AIBU to be p*ssed off with DH and WWYD?

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Background is DH & I have had 4 child-free nights in the last 14 years, last time was 5 years ago. My DM has dementia and ILs panic at the idea of looking after our 4 delightful DCs and have never offered to hold the fort to give us a break. And we have badly needed a break together. A year ago I told DH I was on the brink of asking for a separation. ILs think all is marital bliss.
For about the last 6 months I have had high expectations of next week's bank holiday weekend as I came to realise all the stars were suddenly in alignment for the first time now the DCs are older. They have all had the opportunity to go away for 2-3 nights with their various youth organisations. 3 DCs are happily signed up. Frustratingly 14yo has decided that, while he has gone on every trip possible up until now, he doesn't want to do this one. I have tried every possible encouragement.
I said to DH a few weeks ago I didn't think it was unreasonable to compel 14yo to go away for 2 nights at his age for the sake of his parents' marriage. DH had mixed feelings. I said I would leave it up to him to talk with DS and explain.
Well he hasn't. I'm hurt and disappointed at his lack of eagerness to grasp this extremely rare opportunity to spend significant time alone with me.
WWYD? I'm tempted to leave them to it for a boys' weekend and head off on a road trip on my own, youth hosteling or something. No domestic duties for two days and time to rediscover who I am again since DCs came along.
AIBU? If no, I'd love to hear your suggestions for the weekend.

why does the 14 year old not know that you and dh were off for a jolly? And that it's dependent on all the dcs being elsewhere?

is he just trying it on to be home alone?

xpost.

Thanks hooked. I don't think either of us has presumed on the childcare front.

Cats There is no jolly booked, because DH has seemed so lukewarm about it. I feel if I exert pressure then neither of us will enjoy it because he'll resent it.

I think all the others on 14yo's trip will be younger than him, none of his immediate peers are going.

Just book something for yourself and go. Do some thinking.
You know how time flies, remember when that 14 yr old was just 4...well in 10 years time that 8 yr old will be flying the nest and you'll be stuck with misery guts for time immemorial.
Actually, use those exact words when you tell DH your plans for the bank holiday weekend.

I don't know why people are getting snippy when the OP is only trying to do what virtually every self-help book and every counsellor would advise in these circumstances. And I say that as someone who has only ever had 2 child free nights with DH in the last 20 years and both were because we had travelled to funerals.

YANBU.

It's a rare opportunity for a child-free weekend, with the enormous plus of not having to feel that friends or family are doing you a favour by minding your children.

I'd have told the 14 y/o that he's going, me and dad need some time alone together, we don't get to do it often. At 14 he's old enough to understand that and it's not like you're palming him off on anyone that'll have him every weekend.

However, the actual issue is that your DH doesn't seem that enthusiastic about a weekend alone, just the two of you. So tell him how hurt and disappointed you are.

ah, will he not just malinger in his room or visit friends then, so you and dh can still have some child free(ish) time

i do think dh wants a poke in the eye though....and probably in your situation I'd go off and leave him and the 14yo to fester.

also not sure why you are getting a bit of a grilling for wanting some time out

YANBU
Don't listen to all the hatchet faced old scrubbers shrieking "Weekend away? I was 97 and my first child was 72 before I got to spend time with my husband!" They are just being bitchy because they think it makes them look hard, or something pathetic like that.

I think you should go off by yourself or with DB. I think you are expecting too much of the weekend if you think it will make everything ok with you and DH again, and I think you will enjoy it more and get more about of it if you just accept his inaction about it to mean he isn't bothered, and sort yourself out with something fun.

Otherwise your expectations of DH may be too high and you may end up feeling worse.

Have a lovely time.

Yanbu, I'd scarper on my own and do not spend the weekend worrying about your DH! It'll be many years before I can do this and I'm very happy to think of you having a lovely time.

Don't listen to all the hatchet faced old scrubbers shrieking "Weekend away? I was 97 and my first child was 72 before I got to spend time with my husband!"

