AIBU to be p*ssed off with DH and WWYD?

[flipflop100]

Background is DH & I have had 4 child-free nights in the last 14 years, last time was 5 years ago. My DM has dementia and ILs panic at the idea of looking after our 4 delightful DCs and have never offered to hold the fort to give us a break. And we have badly needed a break together. A year ago I told DH I was on the brink of asking for a separation. ILs think all is marital bliss.
For about the last 6 months I have had high expectations of next week's bank holiday weekend as I came to realise all the stars were suddenly in alignment for the first time now the DCs are older. They have all had the opportunity to go away for 2-3 nights with their various youth organisations. 3 DCs are happily signed up. Frustratingly 14yo has decided that, while he has gone on every trip possible up until now, he doesn't want to do this one. I have tried every possible encouragement.
I said to DH a few weeks ago I didn't think it was unreasonable to compel 14yo to go away for 2 nights at his age for the sake of his parents' marriage. DH had mixed feelings. I said I would leave it up to him to talk with DS and explain.
Well he hasn't. I'm hurt and disappointed at his lack of eagerness to grasp this extremely rare opportunity to spend significant time alone with me.
WWYD? I'm tempted to leave them to it for a boys' weekend and head off on a road trip on my own, youth hosteling or something. No domestic duties for two days and time to rediscover who I am again since DCs came along.
AIBU? If no, I'd love to hear your suggestions for the weekend.

Fair dos. I'm probably more like my mother in that I'll find it too quiet without the little beggars around and want to play again! She loves having even as many as 3 at a time (I don't ask her much as MIL is doing a fantastic favour and mum has 6 more!) The more the merrier, re-enter the chaos :0)
ONCE A MONTH AND NO MORE, MIND YOU

Is that what x-posting is? Oops.
Maybe once buggering off without him will be enough to make him think, even if OP doesn't manage to enjoy herself (which I'm sure you could..) He could think "I've shot myself in the foot here, sat watching telly on my Todd.." and pull his socks up. Sounds like he could easily have a word with DS.

Oh god no - chaos with hunners of kids running about is my idea of a nightmare. We've got 3, there's plenty of chaos, and it loses it novelty very quickly

Oh, I have my moments of wanting peace! Then I get some and feel my patience level rise. DS is a bundle of fun for the most part, absolutely hilarious. I'm sure I will miss this! To get a chance to do it for 24 hours, and HAND EM BACK. Sleep, go the Lakes next weekend / have friends over for drinks.. Oh, yeah. This is why people get so excited about their grandkids! They're alright - in small doses ;0)

Lying you make some very good points. Yes we could persuade DS to go away on the trip fairly easily (might be too late to sign him up now though).

The idea of staying at home with the two of them off to blokey museums & blokey shops sends me crazy with frustration & disappointment. So at the moment I'm thinking I might as well not waste the long weekend completely, stuck in the same routine, and instead have a change of scenery, even though it will give me too much time to think, being on my own. Dilemma - don't know what to do.

DH asked me earlier what I would like to do next weekend & he didn't flinch when I said go away somewhere on my own since they'll be doing boys stuff. Later I'll tell him directly, so there's no misunderstanding, what I really want is to go away with him. And I wonder what he will say.

Good luck. x If the answer's disappointing DO go away without him. Do you have a friend who could go with you short notice? A change of scenery could be so invigorating that you do enjoy yourself. Thinking about your situation and how best to move forward is no bad thing, you'd at least get the headspace to do that.

Thanks Learner. Honestly its like rounding up sheep trying to get these DCs to bed.

I would tell the 14 year old he was going, and that's it.

I don't think it's up to your in-laws to provide childcare though.

I'm also thinking if you 'threaten' to go away without him and don't.. He'll be tempted to think you weren't really that upset, just blowing off a bit of steam (IMPersonalE!) Anyhoo, round em up. And stand your ground - with OH but with kids also, I suppose.

We've never been away, and rarely have a night out. DHs DF lives to far away and well, my DM is unreliable and thats a whole other thread....

