AIBU to be p*ssed off with DH and WWYD?

[flipflop100]

Background is DH & I have had 4 child-free nights in the last 14 years, last time was 5 years ago. My DM has dementia and ILs panic at the idea of looking after our 4 delightful DCs and have never offered to hold the fort to give us a break. And we have badly needed a break together. A year ago I told DH I was on the brink of asking for a separation. ILs think all is marital bliss.
For about the last 6 months I have had high expectations of next week's bank holiday weekend as I came to realise all the stars were suddenly in alignment for the first time now the DCs are older. They have all had the opportunity to go away for 2-3 nights with their various youth organisations. 3 DCs are happily signed up. Frustratingly 14yo has decided that, while he has gone on every trip possible up until now, he doesn't want to do this one. I have tried every possible encouragement.
I said to DH a few weeks ago I didn't think it was unreasonable to compel 14yo to go away for 2 nights at his age for the sake of his parents' marriage. DH had mixed feelings. I said I would leave it up to him to talk with DS and explain.
Well he hasn't. I'm hurt and disappointed at his lack of eagerness to grasp this extremely rare opportunity to spend significant time alone with me.
WWYD? I'm tempted to leave them to it for a boys' weekend and head off on a road trip on my own, youth hosteling or something. No domestic duties for two days and time to rediscover who I am again since DCs came along.
AIBU? If no, I'd love to hear your suggestions for the weekend.

OP as your DH is such a misery I would go somewhere naice, not just to visit family/friends.

Seriously, I would be off to Paris or wherever, all on my own and have a fabulous time without him. I would feel very aggrieved that my DH wasn't interested in spending a weekend alone with me.

Expedia have some good offers.

Everyone needs done respite from the DCs sometimes. This kind of extreme nuclear parenting is not normal at all if you look at the history of the family.

I would ask one of ds's friends parents about a sleepover for a night (or even 2). My friends and I often have each other's dc's if we want (need) a night away. I only have 2 so slightly easier but my friend with 3 just splits them between friends as larger age gaps.

If that's really not possible then I would head off on my own.

Great idea hampton. Prague had crossed my mind. Going abroad would certainly make a statement.

It's not what the OP says where The fact that OP wants DH to compel the DS to go for the sake of their marriage does not mean that the DH has to actually tell the DS that the marriage is potentially at stake just that he (ie DH) should appreicate that this is what is driving OP's insistence.

OP YANBU, I think it is a positive thing for couple to spend time alone together (and sometimes a little more effort than just a meal out when you know you still have to get up with the DC the next morning is required) and I would be very concerned that your DH is not willing to put any effort into this or even show any enthusiasm.

I hope you do something - either kick your DH up the backside or head off somewhere great on your own.

Exactly! I think you need to make a statement here. You need to show him that you are still up for having fun with or without him.

You have made it clear you would rather have fun with him so now you have to show him that if he isn't available, he isn't actually necessary.

Well my mistake, but can be read either way imo.
Sorry op, I hope you have a great weekend away, with your dh or not.

We've not had a night away just the two if us in 5 years and I don't see that ending any time soon. Was supposed to go with dh on a short business trip in the summer, I arranged for two siblings to take kids individually a year ago and of course that all fell through with two months to go. Any night out we might have once a year involves a very quick dinner and then home, if it's his dm sitting dh won't drink and relax God forbid his mother might see him tipsy. I think the worst was the concert we went to, we actually ate a takeaway in the car after the concert we were in that much of a rush home to relieve his dm (mine not fit to do it). Dh won't hire babysitters, has to be a family member. This has always bothered me more than dh. I think time together is important.
I can totally see why you feel the way you do, finally a bit of time with dh on the horizon and it looks like it's falling through. I think getting your son to go to a friend's for the night is a great idea.

kathryn Really sorry you are so short-changed on romantic outings with DH. If you are like me I only wore a dress a handful of times in years, they hung redundant in the wardrobe as there was hardly ever the occasion to dress up. Hope you get the relaxed time-off with DH you want & need soon

I confess to being very jealous of those with GPs happy & able to help out - I think they have a vital job supporting their offsprings' marriages/relationships.

