Not had sex for almost two years

[Olliedelondon]

I very much love my DW. Before we had our two children, we had a reasonable sex life, although I would always initiate. But since our children we have had very little sex (once every four months maybe) and nothing at all for now almost two years. My DW says that I am unreasonable in my 'needs' and that I should focus all my attentions on looking after the children. But I think it's destroying our marriage and I'm not prepared to sacrifice a sex life and frankly don't see why I should. I also don't think she fancies me. At all. Am I unreasonable? What should I do? I have 'got by' by using pornography in secret. I have also started fantasising about attractive colleagues, although I have never had an affair. The sexual frustration I feel is almost painful...Help?

That's a very poignant insightful post.

I suggest that you organise a long weekend/week off for your wife, 'just' look after the kids on your own and see how you feel. Also try to imagine feeling underappreciated and a sex object at the same time.

To save your marriage you need to understand what her day to day is and let her know that you fancy her and not in a child rearing sperm receptacle kind of way. In a you're the funny sexy woman I married kind of way.

Affection without any pressure of having sex is also vital.

It is difficult to explain to someone who isn't home all day with small kids just how mauled you feel having a toddler constantly grabbing you, climbing on you, pestering you, wasn't picking up, putting down, pull your hair, sit on your knee, get off your knee...

So darling husband comes home, and tries to 'soothe' you by touching you. And you just KNOW that he is going to want more from you. It takes all your self control not to shout DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME

Seriously, I feel on edge just thinking about it.

It's good to get the ladies point of view on things such as this. A lot more understanding from fellas on what their wives are going through on a daily basis looking after the kids would likely save a lot of marriages.

She had a baby only 9 months ago and also has a 2yo and gets no break from caring from them.

You are very selfish, have no perspective on this and frankly I think she'd be better off without you.

Your problem is not lack of sex.

Her problem is you.

How about this. Make her breakfast in bed. Regularly. Let her have a lie in and look after the kids. Clean the house without being asked. Buy her flowers, even a cheap bunch of daffodils makes me happy. Seriously, the little things go a bloody long way. And don't expect sex, just look after her and support her. Start being her friend. Be on her side. And actually mean it. The two of you together united yes? Rather than just what you want. And doing the hard done by thing with your 60 hours a week. She does a lot more than that. Start giving a shit. You never know, you might start appearing attractive to her. At the moment, you don't really seem like a great catch. Just thinking about your needs and considering an affair is not helping your case.

You sound really, really selfish. It isn't a very attractive quality in anyone.

Wow again, thanks to all for your comments. truly helping me with this issue. Look, my issue is that I am probably not the perfect husband, but I do my bit whilst building a business for our future. In my mind, that will be worth more, long term (school fees etc.), than notionally being "there" as much as I would like to be. Probably wrong, I accept, but no matter the rights and wrongs of it, my un-intentioned sexual frustration is driving me mad, and, bluntly, just a kiss would keep me going. A long time. Also, to address other points, I crave the intimacy of sex and would be fine doing all the "giving" if you know what I mean...but I think, to agree, that I need to lay my cards on table with her? Agreed?....

No, take your cards and shove them up your butt. And then start proving to her why you should be together in the first place.

My marriage is screwed but it's taught me a few things. Women generally need to feel loved.

I also run my own business and concentrated on this all too much which is what has bacially ruined my marriage. Unfortunately we can't fix things.

Your on here asking advice and this thread may have opened your eyes to the underlying issues with why your wife isn't sleeping with you.

I reckon you'll feel like your putting your fair share into the relationship by building up your business and providing for your future but beleive me this isn't enough. You still need to take time to help with the kids, do some chores, treat your wife, take her out for a meal on your own if possible, show her you care in other ways than just building the business. If I'd have realised this 4 or so years ago my marriage maybe could have been saved. Good luck and all the best.

BrianTheMole- thanks, but, with respect, perhaps harsh. I'm just saying how I feel, not pretending I am un-impeachable. I could have just had an affair, but my DW means too much to me. And I fancy her more than anyone...

Adayinthelifeof - thanks.

You have given her one orgasm in eight years? You're not the one who is sexually frustrated!

HanSolo- whilst I am grateful for the comment, it doesn't necessarily follow, IMHO, that a man's ability in the bedroom equates to a female orgasm...not that I am saying I am great, but previous girlfriends could get there. I just feel when we have done it, I have always been v enthusiastic and, if I do say so, selfless, and, for whatever reason, not worked for her...what more could I do? She doesn't like sex!

Sorry, probably shouldn't have said she doesn't like sex. Should have doesn't like sex with me..

Ok, maybe I shouldn't have said shove them up your butt.

Put them in the bin instead .....

Will do, thanks, I think...

