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Original poster

Not had sex for almost two years

801 replies

Olliedelondon · 21/04/2014 14:03

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

OP posts:
Original poster
Olliedelondon · 21/04/2014 15:40

She just won't engage in any talk regarding sex. When it has been raised, in arguments, she suggests that me focusing on it, is just plain selfish and she has far more important things to think about (and I agree, but don't see why she can't spare me some time). As I say, I just think she doesn't need sex and probably doesn't think I deserve such a treat.

Croquet- thanks. I have often thought that about my wife. The trouble is, I feel that unless things change quickly then we may have to split up. Clichés keep going round my mind, like "life's too short"...

OP posts:
Milmingebag · 21/04/2014 15:42

Maybe you aren't a very good lover?

Is it possible that she just doesn't like you anymore? Can you pinpoint something else that has happened in your relationship?

Ask her what help she needs and outsource it if possible. Have you ever run her a bath and cooked her a nice dinner to express your appreciation of all the work she does to support your family? It seems as if you have an outlet through your working environment to pursue other interests but her world is very insular.

Ask her outright why she doesn't want a sexual relationship with you and ask her to be utterly frank about it.

She is probably aware that you use porn too and that can put some women off.

TheOrchardKeeper · 21/04/2014 15:43

She can't ignore the issue but if you're willing to shag someone else already because she's put your children first and things need working on then you're better off leaving anyway. Sad.

CogitoEggySometimes · 21/04/2014 15:45

And the mystery of why you're not getting any deepens..... Hmm

You don't make someone feel warm and fuzzy towards you in an argument. Neither are you going to achieve it by adding pressure - and there does come a point where, even if you approached it sensitively, it is still going to feel like pressure to perform. Is she aware that you're thinking of ending the marriage?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2014 15:47

Are you running your business single handed; if so why are you not employing more people?. A 60 hour weekly workload on your part is also putting the knackers on this relationship and it was not in good shape to begin with.

It is sad to see that your wife is both unwilling and unable to talk about this without resorting to argument. Is she willing to actually countenance the very real possibility that you may well divorce her over such an issue?. There are reasons as to why she is doing and saying as she does, there are always reasons why.

Whatever the root causes are, they are deeply rooted and also perhaps predate your marriage. There is right and wrong on both sides here.

croquet · 21/04/2014 15:49

Has she ever enjoyed sex with you?

MyDHhasnomemory · 21/04/2014 15:57

If it took 2 weeks to consummate your marriage I think you are looking at someone who has issues around sex, or at the very least a very low sex drive. Did you not think there were warning signs back then?

I do sympathise as I have been in a similar situation. Is there a chance she is depressed?

Original poster
Olliedelondon · 21/04/2014 15:58

Wow, thanks. Lots of things to think about. I don't think she ever really liked sex that much. I was her first boyfriend and she liked the novelty at first. Also, this may be a poor reflection of me, but she has only ever had one orgasm in 8 years (although with prior girlfriends I used to manage it). Giving her more Time on her own maybe a way forward, but I still think she won't be interested unless she comes to her senses.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 21/04/2014 15:59

What does your wife get out of being with you.. what do you bring to your relationship?

MyDHhasnomemory · 21/04/2014 16:00

Comes to her senses? Wow. That does not seem a sympathetic approach.

PassAFist · 21/04/2014 16:01

Comes to her senses?!

I'm not surprised she isn't having sex with you!!

Milmingebag · 21/04/2014 16:04

Wow! One in eight years? Maybe your efforts should be concentrated on why she is getting so little out of sex with you. You do understand it's not all about PIV don't you?

PigletJohn · 21/04/2014 16:04

When I asked why the two of you wanted to get married, you said that you found her attractive and sociable. Why did she want to marry you?

QuiteSo · 21/04/2014 16:07

Being a mum in the early years is a libido killer for many women, I think. After a long day of potty training or wiping noses or clearing up vomit, to be honest the last thing she may feel like is having sex. I think the switch between 'mum' mode and 'sexy woman' mode is difficult.
I think it's hard for men to imagine if they spend all day at work surrounded by smartly dressed adult or sexily dressed female colleagues. It's a totally different environment.
Have you actually suggested counselling to discuss the issue, have you organised a babysitter and booked a counselling apointment, and crucially: have you actually told her you're thinking of leaving because of this? Otherwise it's easy to let it drift and you end up having an affair.

Original poster
Olliedelondon · 21/04/2014 16:09

Sorry, yes, to say "comes to her senses" was wrong. I think I am reliable and good company and I provide financially. Like I say we used to have a great relationship , outside the bedroom. I don't think she is depressed. She has said that she has a low sex drive, but this is beyond that. It just seems such a shame to give up what we have for something's as simple as sex. Maybe I have to put my needs to one side, and have a sex-less marriage...

OP posts:
croquet · 21/04/2014 16:10

Ok - she hadn't done it before and she hasn't really been enjoying it (i.e. no orgasms). You need to read up on technique and give her some pleasure, then she'll come back for more!! I can't recommend any books, but others will be able to. The Joy of Sex?!

croquet · 21/04/2014 16:11

p.s. Maybe she doesn't even know how to pleasure herself?

Do you think she does?

QuiteSo · 21/04/2014 16:12

Oh, and also: feeling 'entitled' to a certain amount of sex, whether or not your partner is a willing participant, just makes things worse. If you frame it as her 'fault', rather than a joint problem you both should consider together, it will make things worse too.

RoganJosh · 21/04/2014 16:13

Is your younger child in preschool at all? You could at least go out for coffee together if so.

Original poster
Olliedelondon · 21/04/2014 16:13

PigletJohn - in truth, I don't really know why she married me. I suppose she liked me. I'm reasonably handsome, but no George Clooney. She did used to say i made her laugh, but I can't believe she ever found me very attractive (I would say she was a league above me in looks department).

QuiteSo - she would never go to counselling. She would consider it a waste of time. I haven't told her about leaving her.

OP posts:
Milmingebag · 21/04/2014 16:14

Could you not,for the meantime, make sex about exploring what your wife likes rather than the fixation with blowing your stack.

Your wife isn't getting a lot from engaging sexually with you and probably feels you don't care about her needs so why should she bother?

Egghead68 · 21/04/2014 16:14

You are speaking very disparagingly about your wife.

What about couples counselling to help you communicate better and/or support you in separating amicably?

Original poster
Olliedelondon · 21/04/2014 16:17

Croquet - she has previously told me that she has never pleasured herself and I 'm sure she doesn't now. I wish she would! Also, without sounding arrogant, I think I have a reasonable idea in the bedroom and have often thought that it is not down to me that she doesn't have an orgasm. She's certainly never complained.

OP posts:
QuiteSo · 21/04/2014 16:18

How old are your kids?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/04/2014 16:18

"She has said that she has a low sex drive, but this is beyond that. It just seems such a shame to give up what we have for something's as simple as sex. Maybe I have to put my needs to one side, and have a
sex-less marriage"

There are reasons both physical and mental as to why sex drives are low. She may well be depressed about her life in general so I do not think you can actually assume she is not depressed, it all warrants further investigation. But she has to be willing to talk now and openly.

No, you do not have to settle for a sexless marriage at all and I do not think that you could actually put up with it. This is a problem that both of you have to address and now for both your sakes. Its sad actually that this has gone on for the better part of two years; both of you have allowed your relationship to get to this state so both of you need to work on it through counselling. I would suggest that counselling both together and separately now happens after an initial joint chat with the GP. You cannot use excuses like a "60 hour week" or "no one to look after the boys" not to seek help now.