Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

OP, I feel your pain. I am in exactly the same position - no sex at all since we conceived our 2nd child (who is now nearly 2....do the maths!) There are various contributing factors in my case, not that I want to go into them here.

I'm pretty pissed off with the responses on here to be honest. From the off, people have said you are the problem - if only you'd do more housework, give her a break etc - well that is a load of bollocks. I'm not saying you shouldn't do those things, the opposite in fact, but saying she hasn't had sex with you for 2 years because you haven't done the washing up is not helpful at all. Doing more around the house in the expectation of getting sex as a result is not going to work. You should do more around the house, as that is only fair and right. I presume you like your wife and don’t want her lumbered with doing everything. I try and give my wife as much of a break as I can, e.g. at the weekends, to give her time to do her own stuff, and relax a bit. It is knackering looking after kids on your own, so it’s only right that she has time out after having them all week. But I don’t do this in the expectation of sex: 1) You should be doing it anyway, as it is simply the right thing to do; 2) It’s a bit creepy and unattractive (imo) to do stuff with the expectation of sex, and she will see straight through it if you make an extra effort around the house and then start coming onto her; 3) You will probably get knocked back which will make you even more pissed off.

I don’t have the answers, but I think ultimately it has got to come from her. You could try and get some of the general intimacy back into your life. I told my wife that I didn’t expect sex, and that she didn’t have to worry if I gave her a hug or something that I would then be wanting more. So we do now have at least some physical contact, without me feeling she’s pulling away etc.

It is not wrong for this to be a dealbreaker in your relationship, if it carries on. You have to either make your peace with the situation (that’s what I’ve done), without getting into some horrible bitter animosity that will leave both of you and your kids feeling shit, or you split up. Whatever you do, don’t have an affair and justify it on the basis of your lack of sex. What would that make you? And how would it make your wife feel?

Oh, and my wife has said she has never had an orgasm, and has always completely recoiled at the thought of getting herself off, so I do believe you on that.

Yes not new, I was happy not having sex with my ex, this is what I am telling the op.

All the sexy lingerie in the world didn't do it for me, because deep, deep down I felt undervalued .

I was similar to the ops wife in that at the time I thought I was quite happy to not go out , to sit in with the kids and spend my time doing 'mummy' things. Cooking, cleaning, baking blueberry pie, sewing, gardening, organising the family.

I used to tell people this suited me fine.

I'm not like that now and guess what my sex life is amazing.

The op and several a others, may not want to hear this but it is true.

I have divorced friends too who are in the same position.

A mundane life of household drudgery does not and never will equal a fantastic orgasm inspired sex life.

We don't know why the wife doesn't express her feelings - if she has a traumatic history that makes it hard for her to open up, or if she thinks that she's been dropping hints and her husband must know what the problem is, or if she has actually said what the problem is, and it just hasn't quite registered with him yet. But we do know what Ollie here is saying about her being rubbish - reacting to that is not a witch hunt.

Ollie, does your wife's lack of orgasms make you feel defensive, like you need to prove that it isn't your fault? Maybe that is making you feel as if it is her problem, not yours? But it's your shared problem.

Like namelessposter, I wouldn't particularly want to have sex if it just meant watching my partner have fun on his own. Does she enjoy it at all? Does she have any pain?

maybe she doesnt want any intimacy at all because she suspects it will lead to you wanting sex to follow - whether thats true or not.

Maybe she is sexually frustrated and so, as a response to her needs never being met (and she is too ashamed/inhibited to express what she needs for whatever reasons those are) so she has switched her body 'off' to avaoid the constand disappointment of being left sexually unfulfilled.

Perhaps there has been damage done after the birth. Perhaps she is suffering from PTSD after the births. perhaps she is in pain.

We seem to have very little to go on regarding her actual feelings here. Just that she is rubbish and cant give you what you want.

OP, I think I have a fairly good sex drive, and I wouldn't be happy if my relationship with my DH meant no sex. However, I would be completely devastated by a lack of any physical intimacy or affection, which sounds like the situation you are in. It is the little touches/hugs etc that really cement our relationship. I am not surprised you are struggling with this.