What contraception is she using/has used in the past? Just adding that in, as our sex life nosedived appallingly from a combination of being on the minipill (dead from the waist down) and terror of pregnancy. I can't say our sex life is now all singing all dancing, but it's certainly better since the vasectomy.

However, I am interested also that your wife has nobody she will allow to look after the children. She does sound very focused on her role as mother, to the exclusion of all other elements of her life.

OP, I think you need to take the focus off sex for the time being and start to try and make your wife feel loved and appreciated. Christ, she must be exhausted with 2 small DC. My DP works 40 hr weeks but I am so glad when he walks through the door so that I can have half an hour to myself, I imagine thats something of a rare occurrence for your wife?

I would imagine that if you put some effort into showing how much you appreciate her, a nice hug when you come home, take over with DC whilst she has a bath, maybe look after DC whilst she can go shopping/for lunch with friends at a weekend, letting her have a lie in.... Things may start to naturally fall into place sexually. But I would imagine right now, you have an extremely exhausted and under-appreciated wife on your hands.

seriously you dont seem to be listening to any of the advice. Well not any of the advice that you dont want to listen to. You acknowledge that your thought of working vs 'being there' is wrong, but doesnt sound like you are actually going to do any of the hard, boring, mind numbing daily grind of housework/very young child rearing. Or arrange for any outside support to give her a break.

What did she do before? You say she was social, so I guess she had a bit of a life. And a career?? and now thats all gone, to be replaced by potties and snot and cleaning. Can make a woman, who previously was considered social and intelligent, feel pretty worthless. And you seem to regard her role as 'just' looking after the DC too. But dont you realise that without her doing all this, running your home, providing your meals and your cleaning/washing/feeding service you wouldnt be in any position to be building up a business and taking advantage of all the fun activities associated with it - can you not work a way that she is included somehow?? It must be really rubbing her nose in it after all that drudgery. Im not surprised she doesnt want sex.

How was the birth? Did she have help and support afterwards? Did you take time off to look after the toddler 100% to give her time to rest and recover afterwards? Did you take over the meals and cleaning during your paternity leave, or was building the business (that boosts YOUR ego by the sounds of it) too important for you to leave it for long? Is she scared of getting pregnant again? Did she recover fully, or has she suffered from any longer lasting problems after 2 babies quite close to each other?

also, bear in mind, if you DID leave, you could end up having to look after the kids 50% of the time, AND run your own home, which will seriously eat into your business/fun activities/special sexy time with new partner. Because she would probably need to use that time to go back to work too.

NettleTea- wow, wake up call do me. She was/is successful City person. Was very hard birth, but my son is great now.

Littleyellowdaiayb- thanks, but when do you say enough is enough? After sexless wedding night? A year on? I would be happy without sex, just a peck on the cheek would do..

joanofarchitrave Z - thanks. She isn't on any form of contraception,save that before first child she was on pill..

If you are working to be able to afford school fees you might be better working less, sending your kids to the local comp, spending more time with your family and STAYING married.

The best thing to do is to think long term and try and get your relationship back on track. Can you imagine how awful it would be to leave your wife and kids, set up a new home and deal with all the crap of being a divorced parent?

BTW I totally agree with those saying that they couldn't stand being 'pawed' after a day with the kids. I didn't have any issues with my DH after any of my kids but I still really relished my own space and a bit of piece and quiet after a day with the kids. It was like I was super sensitive to touch. I think hormones can have the same effect

OK, so does she want more kids or does the thought of it fill her with abject horror.

If so, how about discussing a vasectomy. If your family is complete, if your wife has had a difficult pregnancy and birth, and has carried 2 children in a relatively short time, perhaps its time for you to do your bit to ensure she at least feels safe regarding pregnancy if your sex life is to resume.

Does she plan to go back to work?

You will be surprised exactly how totally worthless and undervalued you feel as a mother, how being a mother and housewife (because it doesnt pay a wage, and nowdays paying a wage and fulfilling your tax obligation seems to be ALL that matters) it can make you really go adrift. as if you have literally disappeared as a woman, as a professional. And I would imagine that if she has come from a city job then the 'fall' would be even greater. It can jar all your previous thoughts about equality and throw up thoughts about her own childhood, about her own insecurities and also the fact that all her education, academia and career to date means buck shit and she is basically doing the same job, and struggling as its so exhausting, as every other woman the world over. Motherhood can be a transformational and very difficult emotional time even in the best of circumstances. And she is doing this practically single handed.

The rule of thumb on MN seems to be equal time off. Does she get equal free time as you? You say you are reasonably well off. Why not get a cleaner/home help in. If she wants to look after the babies then fair enough, free her up from the housework and some of the cooking. Appreciate what you are getting from her rather than what you are not.