 4 child-free nights just DH & me together. I have been away with friends a couple of times on my own without children (max 3 probably). DH barely invests any time at all in friendships The only one he would stay with very occasionally is an old school friend but hasn't done so for years. It's certainly an issue. Thinking about it it's a bit suffocating. I only have two other relatives: DM & DB, so I probably have to rely on DH too much for company.

We recently had friends to stay for a weekend. Subsequently DH kicked up a right old fuss about how I had imposed it on him, while acknowledging he had really enjoyed their company. I feel a bit down about how difficult it is for me to get together with friends.

DH has no problem looking after the DC by himself and I plan to go away more now that our youngest is not so young.

DB is my confidant, I could meet up with him next weekend. I imagine my friends already have plans but thanks for the suggestion, I will text around in case one is also at a loose end.

Exexpat ILs live 250 miles away. It's true DS could go on the train, I'm just disappointed that I would have to ask. DH seems more keen not to make DS feel unwanted than to spend the time alone with me.

Fizzy I guess I didn't instruct DS he was going away as a kind of test of DH's desire to for time together, just the two of us. I'm sure DH has no idea it was a test, he won't have given the situation any thought. Hence my inclination to take off in the hope he will take me for granted a bit less.

Bella I have given DS no end of encouragement to go & am so surprised he doesn't! I would feel uneasy leaving him at home on his own for 2 nights until he's a tiny bit older.

zip I think you've nailed it!

I'm with Alibaba on this. Mine are 19 and 16. DH and I had one weekend on our own when they were about 3 and 6; another when they were about 11 and 14. A week when they were teenagers and both on school trips.

I too am bemused as to why anyone would expect 1:1 couple time once they have children or not just accept they are incredibly lucky and privileged if they get it.

Fizzy because to assume that you have the right to child free time as a couple, means that you are also assuming that other people are going to be looking after your children all at once. Which when you have 4 of them is no small undertaking.

My parents had I think two holidays without us when we were young - once when we were quite little, but then not again until we were teenagers. On both occasions, grandparents came to our house so that we were all still in our normal routine of school etc and had our own things around us.

DH and I had one child-free night when I was pregnant with DS2, DS1 went to stay with my parents for a night. That was 4 years ago, and I have no idea when we will have another.

flipflop can you not make space for your relationship without needing to be without your DCs? I'm not saying that in a 'you dreadful woman wanting to banish your children' way, but more from a practical point of view.
Dinner out, cinema, theatre, even booking a hotel but just spending the evening there , are all possible with a babysitter without needing to find overnight childcare for your DCs.

If the issue is actually that DH doesn't make any effort to help make this happen and that is why your marriage is on the rocks then that is another issue entirely.
What is it that you are hoping this time together would achieve?

WWID? I would say to my partner, "I'm hurt and disappointed at your lack of eagerness to grasp this extremely rare opportunity to spend significant time alone with me".

Depending upon his response, I would be giving my 14 year old the choice of the trip or staying at the grandparents.

I love my children more than anything and I hope its obvious I have not wanted to get shot of them at every opportunity. Far from it, in fact I have been quite a clingy mum, extremely picky about babysitters etc.

Last year's tremor in our marriage revealed that DH & I have changed in 20 years. I feel it would be helpful to have the time and space for conversations to crop up organically, things to be said, connections to be re-made that in the normal rushed routine of DH's long working hours, his tiredness at weekends and the almost ever-presence of children make difficult.

We have this one-off chance to spend a relaxing weekend together, like many other couples do yearly from what I understand. I don't think I'm being greedy. If the DC who didn't want to go away was one of my younger children I don't think I would be as comfortable in compelling them to go on the trip.

My youngest is 8.

Am I being a bit thick here, but why can't you just go out for a nice meal and drinks and leave the 14 yo at home. Then go for nice walk or something together the next day and leave the 14yo at home?

Or can he stay at a mate's house ?

Turns out I am greedy.

Puppy We've been doing the nice meal and drinks thing regularly in the last year since 14yo has been able to babysit. What I would like is to have the option of going away, staying in bed all day or shagging with abandon anywhere in the house without worrying about making a noise or DC walking in.

Yes, DS could probably stay at a friend's for 1 night but I don't really like fishing for an invitation.

Flipflop, sorry but I don't know all these other couples who regularly have weekends away together. I presume the are super-rich and have nannies, etc? DH and I are planning our second ever weekend away (alone) together in 18 years of childrearing, for our 20th wedding anniversary. We are so excited!

I don't think you're exactly unreasonable, just I think if you get a weekend away you're lucky and shouldn't be expecting other people to just make it happen for you. If you want it to happen, by all means pull out all the stops and make it happen.

Is the real problem that your DH isn't that bothered? Doesn't want to spend time alone with you? That he doesn't have a social life or seem to approve of yours? If so, that is a separate problem imo, and one that can only be overcome by earnest communication between you.

Hooked Yes, the problem is that DH doesn't seem bothered. And I'd hoped that a weekend alone would give us the chance for some of that earnest communication.

I could make it happen, just wish DH seemed more keen.

If this opportunity slips away then I fully expect our next will be when eldest is 18, like you.

The other couples I mention who have an annual weekend away have able and willing grandparents to look after DC.

I see, sorry if I misunderstood. It is frustrating when partners are not on the same page and seem oblivious to attempts to communicate with them, you have my sympathy there. I hope you are able to get some time together and that he is willing to see things your way.

Yes, unfortunately not everyone has able and willing grandparents. I hope my children will include me in their children's lives, but equally, I hope they will not expect me to spend my twilight years looking after their children while they swan off enjoying themselves! Of course I will be happy to do so sometimes, just don't feel it should be presumed.

Bit surprised some are begrudging me a rare weekend off with DH tbh. I thought it was usually seen as a positive thing, that reinvigorating a marriage is good for mum, dad and ultimately DC too.

I'm interested to know if those who have had little or no time away from DC in many years wish they had had a handful more weekends away with their OH, in order to appreciate him/her and DC afresh? Or perhaps you always work best as a unit and don't feel that need to have a break occasionally.