AIBU to be p*ssed off with DH and WWYD?

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Background is DH & I have had 4 child-free nights in the last 14 years, last time was 5 years ago. My DM has dementia and ILs panic at the idea of looking after our 4 delightful DCs and have never offered to hold the fort to give us a break. And we have badly needed a break together. A year ago I told DH I was on the brink of asking for a separation. ILs think all is marital bliss.
For about the last 6 months I have had high expectations of next week's bank holiday weekend as I came to realise all the stars were suddenly in alignment for the first time now the DCs are older. They have all had the opportunity to go away for 2-3 nights with their various youth organisations. 3 DCs are happily signed up. Frustratingly 14yo has decided that, while he has gone on every trip possible up until now, he doesn't want to do this one. I have tried every possible encouragement.
I said to DH a few weeks ago I didn't think it was unreasonable to compel 14yo to go away for 2 nights at his age for the sake of his parents' marriage. DH had mixed feelings. I said I would leave it up to him to talk with DS and explain.
Well he hasn't. I'm hurt and disappointed at his lack of eagerness to grasp this extremely rare opportunity to spend significant time alone with me.
WWYD? I'm tempted to leave them to it for a boys' weekend and head off on a road trip on my own, youth hosteling or something. No domestic duties for two days and time to rediscover who I am again since DCs came along.
AIBU? If no, I'd love to hear your suggestions for the weekend.

Because for many people, that is a lot of work. Many do not enjoy good health, many still work, many cannot cope with that many at once.

You sound a bit entitled and that's not nice, either.

OP didn't say 'regularly' did she? You're putting your own slant on this. You have no idea of PILs health, just that they are 70.

I'm not entitled at all, none of this affects me. I just didn't like your sneering at the OP who is upset. Justify it all you like.

'Dear 14yr old son.

I appreciate you might not want to go on this trip and have some time along at home, but me and your dad are also going away so we won't be here. We arranged this because we anticipated that all of you were going away and unfortunately we can't cancel now. So you have to go or find someone to stay with.

Love mum.

She has implied that several times over the course of the thread, I am far from the first to pick up on it, and stated her hisband's parents are 'only' 70.

I similarly dislike your self-righteous tone, but did not make it personal with you.

A person can be upset all they want, until they DO something about it, like arrange to pay for child are of it is not forthcoming from relatives, then it's to little good.

But continue scolding me if it makes you feel better. I'm away out to the park with the kids a wee while

alone not along. But you get the gist.

I'm so jealous! Neither set of grandparents has ever offered to have our two overnight let alone for a weekend, despite PIL having my SILs two to stay regularly. They don't even offer to let us pop out for a meal or something when they are staying here, even though the boys will be asleep in bed.

I'm a bit bemused at the assumption that you should get child-free time together on a regular basis tbh

Why not?

Because they have kids. And they come with responsibilities.

I do understand that the op has had/is having problems within her marriage, but her children are not disposable & they should certainly not be expected to go on a trip they don't want to go on, to help salvage their parents relationship.

It isn't their responsibility to make sure their parents don't split up.

We have this one-off chance to spend a relaxing weekend together, like many other couples do yearly from what I understand.

I don't know any couples that have yearly weekends together, sans children.

This year dh & I have a rare (for rare, think never) weekend away for our anniversary. In the past we have spent three nights away from our dc (not including sleepovers they have been on), In 10yrs, these two nights will be our 4 & 5th nights completely childless.

I'm interested to know if those who have had little or no time away from DC in many years wish they had had a handful more weekends away with their OH, in order to appreciate him/her and DC afresh? No. We don't need time away to appreciate each other. And I am not insinuating that you do, op, just that it isn't something I think is necessary to keep us going.

I spent 15yrs with dh before our first was born, and was happy to forego time away with him, in order to raise our children.

But at the root of many problems is a lack of communication, surely? You really get a good chance not just to get drunk and have loud sex etc. - but to talk about not just frivolous stuff Well we communicate perfectly without going away, or I don't think our relationship would have lasted 25yrs. We also get drunk & have loud sex without going away. For us it isn't lack of childcare (although we don't have a massive choice of 2 ), but lack of $$, we simply do not have the money to throw at nights away/out, so we make the most of what we have. We find dh having the occasional day off work useful...

I think the DH was against leaving DCs with anyone other than family but cant be bothered to double check that .

Because they have kids. And they come with responsibilities

And?! So that means the end of any time alone with your partner? What an utterly odd view.

Quite frankly as a parent I go to a lot of things I don't particularly want to for my children's sake. DS1 goes to things for DS2's sake and vice versa. Being completely opposed to going is one thing, just not fancying going 'this time' is something else entirely.

Op, I just don't get this though. I have no grandparents to help look after the DC, never have, they're on the opposite side of the world.

So we pay for childcare.

Just organise some paid for childcare and have a night out. A Responsible 20 something year old would love the extra money, especially if you had a friend/neighbour keep an eye from a distance.

Some childminders will take children for a weekend, the older ones can have a sleep over at a friends' house, surely?

I just don't understand why this is so very difficult?