Clearly you are both working massively long hours in stressful situations- you at a new business and DW at home. I don't discount the amount of effort and energy either of you are having to put in, and I think something has to change on this front. Namely you both might have to compromise and cut down the amount of hours you are working even if it means less money coming in or paying for more help.

Basically it sounds like you really miss your wife, and I wonder if you could just tell her that? Not I miss sex etc but that you miss her?

Possibly I'm being naive but I think the sex issue is something that could be worked on in the context of an intimate and affectionate relationship but I think that has to be regained first.

A word of warning: you said in an earlier post

" But, as somebody said to me recently, sex is important and celibacy is not an option for me, no matter how selfish a conceit"

Who was it who said this to you??

Not by any chance one of those attractive work colleagues you have been fantasising about, was it?

Be very, very careful. Anyone who is not supporting you in getting your relationship with your wife back on track is a snake in the grass and should not be tolerated in your life. Even if they appear to be a friend. Get rid of their influence.

I believe you when you say you love your wife, and if you wouldn't have that conversation in the same way if you knew your wife was listening, you shouldn't be having it. 'The nice woman at work who understands how hard it is for me to be celibate so is comforting me' would be an easy trap to fall into. Don't do it to yourself!

You say it can't be your fault that she doesn't orgasm as previous girlfriends have climaxed with you - but you do realise that not all women are the same, right? What might give multiple orgasms to one woman might do nothing for - or even really hurt - another woman. Have you ever really taken the time to help find out what really works for her, or do you just assume that because you've been 'successful' with other women, you are obviously an expert and she has the problem?

As a woman (and one who has slept with - and given orgasms to - other women, at that) there is definitely no one size fits all with regards to the female orgasm. Even with the same partner, the same thing won't always work, but you get to learn what kind of things they enjoy and what they really don't.

That's before we even touch on the fact that she has two small children who demand her time, attention and body all day long and probably just craves time to herself by the time she gets to bed. You can help with this by giving her more time to herself by taking the kids occasionally so the only time she gets to herself isn't at bedtime.

And the fact that if your DC2 is 9 months old, you probably have had sex in the last 18 months unless you had IVF.

OP, you state that your wife has never been interested in sex. You further state that sex is very important to you and you are not prepared to keep going without it. With such an obvious contradiction of interests you sound like a very confused person.

I wonder why you have chosen to spend your life with this aloof woman who doesn't much like sex, if it is so important to you. Might you consider counselling for yourself as, even if you leave her, if you don't find out what has motivated you to live this way you may be doomed to repeat the experience with another attractive, aloof woman?

You seem to be looking for approval to have an affair. When you do not get it here, you ignore the advice you have been given and keep complaining about your "rubbish wife". I am not saying your wife is not rubbish - I have never met her or you - but that you do not seem to want to consider the advice you receive here or work on your marriage. You seem only to want our blessing to have an affair. If that is the case, I suggest you have brought your problems to the wrong audience.

I hope you will find a way out of your dilemma that causes the least pain for all concerned. If you want to save your marriage, it can only be done by communicating with your wife - that means really listening and thinking about what she tells you, not just complaining and expecting results. It will probably be difficult and involve unpleasant things like time, effort, hard work and compromise. I can see why this is unattractive, but little worth having is easy to acquire. Good luck.

Thanks for all these comments. It's very helpful to get your views, no matter how disparate. I hear what you all say about chores etc., but if she wouldn't sleep with me on my wedding night, why would she after I've done a bit of washing up? Like I said, she has NEVER initiated sex, in all the time we have been together. I think she doesn't want any contact as she thinks that will be green light for sex. Thanks.

Ollie, like I said above, do the chores because it's the right thing to do, not because you want to get some sex! That sort of thinking will not help you.

She almost certainly thinks contact will lead you to press further/for sex so just doesn't touch you at all.

OP one difficulty is that we only have your perspective on the story. And you sound entitled. You are due sex and apparently it can't possibly be your fault if you're not getting it.