OP, if it were me I'd go!
I am lucky in that my mum will readily look after my children. She loves doing it mostly because she thinks she's better at it than me but that's a whole other story!
However she lives 110 miles away so can only really help out for events. My DH builds and rallys cars and I often act as his nav. There is nothing romantic about being cooped up in a smelly, hot rally car wearing fire proofs or standing around for an hour while he and the crew adjust the sprongle widget or whatever it is!
Last year my mum had the children to stay at her house for a weekend. Being able to spend quiet time at home was such a recharging experience that I understand why you feel aggrieved.

DH and I don't get to go out together just for a meal or a drink. I'd love to do that. I miss that. But both my DCs have ASDs and there are no babysitters I would leave them with. So I'm jealous of your meals out!
Go and have a road trip!

Late onto this but I don't think you're BU at all, I understand. We are one of those priveleged couples that have a night to ourselves. Every month 18 mo DS stays at his Nan's so we get a break. We haven't been away yet - but MIL loves having him, he loves staying, we love the peace.. It's a win / win / win!! I don't feel guilty at all, needing / wanting some time to ourselves doesn't mean we love him any less, he is our world.
Relationships need feeding and looking after too. It seems small wonder to me that so many couples hit the skids post-children. I do realise I'm very lucky though. And she is only dealing with one.. With 4, this is a rare opportunity and I think your DH should defo be as keen as you to find alternative accommodation for your 14yo - it's so tantalisingly close! Good luck. I haven't read the thread to the end, hope you've sorted something already.

P.S. Agree with PP that this 'you had kids, you shouldn't have any time away from them' idea is a new one.. MIL does this for us because her mother did for her (every WEEK mind, not every month!) and she remembers it as a lifeline to a healthy relationship with FIL - and maintaining friendships.

It's a relatively new one ie since people started becoming economically mobile ie around 40-50 years ago - but that's not to say that every family prior to then was surrounded by a supportive network of people desperate to take their offspring so that the parents could get time on their own!

learner - I'm glad you acknowledge that you are in a very privileged position. However, I'm going to challenge the claim that having relatives who will look after your children = healthy relationships that don't hit the skids. That's a massive over-generalisation, and quite insulting to those of us who simply don't have relatives who will look after our children and still manage to have perfectly healthy relationships. Communication, respect, love, mutual goals and values - these are things that make healthy relationships, not regular nights without your DC.

I was speaking from my own viewpoint, as that's all I can do, Sir.
If you and your OH manage to be happy happy all the time with no time to yourselves, than very well done to you! Personally, we get a bit frazzled and threadbare. We feel happier and more relaxed and connected having a little break from being Mummy and Daddy once in a while. The the OP most probably will too. And I was also posting to state that I would be upset if my DP didn't seem interested in grasping that time together.
I know I'm lucky. But I also know you don't miss what you've never had - so if we didn't have any family nearby we would still get along (we've been together 14 years ffs). But there is no denying that these nights are a tonic for our relationship and if you get the chance you should grab it!
Do not understand why the OPs OH isn't bothered.. is what I was trying to convey. Not to (too easily) insult anybody.

Of course speaking from your own viewpoint is all you can do, but to claim that it's a small wonder to me that so many couples hit the skids post-children because they don't have child free nights thanks to willing relatives is just ridiculous - marriages break down for many reasons, but I'm willing to bet that not having nights on your own as a couple is way down the list.

That, though, is a completely separate issue from what the OP describes - if her DH doesn't seem to be that keen on having time on their own then it's a symptom of a much bigger problem that just simply not having relatives that they can leave their kids with.

I'm aware marriages / relationships break down for many reasons. But at the root of many problems is a lack of communication, surely? You really get a good chance not just to get drunk and have loud sex etc. - but to talk about not just frivolous stuff. Parenting, the dreaded 'routine', anything that's been niggling.. We're far happier for it (maybe the ol' silent reflux gave our relationship a pounding) and I'd be madder than a March hare if my OH seemed reluctant.