Childcare overnight for four children is a lot to ask so not sure why the face is needed for your IL's.

I wouldnt force the 14 year old on a trip he didnt want to go just so i could have a dirty weekend away.

I dont think most couples get weekends away every year, most go away as a family. You could just have a lovely night out. You trust your 14 year old to look after his siblings so surely he can be left alone.

I think children vary in how manageable they are. And I think adults vary in coping ability.

I consider my DC to be easy to manage otherwise I would not dream of inflicting them on anyone else for a long period.

Too right I want to remember what a dirty weekend is.

It'll only give you too much time to think on your own because you haven't found sociable things to do with others if you have spare time at a weekend.

There's ramblers for one, then all sorts of weekend art or cookery classes you could sign up for. Visits to shows/ garden tours, until you start looking you don't know.

If you look as if you are having lots of fun on your days out, though possibly not the frenzied sex, I should DH will want to join you, though you might not want him by then.

Honestly I would ditch your unenthusiastic dh for the weekend and go on an adventure with your ds.

Spoke with DH. He tried to encourage DS to go on the trip but didn't feel he could insist, and left me in limbo not knowing this. Instead he has been trying to arrange a few surprise days away for us alone for our wedding anniversary in 3 weeks. He heard today his DPs (only 70 by the way) have let him down on childcare.

So the intention was there which is reassuring. But he is now really stressed, feeling he has let me down. Ironically I am faced with not one but two shit weekends full of resentment & anxiety about unfulfilled expectations. What a classic!

dozie trapped Great suggestions. trapped and a refreshing new angle I hadn't thought of.

I'd not encourage ds, I'd tell him he's going. he'll enjoy it when he gets there. you're the adult, he's the child.

Morning, OP. So now you're both ticked off! I am sorry. I would still go away next weekend if I were you, FWIW.. Sounds like you need a bit of cheering up. X

For those suggesting it's normal to go away, no it's not. It's a recent change. No one in my parents gen did that til kids grown. But my peers seem to think that "they should", which is funny because my parents would have said "they shouldn't".

Changing fashion is all.

Well, looking at previous generations (around me) GPs used to look after their GC much more often. However, I'm aware this wasn't the same across the board. And that if you're retired (as both my Grandmothers were, and both OHs grandmothers..) you can easily do that. Not many couples can afford to do that now, all sets (he has 4!) of DSs grandparents are still working. For the foreseeable.
And I'm not sure the OP thinks nights away are the norm. Her youngest is 8, she's after a rare treat - while she only has ONE child to relocate for the weekend.

If you don't mind me saying, I think you're both getting needlessly stressed out about having the perfect "relaxed" time together. Maybe stop putting yourselves under such pressure and stop trying to "arrange" things to be perfect. That's what I'd try!

yy PuppyMonkey. OP... why is it YOU that is always having to arrange things and smooth over bumps? That would tick me off no end. It's not the fact that plans don't turn out always as they should but the fact that I would have a partner who seemingly isn't the slightest bit interested in making them in the first place.

He could say to you - "flipflop, you and me, we're going out to dinner tonight and park somewhere afterwards - DSs 1-4 you are doing this." Might just be a matter of hours but it's a clear demonstration that he values time for you as a couple. From what you've posted, he just doesn't.

I don't know how you get past that really; if you force him, it's forced - and if you don't, then it never happens. :(

PMSL at the idea that relatives should look after four kids regularly so the couple can get drunk and shag all weekend under the pretext of 'communicating'.

Why expat? The kids are not all young; the oldest is perfectly capable of looking after the other three for a bit.

I would step in and look after nieces/nephews, bring them to my house or go to theirs. It's good enough for me that a family member says, "Please help!". I don't need to know more than that.

You sound a bit sneery. Not nice.

In previous generations relatives, not just GPs, who more commonly didn't live very long, either, helped with childcare to enable the family to work, not go off on dirty weekends.

Some people who are 'only' 70 are in very poor health indeed.