We only have your perspective that your wife is aloof, refuses to discuss things, recoils from you. I am in a marriage where our sex life took a dramatic nose-dive after DC1 and has been non-existent since DC2 (who is nearly school age). I suspect my H would write similar things to you - that I reject him, never initiate physical contact, refuse to discuss it.

My perspective is somewhat different. H became squeamish about the idea of sex after I became pregnant with DC1. Then he was put off by the idea of sex while I was breastfeeding. He wasn't interested in any physical activity that didn't lead to PIV sex, so our physical intimacy dwindled. I felt rejected. He regarded other types of physical contact that I enjoyed (like neck or foot massages) as a chore and would do these things grudgingly, which made me feel rejected again. We resumed a sex life to conceive DC2 but he wasn't interested in any of the physical intimacy we had previously shared - after sex he would get straight out of bed and go back to work on his computer rather than cuddling up in bed. More rejection. After DC2 my body shape had altered considerably and I didn't feel particularly sexual. I never had any reassurance from him that I was still desirable.

He would say that he tried to hug me etc. His idea of a hug was to come up to me and rest his head on my chest beneath my chin. Like a child wanting comforting. Big turn-off.

He would say that I refuse to discuss these issues. Actually I have tried to discuss them in the past but no longer bother because it gets nowhere. Any suggestion that his actions have contributed to the lack of physical intimacy in our marriage and he gets very defensive, blames me, recasts history - anything to avoid taking responsibility. Because my H, like you OP, is very entitled.

So rather than just tick boxes (tried to hug her - check, tried to talk - check), maybe you could look at the way you are doing some of these things to see whether you are sending the messages you think you are to your DW.

I think you also need to realize that you are her only partner. She has nothing to compare sex with you to sex with someone else. She had (and still has) little experience. Both due to the fact that you haven't had sex very often and to the fact that she is likely unable to explain/express what she wants. As someone else pointed out, if she had one orgasm in 8 years, then she is probably much more sexually frustrated than you are.
now you know what happens when you are frustrated like this because you are experiencing it now. You recoil into your own shell, you don't want to make an effort, you get angry at the other person, you put all the blame on your partner.

So remember that just as much as you out squarely the blame of the lack of intimacy onto her (she just doesn't like sex, never did etc...), she is probably putting her low sex drive squarely onto you
This is an example of what is probably going through her mind:
I can't be bothered, sex with him is just not nice, I feel so uptight afterwards. And on the top of it, he wants me to have sex with him when I am exhausted from getting up 3 times a night with a baby. He is never there, always busy with his bloody business and his 'nice' trips when I am stuck at home doing all the boring stuff like dealing with pooey nappies, snot, sick and tantrums.... And I am the one who is supposed to make an effort and be nice to him! stuff it!.

So now a question for you. Have you talked to her before having children about her lack of orgasms? have you ever asked her what she likes and what turns her on? Have you tried having sex with the only focus being her orgasms, not yours?
You can't be saying 'well all my other girlfriends 'managed' to have an orgasm so it's her fault' wo having explore all the avenues with her first.

It is not entitled to want to have sex with your spouse. If there are good reasons why the partner doesn't want to have sex, and they've explained these things yet there's no change, then that is different but the OP hasn't said any of that. No doubt what the OP says is not the full story, but that's always the case on any thread where we are only hearing the one side.

Your posts come off a little selfish. I appreciate that may not be the way you are in real life, but if she gets any sense of how this comes across, no wonder why she may be backing off. Her orgasms are her problem, yet yours are her problem? You want sex but if she gets off or not is not down to you. Ew. For what it's worth, my DH and I are in the opposite position. I want sex, he's not worried. Yes it's an issue and I get really frustrated but on the whole our relationship is good enough for it not to be a dealbreaker and we're talking, and making things better. We'll get there. If you want to bring the sex back, you need to fix your relationship first, and the physical side will mend itself.

MrBusterIPresume - thanks. Reassuring to know I'm not the only one having these problems.

From my point of view, I fancy my wife more now than I ever have. Also, I do think there is an entitlement to marital sec - surely a fundamental element of marriage is sex?