Well you forced this hatchet faced old scrubber to crack a smile. Darnit now I need to change my incontinence pad

I wouldn't want a 14 year old to be told his parents marriage may be ending if he doesn't go away for the weekend, that is harsh!

However, telling him it's the trip or grandparents house as you and dh will be away is fine.
If your dh doesn't want to go away with you, that is a problem.

I don't think you're being unreasonable to want your DH to want this time alone as much as you do....but please don't make your DS aware of the fact that his parent's marriage is under so much strain, that's a lot for a teenager to take in.

Give him the choice between going on the trip or his grandparents - but as others have said, if you're DH doesn't relish the thought of a weekend away with you there is a far greater problem that a night on your own won't solve

We're another couple who have only had a handful of nights alone in the last 17 years - it's just one of those things for many, many couples [shrug]

Great posts! Thank you, & for the good wishes. Many have astutely identified the real issue is DH's lack of enthusiasm & the reasons for that.

There is no question of telling DS his parents' marriage is at stake.

Thankyou spring for making me LOL with 'misery guts'. Also allhail, LOL and I think you are right about my expectations being unrealistic, more than likely.

who It is very true that what I particularly like about next weekend is I won't feel indebted to friends or family for looking after the DC. That's why I feel it is an opportunity to be grasped, while DH doesn't

I would grasp that opportunity like a rabid rottweiler and never let go

It's a cliche, but as well as a mum you are also a spouse

Get rid of the 14yo any way you can and go and reconnect with your husband shag each other's brains out

Erm, it says it in the op.

If you mentioned to ds (14) that you are planning on a weekend of noisy sex, would he be keener to go? - just a thought!

Go on... try telling him that!

I would feel let down and deflated by your DH's attitude and lukewarm response if I were you. My DM has had our boys twice, once when I took DH away for his 40th birthday, and the second time when I was in hospital following the birth of DD. I am really grateful for that, don't get me wrong, and feel that the occasional night away from the kids can really strengthen our marriage. Take the chance to have some time to yourself, do whatever you fancy, seeing as your DH can't be bothered! I wouldn't be excited about a weekend away with DH if he dragged his feet over it so much that I had to coerce him to go away!

My DH worked away so when off work wanted to stay home.

I always felt I should just buggar off on my own, which would, I imagine, make him feel he was missing out and want to go the next time, but I never did it.

Also, relaxing in a hotel was not his idea of fun as he did it when working and had me at home to do all the cooking etc when home so no advantage for him there.

But DCs do grow up before you reach the stage of total senility so there is lots of time for me now to zoom about - it's great and boy do you appreciate it, worth waiting for OP.

This isn't really about whether you are "greedy" to want a few nights alone with your husband for the first time in years. It is about your husband not wanting the same as you full stop. If he really wanted it he wouldn't be bothered about being the bad guy as his desire to have alone time with his wife would be worth any strop from your son.

We used to have 2 nights away once a year but I feel the children can be a bit much for our in-laws now and they don't all go very often even for a day now and I can't remember the last time all of them slept over night. PIL will sometimes have one or two to sleep over which is lovely for everyone.

I like how you're never one to waste words AF Love it.

I am so behind with my post. Sorry .

I hope you get your weekend away and if "misery guts" happens to be there too I hope you still have a good weekend..

Itsfab thank you & I hope I remember not to call him that in my sleep!

Ingenious idea to motivate DS away with talk of wild & noisy parental humping (although he's lovely & would easily go if DH or I asked him nicely).

Where We don't discuss our marital travails in front of the DC.

I'd go on my own somewhere. Meh. I don't 'get' childfree weekends away, though. And if my kids go off and have four kids I won't be taking them overnight so they can go shag somewhere. That's a real ask, that many. Don't know any couples who have these weekends away, either. I prefer to have family time.

I'm pleased that you don't, but that's not what your op says, so I mentioned it.

I agree my OP is ambiguous.