Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

Very hard birth but your son is fine. That wasn't the question! How is your wife?! I had a hard birth and nobody was coming near my nether regions after 9 months I can tell you! And especially if she is not using any contraception - she probably doesn't want to risk having to go through another hard birth.

Are you actually listening to anything anyone is saying? You have shown no concern for your wife at all, you don't seem to grasp how different her life is to yours. Unless you can start empathising there is no hope for you I think.

Jeez leave this poor man alone. Sometimes we just need to moan! Surely it can't all be his fault. It takes two to tango. I would be going insane with no sex in two years....I think I would rather stay home and look after my children than work 60 hours to be fair as well. Try arranging a romantic evening...bring her flowers....do some chores. Don't just go in guns blazing asking about your non existent sex life. Try giving her a kiss or a cuddle....see how things progress from there. I however being the impatient women I am would just put it out there. I would say do you still love me? Do you want us to be together, as I love you so much and really long go make love to you (cheesey I know) what's the worse that could happen?

I don't think he means any malice by what he is saying. He just needs a non biased ear to bend. If this was a women complaining about her husband I reckon there would be a lot more supportive comments being made!

It sounds like your wife has had a very traumatic couple of years. Losing her career, income and status. A very hard birth. 2 babies very close together. No respite. A husband who is oblivious to her plight. And who is absent from their home. Her life sounds down right miserable.

Why can't you see this?

You seem to still think the problem is sex.

Lots of posters have come in here to tell you otherwise but you don't listen. Do you not listen to your wife either?

Have you asked her if she wants you to work so many hours to pay school fees?

Have you offered to have a vasectomy to rid her of the worry of contraception?

Have you discussed pnd? Is she happy?

What exactly do you want from a wife other than to be a drudge and sex slave?

You really are not listening are you OP?

"I think I have a reasonable idea in the bedroom and have often thought that it is not down to me that she doesn't have an orgasm. She's certainly never complained."

You're saying that she doesn't complain about not having an orgasm because she knows it is not your fault, but hers? In other words, you believe she doesn't complain because she thinks she is a failure in bed? Have you considered that if this is the case, it might not be making her feel very sexy? Have you discussed how she feels, and if so are you sure that she is being open with you? I hope she's not expecting you to read between lines.

Thanks, everyone. The point is this - it's not just sex. We don't have any physical proximity, not even a hug or peck on cheek. If I try to do just that, she doesn't like it. She doesn't explain why, even when I ask. She will go back to work eventually and I suspect that will help. But, yes, I do need to be more helpful and give her more time off. But I still think a little intimacy, isn't too much to ask, after all this time. I know it's slightly crude, but does anyone know how to lower sex drive, so this becomes less of an issue? Are there any herbal remedies?

It's not 'helping' her it's taking joint responsibility for the children you created!

You are not doing her a favour by doing childcare- that is what you should be doing anyway- regardless of you job etc.

You want to reduce your sex drive? Try living her life for a week.

Do you think that she feels as if she is part of a team of two parents, or might she feel as if she bears all the responsibility, and that you are "helping out" or "giving her time off" rather than being a permanent member of that team?

Wiping babies' bottoms, cleaning up their sick and getting up in the middle of the night is an excellent way to lower your sex drive if that is what you need.

(Hadn't read weatherall's post despite saying exactly the same thing!)

Just throwing my two pennies in to agree with the poster who said that the sexiest thing a man can do on the weekend is clean the house and take the kids out for an hour. Then put their dinner onto cook at 5pm spontaneously. And start the bedtime routine for the older child yourself at 6.45 without being prompted. Do it properly. Glass of water, up to bed, teeth brushed, clean pyjamas, story read. Then come downstairs and straighten up the toys, and pour both of you a glass of wine. I disagree however with the poster who said to cook her a romantic dinner (which just piles on the pressure to 'perform' like a bloody monkey afterwards). By all means cook some dinner. But don't make it into a big deal.

My husband during our dry-spells in the nappy years, used to buy me sexy underwear as his effort to "gee me up". Made me furious. The problem with our sex life was not a shortage of crotchless pants. It was never having a fucking moment of peace to myself without people pawing at me. And waiting on three children at weekends, rather than just two in the week.

Kids now 4 & 6, sex life back on track. Having said that, I come every time. Now sure how bothered I'd be for sex if I never did...

I read this recently, written by a man.

Foreplay doesn't star in the bedroom.

It begins the moment you wake up.

It begins when you stretch over and kiss your wife/partner and say good morning, before holding them in your arms and stroking their hair.

It then continues as you bring your wife coffee whilst making her breakfast and getting the bathroom ready for her.

It continues throughout the day when you phone/ text her to ask how her day is going.

It continues with you cooking for her without asking first and cleaning everything away automatically.

It transpire as you run her bath with her favourite bubble bath and soft towels laid out for her.

I hope you get the drift.

I'm sorry but my Stbx and I had a similar relationship to yours, until it dawned on me how much I resented him for the fact I felt like an unpaid cleaner and nanny.

As we were on the verge of breaking up I told him what I needed. I wanted to feel special, I wanted to go out for dinner and be the one he put first, then I would feel less like a domestic slave and more like a sensual woman.

Though he agreed with my suggestions and tried to make it work in the end he couldn't do it.

Sex with him became like another chore, a tick list even. Washing done, ironing done, cooking done, washing up done, sex done.