Also, I do think that the assumption that being a working father is easier than being a full time mother isn't necessarily the case.

No it's not entitled to want to have sex with your spouse. However it is entitled to want to have sex with her wo making any effort to make her feel desired, wo making any effort in the house with the dcs (which he would have to do if his DW was also working full time in a demanding job), wo actually recognizing the actually work of looking after 2 dcs, keeping a house clean etc...

As another poster pointed out, there is asking and asking. Some form of asking can actually make you retreat into your shell more than before.

People are being rather rude and unreasonable towards the OP, in my opinion. I wouldn't be happy with no sex for 2 years either and would be rather insulted to be told it my fault. Maybe the OP could do to make more of an effort but in a situation like this its not always just the man's fault. Just look at all the posts, how DARE he be upset hes getting no sex or intimacy for 2 BLOODY YEARS, his wife has children now so he should take a back seat and be bloody grateful! sarcasm

Lots of women don't see they should have sex anymore after having children, and totally neglect the needs of their DP, my own SIL is like this. They barely had sex anyway (she told me she didn't like or want to do it, and it happened about 4 times a year) and she only did it to get pregnant. Now she has her baby her poor DP hasn't had sex for well over a year. She expects him to go out to work all week and bring all the money home, aswell as help with childcare when he gets home yet cant even bring herself to offer him a bit of intimacy and sex, she sees her job now as a mother and housekeeper and doesn't see she should be having sex (yet expects her DP to put all his time, money and effort into their family life, and for what?)

Yes sex can dwindle when children come along but any decent partner will try to make the time and effort to give some attention to their partner aswell. And anyone who thinks a man can be deprived of sex for years and will not look elsewhere is bloody kidding themselves, and tbh I cannot blame these people who have no intimacy in their lives whatsoever. It makes a person feel ugly, unattractive and unloved and they shouldn't have to put up with it.

The idea that the man should or could take the role of 'backburner' (basically a cash machine/wallet who provides financially but gets sod all in return) when a woman has kids is exactly the reason so many men leave or cheat when a woman is pregnant and has kids. Not excusing them, but at the end of the day in a relationship one likes to feel valued, loved, wanted and attracted aswell as the intimacy of a sexual relationship and if one party is unwilling to give that or work on why they don't want to give that they should allow their partner to either get it elsewhere or leave.

I'm pregnant at the moment and me and DP BOTH put the effort into maintaining that side of the relationship. Its more important to me than DP I reckon but this dismissal of sex as being unimportant in a relationship, especially when kids come along is the reason for so much resentment and relationship breakdown.

Why the continual equating of doing housework with having sex? As if you need to earn sex by doing the washing up. What a horrendous attitude.

'maybe she doesnt want any intimacy at all because she suspects it will lead to you wanting sex to follow - whether thats true or not.'

and can you blame the guy after 2 years without!??? If sex scared the woman so much she should allow her DH to get it elsewhere. Insisting hes a twat for being unhappy with a sexless existence is just unreasonable tbh, and I bet a woman complaining of the same thing wouldn't be met with such a hostile response from so many people.

I've not been in the mood plenty of times but as soon as the intimacy starts I get right revved up, maybe the OP's wife just isnt allowing herself to get intimate or feel any closeness and thats why she never wants sex. I was sexually abused as a child aswell so I am aware of other problems that can put people off sex. Still don't think I'm entitled to impose a sexless existence on my DP because of my own issues.

Exactly whatsthatcoming, its like the man all of a sudden has to 'earn' the right to intimacy with his wife once kids come along. A disgusting attitude and again, the reason so many men end up playing away once kids get here. He's no longer a person who needs to feel closeness and desire himself, hes merely a financial and practical tool to the woman and kids lives.

because you can tell an awful lot about a persons attitude in general on whether they do their fair share or if they expect little wifey to do it all because he works all day.

From the attitude displayed on this thread I can well understand why the OP isn't getting bugger all and find the threat of leaving just because he's not getting his 'needs' met after his wife has grew and give birth to 2 of his kids pretty disgusting in itself.