And?! So that means the end of any time alone with your partner? What an utterly odd view.

No, I didn't say that.

we haven't ever had a night on our own. 9 years now and i can't see that changing. there just isn't anyone to take them.

i feel your pain. what a wasted opportunity.

but your dh has tried.

whatever happens don't just let the weekend go without grabbing an opportunity. go either on your own or dh, however it pans out, and do something out of the ordinary.

you won't feel quite so resentful then.

Quite frankly as a parent I go to a lot of things I don't particularly want to for my children's sake.

Well that is a responsibility YOU chose when you had children, isn't it. You knew, or at least had an idea that your children would want to do activities when you had them, so as a person going willingly into parenthood, that was your expectation. And that is your responsibility.

Your children made no such commitment, they couldn't possibly have.

Thank you very much to those who have given their support, I am really grateful.

It has been an eye-opener to learn that some never want time away from DC - ever, and that some would like a break occasionally like me but have had even fewer nights off.

This weekend is not to salvage my marriage at all, it is just a chance to cement it that it would be nice to make the most of.

I am not asking for regular time off ffs, just a third time in 14 years. Surely that doesn't count as presumptive.

In my particular case, DGP are in fine health, have a big house, a huge garden of around half an acre and a second-hand TV in DC bedrooms there with a stack of vids from the charity shop. Added to that each other to play with and DC amuse themselves virtually the whole time we visit.

I think the issue is MIL is an over-organiser and gets easily stressed, just by having to be somewhere on time for example. She will want to arrive an hour or two early. I'm beginning to wonder if DH is the same and maybe that's why he avoids organising things, it generates too much anxiety.

There is an assumption in ILs family there are no divorces, as laid down by intimidating GGM. I speculate that if GPs knew how valuable time off would be for us they would be more willing.

Just in case I detect an undercurrent of You've Got Too Many Children bashing, I would like to point out I do not have any aunties, uncles or cousins (both DM & DF only children) and my children do not have any cousins either. MIL is an only too - so 3 GPs are only's. To date my family does not bear much responsibility for any overpopulation.

Just in case I detect an undercurrent of You've Got Too Many Children bashing, I would like to point out I do not have any aunties, uncles or cousins (both DM & DF only children) and my children do not have any cousins either. MIL is an only too - so 3 GPs are only's. To date my family does not bear much responsibility for any overpopulation.

I can't make sense of this op (not necessarily your fault, it is late here), but I have one set of GP (never had dc overnight, they just aren't 'built' for it) & one sil (who has never had the kids, let alone overnight) and then, only one of friends (who I trust enough to have dc overnight), so we aren't all surrounded by lots of people ready & willing to take dc off our hands.

This isn't anything to do with 'you have too many children' bashing at all.

That's great to know from you personally.

Your children made no such commitment, they couldn't possibly have

And? So what? It's part of being a member of a family, you have to make some sacrifices for each other. EVERYONE has to make some sacrifices for each other, including the DC. In this case the DC go somewhere they don't particularly fancy because their parents want some time off. Not like they're being sent to the salt mines.....

I agree DIY. I am happy to taxi DS to various activities he loves each week, we were pleased to be able to send him on a fantastic school residential for a week in Feb. Now he's 14 I don't think a very short enforced stay on a holiday camp is a big sacrifice. DH is one of those who doesn't agree though.

DIYapprentice Are you deliberately not getting it? You said that as a parent you have to do stuff you don't like, for your children, insinuating that your dc should do the same.

I disagreed.

OP, is a day off work something you & your dh could arrange? Not as relaxing as a weekend, but a start?

different Yes and DH has taken the day off once or twice in the last year. It is a start but makes you realise how short the school day is. He is a bit of a workaholic too and I don't really think he likes taking days off, abandoning work responsibilities. He probably only took those days off to keep me happy.

Sorry you find it difficult to get a break too.

The workaholic thing is why it would be useful to have a longer break since we have the chance, so DH has the time to unwind and switch off from work - it takes a while.

But as pps have said there's too much pressure now for it to be a success. I've accepted the romantic break together I'd hoped for won't be happening.

I didn't say they had to do things they 'didn't like' I said they had to do things 'they didn't fancy' - a world of difference.

You insinuated that because they didnt' have the choice of 'making a commitment' then they shouldn't be expected to do things they didn't want to.

I'm afraid in large families that is just completely unrealistic, and has the makings of turning a parent into a martyr. Everyone in a family has to make some sacrifices.

I keep hearing 'children come first' (not, not on this particular thread, but on a lot of others) - well yes, their NEEDS come first, but their WANTS line up in the queue with everyone else in the family quite frankly. Her son doesn't WANT to go. He would likely enjoy it, has enjoyed previous trips, so actually he has no pressing need to not go.

In this case, his WANT should be weighed up against the rest of the family's WANTS.

It is a start but makes you realise how short the school day is.

Yes, that is very true!

Hope you get something figured out soon.

Another idea, is the 14yr old capable of staying at home with a friend, if the GPs looked in on them?

Everyone in a family has to make some sacrifices. Yes, I agree, but they should not be kicked out of their home if they don't want to be.