Yes, I agree communication is key (not sure how much of that you'd get done if you're drunk and having loud sex..!) but good communication doesn't have to depend on having willing relatives nights away from your kids - millions of couples around the world manage just fine, you would too, if your MIL wasn't able or willing.

Nights away are nice, of course they are, but not essential to keep your marriage off the skids. Of course, if the offer was there and one parent didn't want to take it then it would indicate bigger problems imo.

I agree with Learner because time & space to do that all-important communicating is difficult for DH & I to find. He is out of the house for 14 hours on weekdays, overnight once a fortnight. When he gets in he is tired, hungry & in no mood for a heart to heart talk. At weekends he is refreshed enough in the window between Sat lunchtime & Sun late afternoon when I believe he would, but of course there is lots of family stuff going on then too.

That's why we need time off now & again.

When my DC are grown up I will be offering to look after GC sometimes like the few magic GPs mentioned in pp. They sound like angels. My DC are easy & I wouldn't mind if they ate junk food, had too much screen time & played in DGPs huge garden just for a weekend. But ILs get in a flap & overorganise, hence loads of self-imposed work & stress.

Perhaps then communication between DH & I wouldn't be the challenge I think it often is.

As I've said before, I'm sure we WOULD be fine. But I'm so bloody glad we don't have to be :0)
I'm also going off a lot of relationships I've seen break up or hit very rocky patches post-baby (ours included), posts on here in saying that people - again IN GENERAL - get fed up doing the same thing, day in day out. Whatever your situation you always need a 'change' every now and then or it gets boring. Biggest things I've seen as a threat to relationships are boredom and not talking. That's not to say no-one manages that without child free nights. But God, it makes it easier! And the sleep.. Don't even want to think about it too soon. 14 nights to go!!

Ah, tiredness. That's one that makes us bicker and I hear it said by many a parent.

I would say to the 14 year old, as he is old enough to understand "Your dad and I would like a break together for a few days. As well as being your parents, remember that we are still a married couple and it's good to get some time out together. I'd like you to stay at whilst we're away and I'll arrange it. I don't see what the problem is about parents getting child free time - in my opinion, it's very good for a relationship to get some time together without kids.

Yes, it makes it easier - as does plenty of money, kids who sleep through, work you enjoy, a nice house with a garden, etc etc, but honestly, a strong relationship can and does survive without all that.

When our 3 are off our hands the very last thing I'll want to do is commit to having grandchildren to stay every weekend or even every month - we'll be off doing our own thing and enjoying life, and will have them when it suits us. I'm sure their parents will cope just fine, as many others do, with an evening at the cinema, or a bottle of wine somewhere.

Ah, now that's where I totally disagree. I will be offering to have my GC for a sleepover on a regular basis (God willing).
Once a month, although it feels lovely and regular for us, is one night in 30 for the MIL. I have been very grateful and kind of apologetic(?) but she reassured me that she loves doing it! It's tiring but she has pointed out that she can get a good glug of wine and an early night. And then socialise the next few weekends.
Again, seriously fortunate that DP is her only and DS her only GC. She adores him. I want that kind of relationship with my GC and, above all else, provide help to my DS & his partner (if his baby is anything like him.. God help em ;0)

Of course, you may end up with multiple grandchildren and step grandchildren of course - one child, once a month, providing it suits you (rather than the parents imposing or guilt tripping) is one thing, but having multiple children and potentially multiple grandchildren means that you could end up having children sleeping over every weekend. No thanks - but I'll still have a good relationship with them.

flipflop... You said in one of your later posts that your "DS is lovely and would go out (of the house, presumably) if asked", that's out with a friend or something. On that premise then your DH wouldn't have to be the bad guy because it wouldn't take much to persuade your son to go, would it? I think the earlier posters are right, your son was looking forward to sibling-free time himself!

The fact that your DH isn't champing at the bit or making every effort to spend alone time with you must smart, and it obviously does. Sorry.

How will you feel if you go away on a roadtrip alone though? Will it recharge your batteries or will it just make you more aware and resentful that your DH wouldn't make this couple time happen for you. I would probably feel a bit resentful in that position, I couldn't help it.