BTW OP.. a hell of a lot of woman don't orgasm during intercourse.. it has to be done in other ways.. did you know that?

That's about a fair division of labour. If one partner expects the other to do the majority of work then that isn't fair, but treating sex as some sort of reward for doing stuff around the house? Wow, doesn't that make you feel special. And if he did do more around the house, and she still didn't want to have sex, what then?

And why is not having any sex a bad reason to leave a marriage?

Hmm, haven't read the whole thread but some of the responses look seriously harsh. I don't think the situation you describe is sustainable so you need to talk it through with her. Can see it from both sides, having had two kids close together and a DH who was working v long hours indeed at that point. It was never as bad as you describe but we were definitely down to once a month at times in the year or so after DC2 was born, which DH was seriously down about. And to be honest, it felt like just another chore for me in those days. In fact, at times I felt properly furious when he came near me though I don't think I ever told him that.

I think a lot of what other posters have said about the practicalities is true: making sure you're helping out, listening to what she says, being interested in her (I think for most women sexual attraction is tied in with feeling wanted and cherished in other ways too). Also your kids are really young, and it's true that a mum with v young kids can just feel like sex is someone else wanting a piece of her.

On the flip side though, she does sound a bit overly obsessed with the kids (only letting a family member look after them etc) and no sex at all, or even discussion of it, just isn't healthy for anyone. Can you sit her down and say something on the lines of 'I love you, I want to make this work etc and I'm willing to listen and act upon whatever it is that will help you feel more inclined to be intimate but I do need really need to work towards some kind of intimacy'?

If it gives you any hope, DC are 4 and 6 now and I've definitely recovered my sex drive in recent years - as likely to instigate it as DH now. Best of luck.

Whats his 'fair share'? Working all the time, providing all the cash for the household, doing household and parenting duties when he isn't working but then still getting no sex or intimacy because now something else isn't right?

If a person is unhappy in a relationship, is made to feel ugly, unattractive and unwanted by a partner who recoils in horror at going anywhere near them now, because after all they've provided the sperm for the much wanted children, they provide the home and money so they arn't needed now for anything else, then they have every bloody right to say they are going to leave if it doesn't change. Not having your needs met for such a long time it damages the relationship is every reason to end it.

My SIL's relationship is pretty much in the gutter now, her DP openly admits to watching porn regularly because there is no intimacy in their relationship, it causes resentment and an emotional seperation between partners. It is important for your child's family life for you to maintain a healthy sex life where both partners are happy and satisfied.

I used to work as an escort, I couldn't care less if I get flamed and 90% of the men I saw were those in a long term relationship with no intimacy and were just dying to feel a woman's body close and to feel that stimulation you only get from a satisfying sexual encounter. They were generally stressed out, upset and unsatisfied, guilty men.

Look what no sex or intimacy does to the self esteem and happiness of WOMEN on this board and see the extra sympathy they get compared to men who are being put through the same thing.

I agree with 22honey actually and I think the OP sounds frustrated rather than entitled - that is emotionally and psychologically frustrated not sexually. He has no idea what to do.

Given that his wife has never enjoyed sex, that they put off consummating their marriage for 2 weeks after their wedding and she has never initiated sex, I suspect that he could do all the housework in the world, shower her with attention and encourage more intimacy and she still wouldn't be interested. It seems to me she either has a problem with sex itself or she just isn't that into her husband in that way and never has been. I suspect that only counselling will sort it out, certainly as a couple and probably as individuals.

It may all end in separation but surely that is better than the limbo that they must be living in now?

I think the first thing to do is try and have an open and honest conversation for once - tell her how upset/hurt/frustrated you are and then ask her to say how she feels - probably best to take it in turns to raise something rather you get it all off your chest or she might feel got at. Don't get angry or defensive if your wife finds something to criticise, take it on the chin and just get her to open up about what is going on in her head. In the unlikely event that clears the air and together you come up with a plan on how to move forward to a more mutually agreeable way of co-existing, then great. However, more likely you are going to have to get professional help to sort through everything that is going on.

Good luck.