I am now with someone else and the sex is amazing, I orgasm every time (sorry to be blunt). I miss him when we aren't together, i feel like a sexual woman with him, something I just didn't when with my ex, no matter how much he told me I looked great, actions speak louder than words.

I feel so much more than just a mother and home provider now.

This is probably not what you wanted to hear but I am giving you an honest view.

He is the bread winner and works 60 hours a week that is an equally importance role in a family. Yes it would be nice for him to do chores a day help with the children but it's like most of you are all making out like he does sod all. Maybe she resets the fact he is working and she has to stay at home but then we are only presuming as it sounds like she doesn't communicate her issues. It's not all his fault and I doubt it's all hers either

Excuse typos....I was multi-tasking

Resents*

Men are not mind readers so if she doesn't say how she feels how is he to know. I sure as hell don't beat around the bush when I tell my fiancé what's pissing me off and neither does he. I think their main issue is communication. Once that gets better then only will things have a chance of Getting better

I don't think your sex drive is too high btw.

Seriously I could have sex with my bf several times a day .

Whereas sex with my ex - nah no thanks.

Simplesusan - While I get the point you are making, it's a very simplistic and somewhat nauseous homily you've posted there.

So if that's what the man has to do to make the woman feel special, what does the woman do to make him feel special? Because, actually, it IS a two-way street.

Emily- perhaps the ops wife can't explicitly say what is wrong.

She doesn't orgasm, the op says that is not his problem. What is she supposed to do, mastubate?
I used to think there was something wrong with me, my ex quite conveniently laid the blame at my feet.

Nothing at all wrong with me, I just didn't find it remotely sexy being a domestic servant.

If the ops wife told him this would he take on a much heftier domestic role, or like most husbands in his position switch the blame to his wife.

In a similar situation to you Ollie, except our issues have been going for five/six years now. Again, young children, busy work, hectic home etc... The usual stuff you get with a young family. I can sympathise, both with the situation you're in, and the lack of knowledge about your partners situation (though to be honest I bet this goes both ways).

I haven't found any answers myself, I've provided opportunities for DW to rediscover herself as a person away from me, DCs and anything else she wishes, she's got access to our finances, she has opportunities to go off and do hobbies/go out etc. We share home life workloads be that household chores or parenting (inc. approx equal leisure time). But none of the opportunities I present get taken up and DW seems to just love being a Mum to the exclusion of herself as a person, let alone other adult relationships. Sometimes, no matter what you do you cannot win.

I've coped through a range of measures including counselling, self help literature, MNers words of advice (obviously!) and more recently experimenting with anaphrodisiacs. The latter is a whole pharmacological subject in itself and I'd urge extreme caution if you head down this route. Try and speak to a herbalist about Chaste Berry (Agnus Castus) this seems to be recommended by some although I found it had little effect. The more extreme end of the spectrum is hormones, which is even dodgier ground. PM me if you'd like to know more. As always the normal caveats apply, I'm not a medical professional, I'm happy to share my experience but do not recommend it as an approach etc...

Not new the op has said he wants a better sex life, so I have given him advise. This is the advice from a male prospective, the man who wrote it gets frequent satisfying sex, like the op desires.

I have also explained my situation.

Now if the op came on here asking how to remove a stain from a carpet you would tell him to do x, y and z.

The operative word being tell HIM.

He could choose to do it or think fuck it I can't be arsed and the stain(problem) will remain.

Susan - what works for YOU or whoever wrote that 'advice' is one thing. Wisdom on MN on these sorts of threads is always "what are you doing for your wife/partner? do you ensure she has enough 'me' time? do you do plenty around the house? if you do all these things you will be more attractive to your wife!"

Well, it worked for YOU, but as "Keepithidden* has reported, it didn't for him. It didn't for me. There are others on previous threads who have been praised by women for doing the right thing and sympathising with them.

I'm sorry but it ISN'T just one person's problem. There are two people in a relationship. BOTH need to communicate. If one person communicates well and the other doesn't, that's an issue. If one person says they have a problem, the other says they don't have a problem and they actually are happy with the way things are (which could be having no intimacy whatsoever) then that's an issue.

Relationships work because of hard work, not because of an idealised happy ever after.

Use your biggest sex organ, the one between your ears. The brain should tell you she is having trouble separating womanhood from motherhood. She's got the family and home fencing her in while you get to do 'fun things' through work. A foot rub might be the only physical touch she can bear after a week of kiddy wrangling.

Stop perusing porn - whatever floats your boat it will be fantasy stuff light years from mopping up after infants or searching for the brand of toothpaste you like best.

Those colleagues who seem to have perfect domestic set-ups? There's Stepford Wives and real life. Humans are flawed. Those girlfriends and wives have headaches and periods too. They just accept that, SAHMs or not, their partners might have complex needs or basic issues it doesn't make them rubbish.

I love how many of you love a good old witch hunt! Blame the husband....I resent my fiancé due to my domestic role. We both work full time and I do the majority of the chores. This really annoys me. I however would be happy running the house if my fiancé could earn enough to keep us....I would quite enjoy being a full time mum/housewife actually I imagine. The big difference is I tell my partner this and he is showing signs of improvement lol I think this is our only problem in the relationship.

What a sad post.

Some women simply don't need sex, but many others do.Ma ke her feel special, make the effort, but if that does not work, be honest with her, here are other women who want physical intimacy too.